The Joys Of Shift Work

After getting up early for 8 days in a row, you would think I'm desperate for a lie in. And, you'd be right, I was.

But, around 6:15 I was awake. Tried desperately to nod back off but no luck. So as not to be the only one awake I accidently, on purpose, woke the missus up around 7:30.

After an hour of sitting around I was overwhelmingly tired again, so at 8:30 I plodded off to bed for another "hours" kip.

12:00 someone knocks on the door, wakes me up. I felt like I could have slept for another couple of hours but I get up anyway.

How shift work fucks you up eh?

I've just had "brunch" which consisted of bacon, sausage, black pudding, eggs, beans a fried slice and a regular slice.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my bro-in-law Gareth who is 26 today!
I can give it big up your birthday fanny as well!

Just Watched

OUTFUCKINGSTANDING!
Move over Gladiator, this will now be known as the best historical epic ever!

Currently Reading

mumrar n. The act of sneaking up behind your mother and shouting RAR!

cuntitude n. A cuntish attitude.

fugly adj. Fucking ugly.

Complete Fucking Idiot!

Today the station next to us closed so we had to implement station control. This meant that we were allowing people to exit the station, not enter. As you can imagine the exits were pretty congested.
After a while the Supervisor said we can start to let a few people enter the station. The moment this came over the radio a few people heard and walked straight past me and into the mass crowd trying to leave the station.
A lady who was trying to exit decided to aim her frustration at me.
"Why are you letting these people in? It's fucking packed down there!"
I replied in a civil tone (yes, I can be civil!) "I'm sorry madam, I'm just following instructions."
Rather than leave it at that the woman said one of the most stupid and offensive things she could have ever thought of.
"That's just what Hitler did!"
There were dozens of other customers around who just stood there, jaws on the floor.
I replied with "First of all, Hitler gave the orders, not take them. Secondly, your attempt to look big in front of dozens of people has made you look like a complete facist idiot."
The woman must have realised what she'd just done because she went bright red, hung her head and walked away very, very briskly.
A few of the witnessing customers sent derisive comments her way and said well done to me for speaking out.

2 Days To Go

Exhaustion

I'm absolutely fucking knackered!
Hopefully, the quadruple espresso I'm about to drink will perk me up!

Bebo

I'm here too!

MySpace

You can find me here too!

Ohhh, I Can't Wait Anymore

Is it the 22nd yet?

So, Right, Yeah

Like, if sumone, right, who's dad yeah, like, had a sex change yeah, right and now they're, like, a ladyboy or sumfin right, would that person, yeah, send their dad, like, a mothers day card?
Safe.

I Want One

Please, please, please can someone buy me the new Audi TT?

Typical Workplace Conversation

A conversation between myself and a customer;
"What station do I need for Baker Street?"
"Baker Street"
"Yes, Baker Street"
"Yes"
"Yes, what?"
"Sorry?"
"What station do I need for Baker Street?"
"Baker Street"
"Oh , forget it. I'll ask someone else!"
I have to deal with this sort of cuntitude on a daily basis you know.

Just Booked Tickets To See

22nd March just can't come soon enough! I don't remember being this excited about seeing a film before. Ever.

Either I'm gonna make a mess in my trousers or I'm gonna be bitterly disappointed.

Please, please be the first option!

Why Does He Mock Me?

Horses sleep standing up. It's a well known fact.
But, while on my train to and from work, I see a certain horse who is always laying down.
Why?
Why, when all the other horses I've ever seen are standing up, is he laying down?
Why is he doing this to me?

Currently Kicking Arse In

Walkies

Me and the missus went for a walk by the canal today. We stopped off at The Globe Inn and had lunch. All very pleasant indeed.

It's Coming.....

Nearly here, the day will show you mortals how insignificant you are!
"SPARTANS! TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!"

Just Watched

Well worth 2 hours of yer time.

Playing With Trains

As posted a couple of days ago, I went out for a "cab day" today. I was fully expecting to sit watching the instructor and ask questions all morning. But, no. After about 30 mins he said "Come on then." and got out of the driving seat.
"Eh?" I said.
"Come on." he said.
"Er, ok." I said.
And that was that, I drove for the rest of the 3 hour session, without having a single SPAD. All I can say is that it was awesome.
The instructor I was with was called Dave and, if I do pass my second assessment on 28th March, I couldn't hope for a better tutor than him.
I'd like to say a massive thanks to Dave for putting up with me all morning.
Also a gigantic thanks goes to Darryn, who arranged the cab day for me, and bought me a beer afterwards!

The Big (Mac) Question

I don't eat McDonalds that often. I don't particularly like it. In fact, I only eat it cos of its proximity to where I work.
However, I noticed something today.
Is it me, or are McDonalds slowly reducing the amount of meat they put in Big Macs and exchanging it with lettuce?

Just Read

I'm really getting into these books again. Using our good friend ebay, I'm picking them up one by one. A couple of people actually said to me (on the train) how much they loved it as kids too. Maybe I've started a revolution!

Frrrrrreeeeeeaaaaak!

And Back Again

I'm going back to work today. I've just had a fairly relaxing week off what with Spa days, footy matches, meals, pub outings and generally slobbing around on the couch.
I have to complete 2 whole shifts before I'm entitled to a couple of days off, bloody Underground work us like dogs!
On my first day off I've arranged (through Mr Miles) to spend the day in the cab of a Northern Line train. Should be fun, so long as I don't put the fucker on its roof!

Belated Happy Birthday

Forgot to blog happy birthday to my mum who was 57 yesterday. She aint got t'internet anyway.

Mmmmm, Lager

I like lager as much as the next man. But, what is the nicest tasting lager?
I am torn between Kronenbourg Premier Cold Draft and Carlsberg Extra Cold Draft. Both are mighty fine lagers indeed.

Odd Shopping Day

Me and the missus went blind shopping. We bought 3 cataracts and a detatched retina. No, seriously, we went shopping for a blind for the living room. We visited several "Blind Shops" although the employees seemed to have perfectly good vision to me. O.K, O.K, enough blind jokes. We didn't find a suitable blind (so we got one in jeans instead!). Sorry, that's the last one I promise.
On the way back we popped into Next as I need a new summer jacket. While trying a jacket on my attention was drawn to someone who was buying a new pair of jeans. Rather than go to the changing room, he tried them on there and then. Stripped down to his pants in a busy Next store! Unfortunately, I just wasn't quick enough with my phone and he got away.

Watched Yesterday

Very funny indeed.

How My Night Went Tits Up

#1; Moments after showing my love for my niece on the 'net, she said to me, and I quote;
"Shut up you mug!"
She's 4 years old, how can she know me so well?!

#2; My brother got a watery curry. Yes, I agree a Madras should have a thick sauce, but he didn't half go on about it!

#3; Arsenal Football Club. Nuff said.

My Niece

I love my niece. Her name is Emily. I love her very much!

Just Read

Me and our kid used to have all these books as kids. We loved 'em. I found this one while sorting through the bookcase. I might search ebay for the rest of them.

The Blues

Yesterday I was sooooo bored. I cannot put into words how bored I was. Oh wait, I just have.
Anyway, I was on the verge of walking out and going on a pub crawl when I got a phone call from MR D.K.Miles esq. He had a spare ticket (Thanks Mate!) to see Chelsea v Porto. Being a Gooner myself, I turned him down flat, until he said it was free.
Free? Live? Football? I'm on my way!
So, I washed the windows to placate (yes, I looked it up!) the missus and headed off to London.
I met Darryn when he got on the train at Watford and Alex when we got to Euston. We had a quick pint at Euston, then headed to "The Bridge".
After a delay on the District Line we got to Chelsea and picked up our tickets. We had 35 minutes before kick off and headed straight to the bar to squeeze a couple of pints in. Then, disaster struck.
They don't sell beer on Champions League nights.
Free? Live? Football? With no beer? Tragic, truly tragic.
Anyway, Chelsea won 2-1, we drank beer after the game, etc etc.

Just Watched

This is the funniest film I've ever seen, BAR- NONE! I'd seen a pirate copy last year but it didn't do it any justice. I thought my spine was gonna fall out I was laughing so much.

She's Off Her Rocker!

On our way home from the non-existant Deddington Castle we drove past some horses. As recomended by the Highway Code, I slowed down to a snails pace and gave them a mile of space.
This is the mad conversation that followed;
Me; "See how I didn't scare the horses love, I'm a good boy."
Her; "Horses scare me."
"Why?"
"I had a bad experience when I was younger."
"Go on."
"I don't really like talking about it."
"It's ok love, you can tell me."
"When I was about eight I went out with some friends. We climbed over a fence and I tore my trousers."
"Ok."
"There was a boy with us and he tried to run me over with his bike."
"Go on."
"That's it."
"What do you mean that's it? What's that got to do with horses?"
"There was a horse in the field."
"So, because there was a horse in a field where you tore your trousers and got chased, that's why you're scared of horses?"
"Yeah."
I've got to live with this woman.

By The Way.....

Details of our spa day can be found here.

Tom Tom Cunt!

We had a fantastic day at the spa yesterday.
Sauna, massage, food, steamrooms, ice showers.
It was the perfect way to relax.
In fact, we were so relaxed that rather than come straight home we asked our Tom Tom for a local tourist attraction. Tom Tom said that Deddington Castle was very close by, only 15 miles or so. So off we went on a quick visit to sleepy Deddington.
When we finally arrived we couldn't find a castle anywhere. Nowhere.
After driving around some more we finally found an English Heritage sign which read "Deddington Castle (Site Only)"
Site Only? This means that said castle is no longer there and probably hasn't been for hundreds of years.
This is why my Tom Tom is a total cunt.

Spa Day........?

.....I thought she said "Bar" day!
I'm taking the missus on a spa day tomorrow.
We've had a pretty rough last 12 months so I thought I'd take her to be pampered for a whole 24 hours.
The day includes;

Full use of the gym
Full use of the spa facilities
A three course dinner
A bed for the night
Breakfast
Full use of the gym and spa before departing

All for £160. That's for both of us, not each.
If it's any good I'll post the details here.

Done It!

Finally completed "Silvershere".
Only took me a week!

Amusing Graffiti

On the way home from the station today I noticed some graffiti written outside the local school;
"lean to read"
It made me laugh anyway.

Bastard Game!!!!!

Silversphere Get the Silver Sphere in to the Blue Vortex.

Play this free game now!!

THIS GAME IS RUINING MY LIFE!

I CAN'T GET PAST LEVEL 23!

CUNTS!

The Game What I Played

Treble 20, what a beauty!


3 in a bed, nice!

Met Adam & Andy for a couple of drinks last night. Aint seen these 2 fellas for donkey's and a damn fine evening was had.
We had a few games of darts, of which these were my finest shots. Actually, I think these were my only shots that hit the "20" bed whatsoever!
We also played several games of pool, of which I won an entire game.
Then the evening took a sour turn.
I got picked up from the station by the missus. She parked by the roadside opposite the station. As I got into the car I was attacked by a vicious, savage thorn bush. Luckily I was quick to react and bravely fought off my attacker. Luckily, I escaped with nothing more than a slight pull of my expensive London Underground issue acrylic trousers.
I'm slightly upset by the whole incident and was constantly looking over my shoulder all the way to the station thes morning.

More Rat Shit

Kill Your Speed......

Yesterday afternoon at work was quite boring.
There seemed to be very little customer flow at my window. There were plenty of people running through my station to get to the mainline station down the road though.
This is where the trouble/fun started.
I started using my barcode scanner on people who were running. I'd point the scanner at them and "trace" them as they ran past my window.
Not that funny in itself I know, but, several people were actually stupid enough to stop running and say sorry. When these people saw me laughing at them, they called me a "Cheeky Chappy" and continued running.
Actually, come to think of it, most of them called me an "Idiot".

Cat's Lives And Autobiographies

A cat is supposed to have 9 lives right?
So, does that mean it would write 9 autobiographies?

Who Says Romance Is Dead #2

Porno Rats (Look Closely!)

Click on the image for a larger view.

With Sympathy

Two of my collagues had a rotten day today.

Firstly Barry, whose grandmother died this morning. I was with him when he took the call and he was visibly shaken.

Secondly Marlon, whose godfather died last night. Marlon was very subdued and I was quite concerned for him.

I would like to send my heartfelt sympathies to Barry, Marlon and their families.

A Good Laugh

We popped over to my sis & bro-in-laws tonight. Me and Gaz had such a good laugh. We were laughing so much that we were accused of being pissed after only 4 cans of Fosters.
Now, look. I don't care what anyone says, it's impossible to pissed on this miniscule amount of "diet" beer unless you are this person!
Sorry man, I love ya really!

Keep Counting

1000!
People have read my shit to date.
943 of them are probably me!

Eyelid

Eyelid.
Eye-lid.
It's a lid for yer eye innit!

Contagious?

During another sleepless night I got to thinking about somthing that happened recently.
The other day I was in Sainsburys near where I work. The lady who served me licked her lips, not in a sexual or provocotive way, she just licked her lips. Immediately I was hit by an overwhelming urge to lick my own lips.
The same thing happened later after a colleague licked his lips. (Definitely not sexual or provocotive!) Again, the desire to lick my own lips became insatiable.
And so I ask this question;
How many times have you licked your lips while reading this entry?

Well Done Tiger

Congrats to Nige who got the job he applied for as a Nurse Clinically Specialassist (or something like that anyway!).
Why do job titles have to be so long these days?

Just Eaten

With sausages, chips, mushrooms and peas.

Just Listened To

You!

Click here.
When I read this I nearly fell off my chair laughing.

Look Out, The In-Laws Are Coming!

My In-laws are here. They sold their flat yesterday and are staying here while they look for a new place.
Since we've lived here (about 2 1/2 years) we've had my brother, my sis in-law with her fella, my mum and now the in-laws, staying here. I'm thinking of getting a revolving door fitted.
I might turn the garage into a reception lounge too.

Bastard Week

It's been a real fucker.
It was ok until thursday which proved to be strangely busy.
I can't begin to explain how busy friday was though, all I can say is that it was manic.
Saturday was the pits. Apart from several footie games, there was a Bollywood festival down the road, a Cypriot election across the road, Boxing at Wembley as well as all the people popping into London on the lash.
Sunday saw 300,000 people attend the Chinese new year celebrations. I'm sure I served 150,000 of those whom attended. I went home with a terminal headache.
Today I had no energy, which in a good way, was good. It meant I didn't really give a fuck about anyone's problems, all I wanted to do was go home to the missus.
I've got 2 days off now, might see if John will let me relax by his pool!

Why I'm Skipping Lunch Today

Riveting Good Read

For a fantastic, riveting good read, click here.

WTF?

This is a 20p coin. It has 7 (this is correct, I counted them!) sides and, therefore, should not roll very well.

This is my office floor. It is tiled, has man hole covers and is in a very poor condition. Therefore, even round coins should not roll very well upon it.

Can someone please explain to me how I managed to drop a 20p coin onto a shitty floor, and it still managed to roll out of view?

I spent ages looking for it but to no avail.

This post was recently amended after I originally wrote that a 20p had 5 sides. Thanks for the heads up Johnny!

Oh.....My......GOD!

There is not a single episode of the Simpsons on today.
I am devastated, I demand satisfaction, I demand that the producers of Sky one and Channel 4 are fired immediately! NOW!
Cunts.

Getting Old

On the 27th September 2006, I entered my 30th year. That means that on the same date this year, my age will begin with a "3". I don't know if its pshycological, but I'm starting to feel old.
Right now my left hip aches, my shoulder is stiff and I feel very, very grumpy.
Plus, I can't remember the last time I bent over to pick something up without grunting and groaning.
Please, please, please let it be pshycological. Otherwise I might as well go behind the barn and shoot myself in the face right now.
Then again, it could just be the "late shift" blues.

My Generation

Got a text off my mate Monty this morning, he's managed to get tickets to see The Who at Wembley in June.
Outstanding fucking result!

Beans On Toast

Yummy.

Who Says Romance Is Dead?

I'd like to wish my fiancee Gina a very happy Valentine's Day.

How Many?

Today I've watched 5 films. That's right, 5 (five).
I started with "Red Eye". Me and the missus watched this aeroplane/hostage/terrorist film together.
Then came "Children Of Men". Again, me and the missus watched this pile of shite.
Third came "The Air Up There". A shit film with Kevin Bacon. I didn't choose to watch this film, the missus put it on whilst I prepared the roast dinner.
The fourth film was "An Odd Couple". A classic comedy, only after the missus had turned in for the night.
Finally, I've just watched "Hell In The Pacific". A classic war movie.
Can anyone beat this film haul?
I know Darryn can't, he doesn't watch films, he told me that himself.

Housework

Today I actually did some housework. I hoovered the entire house and then mopped the kitchen, bathroom and living room. I'm such a good boy, she'd better not moan when the football's on later!

So What Is It?

Just what is the greatest song of all time? I was having this conversation with my bro-in-law Gareth earlier. We decided that that the criteria for "best song ever" should be "your" favourite song. I'd like to know what people think. Please, please comment. Click "comments", select "other" (no need to enter a website) , leave your name and song to let us know.
To get things kick started;
"Hey Jude" by the Beatles is my ultimate song.

Recently Listened To

Snowy Journey To Work...

Out the door..... Down the pathway...
To the station...
Where a train will come

...And Home

A certain pussy cat's been outside!

Neanderthals

The Neanderthal people are alive and well.
I know this because I have to deal with them every day.
"Here he goes, spouting his shit again." I hear you say.
But, listen to my evidence.
These people;

- Have an inability to talk properly
- Are mostly overweight due to bad diet
- Have very thick skulls
- Stare blankly when given easily understandable information
- Drag their knuckles along the floor when walking
- Have a complete fucking idiot as their leader

Yes my friends, Neanderthals are alive and well.
Or, as they prefer to be called, "Americans".

A Few

And exactly how many is that?

The Man Who Lives At The Bottom Of My Hill

The man who lives at the bottom of my hill never wears sleeves. Ever.
Tonight, on my way back from the station, he was doing some work under the bonnet of his car. It's extremely cold, frost is already settling on parked cars, still he wore no sleeves. A couple of weeks ago there was about an inch and a half of snow, it was minus four, still he wore no sleeves. He has a beard, smokes a pipe and wears no sleeves.
That's why the man who lives at the bottom of my hill is the hardest man I know.

Happy Birthday Papa Bear!

Happy birthday to my dad who is 57 today. Good food, good company and (most importantly) good beer! See you soon Papa Bear!

Sick Humour Lives

Just Read

Long Day

Today I helped my sis-in-law and her fella move home to Aylesbury. We left my house at 7:45am and I've only arrived home at 11:10pm. With all the lifting, driving vans (which don't want to stay on the road) and putting stuff together, I'm absolutely shattered. I'm going to bed for a very long time.

Sticky Back Plastic

It's sellotape, you wankers!

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof?

Actually, it's slate. I mean the roof, not the cat. Obviously.