Air Force Test

A friend of mine sent me this link; http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

The object of the game is to move the red block around
without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.
Apparently, U.S fighter pilots are expected to last for 2 minutes. The maximum I lasted (in around 20 attempts) was 40.454 seconds.
Give it a go and let me know your results. I want to know how good (or bad!) I was.

Eagerly Awaiting

Recently Viewed

This is a very disturbing film indeed. It's a re-make of an Austrian film.
I can't help thinking the original would have been worse. For example; the Japanese version of "The Ring" is ten times as disturbing as the U.S version. I guess there's something about not understanding the language and having to read the subtitles that adds to the tension.

Currently Listening To

Ya bastards! I'll fight you all right now!

Interesting Fact

Orange jam is called Marmalade. The word Marmalade is an Anglo-Saxon word that can be broken down like this;
Marmalade.
Marma-Lade.
Mumma-Lade.
Mumma-Laid.
Orange jam, it's laid by mumma innit.

Undecided

The hedgehog situation has yet to be resolved.
To be honest, I don't know what I should do.
He's not hurting anyone out there. If I take him to the woods up the road he'll probably just come back and I was only joking about the rusty shovel across the head. There are some people I'd like to do that to, but not a defenceless creature.
What's worse is that we've now given him a name (I keep using him, it could be a her), we've called him Hendrix after the rock god. This has given him a kind of "pet" status, which is making the decision awkward.
Besides, it's kinda cool having a hedgehog in the garage.
Isn't it?
I'm thinking of arranging a boxing match between him and Peanut-Face, but he'll probably win on points.
Sorry.

Quality Film Quote # 30

Police Supervisor: Attention, whoever you are. This channel is reserved for emergency calls only...

John McClane: No fucking shit, lady. Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?

That's Just Plain Nasty

Where as this photo makes Peanut-Face look like a whore, it appears that her eating habits aren't very pure either.
I've just seen the dirty little bitch catch and eat a fly.

The Latest Lodger

I'm sitting on the train to work, feeling glum knowing that I won't see the lovely weather as I'll be underground and the mobile rings. It's the missus.

"Hello?"

"Oh my god! Oh my god, James!"

"What's wrong?"

"Oh my god! Oh my god!......."

I'm thinking she's gone in to labour and I just about hold on to my bowels.

"........there's a hedgehog in the garage!"

Pause.

"What?"

"There's a hedgehog in the garage!"

"A hedgehog?"

"Yeah, a massive one."

"Well show it to my toolbox and get it to finish the bathroom."

"What should I do?"

"Just leave it until I get home."

"What if it shoots spikes at me?!"

"It's a fucking hedgehog love, not a sniper."

Later I get the photo of the hedgehog sleeping under the bbq, the fucker's making himself at home!

When I get home I find him just outside the garage door, the picture didn't come out so well. I made the mistake of coming in the house to get a torch and he'd gone again. Back under the garage door and behind all the stuff that's being stored there for countless relatives. I'll have to wait until he settles for a kip tomorrow. Depending on how frisky the little raasclart is, he'll either get wrapped in an old towel and taken to the woods or he'll have his head staved in with a rusty shovel.

Why I Love "Cunts Corner"

Because sometimes I see stuff like this and I nearly fall off my chair laughing.

The Comb Over

I don't believe that I've insulted this lot yet.
What exactly are they trying to prove and to whom?
Do they think it looks good?
Surely they don't believe that we are fooled and think it's a full head of hair.
It's stupid, they know it and we know it, so stop it right now.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Way back in the day, when I'd only just qualified to work in the Ticket Office, this happened;
I was working in the Office at Clapham South and the Station Supervisor came in.
"This mobile phone was handed in as lost property. Can you put it in a keep-safe bag and place it in the safe until it's ready for despatch to the Lost Property Office."
No problem, I seal the phone in the bag, put it in the safe and log the details in the log book.
No sooner had I done this when we heard the phone ringing. So I open the safe, tear open the bag and answer the phone to, quite possibly, the most stupid woman in the world.
"Hello?"
"Oh thank god, someone's found it. That's my boyfriends phone."
"Yes he left it on a train not long ago. It's with the staff Clapham South Underground station."
"Oh that's great. He doesn't work far from there, I'll get him to pick it up at lunchtime."
"No problem, we'll keep it safe."
"Thank you, bye."
"Ta-la."
I seal the phone in another bag and put it back in the safe. As soon as I lock the safe door, the phone starts ringing again. Again, I open the safe, tear open the bag and answer.
"Hello?"
"Oh, I think I just spoke to you. Are you the guy at Clapham South?"
"Yes, is everything o.k?"
"Yes, I just phoned to tell my boyfriend I'd found his phone."
"Erm, o.k then. Bye."
"Sorry, bye."

Eagerly Awaiting

Recently Completed

The gameplay is outstanding. But even I (a MGS fan) got fed up of the video cutscenes. On average, upon completing one chapter and starting another, there was around 30-45 minutes of video to be watched. Far too long in my opinion, but that's what the MGS series is famed for.
I'm gonna play this again and skip all the cutscenes, no doubt I'll put something about it up here again.

Recently Viewed

I wanted to like this film, I really did. But I didn't. I appreciated the "darker" approach, plus it totally outstrips the previous Batman attempts. However, I just found Christian Bale a bit too wooden.

The western by which all westerns are judged. Outstanding.

A delightful (yes, delightful!) film. Highly recommended whatever your age.

A Fair Match?

This is Manchester Untited, the current champions of England and Europe.
These are the Kaiser Chiefs, a superb rock band from Leeds.

Tomorrow, Manchester United will be playing the Kaiser Chiefs in a pre-season footy match. Personally I can only see one outcome but I do hope that the Kaisers sing Ruby.

Pain In The Arse (Well, Back Actually)

Yesterday I somehow managed to pull a muscle in my back and it's absolute agony.
Why do injuries and illness only happen when I'm on holiday or a long weekend?
I needed to completely finish the bathroom this weekend and unless there's some improvement by sunday, it aint gonna happen. This will result in me having to do it on another weekend off and I only have another two before the baby is supposed to arrive.
I'm also going to a wedding reception tomorrow and won't be looking forward to it if I'm in a constant state of discomfort.
Who'd be me eh?

Recently Viewed

I...... erm...... well...... just don't bother.

Appreciation

Now and then, shit like this happens.
When it does, I know I'm in for a hell of a week.
Today is Monday, the busiest day of the week. Everyone wants their weekly travelcard or pay-as-you-go topped up. Not to mention the countless tourists who have just arrived in the area. Add into this a load of Oyster card replacements and you've got yourself one hell of a queue.
Needless to say, I worked my arse off this morning and afternoon. By the end of my duty I was tired, mentally exhausted, red eyed and had a mouth as dry as Ghandi's flip flop. I just wanted a quick getaway to clear my head, but what came was even better.
My Supervisor and pal Barry came into the Ticket Office and handed me a copy of an e-mail he'd sent to the managers office. It was a nomination for a "Thanks To You" award. I was only doing my job and didn't expect this at all. What was most greatly appreciated though, was when Barry gave me a firm handshake, looked me in the eye and said "Thanks for all your hard work today James, we really appreciate it." Words of gratitude like this go a very long way and I left work rejuvenated and very upbeat. It is the simple face-to-face thanks like this which is, in my opinion, far too often overlooked by London Underground.
Whether I get the award or not isn't important. Like I said, sometimes shit happens and you just have to deal with it. Like today.
And probably tomorrow.
Come to think of it, Wednesday's looking like a bitch too!

Forward This E-Mail Or.........

You know the ones, "Forward this e-mail or; you'll never have sex, you'll have bad / good luck, your teeth will fall out, someone will rape your cat, we'll come around to your house and inject you with ebola." O.k, I made the last three up, but you get my point.
Whoever writes these things (I suspect a greasy, spotty, teenage, friendless, self abusing yank) is a complete spaz. And anyone who actually forwards them is just as bad.
Do they really believe that my refusal to forward a shitty e-mail will result in some terrible voodoo being sent my way?
And, if I do forward it, are they so sure that my sex life will increase ten-fold?
Grow up or fuck off and die.
Forward this blog entry or you will be killed to death by rabid chickens on acid.

Thanks, But I'll Stay Up this End

Yesterday, the missus and me went to a class for parents to be.
We discussed labour, childbirth and pain relief options.
Then we watched a video on birth.........
..............yuk!
When my kid is born, I'm gonna be well away from the business end of things. I shall tentatively mop the missus brow with damp flannel while she hurls abuse at me.
I'm also gonna advise the midwife to wear a baseball glove. When the head's out, the rest of the baby comes shooting out quicker than me running to the bar.
And that's really quick.

Day Trip To Southend

Tuesday was the missus and my own rest day and we decided to make a day of it. We jumped in the car and headed to Southend. We'd never been there before and it wasn't as bad as people have said to us in the past. We walked along the worlds longest pleasure pier, along the beach and then visited the Sea-Life Centre. Despite the amount of clouds around, the weather held out really well, with only one downpour in the 4 hours we were there. We also had Wimpy for lunch, the missus saw it and that was it, Wimpy or nothing! End of Southend Pier looking towards land.
Blue skies above the beach.
These Bad Boys were looking for the next Steve Irwin.
A Sea-Horse. They're all gay you know. Fact.
Me surrounded by Pirhanas.

Suitcase Compass

I work in a busy tube station, next to a busy rail terminal and I see a lot of suitcases.
Disturbingly though, I'm noticing an increasing number of suitcases with cheap, nasty compasses in the handle.
Why?
I mean, if you are in to "adventure" holidays where you'd need a compass, you're hardly going to take a cheap wheely suitcase with you. I can just imagine a couple getting lost in the desert or jungle.
"We're lost George! I told you we should have gone left at the last sand dune / elm tree!"
"Hang on darling, all is not lost. There's a compass in the handle of this cheap, nasty suitcase I've been dragging around. Matalan have really saved the day."
To be honest, I doubt that the compass would find north, even it was three metres from the pole itself.
Maybe it's for the airport, perhaps it points the way to the bar. In which case, I'm off to buy one now.

Currently Listening To

Old Skool Ska!

Interesting Fact

Worms are baby snakes.

Quality Film Quote # 29

Ken: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a cunt. You're a cunt now, and you've always been a cunt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.
Harry: Leave my kids fucking out of it! What have they done? You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!
Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.
Harry: Insult my fucking kids? That's going overboard, mate!
Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?

Dear Foreign Person In The Street

I don't know anyone in the following countries;

Albania, Australia, Bangladesh, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Croatia, Czech Republic, France, Gambia, Germany, Ghana, Hong Kong, Hungary, India, Iran, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Kenya, Latvia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Pakistan, Philippines, Poland, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Thailand, Trinidad, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, USA or Zimbabwe.

Now, will you please stop thrusting your chavvy "discount" phone card in my face!

Currently Re-Viewing

I always loved this show, although the missus won't watch it. She reckons it's "Fucked up." So, I've transferred them all to my iPod and watch them on the train to work.