Oi! Fuckwit! Try This!

If you look down by your left hip, you'll see a small red button. Press the red button and your seatbelt will dis-engage. Remove your seatbelt.
Now, look to your right. Somewhere on the door is a small lever, pull it. The door moved a little didn't it? Yes, now push the door and it will fully open.
If you look down, you'll see two long bendy things. These are called legs. Swing your legs to your right and out of the door you just opened. Push yourself forward and upwards so that your weight is fully on your legs.
Now, here comes the tricky part.
Swing your left leg forwards.
And now your right leg forwards.
Now your left.
And again with the right.
This is called walking. Continue to walk until you reach the door of the person you are trying to collect.
Make your hand into a fist and knock firmly on the door and await a reply.

With practice, you'll be able to carry out this proceedure in less than a minute.

Im sure you'll agree, this is substantially less time than the 6-7 minutes you spent repeatedly beeping your fucking horn!

The 33

There's a collapsed mine in Chile big enough to fit 33 people. I suggest these fuckers are sent down and sealed in.

1; Alan Carr
2; Katie Jordan Price Jordan
3; Alex Reid
4; Kerry Katona
5; Ashley Cole
6; Cheryl Cole
7; Boris Johnson
8; David Cameron
9: The 'Go Compare' Singer
10; Neil Hamilton
11; Christine Hamilton
12; Gary Glitter
13; Tara Palmer Tomkinson
14; Piers Morgan
15; Hugh Grant
16; Lindsay Lohan
17; Jeremy Kyle
18; Lady Ga Ga
19; Bono
20; Paris Hilton
21; Robbie Williams
22; Heather Mills
23; Davina McCall
24; Robert Mugabe
25; Barry Scott (Bang & the cunt is gone)
26; Kim Jong Il
27; Fabio Capello
28; George W Bush
29; Michael Winner
30; Gordon Brown
31; Madonna
32; David Gest
33; George Michael

I was so surprised how easy this list was to make, I even made a standby list incase any of the cunts above die.

34; Steve McClaren
35; Julia Roberts
36; Mark Lawrenson
37; Pete Doherty
38; Adrian Chiles
39; Britney Spears
40; The Go Compare Advert Creator

Feel free to add your own, I'm not too fussed how cramped it gets down there!

That'll Teach You!

Now look here you stupid fucking coat! I don't care how much I paid for you!
When I come home from work, tired and irritated by countless northerners who think they know better than me, I just want to hang you up and sit down.
Yes, I know there's a perfectly good coat rack in the hallway but, A; I'm too lazy to go there and B; It annoys the missus when I hang you elsewhere.
So, all things considered, when I hang you on the back of a dining chair I expect you to fucking stay there! When you fall limply to the side and on to the floor, I take it as an insult.
Not content with insulting me once, you wait for me to bend down, pick you up and re-hang you on the chair, only to fall off again.
Well, that's it, bollocks to you!
You can lay in the corner of the room, where I kicked you.
All night.
Bastard.

Too Bad, So Sad, Bye Bye!

Big Brother has ended....... forever!
I cant tell you how happy this makes me! I doubt I've watched more than half an hour of this show since it started. It's shit. And full of fucktards. And watched by cunts.
But, I'm a reasonable man and, as such, I'd like to suggest a few other programmes for stupid people to watch.
I Used To Be A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here (and away from Ant or Dec from Ant and Dec.)
Strictly Cum Dancing.
Stricly Cum Dancing On Ice.
The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent (after the auditions of course! Some of those fuckwits really think they have talent!)
So there you go. If you're a cunt and you enjoy watching cunty programmes, go right ahead.

More Shit Music

Train: Hey, Soul Sister.

"Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my
Left-side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you
Blow my mind....."

WHAT??
Your left side brains?
You've got multiple brains?
And they're separated into 'left' and 'right' sections?

You're a fucking idiot.

England

Well, that was an anti-climax wasn't it?!
Actually, that's not exactly true is it?
England were piss poor from the off, at no point did I think we had any chance against the Germans yesterday let alone winning the whole thing. 
So who or what can we blame this time?

Fabio Capello?
The playing squad?
The football? (hard to play the long ball game with a ball that won't go in a straight line!)
Vuvuzela?
The altitude?

They may very well have all played their part, but none of them are the main reason for England's failings. And not just for this tournament. No, this has been going on for years.
For me, the blame lies firmly with the F.A.

For years club managers and players have been complaining about the amount of fixtures and the lack of a winter break. These complaints have not only fallen on deaf ears, the F.A have actually suggested playing an extra game every year abroad.
A top premier league side will play a fair amount more games than their European counterparts. Then you have to factor in international matches, European competitions and 5 hours training every day.  I don't care who you are or how much you earn, you're gonna be fatigued at the end of the season.
The England players looked completely drained of both energy and ideas throughout their all too brief South African adventure.

Then there's the manager. I don't think Capello should have ever been made England manager. Another mistake by the F.A. In fact, the last few England managers have all been poor choices. What we've needed for ages is someone who isn't scared to drop the 'un-droppables'. Far too many of England's starting line-up were only there because of their name. Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard, Terry, Barry, Johnson, none of them have performed well in an England shirt in ages. Then there's the rest of the squad; Heskey, Carragher, Wright-Phillips, Green, to name a few. Just not good enough.
Capello may be a good disciplinary coach, but his poor grasp of English (Matty speaks better English than him!) and his insistance on playing Gerrard, Lampard and Barry together just goes to show he's not right for England.

Now there's the issue of Capello's contract. Why was it renewed/improved before the World Cup? Now he's earning £6 million a year, the highest amount any national coach is being paid. If the F.A do want to get rid of him, he'll get one hell of a golden handshake. Surely it would have been wiser to negotiate after the tournament, they could've negotiated downwards!

I genuinely have no idea where the England team will go from here. The so called 'Golden Generation' are well past their prime. More worrying is that the next generation are struggling to prove themselves too. I'm afraid that things are certain to get worse before they get better.

Attention!

Despite what you may think, this is not the English flag!

This is the English flag!
It is instantly recognisable and therefore does not require four (surely there should only be three?) lions or the word 'England' emblazoned across it!

Did He Think I'd Let It Go?

Yesterday I was walking along the road and talking to the missus on the phone. As I was talking a rather fat bloke (yes, fatter than me!) stepped in front of me, put his hand up and started to talk to me.

"Excuse me."
I indicated that I was on the phone but he persisted.
"Excuse me."
"Sorry, I'm on the phone mate."
I walk past him. He waits till he thinks I'm out of ear shot.
"Yeah, you carry on fucking talking!"
I tell the missus to hang on and turn around. He has his back to me now, walking away.
"Oi!"
He turns to face me.
"What's your fucking problem? I'm on the phone you arrogant dick!"
He opens his mouth and is about to say something.
"Bollocks! Fuck off you cunt!"
Just to hammer home my annoyance, I throw in some rude hand gestures.
He stands there, mouth open.
I turn and go back to my phone conversation.

More Shit Music

U2; I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight.

It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubtin?
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

What?! You'll go crazy if you don't go crazy? What the fuck does that even mean?

Men Who Wear Ugg Boots

Stop it, you look like a cunt!

American Are We? Are We Fuck!

I am fucking livid at the moment.
Some of the people of this great nation have a serious fucking problem.
Any idea what I'm talking about?
No? Well, I'll tell you.
Barack Obama's inauguration.
Don't get me wrong, this is not an attack on the man himself.
Nor the U.S.ofA.
It's about the amount of people watching and talking about the inauguration itself.
Why? Why the fuck are you bothering? Are you American? Do you live in America? Are you related in any way to President Obama himself?
No, I didn't think so.
Did any of you watch Gordon Brown being sworn in as Prime Minister? Or how about the Queen's speech on Christmas day?
No, I didn't think so.
Sort your fucking lives out, show some pariotism.

Celebrity Freak Brother

You will be well aware by now of my hatred of Big Brother. But, as I have over 700 channels of shit, I catch a minute or two of it now and then while searching for something that doesn't make me feel like boiling my head.



Is she white, black, asian or oriental?

Michael, Janet or Latoya? Nice tits though.

Scraping the barrel here were we?

I rest my case; the biggest prick in the world.

Recently Viewed

Utter shit! I really, really used to like Lee Evans, but lately I've been seeing him as a one trick pony. Even when I watch his classic stand up routines I don't see it as funny as it used to be.

Congratulations to the makers of this film! You have done the impossible and put me off westerns. Lets just hope it's not permanent.

Now, where's my copy of "Shane"?

110 minutes of my life that will never, ever be returned. This film, is a complete and utter cunt.

I have to confess that alcohol caused me to fall asleep towards the end of this film. But, I will say that I was really enjoying it until then.

Perfect Fucking Timing!

Our fridge is fucked.
I dunno exactly what is wrong and quite frankly, I couldn't give a shit.
All I know, is it keeps tripping the circuit breaker on my fuse box.
So now I need to buy a new fridge, two days before christmas.
Do you reckon they'll deliver it before the big day?
I don't.

Mental Cruelty

Just look at the poster they've put opposite my ticket office window! So now I'm at work all day thinking of beer!
Utter, utter bastards!

More Success

I've made it into "Cunts Corner" again, with a comment about that atrocity of a "comedy" Two And A Half Men.

Make Me Smile, Make Me Smile

Before the footy on tuseday night, we went to a bar (surprised?).
I went to the loo and was immediately fed up when I saw one of those "Toilet Attendants".
You know the ones, they hang around in toilets, turn on the taps for you, hand you a single sheet of economy kitchen towel and then offer to spray you with something from an aftershave bottle, which is probably yak's piss.
Then he's got the nerve to point at a stainless steel plate and repeat "Make me smile, make me smile."
These people are now second on my list of hatred after them optimistic charity street fucks.

They Saw Me Coming

Just lately I've noticed a few issues with my eyesight.
Driving seems to be taking more attention than it used to and, the other day, I was struggling to read the menu on the wall of a coffee shop.
On friday I've booked my first ever proper eye test. It will cost me £20.
Fucking £20!
At that price, I hope they find something wrong so that the money won't have been a waste!
Robbing cunts!

Dummy Floor Love Link

Just what is the attraction between dummies and the floor?
Is it physical?
Why do I spend half of my day picking these things up, washing and sterilizing them, when they're just gonna try to dry hump the floor again?
Rubbery, plasticy, baby soothing cunts!

Grrrr

Is there anything worse than being really hungry and fancying a ham sandwich, only to discover that the bread has gone stale?
And it's not like I can go to the shop at 1:30 am on a sunday night!