She's Mad I Tell Ya!

I get in from work and the Missus is ironing in the kitchen.

"Fuckin 'ell love, it's roasting in here. Why don't you iron in the living room?"
"I've nearly finished now. I had the window open earlier, but I closed it 'cos it was too see-through."
"Erm, yes. That can be a problem with windows can't it?!"

Big Mistake

O.K. It's hot at the moment.
I'm laying in bed watching the football with the fan on full blast at the base of the bed.
The missus is on a night shift, so with no fear of being shouted at, I let out a rip roaring fart of epic proportions.
I mentioned that the fan was on at the base of the bed right?
Well, I just got a face full of my own foul smelling arse.
Nice. No wonder the missus shouts at me!

Up Your Viva!

I hate this fucking advert!


But, for some reason, I love this version!

She's Mad I Tells Ya

It seems that my mum is not immune to asking stupid questions either.
I popped into town with Matty this morning and decided to ask her to come out for a coffee. I buzzed her intercom and the following conversation took place.

"Hello"
"Hey mum, it's James. What you doing?"
"Nothing, why?"
"Do you fancy going for a coffee?"
"Yeah, o.k. love. Where are you? Downstairs?"
"Well, if I'm talking to you on the intercom dickhead, I must be mustn't I?!"
"Erm, yeah. I'll come down."

Needless to say, I got a slap for calling her a dickhead!

For All Your Farting Facts

Click here.

And All Because The Boy Finds It Funny

Baby vest head.

I dunno why, but it makes him laugh!

Mad As Fuckers Day

Today was just one of those days.
It felt as though someone had gone around with a few Border Collies and rounded up every fucknut they could find, only to release them onto the Underground network. In particular, my station.
By the time I went on my break, I was ready to slam my head against a hard surface repeatedly. I must apologise to my mate Andy, who got a "someone shoot me now" attitude when he phoned.
On the plus side, I found (well, I say found, but someone told me where it was!) a fantasic burrito place a few minutes walk from my station.

This Side Up?

I don't know if you read about this in The Sun today, nor do I know if it's genuine or not. To be honest, I don't really care. It's just damned funny.

Typical Workplace Conversation

I was covering a meal break on the gate line, when a customer approached me and shows his ticket.
"Excuse me, can I go through the luggage gate? I've got a heavy suitcase."
"Sure mate, just push the top right hand corner of the gate when you hear the alarm."
He pulls the gate.
"No, push the top right corner mate."
He pushes the top left of the gate.
"No mate, push the top right corner of the gate."
He touches the Oyster card reader, which isn't even attatched to the gate.
"Hello!"
He turns.
"Push the top right hand corner of the gate."
He tries to pull the gate again.
"Where's your right hand mate?"
He waves it at me.
"And where's the gate?"
He points at it.
"Now, locate the top right hand corner of the gate and push."
Finally, he gets it right.

D'oh!

The light bulb in the spare room blew today.
I removed it with no problem, but then tried to turn the light on so I could see while putting the new bulb in.
What a dick!

Typical Workplace Conversation

Way back in the day, when I'd only just qualified to work in the Ticket Office, this happened;
I was working in the Office at Clapham South and the Station Supervisor came in.
"This mobile phone was handed in as lost property. Can you put it in a keep-safe bag and place it in the safe until it's ready for despatch to the Lost Property Office."
No problem, I seal the phone in the bag, put it in the safe and log the details in the log book.
No sooner had I done this when we heard the phone ringing. So I open the safe, tear open the bag and answer the phone to, quite possibly, the most stupid woman in the world.
"Hello?"
"Oh thank god, someone's found it. That's my boyfriends phone."
"Yes he left it on a train not long ago. It's with the staff Clapham South Underground station."
"Oh that's great. He doesn't work far from there, I'll get him to pick it up at lunchtime."
"No problem, we'll keep it safe."
"Thank you, bye."
"Ta-la."
I seal the phone in another bag and put it back in the safe. As soon as I lock the safe door, the phone starts ringing again. Again, I open the safe, tear open the bag and answer.
"Hello?"
"Oh, I think I just spoke to you. Are you the guy at Clapham South?"
"Yes, is everything o.k?"
"Yes, I just phoned to tell my boyfriend I'd found his phone."
"Erm, o.k then. Bye."
"Sorry, bye."

A Fair Match?

This is Manchester Untited, the current champions of England and Europe.
These are the Kaiser Chiefs, a superb rock band from Leeds.

Tomorrow, Manchester United will be playing the Kaiser Chiefs in a pre-season footy match. Personally I can only see one outcome but I do hope that the Kaisers sing Ruby.

Suitcase Compass

I work in a busy tube station, next to a busy rail terminal and I see a lot of suitcases.
Disturbingly though, I'm noticing an increasing number of suitcases with cheap, nasty compasses in the handle.
Why?
I mean, if you are in to "adventure" holidays where you'd need a compass, you're hardly going to take a cheap wheely suitcase with you. I can just imagine a couple getting lost in the desert or jungle.
"We're lost George! I told you we should have gone left at the last sand dune / elm tree!"
"Hang on darling, all is not lost. There's a compass in the handle of this cheap, nasty suitcase I've been dragging around. Matalan have really saved the day."
To be honest, I doubt that the compass would find north, even it was three metres from the pole itself.
Maybe it's for the airport, perhaps it points the way to the bar. In which case, I'm off to buy one now.

Oops

This is our new catflap. The old one broke as it was permanently being wedged open as our beloved Peanut-Face was too lazy to push it open herself.
I was determined that this wouldn't be the case with the new one.
I've made it my mission this week to teach Peanut-Head how to use it.
While trying to force her through, I encountered some resistance. I assumed she was pushing back with her front paws so I changed my grip.
Now I was holding her so she couldn't push back, still I encountered resistance.
Not to be outdone by a catflap I pushed harder, to the point where Peanut hissed and growled at me. I let her go thinking something was wrong with the catflap.
On inspection it appeared that I hadn't unlocked it and for the last minute I had been ramming my cats skull into a locked flap.
She seems to be avoiding me at the moment.

Stupid Bitch

Today I was sitting on the train with my iPod, trying to decide if I should listen to The Who or watch an episode of Red Dwarf. While there was no sound coming through the earphones, I overheard the conversation of the couple sitting opposite me. It went like this;

"I need to get a new phone."
"Why?"
"I find this one complicated."
"How?"
"It's too easy to use, that's what makes it complicated."

It was all I could do to stop myself punching her in the middle of her face.
I swiftly selected The Who and listened to Baba O'Riley very loudly!

Egg, Beach, Fry Adventure

Just found this video on my computer. I'd completely forgotten about it as it's a couple of years old.

The short story is; A colleague found out that I was going to Greece to see relatives. He said that when he was a kid, his teacher had been to greece and said it was so hot you could fry an egg on the beach. I pointed out that it would be in the middle of november and I'd be staying by the mountains but he wanted me to try anyway.

So here it is, me trying to fry an egg by the beach in Aigio in mid-november. It's filmed using a mobile phone so put up or shut up.

Typical Workplace Conversation

So, the customers (there were many) walk past the station entrance which is half closed.
"Hmm, I wonder what that means?"

They go down a few steps and see the first notice board.
"Planned engineering, station is closed. Surely that's not meant for me."

They turn to their left and see the second set of station gates are three quarters closed.
"I wonder why those gates are closed like that? Never mind, I've got a tube to catch."

Customer goes to the gates and sees another sign.
"This station is closed due to planned engineering works. Ooh, that's two gates partially closed and two six foot high notice boards trying to send me a message. It's too bad I'm as thick as pig shit. It's getting late, I'd better get my train."
Customer approaches a member of staff; me.
"Are the trains running o.k?"
"No, it's suspended for engineering works all weekend."
"Oh, is this station closed then?"
"Yes."
"You could have put a notice up to stop people coming down here."
"Yes, we erm, really, really should do that."
"Are you being sarcastic?"
"Not at all. When you re-trace your steps to exit the station please look around for hidden clues suggesting that this station could be closed."

I'm As Hard As Fucking Nails!

25

Meet Michigan Singles

Sometimes Time Off Is A Pain

I'm in the middle of 9 days annual leave.
I was terminally ill for the first 2, laying the front room floor for the next 2 and now I'm completely bored.
The missus is on night shifts tonight, tomorrow and thursday so I'll be alone for the most part.
It's pissing down outside so I'm not going out.
I've completed Guitar Heroes 3 on easy setting and am not brave enough to try a harder level.
I'm utterly, utterly bored stiff.
I'm gonna have to get drunk to null the boredom.
Although, I do stupid things when I'm in this kind of mood.

BOREDOM
+
BOOZE
+
NO GINA TO KEEP AN EYE ON ME
=
NO PUBES IN THE MORNING

It's the circle of life and she's got no-one to blame but herself.

Super Modern Mattress

Computerised foam mattress are here.
They are now, they are the future.
If you don't get one then we'll kill you and make it look like an accident.