The Savage Beast

This morning, on my way to the station, I was savagely attacked by a hedgehog. He came flying out of the darkness at full speed, with a look of pure hatred on his face.
Look at him, you can see the evil in his eyes.

What Holiday?

Why is it that, no matter how much time you've just had off, you feel exhausted when you get up to return to work?
I've just had two weeks off, I had at least eight and a half hours sleep, so why do I feel like I need a holiday already?

It's Mine Now Bitch!

This is a geography book. It was printed in 1984. It's in bad condition and worthless. Worthless that is, on the common market.
You see, this book is the subject of furious debate between my brother and me. This book was a gift to me from my nanna. He claims it was a gift to him.
The book has changed hands more times than Pete Doherty's favourite needle. Normally via foul means.
Today I liberated (stole) the book and retuned it to it's rightful owner, me.
I'm a current day Robin Hood I am!

Congrats.....

......to my bro-in-law Gary who has completed all of his Metropolitan Police training. He has his Passing Out Ceremony tomorrow.
Well done mate, we're all proud of ya!


Updated 28/04; Here's a couple of pics of the man himself.

Rest In Peace

ALAN BALL 1945 - 2007

1966; World Cup winner with England. Third from left.

Alan played for Blackpool, Everton, Arsenal and Southampton. He made 72 apperances for England.

A true football legend and charismatic guy who will be missed.

Bad Ads #2

Those 118 fuckers are gonna get it too!

Bad Ads

Sheila's Wheels, U Switch, Volvic (with Tyrannosaurus Alan), Hastings Direct, Picture The Loan, etc.
If I ever find out who is responsible for these adverts I will hunt you down and hurt you.
Really, really hurt you.

Gone

My in-laws have just moved out. They've moved into a flat in Paddington.
It was nice to have them here but I'm really glad to have the place to ourselves again.
I wish them all the best in their new home.

Happy St George's Day!

Wreck

I'm completely wrecked.
Friday; Drank too much with my dad, ate too much.
Saturday; Drank too much at my mate Darryn's while watching the footy, continued to drink too much at my sis-in-laws bbq. Obviously, I ate too much again.
Sunday; Drank and ate too much with my brother.
Right now; Bloated, de-hydrated, shaky handed, bad headed, aching bellied, furry tongued, grumpy bastard.

Back

I'm back from my weekend away.
I'll post about it later.
When I'm sober.
Maybe.

Away

I'll be away for the next few days, so don't expect an update.

Sore Arse

I went out on my bike today. Now my arse hurts. The only way I can describe it is like the feeling you get when you've been punched.
I feel like I've been punched in my arse.
That's punched, not fisted, you dirty fucko's!

Mawf Ulfwa

I've got a mouth ulcer and it really hurts. I've had it for days.
Why am I cursed with this?
The whole world is against me.

Presently Watching

These films are classic. Real, proper comedy.

Wasp

Stripy arsed fucker that flew into my living room just now and made me panic.
If they sting you it makes you pregnant with a wasp that you'll give birth to a week later. Then your baby wasp will eat your eyes and wipe its arse on your hair.
That's true that is.

Chips

I've been to Tescos today.
I couldn't find frying chips anywhere. Can you believe that all they had were oven chips. I don't mean that all the frying chips were sold out, I mean they had NONE.
Normally I cut and fry my own chips, but I like to have some in the freezer just in case. And, lets be honest, oven chips taste like shit.
Just who the fuck do Tescos think they are anyway? Are they concerned that if they sell frying chips that some stupid fat american will sue them?
This is England. We like our chips fried thank you very much.

My Cat The Murderer

My cat has killed another member of the animal kingdom.
Yesterday she brought home a bird. The bird (or so we thought) was alive and well so we set it free in the tree across the road.
Today she brought it home again, unfortunately, this time it was dead.
I can't believe that my cute little cat, called Peanut-Face, would do such a thing.

My Weekend

It started on Friday afternoon when I got touched up by a man called Mr Lobb. Friday evening we went to the pub with Gaz and 'Chelle and got shit faced.
Saturday morning I lazed around. Saturday afternoon I watched the footy on t'internet. Then went to the pub with my dad folloowed by a chinese meal and back home for more beer.
Sunday I went for a walk in Bluebell Woods with my dad.In the afternoon we lit the bbq and drank more beer. There were ten of us here and a good day was had by all.

O.K, I Stay

After considering my options over the weekend, as well as getting rat arsed on more than one occasion, I've decided to continue my blog.
I honestly didn't now if I wanted to blog anymore.
I didn't think anyone actually read the fucker but apparently they do.
As soon as I shake off this thumping head, furry tongue, blurry eyes and mouth tasting like shit, I may tell you what I did this weekend.
Or I may just get drunk again.

He Touched My Special Place

Me and the missus went to the hospital today.
You see, we're trying for a baby and we've had no luck so far.
The missus arranged to meet a consulant to see what's happening.
So along I go, thinking they'll just ask some questions and then maybe examine the missus.
But, no.
After questioning us on our lifestyle (Erm, about 8 pints a week, honestly!) he announced "O.K, I need to examine you both now."
Whoah! Examine? Me?
And so I was sent to the coldest room in the hospital and told to take my kecks down. I always thought they only said "Cough" in the movies. He had a "feel" of my testicularianisms and then told me to get dressed. The fucker, I'd only just pulled my pants up and he opened the door and marched out, leaving me standing with my jeans around my ankles and the whole waiting room looking in!
I may also be required to give a "sample" of my love magma.
Today I had my balls felt by an old man called Mr Lobb.
Thank fuck for Jack Daniels.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Should I continue my blog?
You decide.

Erm, Good Boy?

Rover!

Good boy! You came back when I called.

Now, where's Fido?

Oh, what's that you've got boy?

Recently Watched

So Close

I'm two days away from a two week holiday. The surprising thing is that the days are flying by. That's a sure sign that the holiday will be over and I'll be back to work before I know what's hit me.

Quality Film Quote #4

"There is a time to laugh and a time not to laugh, and this is not one of them."

Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau.

Typical Workplace Conversation

A conversation between myself and a foreign customer.
"Souissa."
"Sorry?"
"Souissa."
"Sorry I don't understand you."
"I want go Souissa."
"Where?"
"Souissa!"
I hand the customer an underground map.
"Show me whre you want to go."
"No, not subway. Souissa, the country! I go from Hooston"
"From Euston you mean?"
"Yes Hooston."
"And when you say 'Souissa the country', do you mean Scotland?"
"Yes, Scoutlaynd, the country."
You couldn't make this shit up.

Nose Hair Tension Pain Thingy

For the last few days I've felt like someone is pulling on one of my nose hairs. The sensation is like a permanent feeling of pain and tension.
If you want to know how it feels, just pull one hair, any hair, until it is tight. Don't pull it out, just keep the tension there.
See, not nice is it? Imagine feeling that for days.
If anyone knows the medical term for this condition could they please contact someone who gives a shit.

Bunch Of Arse(nal)!

How, the fuck can a football team have over 20 shots on goal and not score?! Bunch of overpaid, under achieving wankers!

2 Down, Only 6 To Go

Did my second of eight shifts today. As it was a bank holiday it was like working in a graveyard. I don't expect it to get any better over the weekend either.
There was no sign of my nemesis on the way home today. Perhaps he's gone away for easter.

8 Days To Go

I'm starting my 8 day week of early shifts today.
After this run I've got 2 weeks off and it can't come soon enough.

Currently Watching

Quality Film Quote #3

"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

Gladiator; Russell Crowe as Maximus to the shitty emporor Commodus.

Might As Well Read Yellow Pages

So I'm on the loo and, after a moment, it's obvious that I'm in trouble. Must've been the spicy wings I had yesterday.
Anyway, since I'm gonna be here a while I'll read something. Now, where's my Empire mag? OK, it must be outside, no worries, I'll flick through Gina's Cosmopolitan, might be a semi nude bird in the fashion bit.
No luck.
What strikes me though is the amount of adverts. And, since I'm in for the long haul I might as well count them.
116 pages out of 248 were taken up by ads, that's 46.78%!
As near as makes no difference to half.
As I said, you might as well read Yellow Pages.

Typical

It's been nice weather for the last few days. Could it last just one extra day so that I can enjoy a rest day in the sun?
Will it fuck.

Quality Film Quote #2

"You're a big man, but you're in bad shape. With me it's a full time job. Now, behave yourself."
Get Carter; Michael Caine as Jack Carter to a rather large henchman in the pub.

Quality Film Quote

"Your mother was an animal ya son of a bitch!"
Raging Bull; Robert De Niro as Jake La Motta to a neighbour.

Last Shift Of The Week

It's a stunning day outside and I've gotta go to work. Still, at least it's the last one!

Which Is It?

What is the greatest "sit-com" of all time?
Don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of sentimental FOOLS out there.
Only Fools And Whorses is no where near as funny as Blackadder or even Red Dwarf.
So, in summary, if you like "only whores" then don't post your opinion here.
Seriously, I grew up very near Peckham and people don't talk like that.
"Luverly Jubberly"
Prick.

Just Ordered

Unsuccessful

Train-Op- Failed.

For You Mate

Just a small attempt to cheer up my bro-in-law Gareth who lost 2 people very close to him recently.
I love ya man!

I Don't Believe It

You know those McCoys crisps right? They do a flavour called "Flame Grilled Steak" right. I like crisps right, so I had a packet of the aformentioned crisps right.
Would you fucking believe it? On the back of the packet it says "Suitable for vegetarians".
Suitable.
For.
Vegetarians.
a) Why the fuck would a vegetarian want a packet of steak flavoured crisps in the first place?
b) McCoys; at least make an effort, grind up some cow eyelids or something.
c) I don't really need a (c) cos the first 2 were so great.
d) If you're vegetarian, or know one of these deranged people, would you/they eat these crisps?
I'll never touch them again!

Thanks...

...to all those who sent messages of good luck.

Stressed, Seriously Stressed

I'm going for a Train Operator assessment and interview tomorrow morning.
It's really, really making my nerves bad.
I've worked for the Underground for 6 1/2 years so I'm used to everything going tits up at the drop of a hat. It normally does when I'm on duty anyway! I can deal with pressure situations such as these, easily.
But, I don't like interviews, no way, not for me, no thanks.
So, tomorrow then, an interview, for train operator, tomorrow, morning, I can't take this.

Please Don't Make Me Do It

I don't want to go to work!

Making Me Look Bad

Since my father in law came to stay he's done nothing but complete little jobs around the house.
I know, you're probably thinking "Stop moaning, be grateful."
Now, look.
If he completes all the little jobs such as fixing lights, adjusting cupboard doors and fitting wine racks, what's gonna be left for me to do?
I'll tell you what, BIG JOBS!
I am, what can only be described as, a lazy fuck and therefore I've decided to murder my father in law and hide his body so that he can't create any more work for me, by doing work I can't be bothered to do.
If that makes any sense, which it doesn't.
Besides, murdering and hiding him seems too much like hard work anyway.
I wonder if he'll take a bribe?!

Currently Listening To

VERY, VERY, LOUDLY!

Just Watched

Worth watching purely for Dave, Mr Foo Fighters, Grohl's sexual devil dance at the end!

Attention Turns To

Trailers can be found here.

Same Shit, Different Bond

Bad guys, when running away from an international superspy whom you believe may kill you, why not run to the top of an unfinished building, jump over to and climb to the top of a crane, engage in a bit of fisticuffs with said superspy and when he slips, holding on to the crane with only one hand, rather than stamp on said hand thus eliminating your foe, continue to climp upwards, then jump onto another crane, etc, et-fucking-cetera!
Like I said, same shit.

Last Nights Rant

It appears that the sunday papers agreed with my drunken rant about the England football team; N.O.T.W, Sunday Mirror, Sunday People, I could go on, and on, and on...............

Shit!

ENGLAND = National disgrace, lack of effort, lack of pride, lack of movement, lack of ideas, you are a bunch of cu*ts!!

One To Watch

I've just been watching England U21's vs Italy U21's.
Gianpaolo Pazzini of Italy and Fiorentina was outstanding.
He scored the first goal at the new Wembley after 29 seconds, then went on to score the first hatrick at the new Wembley.
What a prospect, England's defence just couldn't cope with him.
Too bad the Azzuri blue seems to suit him so well!

Congratulations!

To my good mate Andy and his lovely wife Suze for getting up the duff!
All this time, we thought you were firing blanks!!

The Joys Of Shift Work

After getting up early for 8 days in a row, you would think I'm desperate for a lie in. And, you'd be right, I was.

But, around 6:15 I was awake. Tried desperately to nod back off but no luck. So as not to be the only one awake I accidently, on purpose, woke the missus up around 7:30.

After an hour of sitting around I was overwhelmingly tired again, so at 8:30 I plodded off to bed for another "hours" kip.

12:00 someone knocks on the door, wakes me up. I felt like I could have slept for another couple of hours but I get up anyway.

How shift work fucks you up eh?

I've just had "brunch" which consisted of bacon, sausage, black pudding, eggs, beans a fried slice and a regular slice.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my bro-in-law Gareth who is 26 today!
I can give it big up your birthday fanny as well!

Just Watched

OUTFUCKINGSTANDING!
Move over Gladiator, this will now be known as the best historical epic ever!

Currently Reading

mumrar n. The act of sneaking up behind your mother and shouting RAR!

cuntitude n. A cuntish attitude.

fugly adj. Fucking ugly.

Complete Fucking Idiot!

Today the station next to us closed so we had to implement station control. This meant that we were allowing people to exit the station, not enter. As you can imagine the exits were pretty congested.
After a while the Supervisor said we can start to let a few people enter the station. The moment this came over the radio a few people heard and walked straight past me and into the mass crowd trying to leave the station.
A lady who was trying to exit decided to aim her frustration at me.
"Why are you letting these people in? It's fucking packed down there!"
I replied in a civil tone (yes, I can be civil!) "I'm sorry madam, I'm just following instructions."
Rather than leave it at that the woman said one of the most stupid and offensive things she could have ever thought of.
"That's just what Hitler did!"
There were dozens of other customers around who just stood there, jaws on the floor.
I replied with "First of all, Hitler gave the orders, not take them. Secondly, your attempt to look big in front of dozens of people has made you look like a complete facist idiot."
The woman must have realised what she'd just done because she went bright red, hung her head and walked away very, very briskly.
A few of the witnessing customers sent derisive comments her way and said well done to me for speaking out.

2 Days To Go

Exhaustion

I'm absolutely fucking knackered!
Hopefully, the quadruple espresso I'm about to drink will perk me up!

Bebo

I'm here too!

MySpace

You can find me here too!

Ohhh, I Can't Wait Anymore

Is it the 22nd yet?

So, Right, Yeah

Like, if sumone, right, who's dad yeah, like, had a sex change yeah, right and now they're, like, a ladyboy or sumfin right, would that person, yeah, send their dad, like, a mothers day card?
Safe.

I Want One

Please, please, please can someone buy me the new Audi TT?

Typical Workplace Conversation

A conversation between myself and a customer;
"What station do I need for Baker Street?"
"Baker Street"
"Yes, Baker Street"
"Yes"
"Yes, what?"
"Sorry?"
"What station do I need for Baker Street?"
"Baker Street"
"Oh , forget it. I'll ask someone else!"
I have to deal with this sort of cuntitude on a daily basis you know.

Just Booked Tickets To See

22nd March just can't come soon enough! I don't remember being this excited about seeing a film before. Ever.

Either I'm gonna make a mess in my trousers or I'm gonna be bitterly disappointed.

Please, please be the first option!

Why Does He Mock Me?

Horses sleep standing up. It's a well known fact.
But, while on my train to and from work, I see a certain horse who is always laying down.
Why?
Why, when all the other horses I've ever seen are standing up, is he laying down?
Why is he doing this to me?

Currently Kicking Arse In

Walkies

Me and the missus went for a walk by the canal today. We stopped off at The Globe Inn and had lunch. All very pleasant indeed.

It's Coming.....

Nearly here, the day will show you mortals how insignificant you are!
"SPARTANS! TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!"

Just Watched

Well worth 2 hours of yer time.

Playing With Trains

As posted a couple of days ago, I went out for a "cab day" today. I was fully expecting to sit watching the instructor and ask questions all morning. But, no. After about 30 mins he said "Come on then." and got out of the driving seat.
"Eh?" I said.
"Come on." he said.
"Er, ok." I said.
And that was that, I drove for the rest of the 3 hour session, without having a single SPAD. All I can say is that it was awesome.
The instructor I was with was called Dave and, if I do pass my second assessment on 28th March, I couldn't hope for a better tutor than him.
I'd like to say a massive thanks to Dave for putting up with me all morning.
Also a gigantic thanks goes to Darryn, who arranged the cab day for me, and bought me a beer afterwards!

The Big (Mac) Question

I don't eat McDonalds that often. I don't particularly like it. In fact, I only eat it cos of its proximity to where I work.
However, I noticed something today.
Is it me, or are McDonalds slowly reducing the amount of meat they put in Big Macs and exchanging it with lettuce?

Just Read

I'm really getting into these books again. Using our good friend ebay, I'm picking them up one by one. A couple of people actually said to me (on the train) how much they loved it as kids too. Maybe I've started a revolution!

Frrrrrreeeeeeaaaaak!

And Back Again

I'm going back to work today. I've just had a fairly relaxing week off what with Spa days, footy matches, meals, pub outings and generally slobbing around on the couch.
I have to complete 2 whole shifts before I'm entitled to a couple of days off, bloody Underground work us like dogs!
On my first day off I've arranged (through Mr Miles) to spend the day in the cab of a Northern Line train. Should be fun, so long as I don't put the fucker on its roof!

Belated Happy Birthday

Forgot to blog happy birthday to my mum who was 57 yesterday. She aint got t'internet anyway.

Mmmmm, Lager

I like lager as much as the next man. But, what is the nicest tasting lager?
I am torn between Kronenbourg Premier Cold Draft and Carlsberg Extra Cold Draft. Both are mighty fine lagers indeed.

Odd Shopping Day

Me and the missus went blind shopping. We bought 3 cataracts and a detatched retina. No, seriously, we went shopping for a blind for the living room. We visited several "Blind Shops" although the employees seemed to have perfectly good vision to me. O.K, O.K, enough blind jokes. We didn't find a suitable blind (so we got one in jeans instead!). Sorry, that's the last one I promise.
On the way back we popped into Next as I need a new summer jacket. While trying a jacket on my attention was drawn to someone who was buying a new pair of jeans. Rather than go to the changing room, he tried them on there and then. Stripped down to his pants in a busy Next store! Unfortunately, I just wasn't quick enough with my phone and he got away.

Watched Yesterday

Very funny indeed.

How My Night Went Tits Up

#1; Moments after showing my love for my niece on the 'net, she said to me, and I quote;
"Shut up you mug!"
She's 4 years old, how can she know me so well?!

#2; My brother got a watery curry. Yes, I agree a Madras should have a thick sauce, but he didn't half go on about it!

#3; Arsenal Football Club. Nuff said.

My Niece

I love my niece. Her name is Emily. I love her very much!

Just Read

Me and our kid used to have all these books as kids. We loved 'em. I found this one while sorting through the bookcase. I might search ebay for the rest of them.

The Blues

Yesterday I was sooooo bored. I cannot put into words how bored I was. Oh wait, I just have.
Anyway, I was on the verge of walking out and going on a pub crawl when I got a phone call from MR D.K.Miles esq. He had a spare ticket (Thanks Mate!) to see Chelsea v Porto. Being a Gooner myself, I turned him down flat, until he said it was free.
Free? Live? Football? I'm on my way!
So, I washed the windows to placate (yes, I looked it up!) the missus and headed off to London.
I met Darryn when he got on the train at Watford and Alex when we got to Euston. We had a quick pint at Euston, then headed to "The Bridge".
After a delay on the District Line we got to Chelsea and picked up our tickets. We had 35 minutes before kick off and headed straight to the bar to squeeze a couple of pints in. Then, disaster struck.
They don't sell beer on Champions League nights.
Free? Live? Football? With no beer? Tragic, truly tragic.
Anyway, Chelsea won 2-1, we drank beer after the game, etc etc.

Just Watched

This is the funniest film I've ever seen, BAR- NONE! I'd seen a pirate copy last year but it didn't do it any justice. I thought my spine was gonna fall out I was laughing so much.

She's Off Her Rocker!

On our way home from the non-existant Deddington Castle we drove past some horses. As recomended by the Highway Code, I slowed down to a snails pace and gave them a mile of space.
This is the mad conversation that followed;
Me; "See how I didn't scare the horses love, I'm a good boy."
Her; "Horses scare me."
"Why?"
"I had a bad experience when I was younger."
"Go on."
"I don't really like talking about it."
"It's ok love, you can tell me."
"When I was about eight I went out with some friends. We climbed over a fence and I tore my trousers."
"Ok."
"There was a boy with us and he tried to run me over with his bike."
"Go on."
"That's it."
"What do you mean that's it? What's that got to do with horses?"
"There was a horse in the field."
"So, because there was a horse in a field where you tore your trousers and got chased, that's why you're scared of horses?"
"Yeah."
I've got to live with this woman.

By The Way.....

Details of our spa day can be found here.

Tom Tom Cunt!

We had a fantastic day at the spa yesterday.
Sauna, massage, food, steamrooms, ice showers.
It was the perfect way to relax.
In fact, we were so relaxed that rather than come straight home we asked our Tom Tom for a local tourist attraction. Tom Tom said that Deddington Castle was very close by, only 15 miles or so. So off we went on a quick visit to sleepy Deddington.
When we finally arrived we couldn't find a castle anywhere. Nowhere.
After driving around some more we finally found an English Heritage sign which read "Deddington Castle (Site Only)"
Site Only? This means that said castle is no longer there and probably hasn't been for hundreds of years.
This is why my Tom Tom is a total cunt.

Spa Day........?

.....I thought she said "Bar" day!
I'm taking the missus on a spa day tomorrow.
We've had a pretty rough last 12 months so I thought I'd take her to be pampered for a whole 24 hours.
The day includes;

Full use of the gym
Full use of the spa facilities
A three course dinner
A bed for the night
Breakfast
Full use of the gym and spa before departing

All for £160. That's for both of us, not each.
If it's any good I'll post the details here.

Done It!

Finally completed "Silvershere".
Only took me a week!

Amusing Graffiti

On the way home from the station today I noticed some graffiti written outside the local school;
"lean to read"
It made me laugh anyway.

Bastard Game!!!!!

Silversphere Get the Silver Sphere in to the Blue Vortex.

Play this free game now!!

THIS GAME IS RUINING MY LIFE!

I CAN'T GET PAST LEVEL 23!

CUNTS!

The Game What I Played

Treble 20, what a beauty!


3 in a bed, nice!

Met Adam & Andy for a couple of drinks last night. Aint seen these 2 fellas for donkey's and a damn fine evening was had.
We had a few games of darts, of which these were my finest shots. Actually, I think these were my only shots that hit the "20" bed whatsoever!
We also played several games of pool, of which I won an entire game.
Then the evening took a sour turn.
I got picked up from the station by the missus. She parked by the roadside opposite the station. As I got into the car I was attacked by a vicious, savage thorn bush. Luckily I was quick to react and bravely fought off my attacker. Luckily, I escaped with nothing more than a slight pull of my expensive London Underground issue acrylic trousers.
I'm slightly upset by the whole incident and was constantly looking over my shoulder all the way to the station thes morning.