Thames Valley Police Most Wanted

You can see the look of a killer in her eyes!

My Cat The Murderer Part 2

All good horror films have a sequel and Peanut-Face is no exception.
I returned home at around 10;45pm and found a dead mouse on my doorstep (glad it was outside and not inside!)
I'm not sure where she got it from, I don't really care to be honest. I just want her to stop murdering cute little birdies and mice and leaving them all over the place!

Bad Night

I had a really shit night at work tonight.
It seems that every customer I served was deaf, ignorant or a complete spastic.
If people ask questions they should have the decency to listen to my answer. I should NOT have to repeat myself 3 times!
Students; if you only put £3 on your oyster card then it aint gonna last very long! I'm sick of you coming to my window saying "My oyster's not working, I topped up this morning." It's not working because you are all ignorant pricks to think that £3 will last all day!
Spastics covers the above 2 as well as the morons who wouldn't even be able to shit themselves without being shown how to do it.
Three times!
Tomorrow had better be an improvement, or else.

She's Mad (As Well), I Tell Ya!

This one's about my sister-in-law Emma (the same one who asked what was the spelling of C.D).
We were in Harvesters for lunch on Sunday. We order some drinks at the bar......
"I'll have a J Lo please."
Barman looks confused and says;
"A J Lo?"
"You know, the orange and passion fruit one."
Barman looks further confused and says;
"Do you mean a J-2-O?"
The look on her face was priceless.

Recently Viewed

I really enjoyed this film, despite what Gaz and Chelle thought of it.
It's based on Robert Graysmith's book of the same name and his attempt to identify the "Zodiac Killer". At two and a half hours, it's a long cinema sit in, but how else do you fit in all the relevant info?
I'm about to order the book and will gladly buy the DVD so I can watch it again in more comfort.

Getting Beaten Up In

Waiting For....

.......this game and this game to be released. The first in September, the second in October.

Quality Film Quote #11

Han Solo: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

Thank Fuck For That

I have a large mole on my chest. It's always been there, forever.
But, in the last few months it's been really itchy, mis-coloured and has actually bled occasionally. Quite disturbing I'm sure you will agree.
So, today I went to the doctors, and, despite having a 4:30 appointment I finally got seen at, as near as makes no difference to, 5:00.
The doctor said she could see nothing abnormal about it (hence the title of this entry!). But she did say that as it's an irritant it should be removed.
As I said, I've always had this mole, I'm not sure I want it removed. It's part of me isn't it?

Typical Workplace Conversation

An irate italian customer approaches my excess fares window having already travelled;
"I want go out"
I check his Oyster card.
"You only have a zones 2&3 travelcard, you need £1.50 pre-pay to exit as this is zone 1."
"I pay later."
"No, sorry, You're supposed to pay before you travel. Not when you arrive at your destination or later that day."
"I always pay later. Eeet's faackeeng shieeet!"
"Yes sir, £1.50 please."
"I pay later, I go out!"
"No, it's called pre-pay, not post-pay, you'll need to pay now."
"Eeet's faackeeng shieet! I complain!"
Customer throws £1.50 into my cash tray and I top his card up.
"Here's your oyster card, touch out as normal. Here's customer service's details, you can complain about how you didn't have a valid ticket and that I made you pay."
"FAACKEENG BAASTAARDS!"

She's Mad, I Tell Ya!

The missus was having a go at me for a few items that I'd not washed or put in the dishwasher. I explained that I'd finished eating and rushed to the station to pick her up. It was the type of comical discussion of which I normally win.
Instead of being magnanimous (yes, I checked the spelling!) in defeat, she said;
"Shut up you piece of idiot!"
I guess that as long as I'm not a complete idiot, well then, that's something.

Interesting Fact

Currys don't sell curries, but Selfridges do sell fridges.

Quality Film Quote #9 & #10

Dr Rumack; Captain, how soon can you land?

Captain Oveur; I can't tell.

Dr Rumack; You can tell me. I'm a doctor.

Captain Oveur; No. I mean I'm just not sure.

Dr Rumack; Well, can't you take a guess?

Captain Oveur; Well, not for another two hours.

Dr Rumack; You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Dr Rumack; Mr. Striker, the passengers are getting worse. You must land soon.

Ted Striker; Surely there must be something you can do.

Dr Rumack; I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley.

Recently Completed

2 weeks at a maximum of an hour night, sometimes not playing at all, I don't think that's too bad.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Between a supervisor and myself over the radio.
"Are you burning toast?"
"Toast?"
"Toast."
"Toast?"
"Toast."
"Toast?"
"Yes James, toast, bread that you burn!"
"No."
If you stare at the word toast long enough does it look like the wrong spelling? It did to me anyway.

She's Mad, I Tell Ya!

This one happened in Tesco's while buying a birthday cake for my brother.
"We need to buy candles for your brothers cake."
"Why?"
"Cos it's not a cake if it aint got candles on."
"Eh?"
"If it aint got candles on, then it's not a cake!"
"Of course it's still a cake, it's just a cake that aint got any fucking candles on it!"
"EXACTLY!!"
"?!"

Interesting Fact

Despite its name, a Wood Pigeon doesn't actually contain any wood.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my big brother Paul who is 33 today. I love ya man!

I stayed up till midnight to post this and I've gotta be up at 6am so he'd better leave a thank you comment!

She's Mad, I Tell Ya!

Welcome to my new series.
"She's mad, I tell ya!" is a brand new section where I will tell you about the maddest things my missus says or does and, believe me, there are plenty.
We kick off with something she said tonight, which inspired these new entries.
We were watching the film Deja Vu which stars Jim Caviezel. I mentioned to her that I'd heard he didn't to work sundays cos he's a devout catholic, to which she replied;
"Oh well, whatever ticks his boat I suppose."

Preference

It's the FA Cup Final between Mank U and Chelshit today.
I hate both of these teams with a vengeance, so who would I prefer to win?
It's a difficult choice.
I went for Utd to win the league just to wipe the smug smile off of Fat Lampards face and wouldn't mind seeing it again. I'd also like nothing more than to see that money grabbing cunt Cashley Cole ending the season trophy-less. He didn't get on the field during the Carling Cup and so can't really say he "won it".
But, do I want those tossers from the north to win? Not in this life!
The thought of that little winker/wanker (you decide which is better) wRongaldo with his cheesy grin is also too much to bear.
So, in summary; If Utd are winning I'll cheer on Chelsea and if Chelsea are winning I'll cheer on Utd.
And, if it goes to penalties, I'll turn me Liza Minelli off.