Snap, Crackle And Pop

That's the noise my body is making today after sleeping on the sofa bed in the spare room last night.
I don't know why I had to sleep there, well, I do actually, but I don't know what the reason was for the reason that I was forced to sleep there.
I've confused myself now.
Last night, I came in through the back door so as not to wake Matty up. As I passed the spare room, I noticed the bed was made up in the spare room. A quick peak around the door frame revealed that the bed was empty.
There was talk of the missus' parents coming up today, so I assumed she was just being pro-active.
But no.
Passing through the living room I noticed a handbag identical my sister-in-laws (I only know this because I was there when the missus bought it for her, I'm not some kind of handbag sex addict). Again, I started to assume. Has the missus bought the same bag?
I then arrived into the passage way to the bedroom and noticed a pair of hair straightners that were not property of the missus. In fact, they also look tike my sister-in-laws (I only know this because I've seen her use them on countless occasions, I do not have a sexual fetish for hair straightners).
Finally, I go into the bedroom and notice that my space is being slept in by my sister-in-law. At this point I'm starting to understand how the three bears must've felt.
The missus awakes, so I ask her what's going on.
"Nothing."
I get my sleeping gear and go to get changed. I returned to our room to put my pants in the wash bin and ask the missus "what's going on" again.
"Nothing."
So that was that then. Nothing was going on.
And, as a result of nothing going on, I had to sleep on the sofa bed in the spare room.
And now I ache from my arse to my skull, for nothing.