The Final Countdown

We're into our final week as a one child family. Baby Daisy will be with us sooner than seems possible.

Next Thursday, 11/11/2010, at 11:00am the missus will have labour induced. Whether or not Daisy will make an appearance that day is another matter!

It's not been an easy pregnancy for the old girl either. She's had to go on a diet due to Gestational Diabetes. If that wasn't enough, she developed a pregnancy related rash on her face and neck. Add into the mix my stupidity, general ignorance and D.I.Y related rages and you can see the amount of shit she's had to deal with.

It seems like only yesterday that I posted this and now we're in the final countdown.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock........?

Oi! Fuckwit! Try This!

If you look down by your left hip, you'll see a small red button. Press the red button and your seatbelt will dis-engage. Remove your seatbelt.
Now, look to your right. Somewhere on the door is a small lever, pull it. The door moved a little didn't it? Yes, now push the door and it will fully open.
If you look down, you'll see two long bendy things. These are called legs. Swing your legs to your right and out of the door you just opened. Push yourself forward and upwards so that your weight is fully on your legs.
Now, here comes the tricky part.
Swing your left leg forwards.
And now your right leg forwards.
Now your left.
And again with the right.
This is called walking. Continue to walk until you reach the door of the person you are trying to collect.
Make your hand into a fist and knock firmly on the door and await a reply.

With practice, you'll be able to carry out this proceedure in less than a minute.

Im sure you'll agree, this is substantially less time than the 6-7 minutes you spent repeatedly beeping your fucking horn!

Planning To Play Tonight

Saying Goodbye To Peanut-Face

We're taking our beloved cat Peanut-Face to be re-homed today.
Unfortunately, I've developed an allergy to cats, despite having them all my life. The constant allergy attacks and blowing my nose has made me develop bleeding nasal polyps. I've had to have several painful cauterization sessions in an attempt to cure them.
She's a really good cat and we'll all miss her terribly. I hope she finds a good family who will show her as much love and get as much pleasure out of her as we have.
See ya Peanie XXX.

The 33

There's a collapsed mine in Chile big enough to fit 33 people. I suggest these fuckers are sent down and sealed in.

1; Alan Carr
2; Katie Jordan Price Jordan
3; Alex Reid
4; Kerry Katona
5; Ashley Cole
6; Cheryl Cole
7; Boris Johnson
8; David Cameron
9: The 'Go Compare' Singer
10; Neil Hamilton
11; Christine Hamilton
12; Gary Glitter
13; Tara Palmer Tomkinson
14; Piers Morgan
15; Hugh Grant
16; Lindsay Lohan
17; Jeremy Kyle
18; Lady Ga Ga
19; Bono
20; Paris Hilton
21; Robbie Williams
22; Heather Mills
23; Davina McCall
24; Robert Mugabe
25; Barry Scott (Bang & the cunt is gone)
26; Kim Jong Il
27; Fabio Capello
28; George W Bush
29; Michael Winner
30; Gordon Brown
31; Madonna
32; David Gest
33; George Michael

I was so surprised how easy this list was to make, I even made a standby list incase any of the cunts above die.

34; Steve McClaren
35; Julia Roberts
36; Mark Lawrenson
37; Pete Doherty
38; Adrian Chiles
39; Britney Spears
40; The Go Compare Advert Creator

Feel free to add your own, I'm not too fussed how cramped it gets down there!

Tonight's Dinner

All Hail, The Return Of;

Just Pre-Ordered

Eagerly Awaiting

Based on The Walking Dead graphic novels.

That'll Teach You!

Now look here you stupid fucking coat! I don't care how much I paid for you!
When I come home from work, tired and irritated by countless northerners who think they know better than me, I just want to hang you up and sit down.
Yes, I know there's a perfectly good coat rack in the hallway but, A; I'm too lazy to go there and B; It annoys the missus when I hang you elsewhere.
So, all things considered, when I hang you on the back of a dining chair I expect you to fucking stay there! When you fall limply to the side and on to the floor, I take it as an insult.
Not content with insulting me once, you wait for me to bend down, pick you up and re-hang you on the chair, only to fall off again.
Well, that's it, bollocks to you!
You can lay in the corner of the room, where I kicked you.
All night.
Bastard.

Too Bad, So Sad, Bye Bye!

Big Brother has ended....... forever!
I cant tell you how happy this makes me! I doubt I've watched more than half an hour of this show since it started. It's shit. And full of fucktards. And watched by cunts.
But, I'm a reasonable man and, as such, I'd like to suggest a few other programmes for stupid people to watch.
I Used To Be A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here (and away from Ant or Dec from Ant and Dec.)
Strictly Cum Dancing.
Stricly Cum Dancing On Ice.
The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent (after the auditions of course! Some of those fuckwits really think they have talent!)
So there you go. If you're a cunt and you enjoy watching cunty programmes, go right ahead.

Stupid Farm Rules!

Heh, heh, just you try and stop me!

Typical Workplace Conversation

No, I will not be taking your ranky stinky money!

"Hello, can I buy an Oyster card please?"
"Sure, that'll be £3 deposit for the card, plus the amount you want to add on."
"Can I put a tenner on?"
"Yep, that'll be £13 then please."
The customer takes a step back, lifts up his right leg, takes off his shoe, stretches his sock to one side and pulls out a £20 note. He slides it into the cash tray.
"Are you serious? I'm not taking that mate."
"What?"
"That money's just come out of your sock, I'm not accepting it."
"Why? It's still money."
"Yeah, but, it's come out of your ranky stinky sock, it's un-hygenic. I'm not taking it. You need to pay with an alternative method."
"It's legal tender, you have to accept it!"
"I'll accept it on one condition."
"What?"
"I'll put your legal tender change into my pants and you come and collect it in 2 hours."
The bloke mutters something to himself, then borrows £20 from his girlfriend and pays.
"You're not allowed to refuse money, I'm going to report you."
"I've got a customer service card in my sock if you want it."
Again, he mutters something to himself, then walks away.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

I get in from work and the Missus is ironing in the kitchen.

"Fuckin 'ell love, it's roasting in here. Why don't you iron in the living room?"
"I've nearly finished now. I had the window open earlier, but I closed it 'cos it was too see-through."
"Erm, yes. That can be a problem with windows can't it?!"

Typical Workplace Conversation

When is a bike not a bike?
When you take the wheels off according to this fella.

"Can you open the gate so I can get my bike through?"
"No, sorry mate. Bikes aren't allowed on the system between 4:00pm and 7:00pm."
"Why not?" (GRRRRRRR!!)
"Because it's peak period mate. Trains and platforms are crowded, your bike would cause an obstruction."
"Oh it's alright, I'll wait for a quiet train."
"It's 5:30pm mate, there are no quiet trains. That's why we don't allow bikes in during peak periods."
"What if I take the wheels off?"
"Then you'll still have a bike, only it won't have any wheels on. It'll be less manouverable and you'll have more to carry, causing much more of an obstruction."
"You're just being fucking awkward! How the fuck am I supposed to get to Liverpool Street then?!"
"Do you seriously want me to answer that?"

My New BBQ

It's pretty big!

Sent from my iPhone

The Lying Bastard!

On one of my first ever driving lessons, I hit the brakes to try and avoid running over some pigeons.
Needless to say, pigeons do not require the emergency stop procedure and my driving instructor told me so.
"You will never, ever be able to run over a pigeon." He said. "They're too quick." He added.

Well, tonight, I proved him wrong!

I went to pick up some stuff from my mum's flat in preparation for her move. After turning around, I was driving through the high street when I noticed a pigeon in my path.

Remembering my instructors advice, I drove straight on.

Unfortunately, no-one informed the pigeon of the "You'll never, ever be able to run over a pigeon" line.

There was a sickening, crunchy, squelchy, popping sound from the front left of the car.
And what can only be described as a "splodge" in the road when seen from my rear view mirror.

I'm all for learning something new every day, but this.........

More Shit Music

Train: Hey, Soul Sister.

"Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my
Left-side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you
Blow my mind....."

WHAT??
Your left side brains?
You've got multiple brains?
And they're separated into 'left' and 'right' sections?

You're a fucking idiot.

For The Man Who Has Everything!

My Daughter!