On one of my first ever driving lessons, I hit the brakes to try and avoid running over some pigeons.
Needless to say, pigeons do not require the emergency stop procedure and my driving instructor told me so.
"You will never, ever be able to run over a pigeon." He said. "They're too quick." He added.
Well, tonight, I proved him wrong!
I went to pick up some stuff from my mum's flat in preparation for her move. After turning around, I was driving through the high street when I noticed a pigeon in my path.
Remembering my instructors advice, I drove straight on.
Unfortunately, no-one informed the pigeon of the "You'll never, ever be able to run over a pigeon" line.
There was a sickening, crunchy, squelchy, popping sound from the front left of the car.
And what can only be described as a "splodge" in the road when seen from my rear view mirror.
I'm all for learning something new every day, but this.........
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Sunday, 18 July 2010
More Shit Music
Train: Hey, Soul Sister.
"Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my
Left-side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you
Blow my mind....."
WHAT??
Your left side brains?
You've got multiple brains?
And they're separated into 'left' and 'right' sections?
You're a fucking idiot.
"Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my
Left-side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you
Blow my mind....."
WHAT??
Your left side brains?
You've got multiple brains?
And they're separated into 'left' and 'right' sections?
You're a fucking idiot.
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Friday, 2 July 2010
Monday, 28 June 2010
Big Mistake
O.K. It's hot at the moment.
I'm laying in bed watching the football with the fan on full blast at the base of the bed.
The missus is on a night shift, so with no fear of being shouted at, I let out a rip roaring fart of epic proportions.
I mentioned that the fan was on at the base of the bed right?
Well, I just got a face full of my own foul smelling arse.
Nice. No wonder the missus shouts at me!
I'm laying in bed watching the football with the fan on full blast at the base of the bed.
The missus is on a night shift, so with no fear of being shouted at, I let out a rip roaring fart of epic proportions.
I mentioned that the fan was on at the base of the bed right?
Well, I just got a face full of my own foul smelling arse.
Nice. No wonder the missus shouts at me!
England
Well, that was an anti-climax wasn't it?!
Actually, that's not exactly true is it?
England were piss poor from the off, at no point did I think we had any chance against the Germans yesterday let alone winning the whole thing.
So who or what can we blame this time?
Fabio Capello?
The playing squad?
The football? (hard to play the long ball game with a ball that won't go in a straight line!)
Vuvuzela?
The altitude?
They may very well have all played their part, but none of them are the main reason for England's failings. And not just for this tournament. No, this has been going on for years.
For me, the blame lies firmly with the F.A.
For years club managers and players have been complaining about the amount of fixtures and the lack of a winter break. These complaints have not only fallen on deaf ears, the F.A have actually suggested playing an extra game every year abroad.
A top premier league side will play a fair amount more games than their European counterparts. Then you have to factor in international matches, European competitions and 5 hours training every day. I don't care who you are or how much you earn, you're gonna be fatigued at the end of the season.
The England players looked completely drained of both energy and ideas throughout their all too brief South African adventure.
Then there's the manager. I don't think Capello should have ever been made England manager. Another mistake by the F.A. In fact, the last few England managers have all been poor choices. What we've needed for ages is someone who isn't scared to drop the 'un-droppables'. Far too many of England's starting line-up were only there because of their name. Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard, Terry, Barry, Johnson, none of them have performed well in an England shirt in ages. Then there's the rest of the squad; Heskey, Carragher, Wright-Phillips, Green, to name a few. Just not good enough.
Capello may be a good disciplinary coach, but his poor grasp of English (Matty speaks better English than him!) and his insistance on playing Gerrard, Lampard and Barry together just goes to show he's not right for England.
Now there's the issue of Capello's contract. Why was it renewed/improved before the World Cup? Now he's earning £6 million a year, the highest amount any national coach is being paid. If the F.A do want to get rid of him, he'll get one hell of a golden handshake. Surely it would have been wiser to negotiate after the tournament, they could've negotiated downwards!
I genuinely have no idea where the England team will go from here. The so called 'Golden Generation' are well past their prime. More worrying is that the next generation are struggling to prove themselves too. I'm afraid that things are certain to get worse before they get better.
Actually, that's not exactly true is it?
England were piss poor from the off, at no point did I think we had any chance against the Germans yesterday let alone winning the whole thing.
So who or what can we blame this time?
Fabio Capello?
The playing squad?
The football? (hard to play the long ball game with a ball that won't go in a straight line!)
Vuvuzela?
The altitude?
They may very well have all played their part, but none of them are the main reason for England's failings. And not just for this tournament. No, this has been going on for years.
For me, the blame lies firmly with the F.A.
For years club managers and players have been complaining about the amount of fixtures and the lack of a winter break. These complaints have not only fallen on deaf ears, the F.A have actually suggested playing an extra game every year abroad.
A top premier league side will play a fair amount more games than their European counterparts. Then you have to factor in international matches, European competitions and 5 hours training every day. I don't care who you are or how much you earn, you're gonna be fatigued at the end of the season.
The England players looked completely drained of both energy and ideas throughout their all too brief South African adventure.
Then there's the manager. I don't think Capello should have ever been made England manager. Another mistake by the F.A. In fact, the last few England managers have all been poor choices. What we've needed for ages is someone who isn't scared to drop the 'un-droppables'. Far too many of England's starting line-up were only there because of their name. Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard, Terry, Barry, Johnson, none of them have performed well in an England shirt in ages. Then there's the rest of the squad; Heskey, Carragher, Wright-Phillips, Green, to name a few. Just not good enough.
Capello may be a good disciplinary coach, but his poor grasp of English (Matty speaks better English than him!) and his insistance on playing Gerrard, Lampard and Barry together just goes to show he's not right for England.
Now there's the issue of Capello's contract. Why was it renewed/improved before the World Cup? Now he's earning £6 million a year, the highest amount any national coach is being paid. If the F.A do want to get rid of him, he'll get one hell of a golden handshake. Surely it would have been wiser to negotiate after the tournament, they could've negotiated downwards!
I genuinely have no idea where the England team will go from here. The so called 'Golden Generation' are well past their prime. More worrying is that the next generation are struggling to prove themselves too. I'm afraid that things are certain to get worse before they get better.
Friday, 25 June 2010
Monday, 14 June 2010
Recently Completed, Currently Playing
Ahh man, I found the last battle proper hard!
Might just pop a cap in yo ass in this one!
Sunday, 13 June 2010
Attention!
Despite what you may think, this is not the English flag!
This is the English flag!
It is instantly recognisable and therefore does not require four (surely there should only be three?) lions or the word 'England' emblazoned across it!
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Big Brother Is Back
It's the final series and my feelings are as strong as ever.
If you watch it, then you're a fucking idiot.
Monday, 31 May 2010
The End Is In Sight
I'm coming to the end of a run of late shifts.
They've been very testing this week and I've nearly lost my rag with dozens of customers. Thankfully, I've managed to bite my tongue and not react to their stupid actions, questions or comments.
I don't think working right through my weekend off last week has helped. Still, at least the fence is up now. Just need to put a gate on it.
They've been very testing this week and I've nearly lost my rag with dozens of customers. Thankfully, I've managed to bite my tongue and not react to their stupid actions, questions or comments.
I don't think working right through my weekend off last week has helped. Still, at least the fence is up now. Just need to put a gate on it.
Seperated At Birth?
Liev Schreiber; famous for being a Hollywood film star.
Warren Joffre Williams; famous for, erm................. wearing Speedos?Friday, 21 May 2010
Monday, 17 May 2010
Finally, An Update!
Thought I'd better get my arse into gear and give you'se lot an update.
I've just returned to work after 2 weeks of annual leave.
We went to CenterParcs for the first week. Matty is a bit too young to enjoy it fully. Still, he managed to occupy himself by chasing ducks
with his arms wide open and shouting "Oi, duck, cuddle!" He did enjoy the swimming pool area, although getting him dressed afterwards was a fucking nightmare! The weather held up okay, all be it a little chilly in the evenings. I managed to use my bike on most days, which I really enjoyed. I'd wait for Matty to have his afternoon nap, then go for a ride, usually stopping for a pint at some point.
The second week of leave involved back breaking labour. I had to rip
out a huge flower bed. And I mean huge. 10 metres long, 2 metres wide and 1 metre deep. That's a lot of earth and soil to move! Not to mention the wooden frame, plant life and roots that had to be torn out. After the first day I was in agony, I'd obviously tweeked a nerve in my right arm. But, like the brave warrior I am, I continued to dig, rake, pull, push, lever and carry for 4 days and it's mostly done now.
The next stage will be putting up a fence, followed by some decking. I might put some pictures up here if I can be arsed.
I understand that congratulations are due to the England cricket team for winning the World Cup 20/20. I fucking hate cricket, so bollocks to that.
I understand that congratulations are due to Chelsea for winning the double. I fucking hate Chelsea, so bollocks to that.
I understand that congratulations are due to the Tories who, thanks to a hell of a lot of stupid people, won the General Election. I fucking hate the Tories so bollocks to that.
That'll do for now, see ya!
I've just returned to work after 2 weeks of annual leave.
We went to CenterParcs for the first week. Matty is a bit too young to enjoy it fully. Still, he managed to occupy himself by chasing ducks
with his arms wide open and shouting "Oi, duck, cuddle!" He did enjoy the swimming pool area, although getting him dressed afterwards was a fucking nightmare! The weather held up okay, all be it a little chilly in the evenings. I managed to use my bike on most days, which I really enjoyed. I'd wait for Matty to have his afternoon nap, then go for a ride, usually stopping for a pint at some point.
The second week of leave involved back breaking labour. I had to rip
out a huge flower bed. And I mean huge. 10 metres long, 2 metres wide and 1 metre deep. That's a lot of earth and soil to move! Not to mention the wooden frame, plant life and roots that had to be torn out. After the first day I was in agony, I'd obviously tweeked a nerve in my right arm. But, like the brave warrior I am, I continued to dig, rake, pull, push, lever and carry for 4 days and it's mostly done now.
The next stage will be putting up a fence, followed by some decking. I might put some pictures up here if I can be arsed.
I understand that congratulations are due to the England cricket team for winning the World Cup 20/20. I fucking hate cricket, so bollocks to that.
I understand that congratulations are due to Chelsea for winning the double. I fucking hate Chelsea, so bollocks to that.
I understand that congratulations are due to the Tories who, thanks to a hell of a lot of stupid people, won the General Election. I fucking hate the Tories so bollocks to that.
That'll do for now, see ya!
Sunday, 16 May 2010
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Saturday, 1 May 2010
Friday, 30 April 2010
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
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