Mad Dream

I just woke up after the maddest dream I've ever had.
Four England footy players were accused of being gay by a doctor.
He lined them up and started with Frank Lampard who started to cry and said "It's a phase, it will pass."
Nothing was said to Steven Gerrard, although he looked pretty guilty.
Nothing was said to John Terry either, but he said "We'll support Fatty on this."
Then he turned to Cashley Cole (surprised he's in the line up?) but the Cash man denied it.
No change there then.
What does this dream say about me?
Either I'm a gay footy lover or I shouldn't eat 2 chicken kievs before I go to bed.
I'll lay off the kievs!

I Know She's Out Now, But.....

No, Wait.....

...hang on a second.....bear with me.....one minute.....

Porno Pussy Cats

Looks painful, he must've slipped her up the wrong'un.

Quality Film Quote #16

Shaun: (To his girlfriend) It's not that I don't wanna spend time with you, 'cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.
Ed: Can I get.....any of you cunts.....a drink?

Music To See Before I Die

Foo Fighters live - done.
Oasis live - done.
Madness live - done.
U2 live - done.
Jamiroquai live - done.
Live 8 concert - done.
Chili Peppers live - on the list.
The Who live - done.
The Who live, without Darryn screaming;
"SING SUBSTITUTE YOU FUCKING WANKERS!",
non-stop in my right ear - unlikely.

Proof

This photo conclusively prooves that I went to see The Who last night.
Sort of.

Going To See Tonight

This is one concert that I am determined to remember! Especially after the Paul Weller gig!

She's Mad, I Tell Ya!

We were driving back from visiting my brother yesterday and the missus was on the phone to her sister, explaining how mad things are at the moment. The words she chose to put it into perspective were;
"My life's like an upside down cheesecake at the moment."
My life would be so empty without her!

Get Well Soon Bro

My brother was rushed into hospital today with chest pains.
He seems better than he was but he is still in some pain. They are keeping him in overnight for observations.
Paul, if you read this from your hospital bed, I love you man, get well soon.

She's Mad, I Tell Ya!

Before I left for work today the missus said to text when I finished and she'd pick me up from the station.
I sent her a text telling her I'm on the 10:39 out of Euston. I also said I'd text her when the train got to Cheddington so she'd have time to get to Leighton Buzzard when my train arrived, which I did.
So my train arrives at Leighton at around 11:30 but there's no sign of her.
And so I wait.
And wait.
And wait some more.
And then I wait a little longer.
It's now 11:40 and my mobile battery is dead. I decided to walk home, taking the route she would have to drive, just in case.
I arrived home at about 11:50 to find her kipping on the sofa.
What a fucking liberty!

Currently Reading

If you've seen the films, you still know nothing.
This book is outstanding.

Quality Film Quote #14 & 15

Patches O'Houlihan;

(14) "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!"

(15) "It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!"

Left

Thierry Henry is leaving Arsenal for £16 million.
Didn't Barcelona offer £30 million for him last year?
That's some fucking depreciation!

Wet Bits.

We recently had some work done on the plumbing and as a result the water pressure has increased significantly.
Of course, I keep forgetting this. So I turn the taps on full whack and end up with a damp groin area.
Nice.

Porno Foxes

She's one foxy mamma!
I've always liked red-heads (and backs and legs and tails and ears)!

Ants In Me Pants

Well, they're in the garden actually.
Loads of 'em.
I destroyed 7 nests today.

Interesting Fact

Dogs can't look up (by moving their heads) while standing. They look upwards with their eyes only.

The Power Of My Arse

This afternoon I had an Italian meal for lunch, this evening I had cauliflower, broccoli and garlic cheese. Therefore, tonight, my arse wind is very aromatic.
More aromatic than first thought apparently.
You see, I was slummung it in the living room while the missus was reading a book in bed.
I poked my head around the door to see if she was o.k or wanted anything, but before I could ask, she said "You been cooking eggs? This house stinks of eggs!"
Never underestimate the power of my batty-hole!

My Cat The, Erm, Pilot?

It appears that my missus is giving our beloved cat Peanut-Face some flying lessons.
While making the bed in the spare room, she picked up the neatly folded quilt and threw it across the room so she could put the base sheet over the mattress.
Seconds later a (slightly stunned) cat emerged from the now messy pile of quilt in the corner, looked up at her and ran out.
Unfortunately I didn't witness this incident, in fact my attention was only drawn by the missus shouting;
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you alright?"
Peanut-face didn't comment.
I can only imagine what she would have said.

Quality Film Quote #13

Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.

Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?

Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.

[guard starts dipping mechanism]

Dr. Evil: Close the tank!

Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!

Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?

Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!

Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.

Scott Evil: It's no hassle...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: But...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: I'm...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: All I'm say...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: There gonna get a...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: I'm...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: I'm just...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: Would...

Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.

Scott Evil: Who's there?

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: But...

Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.

My Cat The Murderer Part 3

It seems that Peanut-Face is the new "Zodiac".
She now has 3 kills to her name that I know of, fuck knows how many other corpses are scattered around Leighton Buzzard!

Shit TV

Why do I have to see and read about Big Brother in the news?
I really, really hate this programme, my viewing time of this show would total less than 20 minutes since it first began.
Apparently trouble has flared up again and, in all honesty, I couldn't give a fuck. If you're gonna get a group of complete spanners in the same house for weeks, then you've gotta expect grief.
Furthermore, what would make anyone sit in their house watching people sitting in a house? If you watch this show then you really need help.
Mind you, if you read this blog then you're equally warped!

Porno Pandas

D'ya reckon he's doing her up the batty? No wonder pandas are going extinct!
Still, any hole's a goal!

Major Surgery

Before;

After;

I bet you'll never eat raisins again!

Quality Football Quote

John Terry talking to Sky Sports about David Beckham;
"His balls are fantastic."

Quality Film Quote #12

Dr Ray Stantz: You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven't had a successful test of this equipment.

Dr Egon Spengler: I blame myself.

Dr Peter Venkman: So do I.

Dr Ray Stantz: Well, no sense in worrying about it now.

Dr Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Fucking students! They do it to me on purpose!
"Can I have a weekly zone 1&2 travelcard please?"
"No probs, £16.20 please."
"No."
"Sorry?"
"No."
"No what?"
"No, that's too much. I'm a student (no shit!), I only want zones 1&2."
"Yeah, and that's £16.20."
"No."
"What you saying no for now?"
"I don't normally pay that much."
"How much do you normally pay?"
"I don't know."
"So, if you don't know, what are you protesting about?"
"I don't want to pay that much." He's getting on my tits!
"Now look. This aint a market stall in Egypt, it aint negotiable, the price is fixed and it has been since the start of January."
These students are the future of this great nation.

Really? That's Surprising!

Claudio Ranieri has turned down the opportunity of managing Manchester City in favour of Juventus.
To put it into perspective, would you rather drive a Citroen 2cv or a Ferrari Enzo?
Thought so.

WTF?

This is the Logo for the London Olympics 2012.
London has more history, landmarks and culture than any other capital in the world and this is the best they could come up with?
What a load of bollocks!

Calling Tim Henman A Poof In

Porno Pigs

Piss

I had a very smelly piss just now.
Thank you.

Currently Reading

Recently Read

Operation

As posted previously, I have a large mole on my chest that needs removing. I now have a date for the minor surgery which is Thursday 7th June.
I would urge anyone who has type A+ blood to donate as much as possible to Leighton Road Surgery.
Thank you.