Just Found

Just found this picture on my mobile. It's from our holiday to Portugal.
While we were waiting for the coach back to the airport we played Scrabble.
This was Gaz's best effort.
The guy's a genius.

10 Days

Till I'm thirty.
Boooo!

Typical Workplace Conversation

I nearly fell off my chair laughing when I heard a colleagues conversation with a customer.
"Can I have a single to Paddington please?"
"Yes sir, £4 please."
"How do I get there?"
"Platform one, take a circle line."
"How many stops is it?"
"Four."
"How will I know when I get there?"
"The train's got windows mate, if you look out of them you'll see name of the station printed on the wall."

What A Glorious Day!

Gonna finish fourth are you? Don't think so.

Down with the Derby

You're going down with the Derby

Down with the Daaaaarrrrrrbeeeee

You're going down with the Derby

Repeat until the nearsest Spurts fan admits that they shit.

Interesting Fact

Birds have to shave twice a day to keep their beaks looking smooth.

Recently Read

A damned good read and based on true events too.
I can also recommend "Pompeii" by the same author.

Well, Do You?

Here We Go Again

Seven late shifts start today.
Fuck.

Just Viewed & Qualilty Film Quote 19

This is a damn funny film. I didn't want to see it at first, I assumed it would be a "chick flick". How wrong I was. We laughed pretty much non-stop.

QFQ 19;
Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Fuck off!
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: What?

Praise Be

Following my last post, it appears that I'm not the only one who knows how to empty the dishwasher. Lo and behold, someone else has done it.
Must be the "Dishwasher Monkey".

For Fucks Sake

Does any other fucker know how to empty a dishwasher? It's always me, well, I'm not gonna do it this time.

Quality Film Quote 18

Harry Monroe: Yes, I'm a short son of a bitch, my daddy was a short son of a bitch, my mother was shorter than him, and my brother, my brother was so short we couldn't even see him.

Recently Viewed

Not bad, better than I expected.


Very good, just waiting for for "Letters From Iwo Jima" to arrive.

Recently Viewed

Pile of shit.

My Missus, The Piss Head

My missus is currently shit-faced. She's gone through a whole bottle of wine. She really can't take her drink. She's phoning everyone and talking shit.
Let's just hope your phone don't ring.
Brrriiiinnng, Brrriiiinnng.
Oh fuck!

Waiting To See

View the trailer.

Success!

I had a comment posted on Holy Holy's world famous "Cunts Corner".
It relates to an earlier post on this site.
Click here.

Sleeplessness (Is That A Word?)

Why is it that I can struggle to keep my eyes open all day and yet when I go to bed I'm wide awake?
Why?
Hmmm?
Why?

Grrrrrrrrr! (Again)

My neighbour is still having her roof done and it's beginning to seriously fuck me off. It is currently 7:30pm and they're still up there!
I'm trying to watch The Simpsons you bunch of inconsiderate cunts!

Spunktastic

Had an appointment with my nemesis Mr Lobb yesterday. If you don't remember what he did to me last time, click here.
The results of my wank test were in. He had to phone the lab for the figures and while he was on the phone he started grinning. I thought "Here we go, he's gonna tell me I'm a jaffa." But, no.
Apparently, my Harry Monk is well above average in all areas.
Fantastic!

Recently Viewed

Recently Read

This book won several awards. Although I enjoyed it, I felt it was a bit over-rated.

Oh, Villa We Love You!

Damn straight!

O-mazing Grace

I want this fella to perform at my funeral!

Typical Workplace Conversation

A trampy young woman approaches my window.
"Ave you got a Nokia charger?"
"No"
"Ave you got a Nokia phone?"
"No"
"I need to get a number out my phone"
"I can't help you, sorry"
"You sure you aint got a Nokia phone or charger?"
"Positive. I use my Sony Ericsson charger to charge my Sony Ericsson phone"
"Why?"
"Because I have a Sony Ericsson charger and a Sony Ericsson phone"
"No, I mean why don't you have a Nokia charger?"
"Because this is London Underground, not The Carphone Warehouse"
"What? No, I wanna charge my phone"
"And you want London Underground to do it for you?"
"Yeah"
"Well, it aint gonna happen"
"Why not?"
"Are you off your rocker or what? This an Underground station. More often than not we deal with transport and transport alone"
"So you aint got a Nokia charger?"
"Fuck off!"

Happy Birthday!

To my sister-in-law Emma.
Yes, the one who's scared of ketchup and can't spell C.D.

As It Reads

Following the death of Antonio Puerta of Sevilla, I'd like to send my best wishes to Clive Clarke of Leicester City.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

According to my missus, the words to a very famous song are;
"In the jungle
the tiny jungle
the lion sleeps tonight"
Not the mighty jungle?
No, there's a couple of spider monkeys and a disgruntled stoat, that's it.
Tiny when you think about it!

Recently Viewed

Watched this with the missus last night. It even brought a tear to my eye. Of course, the missus will tell you that I sobbed like a new born baby.
Which I didn't.
Seriously, I didn't.
Honest.
Bollocks.

Happy Birthday!

To my fiancee Georgina who is 27 today.

Farewell Ole!

I don't normally praise anything to do with Man U, but, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is one the most under-rated players ever. You never read about his life in the papers. He got on with his job efficiently without causing a fuss. In my opinion, he's up there with Bergkamp and Zola.
Well, maybe not Bergkamp!

Typical Workplace Conversation

"Excuse me, we're going to the Notting Hill Carnival, can we get to Ladbroke Grove station from here?"
"Normally yes, but Ladbroke Grove is closed all weekend beceause of the carnival. Go to Bayswater, Latimer Road or Westbourne Park instead."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You're really sure?"
"Yes."
He turns to his missus and whispers something. She walks over.
"Are you sure Ladbroke Grove is closed?"
"Yes."
"It's definitely closed, you're sure of that?"
"I may look like a monkey who has been stratigically shaved and dressed in an Underground uniform, but I can definitely confirm that Ladbroke Grove station is closed."

One Month To Go.....

....till the big Three - Oh!

Desperately Awaiting

Due for release on the 24th September. 3 days before my 30th birthday.
It's good to know I'll have 3 days to rock out before I "mature."

Foo Fighters - Stairway To Heaven

Fellow Led Zep fans won't know if they should laugh or cry. I laughed until around 4 mins when Dave (God) Grohl proved what a talent he is.

Foo Fighters - The Pretender

Rocking at their very best!

What A Dick!

BBC News reader;
"On to the results of the Barclays Premier League. Match Of The Day follows the news so, if you don't want to know the results, you should look away now. Arsenal ended Manchester City's fine opening run of the season with a 1-0 win.........."
Why the fuck did you tell everyone to look away from the screen and then read out the entire day's scores? Did you think you were reading the news to the deaf?
Dick.

Aaaarrgh! Those Eyes!

Yesterday I served a woman and her daughter. The little girl was no more than 4 or 5 years old. As she approached my window she stopped talking with her mother, mid-sentance, and just stared at me with the scariest eyes I've ever seen. She stared at me for the entire transaction, then resumed her conversation exactly where she'd left it. It was like The Village Of The Damned or something, I felt quite intimidated.

The Big Three Oh

In 36 days time I will be 30 years old.
I'm not sure how I feel about it to be honest.
Part of me feels that it's the end of my reckless youth. The other part tells me that it's high time I grew up.
The missus has decided to arrange a huge party for me, although I said I'd prefer a quiet meal alone with her.
She's invited over 80 people. I didn't know I even knew that many people!
I'm gonna need a bigger house!

GRRRRR!

Both of my neighbours are having their flat roofs replaced.
This means that I'll be waking up at 8am. Not normally a major problem, but I'm on late shifts this week and the thought of being awaken at this time doesn't fill me with joy. The further thought of spending the whole day with banging in my ears before heading off for an evening of work is just too much to bear.

Classic Monty Python

Dead Pigeon, Sunday Night

He's not pining! He's passed on! This pigeon is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PIGEON!!

Yes I know, I've copied the Monty Python parrot sketch and substituted pigeon for parrot, but it's still funny!

Local Footy

Bell Close, The home of Leighton Town F.C.

Pie, is there a better footy snack? I doubt it.

I've been meaning to see Leighton Town play since I moved up here, I've just never got around to it due to shift work and various other shit excuses. Tonight was a local derby, the opponents being Aylesbury United. The final score was 1-1, both goals coming in the first half. Leighton were unlucky to have a goal ruled out just before half time and then went on to dominate the second half.

So, in summary, Leighton will see this as 2 points dropped and Chris Kamara is a twat.

Back to John in the studio.

Curently Listening To

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

While walking from the car to the cinema, the missus was talking about how cold it seemed lately.
"It seems to have got really chippy lately."
Chippy?
I'll have a saveloy, chips and curry sauce please.

Viewed Tonight

Brilliant, the best action film I've seen since 300. The Algerian fight scene is one of the best cinematic punch-ups ever.

THE most pointless film ever made.

EVER.

Open Letter To Jens Lehmann

Dear Mr Lehmann,
I understand that it is the beginning of the season and you may not be fully fit yet. I also understand that, in the last couple of years, our defence has been a bit lacking at times. Further more, I'm aware that in the last 3 years we've let several fantastic players leave the club.
But, at some point this season, it would be great if you didn't add to our woes, making a complete knob jockey of yourself and gifting the opposition with a goal.
Thank you.

Come On City!

Sorry Gaz, it just had to be done.

Quality TV

Recently Viewed

Predictable.

Just Ordered

One of these.
Well, I couldn't keep playing the PS3 on a regular telly!

Not Sure I Should Laugh At This

Recently Viewed

A great film, Forest Whitaker fully deserved his Oscar.

Finished Reading

Outstanding.

More Shit Music

The truth be told
the truth be told
I'm worried about the future holds
the future holds
I'm starting
to worry
about Ray

The truth be told is that this song is shit.

Woo Hoo!

I won a tenner on the Lottery!

Typical Workplace Conversation

I despair with some customers, I really do.
"Can I have a return to Wembley please?"
"£5.70 please."
"I've got a Young Persons Railcard."
"£4.80 please."
"I've got an Oyster card."
"£4.00 please."
"I've got a zone 2 to 4 Travelcard on it."
"£3.00."
"I've already got £1 on it."
"£2.00"
"How do I get there?"
"Go up to the gates......"
"Then what?"
"Go through the gates......"
"Then?"
"Go to platform one......"
"And then?"
"Take the Metropolitan Line."
"Could you not have told me in one go?"
"Annoying isn't it!?"

Your Sunday Prayer

Praise be for the return of football.
Thank thee for providing Sunderland with the strength and wisdom to beat Spurts on the opening day of the season.
Amen.

Recently Viewed

A proper pile of old shit!

The Blame Game

This is our new clock. Quite cool, I'm sure you'll agree.
But, who is resposible for the old clock breaking?
Is it;
Person A; Who hung the heavy, glass fronted clock on a completely inadequate tiny nail.
Person B; Who tried to turn the light off with their elbow, thus causing a small vibration up the wall, causing the said light (did I mention it was heavy, glass fronted and hanging on an inadequate tiny nail?) to fall and smash.
Person C; It was a ghost and James is in no way, shape or form, resposible.

Internet Wankers

"Are you sure you want to log out?"
Of course I'm sure, that's why I fucking clicked on the "log out" icon.
Twats.

Quality Film Quote #17

Jimmy 'Popeye' Doyle "All right! You put a shiv in my partner. You know what that means? Goddammit! All winter long I got to listen to him gripe about his bowling scores. Now I'm gonna bust your ass for those three bags and I'm gonna nail you for picking your feet in Poughkeepsie."

Currently Watching

Interesting Fact

Horses can't vomit.
Fact.

I Told You....

.....I didn't know if I was coming or going.
This afternoon I left for work slightly late and had to rush to the station to catch the 12:08 train. I arrived at the station with a minute to spare but was somewhat confused by the lack of said train being present on the departures board.
I looked to my left.
No-one.
I looked to my right.
No-one.
Only then did it dawn on me that my train time for monday to friday is actually 12:38. The 12:08 is the one I catch on a saturday when I start earlier.
And so I sat on the platform.
Reading my book.
Out of breath.
For half an hour.
For no fucking reason.
What a dick I am!

Coming Or Going?

I don't know what I'm doing at the moment.
A double shift after only 5 hours sleep can really fuck you up!

Bad Hair Day

This is what will happen to you if you ask my missus to help cut your hair. Because of her inability to shave in a straight line you'll have to shave it all off.
So now I look like a fat criminal thug.
Great.

Interesting Fact

The following words have no other words that rhyme with them;
Month
Orange
Silver
Purple

Just Read / About To Read

Vengeance is the book that inspired the film "Munich", it's controversial but I believe the accounts to be true.

I aint read this one yet so I don't know why you scrolled down here to see what I'd write.

Porno Flies

Why Fly?

While we're on the subject of flies, why is a fly called a fly?
It can't be because it can fly, otherwise we'd have to call a bird a fly too.
And fish would need to be called swims.

Interesting Fact

I had a conversation with my brother on sunday about flies. He was wondering; if a fly has many eyes and it was to wink at you, would it wink with half of it's eyes or just one of them?
So, I did some research and it turns out that flies don't have any eyelids.
Fact.

Listening To

Alan Carr

You complete and utter cunt!
Why don't you fuck off you camp, annoying prick?!

Living Room - Start Of Day 1

Living Room - Start Of Day 2

Living Room - Start Of Day 3

Living Room - End Of Day 4