Grrrr

Is there anything worse than being really hungry and fancying a ham sandwich, only to discover that the bread has gone stale?
And it's not like I can go to the shop at 1:30 am on a sunday night!

More Shit Music

I really didn't want to do this one as I really like the Kaiser Chiefs, but the lyrics to Never Miss A Beat are utter bollocks.

Cheers

Firstly, thank you to all those who offered birthday wishes. Those of you who didn't bother will shortly be receiving dog turds through their letter box.

Secondly, thanks to those who gave advice on how to deal with Matty's colic. We're using Infacol and Dr Brown bottles and these seem to be reducing his discomfort.

Matty Tatty Images

The Birthday Boy

Today is my 31st birthday.

Yay.

Why Did No-One Warn Me?

I've just got back from having Matty's tattoo done and it hurts like a mother fucker!
I'll put a picture up later tonight or possibly tomorrow, when the tattoo has settled.

To Whom And How Much?

Exactly how many charity adverts are on T.V at the moment?
They're all basically the same. Show images of people, children and animals in despair and then ask you for £2 a month.
That's £2 a month so that little Jimmy can can have a clean bath.
Only £2 a month to provide Alan with Singapore noodles for a week.
Just £2 a month to stop a badger named Keith from being bummed by a hungry orphan.
O.K, the adverts are genuinely sad, but you get my point.
My problem isn't with the charities themselves, it's the constant bombardment of these adverts.
Am I supposed to give £2 to every charity?
Just what is the acceptable amount of charities to arrange direct debits with?
Two?
Three?
And, which charities do I choose?
Do I save Keith or Jimmy?
Will I be able to move on in life knowing that I've let an innocent badger be taken up the batty against his wishes?

I donate to Help For Heroes and The Teenage Cancer Trust as often as I can and as far as I'm concerned, that's enough. I don't need these adverts trying to make me feel guilty.

Now, put South Park back on.

Addictive Food

Tattoo Can Play That Game

At around 4pm on friday I'll be going to get my tattoo, honouring the birth of Matty. It will be situated on my left inner forearm
If all goes well, then it may not be long before I get a second one, honouring the missus. I've yet to decide on this one's location.

Interesting Fact

Moth hunting is the most popular of French sports.
It is not uncommon to see French men dressed in fox outfits, armed with baguettes, swinging wildly in the Parisian night.

Quality Film Quote # 31

Ryan Phillipe's character Parker, sits on a bar doorman's car and sets off the alarm.

Doorman: Hey, hey. Yeah you, get up. What are you retarded? Get off the fucking car!
Doorman's Bird: Hey dickless, get off the fucking car! Hey fucksuck, get your slippery fucking ass off the car! Listen to me, get off the fucking car with your fucking ass!
Parker (to the Doorman): Shut that cunts mouth or I'll come over there and fuckstart her head!

Thanks to Gary who pointed out that I'd not included the film title "The Way Of The Gun."

Change My Arse Too Daddy!

As If He Had A Choice!

One Armed Bandit

I've learned to do a lot with one arm, since Matty seems to be permanently attached to the other. Below is just a sample.

1; Eat and Drink.
2; Type.
3; Turn numerous gadgets on/off/over.
4; Wash.
5; Make up Matty's bottles.
6; Cook.
7; Feed Peanut-Face.
8; Dress.
9; Annoy the Missus.
10; Piss.

Colic Fatigue Syndrome

Poor young Matty has been suffering from colic. As a result he's been crying away in the afternoon for hours on end. Nobody knows 100% what actually causes colic so there's no sure fire cure. All the missus and me can do is carry him around and give him lots of cuddles.
After a random amount of hours I put him in his car seat and carry him around, which usually makes him to drop off for a few hours. Once he's awake he's fine again, but all the carrying around isn't helping my shoulder (no, I haven't been to the doctors yet!).
If any parents out there have any hints and tips I would be greatly appreciative.

Yours sleeplessly,

Me.

Getting On My Nerve

S'cuse the lack of posts this weekend but I've been in a great deal of pain.
I think I've trapped a nerve in my left shoulder and it's absolute agony. Just holding Matty for a few minutes sends sharp pains searing down my left arm and sleeping has been difficult.
I've had this pain on numerous occasions before but never for this long. If it persists into tomorrow I'll be making my first trip to the doctors this year.
Happy, happy, joy, joy.

Currently Watching

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only person who is permanently being shat on from a great height!

Recently Viewed

Homer Knows Best #10

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

Fattus Cattus

The other day I picked up our beloved cat Peanut-Face and thought "Fuck me, she's heavy!" I put it down to holding Matty for the last few days. He's quite heavy so I guessed I'd under-estimated her weight.
Today the missus took Peanuckle-Head to the vets for her booster jabs. When the vet checked her over he told the missus she was overweight and we were to cut back on her treats.
I'm just glad I'm not the only fat fuck in this house now!

Favouritism

Matthew burps;
"Oh, it's so cute when he does that!"

I burp;
"You're a fucking animal!"

Matthew farts;
"Oooh, that was a good one wasn't it?!"

I fart;
"You dirty bastard!"

Matthew pukes from drinking too much;
"Aah bless, lets wipe that up shall we?"

I puke from drinking too much;
"You're off your face again you cunt!"

The Production Line

Keeping Matty fed is a continuous job. There are all sorts of gadgets strewn around the kitchen, from sterilisers and breast pumps, to teats and bottle warmers. All to make sure our beloved son can stuff his face on a regular basis.

Currently Watching

I'm so glad American Chopper has returned, I just love it.

I'm planning to get a tattoo of Matty's handprint, name, time and date of birth in the not too distant future. I thought I'd watch this show as a bit of research and have managed to get myself and the missus completely hooked.

Recently Viewed

Being up late with Matty means I've had plenty of time for films.

Typical Pethadine Conversation

While the missus was in labour, she was given pethadine to try and numb her pain. Below are some of the things she said to me.

"The feet."
"Eh?"
"The feet. It's the best bit about her."
"Who?"
Silence.

"The car park."
"What about it?"
"It's full up from the front."
"Oooh.k."

"James?"
"Yeah hon, I'm here."
"James?"
"Yeah love?"
"James?"
"Yeah?"
"James?"
"What is it babe?"
"Hmmmmph!"
"?"

And finally, the one that will haunt me forever.
She pulls me close and busts my heart wide open by murmuring;

"Oh, James, please James, help me, I can't take the pain. Please help me James, please, please help me, I can't take the pain."

The pethadine isn't working. I can't help her. I stand there helpless. I hold her as tight as I can and try to not let her see my tears or hear my desperate sobbing.

Shameless Bitch

My mum works for a couple of hours in a charity shop most saturday mornings. Today the missus, Matty and myself popped in to say hello and show off Matty to the other old biddys who work there.
While we were there, a woman came into the shop and asked for a refund on a teddy bear she'd bought for £1.
What the fuck?
It's a fucking charity shop and you only spent £1 and now you want a refund? I mean, surely the shame of it alone should have put you off.
Some people seriously need to get things in perspective.

Bee Gone

Apparently, U.K. bee numbers have fallen by around 30%.

Am I the only person who sees this as a good thing?

Loving Every Minute!

As you can probably guess, I've been heaping loads of love upon my son Matty and loving every minute of it.
I can now change a nappy without losing my last meal, although he's managed to piss over my jeans. And as for feeding him, well that's a doddle.
For the first couple of days I thought I'd had my last good night's kip for 6 months, but I've quickly come to realise that it's as much about us getting into a routine as Matty himself. For the last three nights we've managed to get a good few hours sleep around his sleeping times. And, last night, the missus and me actually shared a bed for the first time since Matty was born. Athough, I dare say the "shift" arrangement may be needed again.
We took Matty out for the first time today. First we popped into town for a few essentials, then we took him over to see his aunty Michelle in Aylesbury. I think it did the missus and myself to get out of the house too.
Finally; I know I said I had a diary I'd kept whilst awaitng Matty's arrival, but I've decided not to post it for now. While the end result was the most joyous event in my life to date, Gina's labour was very long and difficult. There were some really traumatic moments for all those who were at the hospital. It is because of those traumatic events that I do not feel ready to put the diary here.
One day the family may be able to look back those events and not get too upset about them, until then the diary will remain private.