Typical Workplace Conversation

Three Australian women come to my window.

"Hi, we'd like three tickets for the whole day please."
"No probs, where will you be travelling today?"
They consult for what feels like half of my shift.
"Oh, just London."
"O.K, London's a big city. If you could be a bit more specific, I may be able to save you some money."
They consult for what seems like the rest of my shift.
"Just inner London, zones 1&2 should be great."
"O.K, that'll be £15.90 please."
"No worries. How much is this note?"
"That's £5, you'll need more than that I'm afraid"
"Oh, sorry. Our money's different back home. How much is this note?"
"That's £10, again you'll need more."
"Right, gosh the money's so different here. What's this one?"
"That's a £20 note. That will cover it."
The transaction takes place and they get their change.
"Wow, it's so complicated with English money because it's different to ours."
"I know. And the fact we share the same language and numbers doesn't help either."

Homer Knows Best #2

Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

More Shit Music

Scouting For Girls; Elvis Aint Dead.

But I wish it was me you chose
I wish it was me you chose
I wish it was me you chose
I wish it was me you chose
cause Elvis ain't dead
and you're coming back
and Elvis ain't dead
and you're coming back
Oh

Elvis IS dead and she's not coming back because you're so fucking stupid.
Oh and by the way, how would you perform a "love lobotomy" anyway?
Pricks.

Paul Got Fingered

While my brother was waiting to have his appendix removed, the doctor decided to do a rectal examination. After he had, erm, assumed the position the doctor, erm, inserted herself into him. Below is how my brother described the conversation with the doctor.

"Are you ready?"
"(Reluctantly) Yes."
"O.K (inserts finger). Does that feel normal?"
"I can't really say, I've never had a finger up there before."
"Do you feel any pain or dis-comfort?"
"It's not painful but I do feel un-comfortable with a finger up my arse!"

I love him so much!
But, I have no doubt he will try to kill me after seeing that I've blogged this!

Get Well Soon Bro!

Yet again my brother has been admitted to hospital. This time it's with suspected appendicitis (yes, I checked the spelling). If it is appendicitis (there's that long word again), then he'll be operated on tonight.
I obviously wish him well and apologise for not being able to be with him due to work commitments and exhaustion.

19:20; Update; It is confirmed appendicitis. He'll having it removed tonight sometime after 8pm.

22:13; In surgery.

23:05; Everything went well and he's in recovery ward.

Homer Knows Best #1

Homer: When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Sleep Is For Ladyboys

It's 04:10 and I'm wide awake I don't need to be up until 06:30 but it's the first early shift after lates and I always have trouble adjusting.
One good thing about being up this early is that I had plenty of time to dick around on t'internet.
I've just signed into MySpace for the first time in ages and there was a bulliten from the Foo Fighters announcing that their blog is up and running. There is a link in the "Blogs I Read" section.

Shiny, Shiny New Phone!

High definition screen.
Ultra slim sliding design.
5 mega pixel camera.

Damn sexy!

5 Fucking 1?

The following football players need to be shot in the face;

Alexander Hleb (we were in red tonight)
Gilberto Silva (great headless chicken impression)
Nicklas Bendtner (wrong goal you cunt)
William Gallas (try clearing the ball at some point)
Theo Walcott (play to your potential or fuck off back to Southampton)
Robbie Savage (I know he don't play for Arsenal but he's still a cunt)

And a message to Spurs fans;

Congratulations, your first victory over Arsenal since 1999. It came against a second string side, you must be very proud.

I am now going to get very, very drunk.

Interesting Fact

Upsetting badgers was a popular sport in the 90's. The most popular way to upset a badger was to throw Werther's Originals at them.
Badger Upsetting has been illegal since 1999 after that old cunt from the Werther's Original advert complained to parliament about the "Un-natural waste of a jolly good sweet."
Probably.

At The Car Wash

I went to the car wash today, obviously.

Egg, Beach, Fry Adventure

Just found this video on my computer. I'd completely forgotten about it as it's a couple of years old.

The short story is; A colleague found out that I was going to Greece to see relatives. He said that when he was a kid, his teacher had been to greece and said it was so hot you could fry an egg on the beach. I pointed out that it would be in the middle of november and I'd be staying by the mountains but he wanted me to try anyway.

So here it is, me trying to fry an egg by the beach in Aigio in mid-november. It's filmed using a mobile phone so put up or shut up.

Typical Workplace Conversation

So, the customers (there were many) walk past the station entrance which is half closed.
"Hmm, I wonder what that means?"

They go down a few steps and see the first notice board.
"Planned engineering, station is closed. Surely that's not meant for me."

They turn to their left and see the second set of station gates are three quarters closed.
"I wonder why those gates are closed like that? Never mind, I've got a tube to catch."

Customer goes to the gates and sees another sign.
"This station is closed due to planned engineering works. Ooh, that's two gates partially closed and two six foot high notice boards trying to send me a message. It's too bad I'm as thick as pig shit. It's getting late, I'd better get my train."
Customer approaches a member of staff; me.
"Are the trains running o.k?"
"No, it's suspended for engineering works all weekend."
"Oh, is this station closed then?"
"Yes."
"You could have put a notice up to stop people coming down here."
"Yes, we erm, really, really should do that."
"Are you being sarcastic?"
"Not at all. When you re-trace your steps to exit the station please look around for hidden clues suggesting that this station could be closed."

Leighton Town 3 - 0 Romulus

The mighty Leighton Town easily beat Romulus by three goals to nil.
I did have a couple of pictures but I managed to delete them from my phone before I could upload them.
Romulus, what kind of name is that anyway? Sounds like a washing machine to me.

I'm As Hard As Fucking Nails!

25

Meet Michigan Singles

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

The missus returns from her night shift and climbs into bed with me.

"Can I have the T.V remote please?"
"Don't put the telly on love, I'm trying to sleep."
"But I need it on, it helps me un-wind."
"So why don't you watch telly in the front room?"
"Because I want to lay down."
"You can lay on the sofa."
"I'm not laying on the sofa, I'll get a limp in my neck."

Caution - Wide Load

Can whoever it is that sells small motorbikes and mopeds to fat people please stop immediately. I was stuck behind one today and it was the worst 5 minutes of a journey I've ever had.

Sometimes Time Off Is A Pain

I'm in the middle of 9 days annual leave.
I was terminally ill for the first 2, laying the front room floor for the next 2 and now I'm completely bored.
The missus is on night shifts tonight, tomorrow and thursday so I'll be alone for the most part.
It's pissing down outside so I'm not going out.
I've completed Guitar Heroes 3 on easy setting and am not brave enough to try a harder level.
I'm utterly, utterly bored stiff.
I'm gonna have to get drunk to null the boredom.
Although, I do stupid things when I'm in this kind of mood.

BOREDOM
+
BOOZE
+
NO GINA TO KEEP AN EYE ON ME
=
NO PUBES IN THE MORNING

It's the circle of life and she's got no-one to blame but herself.

D.I.Why?

Even if I'm ill I can't escape from the missus.
I've started laying the new floor in the living room. It looks exaclty the same as the old floor to me (wood) but apparantly I'm a;
"Fucking idiot, it's completely different"
Not a nice way to speak to someone who's hardly eaten for three days and spent far too much time in the bog, I'm sure you'll agree.
So there I was, today, on my hands and knees, laying a floor, tolerating abuse, de-hydrated and suffering from malnutrition.
Feel free to offer a sympathetic comment.

You've Been Framed

Order of clips;

*Middle aged drunk person falls over while dancing like a fool at a wedding.
*Maddie look-a-like is knocked over by some waves on a beach.
*Three teenagers perform a planned "accident".
*Baby pulls a funny face.
*Funny animal clip.
*Middle aged drunk person falls off of a trampoline.
*A clip that isn't funny enough for the american version, starring american people, doing american things and isn't funny enough for the U.K version.
*Another funny animal clip.
*Too many middle aged drunk people get on a table and it collapses.

Et cetera, et-fucking-cetera.