To my sister-in-law Emma.
Yes, the one who's scared of ketchup and can't spell C.D.
Thursday 30 August 2007
Wednesday 29 August 2007
As It Reads
Following the death of Antonio Puerta of Sevilla, I'd like to send my best wishes to Clive Clarke of Leicester City.
She's Mad I Tell Ya!
According to my missus, the words to a very famous song are;
"In the jungle
the tiny jungle
the lion sleeps tonight"
Not the mighty jungle?
No, there's a couple of spider monkeys and a disgruntled stoat, that's it.
Tiny when you think about it!
"In the jungle
the tiny jungle
the lion sleeps tonight"
Not the mighty jungle?
No, there's a couple of spider monkeys and a disgruntled stoat, that's it.
Tiny when you think about it!
Recently Viewed
Watched this with the missus last night. It even brought a tear to my eye. Of course, the missus will tell you that I sobbed like a new born baby.Which I didn't.
Seriously, I didn't.
Honest.
Bollocks.
Tuesday 28 August 2007
Farewell Ole!
I don't normally praise anything to do with Man U, but, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is one the most under-rated players ever. You never read about his life in the papers. He got on with his job efficiently without causing a fuss. In my opinion, he's up there with Bergkamp and Zola.Well, maybe not Bergkamp!
Typical Workplace Conversation
"Excuse me, we're going to the Notting Hill Carnival, can we get to Ladbroke Grove station from here?"
"Normally yes, but Ladbroke Grove is closed all weekend beceause of the carnival. Go to Bayswater, Latimer Road or Westbourne Park instead."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You're really sure?"
"Yes."
He turns to his missus and whispers something. She walks over.
"Are you sure Ladbroke Grove is closed?"
"Yes."
"It's definitely closed, you're sure of that?"
"I may look like a monkey who has been stratigically shaved and dressed in an Underground uniform, but I can definitely confirm that Ladbroke Grove station is closed."
"Normally yes, but Ladbroke Grove is closed all weekend beceause of the carnival. Go to Bayswater, Latimer Road or Westbourne Park instead."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You're really sure?"
"Yes."
He turns to his missus and whispers something. She walks over.
"Are you sure Ladbroke Grove is closed?"
"Yes."
"It's definitely closed, you're sure of that?"
"I may look like a monkey who has been stratigically shaved and dressed in an Underground uniform, but I can definitely confirm that Ladbroke Grove station is closed."
Monday 27 August 2007
Desperately Awaiting
Due for release on the 24th September. 3 days before my 30th birthday.It's good to know I'll have 3 days to rock out before I "mature."
Foo Fighters - Stairway To Heaven
Fellow Led Zep fans won't know if they should laugh or cry. I laughed until around 4 mins when Dave (God) Grohl proved what a talent he is.
Saturday 25 August 2007
What A Dick!
BBC News reader;
"On to the results of the Barclays Premier League. Match Of The Day follows the news so, if you don't want to know the results, you should look away now. Arsenal ended Manchester City's fine opening run of the season with a 1-0 win.........."
Why the fuck did you tell everyone to look away from the screen and then read out the entire day's scores? Did you think you were reading the news to the deaf?
Dick.
"On to the results of the Barclays Premier League. Match Of The Day follows the news so, if you don't want to know the results, you should look away now. Arsenal ended Manchester City's fine opening run of the season with a 1-0 win.........."
Why the fuck did you tell everyone to look away from the screen and then read out the entire day's scores? Did you think you were reading the news to the deaf?
Dick.
Friday 24 August 2007
Aaaarrgh! Those Eyes!
Yesterday I served a woman and her daughter. The little girl was no more than 4 or 5 years old. As she approached my window she stopped talking with her mother, mid-sentance, and just stared at me with the scariest eyes I've ever seen. She stared at me for the entire transaction, then resumed her conversation exactly where she'd left it. It was like The Village Of The Damned or something, I felt quite intimidated.Wednesday 22 August 2007
The Big Three Oh
In 36 days time I will be 30 years old.
I'm not sure how I feel about it to be honest.
Part of me feels that it's the end of my reckless youth. The other part tells me that it's high time I grew up.
The missus has decided to arrange a huge party for me, although I said I'd prefer a quiet meal alone with her.
She's invited over 80 people. I didn't know I even knew that many people!
I'm gonna need a bigger house!
I'm not sure how I feel about it to be honest.
Part of me feels that it's the end of my reckless youth. The other part tells me that it's high time I grew up.
The missus has decided to arrange a huge party for me, although I said I'd prefer a quiet meal alone with her.
She's invited over 80 people. I didn't know I even knew that many people!
I'm gonna need a bigger house!
GRRRRR!
Both of my neighbours are having their flat roofs replaced.
This means that I'll be waking up at 8am. Not normally a major problem, but I'm on late shifts this week and the thought of being awaken at this time doesn't fill me with joy. The further thought of spending the whole day with banging in my ears before heading off for an evening of work is just too much to bear.
This means that I'll be waking up at 8am. Not normally a major problem, but I'm on late shifts this week and the thought of being awaken at this time doesn't fill me with joy. The further thought of spending the whole day with banging in my ears before heading off for an evening of work is just too much to bear.
Tuesday 21 August 2007
Dead Pigeon, Sunday Night
He's not pining! He's passed on! This pigeon is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PIGEON!!Yes I know, I've copied the Monty Python parrot sketch and substituted pigeon for parrot, but it's still funny!
Local Footy
Bell Close, The home of Leighton Town F.C.
Pie, is there a better footy snack? I doubt it.
I've been meaning to see Leighton Town play since I moved up here, I've just never got around to it due to shift work and various other shit excuses. Tonight was a local derby, the opponents being Aylesbury United. The final score was 1-1, both goals coming in the first half. Leighton were unlucky to have a goal ruled out just before half time and then went on to dominate the second half.
So, in summary, Leighton will see this as 2 points dropped and Chris Kamara is a twat.
Back to John in the studio.
Monday 20 August 2007
She's Mad I Tell Ya!
While walking from the car to the cinema, the missus was talking about how cold it seemed lately.
"It seems to have got really chippy lately."
Chippy?
I'll have a saveloy, chips and curry sauce please.
"It seems to have got really chippy lately."
Chippy?
I'll have a saveloy, chips and curry sauce please.
Viewed Tonight
Brilliant, the best action film I've seen since 300. The Algerian fight scene is one of the best cinematic punch-ups ever.
THE most pointless film ever made.
EVER.
Open Letter To Jens Lehmann
Dear Mr Lehmann,
I understand that it is the beginning of the season and you may not be fully fit yet. I also understand that, in the last couple of years, our defence has been a bit lacking at times. Further more, I'm aware that in the last 3 years we've let several fantastic players leave the club.
But, at some point this season, it would be great if you didn't add to our woes, making a complete knob jockey of yourself and gifting the opposition with a goal.
Thank you.
I understand that it is the beginning of the season and you may not be fully fit yet. I also understand that, in the last couple of years, our defence has been a bit lacking at times. Further more, I'm aware that in the last 3 years we've let several fantastic players leave the club.
But, at some point this season, it would be great if you didn't add to our woes, making a complete knob jockey of yourself and gifting the opposition with a goal.
Thank you.
Sunday 19 August 2007
Saturday 18 August 2007
Friday 17 August 2007
Wednesday 15 August 2007
Monday 13 August 2007
More Shit Music
The truth be told
the truth be told
I'm worried about the future holds
the future holds
I'm starting
to worry
about Ray
The truth be told is that this song is shit.
the truth be told
I'm worried about the future holds
the future holds
I'm starting
to worry
about Ray
The truth be told is that this song is shit.
Sunday 12 August 2007
Typical Workplace Conversation
I despair with some customers, I really do.
"Can I have a return to Wembley please?"
"£5.70 please."
"I've got a Young Persons Railcard."
"£4.80 please."
"I've got an Oyster card."
"£4.00 please."
"I've got a zone 2 to 4 Travelcard on it."
"£3.00."
"I've already got £1 on it."
"£2.00"
"How do I get there?"
"Go up to the gates......"
"Then what?"
"Go through the gates......"
"Then?"
"Go to platform one......"
"And then?"
"Take the Metropolitan Line."
"Could you not have told me in one go?"
"Annoying isn't it!?"
"Can I have a return to Wembley please?"
"£5.70 please."
"I've got a Young Persons Railcard."
"£4.80 please."
"I've got an Oyster card."
"£4.00 please."
"I've got a zone 2 to 4 Travelcard on it."
"£3.00."
"I've already got £1 on it."
"£2.00"
"How do I get there?"
"Go up to the gates......"
"Then what?"
"Go through the gates......"
"Then?"
"Go to platform one......"
"And then?"
"Take the Metropolitan Line."
"Could you not have told me in one go?"
"Annoying isn't it!?"
Your Sunday Prayer
Praise be for the return of football.
Thank thee for providing Sunderland with the strength and wisdom to beat Spurts on the opening day of the season.
Amen.
Thank thee for providing Sunderland with the strength and wisdom to beat Spurts on the opening day of the season.
Amen.
Saturday 11 August 2007
The Blame Game
This is our new clock. Quite cool, I'm sure you'll agree.But, who is resposible for the old clock breaking?
Is it;
Person A; Who hung the heavy, glass fronted clock on a completely inadequate tiny nail.
Person B; Who tried to turn the light off with their elbow, thus causing a small vibration up the wall, causing the said light (did I mention it was heavy, glass fronted and hanging on an inadequate tiny nail?) to fall and smash.
Person C; It was a ghost and James is in no way, shape or form, resposible.
Thursday 9 August 2007
Internet Wankers
"Are you sure you want to log out?"
Of course I'm sure, that's why I fucking clicked on the "log out" icon.
Twats.
Of course I'm sure, that's why I fucking clicked on the "log out" icon.
Twats.
Wednesday 8 August 2007
Quality Film Quote #17
Jimmy 'Popeye' Doyle "All right! You put a shiv in my partner. You know what that means? Goddammit! All winter long I got to listen to him gripe about his bowling scores. Now I'm gonna bust your ass for those three bags and I'm gonna nail you for picking your feet in Poughkeepsie."
Tuesday 7 August 2007
Monday 6 August 2007
I Told You....
.....I didn't know if I was coming or going.
This afternoon I left for work slightly late and had to rush to the station to catch the 12:08 train. I arrived at the station with a minute to spare but was somewhat confused by the lack of said train being present on the departures board.
I looked to my left.
No-one.
I looked to my right.
No-one.
Only then did it dawn on me that my train time for monday to friday is actually 12:38. The 12:08 is the one I catch on a saturday when I start earlier.
And so I sat on the platform.
Reading my book.
Out of breath.
For half an hour.
For no fucking reason.
What a dick I am!
This afternoon I left for work slightly late and had to rush to the station to catch the 12:08 train. I arrived at the station with a minute to spare but was somewhat confused by the lack of said train being present on the departures board.
I looked to my left.
No-one.
I looked to my right.
No-one.
Only then did it dawn on me that my train time for monday to friday is actually 12:38. The 12:08 is the one I catch on a saturday when I start earlier.
And so I sat on the platform.
Reading my book.
Out of breath.
For half an hour.
For no fucking reason.
What a dick I am!
Coming Or Going?
I don't know what I'm doing at the moment.
A double shift after only 5 hours sleep can really fuck you up!
A double shift after only 5 hours sleep can really fuck you up!
Saturday 4 August 2007
Bad Hair Day
This is what will happen to you if you ask my missus to help cut your hair. Because of her inability to shave in a straight line you'll have to shave it all off.So now I look like a fat criminal thug.
Great.
Friday 3 August 2007
Interesting Fact
The following words have no other words that rhyme with them;
Month
Orange
Silver
Purple
Month
Orange
Silver
Purple
Just Read / About To Read
Vengeance is the book that inspired the film "Munich", it's controversial but I believe the accounts to be true.
I aint read this one yet so I don't know why you scrolled down here to see what I'd write.Wednesday 1 August 2007
Why Fly?
While we're on the subject of flies, why is a fly called a fly?
It can't be because it can fly, otherwise we'd have to call a bird a fly too.
And fish would need to be called swims.
It can't be because it can fly, otherwise we'd have to call a bird a fly too.
And fish would need to be called swims.
Interesting Fact
I had a conversation with my brother on sunday about flies. He was wondering; if a fly has many eyes and it was to wink at you, would it wink with half of it's eyes or just one of them?So, I did some research and it turns out that flies don't have any eyelids.
Fact.
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