Boy's Toys

Ow, ow, ow, serious shoulder pain!
Your knee will hurt too if you play Michelle at baseball!


Fucking hell, I didn't know I had this many CDs to transfer!

Not Sure I Should Laugh At This

Happy 30th Birthday!

To me.
This photo is evidence that they do make lilos for fat fuckers.

Damn, Bugger And Blast.....

.... is all I can say as I enter the very last day of my twenties.
Tomorow I will reach the big Three-oh, but what exactly will this mean to me?
Will I still be able to;
# Laugh at Spongebob Squarepants?
# Scratch myself in inappropriate places at inappropriate times?
# Burp and fart loudly while thinking how funny it is?
# Read Asterix books?
# Find the work "cock" highly amusing?
# Masturbate without guilt?
# Drink excessive amounts of lager on restdays, thus causing me to burp and fart loudly?

I wouldn't bet against it!!

Addictive Game

Try this game.

Recently Read

The first book in the "Conqueror" series, which is about Ghengis Khan.
I can highly recommend the "Emperor" series by the same author, which is about Gaius Julius Caesar

Cheeky Bitch

I will be 30 on thursday and I'm not too keen on it. It seems that I'll be getting no moral support from the missus.
Last night there was sod all on the telly, so I left the Antiques Roadshow on while I read the paper. The missus said "Why are we watching this shit? You'll be old enough to be on it soon, you're nearly an antique yourself!"
Not content with that, she's just said to me "I can't believe I'll be engaged to a 30 year old!"
Such spite from the so-called love of my life!

Recently Pre-Ordered

Buy this damn funny film for £9.99 (rrp £19.99) from Play.com.......

....and get a third off any Simpsons t-shirt.
Bargain.

Quality Film Quote 19

Quint: "Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down to the pond and chasing bluegills and tommycocks. This shark, swallow you whole. No shakin', no tenderizin', down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."

Incompetent Lying Wankers

I get home from work and there are four answerphone messages (each increasing in abruptness) and a note saying our repaired bedroom tv was supposed to be delivered today, but no one was home. So I phone "The Tech Guys" to ask what's going on.
"The delivery driver knocked on the front and back doors with no reply."
"That's beceause no one was in, we didn't know the tv was coming."
"One of my colleagues spoke to someone this morning and arranged a delivery time."
"Impossible."
"No, they phoned at around 8:30 and spoke to someone."
"I'm telling you, that's impossible. I left for work at 4:45 am and my fincee would have left before 6:30 am."
"Oh, we sent you a letter informing you."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes we did, dated the 17th September."
"Oooohhhh, you mean the letter sitting in front of me, dated the 17th September, which clearly states; 'we regret to inform you (sounds as if someone's died, there's still time) that the repair to your 26 inch LCD tv has not progressed.' Would that be the letter you are referring to?"
"Erm, yes."
"O.K, so admitting that there's been a huge cock up from your end, when can we expect our tv?"
"It's been re-scheduled for monday the 24th September."
"Can you give me a time slot?"
"No, one of our drivers will call."
"Like they did this morning, right?"

CONGRATULATIONS!

To Andrew and Suzan who are now the proud parents of a handsome baby boy!

Who?

This is Avram Grant, the new Chelsea manager.
You must remember him from when he played for.......... erm, ok, well how about when he managed......... erm, right, erm, ok then.
Oh, hang on, he managed Israel when they nearly qualified for the World Cup.
No pressure.

Don't Cry Jose

In all honesty I think Jose will be better off without Chelsea.
There's no doubt in my mind that he's one of the best managers in the world, but how can you manage players that your chairman has chosen?

Sick

I've managed to catch a cold. Hopefully it wont be too heavy as I've got 8 early shifts ahead of me.

Better

Following my earlier moody post, I'd like to inform you that I'm in a better frame of mind now.
Seeing the missus cheered me up, then we went to my brothers where I saw my niece. She always cheers me up.
Not that she paid much attention to me though, she was too pre-occupied with her new puppy.

Down

Today I feel really depressed. I don't know why.
I had to force myself out of bed and I have only just dressed.
The only person who can help is at work and she wont be home for hours.
I might force myself to Tescos just to give myself something to do.
Woe is me.

Charity Bastards (Again)

Today, more of these fuckers jumped out in front of me on my way to work. I think I've figured out how to unsettle them though. After the third one I hit on an idea (although I'd rather hit them).
Instead of side stepping them and saying "Sorry" I said nothing. When they stepped in front of me I stared straight into their eyes and didn't alter course. Needless to say it was they who sidestepped me for once and said "Sorry".
Today I played chicken with those annoying charity bastards.
And won!

Just Found

Just found this picture on my mobile. It's from our holiday to Portugal.
While we were waiting for the coach back to the airport we played Scrabble.
This was Gaz's best effort.
The guy's a genius.

10 Days

Till I'm thirty.
Boooo!

Typical Workplace Conversation

I nearly fell off my chair laughing when I heard a colleagues conversation with a customer.
"Can I have a single to Paddington please?"
"Yes sir, £4 please."
"How do I get there?"
"Platform one, take a circle line."
"How many stops is it?"
"Four."
"How will I know when I get there?"
"The train's got windows mate, if you look out of them you'll see name of the station printed on the wall."

What A Glorious Day!

Gonna finish fourth are you? Don't think so.

Down with the Derby

You're going down with the Derby

Down with the Daaaaarrrrrrbeeeee

You're going down with the Derby

Repeat until the nearsest Spurts fan admits that they shit.

Interesting Fact

Birds have to shave twice a day to keep their beaks looking smooth.

Recently Read

A damned good read and based on true events too.
I can also recommend "Pompeii" by the same author.

Well, Do You?

Here We Go Again

Seven late shifts start today.
Fuck.

Just Viewed & Qualilty Film Quote 19

This is a damn funny film. I didn't want to see it at first, I assumed it would be a "chick flick". How wrong I was. We laughed pretty much non-stop.

QFQ 19;
Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Fuck off!
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: What?

Praise Be

Following my last post, it appears that I'm not the only one who knows how to empty the dishwasher. Lo and behold, someone else has done it.
Must be the "Dishwasher Monkey".

For Fucks Sake

Does any other fucker know how to empty a dishwasher? It's always me, well, I'm not gonna do it this time.

Quality Film Quote 18

Harry Monroe: Yes, I'm a short son of a bitch, my daddy was a short son of a bitch, my mother was shorter than him, and my brother, my brother was so short we couldn't even see him.

Recently Viewed

Not bad, better than I expected.


Very good, just waiting for for "Letters From Iwo Jima" to arrive.

Recently Viewed

Pile of shit.

My Missus, The Piss Head

My missus is currently shit-faced. She's gone through a whole bottle of wine. She really can't take her drink. She's phoning everyone and talking shit.
Let's just hope your phone don't ring.
Brrriiiinnng, Brrriiiinnng.
Oh fuck!

Waiting To See

View the trailer.

Success!

I had a comment posted on Holy Holy's world famous "Cunts Corner".
It relates to an earlier post on this site.
Click here.

Sleeplessness (Is That A Word?)

Why is it that I can struggle to keep my eyes open all day and yet when I go to bed I'm wide awake?
Why?
Hmmm?
Why?

Grrrrrrrrr! (Again)

My neighbour is still having her roof done and it's beginning to seriously fuck me off. It is currently 7:30pm and they're still up there!
I'm trying to watch The Simpsons you bunch of inconsiderate cunts!

Spunktastic

Had an appointment with my nemesis Mr Lobb yesterday. If you don't remember what he did to me last time, click here.
The results of my wank test were in. He had to phone the lab for the figures and while he was on the phone he started grinning. I thought "Here we go, he's gonna tell me I'm a jaffa." But, no.
Apparently, my Harry Monk is well above average in all areas.
Fantastic!

Recently Viewed

Recently Read

This book won several awards. Although I enjoyed it, I felt it was a bit over-rated.

Oh, Villa We Love You!

Damn straight!

O-mazing Grace

I want this fella to perform at my funeral!

Typical Workplace Conversation

A trampy young woman approaches my window.
"Ave you got a Nokia charger?"
"No"
"Ave you got a Nokia phone?"
"No"
"I need to get a number out my phone"
"I can't help you, sorry"
"You sure you aint got a Nokia phone or charger?"
"Positive. I use my Sony Ericsson charger to charge my Sony Ericsson phone"
"Why?"
"Because I have a Sony Ericsson charger and a Sony Ericsson phone"
"No, I mean why don't you have a Nokia charger?"
"Because this is London Underground, not The Carphone Warehouse"
"What? No, I wanna charge my phone"
"And you want London Underground to do it for you?"
"Yeah"
"Well, it aint gonna happen"
"Why not?"
"Are you off your rocker or what? This an Underground station. More often than not we deal with transport and transport alone"
"So you aint got a Nokia charger?"
"Fuck off!"