Typical Workplace Conversation

I was covering a meal break on the gate line, when a customer approached me and shows his ticket.
"Excuse me, can I go through the luggage gate? I've got a heavy suitcase."
"Sure mate, just push the top right hand corner of the gate when you hear the alarm."
He pulls the gate.
"No, push the top right corner mate."
He pushes the top left of the gate.
"No mate, push the top right corner of the gate."
He touches the Oyster card reader, which isn't even attatched to the gate.
"Hello!"
He turns.
"Push the top right hand corner of the gate."
He tries to pull the gate again.
"Where's your right hand mate?"
He waves it at me.
"And where's the gate?"
He points at it.
"Now, locate the top right hand corner of the gate and push."
Finally, he gets it right.

My New Job - Cattle Rustling

Make The Bed? Bollocks!

Can someone please explain to me why we bother to make the bed?
As far as I can tell, there is no logical reason why the missus forces me to do it. I mean, in a few hours you're gonna climb back in and mess it up again anyway. And don't tell me it's to make the room look nice, you might as well shut the bedroom door and not bother.
From now on, when the missus tells me to make the bed, I'm just gonna get into it and go to sleep.

Gets Me Every Time

O.K, so you've probably seen this before.
But, it still makes me smile every time.

D'oh!

The light bulb in the spare room blew today.
I removed it with no problem, but then tried to turn the light on so I could see while putting the new bulb in.
What a dick!

American Are We? Are We Fuck!

I am fucking livid at the moment.
Some of the people of this great nation have a serious fucking problem.
Any idea what I'm talking about?
No? Well, I'll tell you.
Barack Obama's inauguration.
Don't get me wrong, this is not an attack on the man himself.
Nor the U.S.ofA.
It's about the amount of people watching and talking about the inauguration itself.
Why? Why the fuck are you bothering? Are you American? Do you live in America? Are you related in any way to President Obama himself?
No, I didn't think so.
Did any of you watch Gordon Brown being sworn in as Prime Minister? Or how about the Queen's speech on Christmas day?
No, I didn't think so.
Sort your fucking lives out, show some pariotism.

Quality Film Quote # 33

Charlie Croker: It's a very difficult job and the only way to get through it is we all work together as a team. And that means you do everything I say.

The Italian Job; Michael Caine

Taking The Piss

I dunno if it's my age, but I can't remember the last time I went through the night without having to get up for a piss.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

They just keep on coming this week.

The other day I mentioned that I'd like to go to Borders bookstore in Milton Keynes.

"What for?"
"To buy a book love"
"A book to read?"
"Do you know any other kind?"
"Shut up!"

And just now I pointed out that Matty does most stuff with his left hand.

"I think he might be left-handed you know"
"I thought that the other day"
"Never mind, England will always need left wingers"
"They do say that left-handed people are more talented"
"Who says that then love?"
"Erm....."
"You just made that up didn't you!"
"Yeah" she bursts into a fit of laughter.

Sleeping Like A Baby? Not Me!

Young Matty has finally gone through the night!
Fair enough, the missus has been topping him up with camomile infused water, but this is a vast improvement on the norm. He normally wakes at around one o'clock and four o'clock for milk.
But (and you knew there'd be one) this has come at a price.
After he started to stir at around the one o'clock mark, the missus began her "Operation Camomile". In order to do this, it meant putting the little chap into bed with us. Only he's not so little in bed. He seemingly takes up half of the bed. And, of course, the missus needs to lie next to him, which leaves me with about four inches of bedspace.
Now, I could slither down a bit and have my legs dangling out of the bed. But, this would put my feet into no-mans land. You see, Peanut-Face only has to hear the sheets rustle and she's got her teeth clamped onto your big toe in an instant. I'm sure she's some kind of Ninja / Cat hybrid.
The solution?
Well, I tossed and turned for four hours, catching the odd bit of kip. But I gave up at around five o'clock and got up. Two hours before I needed to.
Excellent

Recently Ordered

The first 5 books in a series of 28.

Whoops! It appears that I missed out "The Devil You Know" which is second in the series.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

I just don't understand it!
You wait months and months and then two come along at once.

Matty was stirring so I went into the room, to see if he needed some water.

"I've got him some water love"

The Missus had already put him in bed with her and was giving him some water she must have prepared earlier.

"Where's the baby?"
"Erm, he's right there love" (I point next to her.)
"No, the other baby"
"We've only got the one love, remember?"

She tuts, rolls her eyes and then turns her attentions back to watering Matty.

Leg Jigglers #1

Welcome to my new feature.
This one is all about the songs that make me want to jiggle my leg or tap my feet. Sometimes I may even indulge in a bit of fingertip tabletop keyboard or drumming and, when no-one's looking, a bit of air guitar!

Ocean Colour Scene; The Riverboat Song, heard this on my iPod today.
A definate leg jiggler.

The more observant of you may have noticed the name change!

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

I went to put Matty to bed after his night feed. I needed the missus to sort his bedding out as I was holding him.

"Gina"

Nothing

"Gina"
"Herumph?"
"Can you sort Matty's bedding out for me love?"

She gets up and sorts it out.
But, before I can put Matty down;

"Did you sort out the profile?"
"The what now?"
"The profile, you needed to sort it out"
"What you on about about you dick?"
"THE PROFILE!"
"Shush love, he's asleep! What profile?"
"Did you speak to the profile people about the profile?"
"Are you even awake love?"
"Huurm?"
"Go back to bed love, you're still asleep and talking mad at me"
"Perfrumbrum"

She climbed back into bed, I put Matty down and left the room in a confused state.

Celebrity Freak Brother

You will be well aware by now of my hatred of Big Brother. But, as I have over 700 channels of shit, I catch a minute or two of it now and then while searching for something that doesn't make me feel like boiling my head.



Is she white, black, asian or oriental?

Michael, Janet or Latoya? Nice tits though.

Scraping the barrel here were we?

I rest my case; the biggest prick in the world.

Recently Played And Completed

I did enjoy this game but, to be honest, I'm getting a bit fed up of First Person Shooters. O.K, the stories, layouts, graphics and weapons are different, but deep down it's the same thing over and over again.
Saying that, I did laugh during the end credits when it came up "No gargantuans were harmed during the making of this game".
I distinctly remember blowing several to Kingdom Come!

Need any help bruv?!!

Recently Viewed

Utter shit! I really, really used to like Lee Evans, but lately I've been seeing him as a one trick pony. Even when I watch his classic stand up routines I don't see it as funny as it used to be.

Congratulations to the makers of this film! You have done the impossible and put me off westerns. Lets just hope it's not permanent.

Now, where's my copy of "Shane"?

110 minutes of my life that will never, ever be returned. This film, is a complete and utter cunt.

I have to confess that alcohol caused me to fall asleep towards the end of this film. But, I will say that I was really enjoying it until then.

Teething Is Hell

Matty is currently teething and he's letting the whole world know about it at the top of his voice.
Any teething drugs or remedies will be greatly appreciated.
Headache cures will also go down well!

Making An Arse Of Myself With

Now look. I can't sing. Not one note.
But get a few 1664's in me and I'll duet with anyone.
So far I've sang; Shakespeare's Sister's "Stay" with Gareth, Blur's "Parklife" with the missus, Spandau Ballet's "True" with Michelle, Leo Sayer's "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" with my brother and The Police's "Don't Stand So Close To Me" with Danny. But, my favourite was when my good mate Darryn and me looked lovingly into each others eyes and sang Sonny and Cher's "I've Got You Babe".

Actually, this entry should probably come under the "More Shit Music" entries.

Happy New Year!!