What Holiday?

Why is it that, no matter how much time you've just had off, you feel exhausted when you get up to return to work?
I've just had two weeks off, I had at least eight and a half hours sleep, so why do I feel like I need a holiday already?

It's Mine Now Bitch!

This is a geography book. It was printed in 1984. It's in bad condition and worthless. Worthless that is, on the common market.
You see, this book is the subject of furious debate between my brother and me. This book was a gift to me from my nanna. He claims it was a gift to him.
The book has changed hands more times than Pete Doherty's favourite needle. Normally via foul means.
Today I liberated (stole) the book and retuned it to it's rightful owner, me.
I'm a current day Robin Hood I am!

Congrats.....

......to my bro-in-law Gary who has completed all of his Metropolitan Police training. He has his Passing Out Ceremony tomorrow.
Well done mate, we're all proud of ya!


Updated 28/04; Here's a couple of pics of the man himself.

Rest In Peace

ALAN BALL 1945 - 2007

1966; World Cup winner with England. Third from left.

Alan played for Blackpool, Everton, Arsenal and Southampton. He made 72 apperances for England.

A true football legend and charismatic guy who will be missed.

Bad Ads #2

Those 118 fuckers are gonna get it too!

Bad Ads

Sheila's Wheels, U Switch, Volvic (with Tyrannosaurus Alan), Hastings Direct, Picture The Loan, etc.
If I ever find out who is responsible for these adverts I will hunt you down and hurt you.
Really, really hurt you.

Gone

My in-laws have just moved out. They've moved into a flat in Paddington.
It was nice to have them here but I'm really glad to have the place to ourselves again.
I wish them all the best in their new home.

Happy St George's Day!

Wreck

I'm completely wrecked.
Friday; Drank too much with my dad, ate too much.
Saturday; Drank too much at my mate Darryn's while watching the footy, continued to drink too much at my sis-in-laws bbq. Obviously, I ate too much again.
Sunday; Drank and ate too much with my brother.
Right now; Bloated, de-hydrated, shaky handed, bad headed, aching bellied, furry tongued, grumpy bastard.

Back

I'm back from my weekend away.
I'll post about it later.
When I'm sober.
Maybe.

Away

I'll be away for the next few days, so don't expect an update.

Sore Arse

I went out on my bike today. Now my arse hurts. The only way I can describe it is like the feeling you get when you've been punched.
I feel like I've been punched in my arse.
That's punched, not fisted, you dirty fucko's!

Mawf Ulfwa

I've got a mouth ulcer and it really hurts. I've had it for days.
Why am I cursed with this?
The whole world is against me.

Presently Watching

These films are classic. Real, proper comedy.

Wasp

Stripy arsed fucker that flew into my living room just now and made me panic.
If they sting you it makes you pregnant with a wasp that you'll give birth to a week later. Then your baby wasp will eat your eyes and wipe its arse on your hair.
That's true that is.

Chips

I've been to Tescos today.
I couldn't find frying chips anywhere. Can you believe that all they had were oven chips. I don't mean that all the frying chips were sold out, I mean they had NONE.
Normally I cut and fry my own chips, but I like to have some in the freezer just in case. And, lets be honest, oven chips taste like shit.
Just who the fuck do Tescos think they are anyway? Are they concerned that if they sell frying chips that some stupid fat american will sue them?
This is England. We like our chips fried thank you very much.

My Cat The Murderer

My cat has killed another member of the animal kingdom.
Yesterday she brought home a bird. The bird (or so we thought) was alive and well so we set it free in the tree across the road.
Today she brought it home again, unfortunately, this time it was dead.
I can't believe that my cute little cat, called Peanut-Face, would do such a thing.

My Weekend

It started on Friday afternoon when I got touched up by a man called Mr Lobb. Friday evening we went to the pub with Gaz and 'Chelle and got shit faced.
Saturday morning I lazed around. Saturday afternoon I watched the footy on t'internet. Then went to the pub with my dad folloowed by a chinese meal and back home for more beer.
Sunday I went for a walk in Bluebell Woods with my dad.In the afternoon we lit the bbq and drank more beer. There were ten of us here and a good day was had by all.

O.K, I Stay

After considering my options over the weekend, as well as getting rat arsed on more than one occasion, I've decided to continue my blog.
I honestly didn't now if I wanted to blog anymore.
I didn't think anyone actually read the fucker but apparently they do.
As soon as I shake off this thumping head, furry tongue, blurry eyes and mouth tasting like shit, I may tell you what I did this weekend.
Or I may just get drunk again.

He Touched My Special Place

Me and the missus went to the hospital today.
You see, we're trying for a baby and we've had no luck so far.
The missus arranged to meet a consulant to see what's happening.
So along I go, thinking they'll just ask some questions and then maybe examine the missus.
But, no.
After questioning us on our lifestyle (Erm, about 8 pints a week, honestly!) he announced "O.K, I need to examine you both now."
Whoah! Examine? Me?
And so I was sent to the coldest room in the hospital and told to take my kecks down. I always thought they only said "Cough" in the movies. He had a "feel" of my testicularianisms and then told me to get dressed. The fucker, I'd only just pulled my pants up and he opened the door and marched out, leaving me standing with my jeans around my ankles and the whole waiting room looking in!
I may also be required to give a "sample" of my love magma.
Today I had my balls felt by an old man called Mr Lobb.
Thank fuck for Jack Daniels.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Should I continue my blog?
You decide.

Erm, Good Boy?

Rover!

Good boy! You came back when I called.

Now, where's Fido?

Oh, what's that you've got boy?

Recently Watched

So Close

I'm two days away from a two week holiday. The surprising thing is that the days are flying by. That's a sure sign that the holiday will be over and I'll be back to work before I know what's hit me.

Quality Film Quote #4

"There is a time to laugh and a time not to laugh, and this is not one of them."

Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau.

Typical Workplace Conversation

A conversation between myself and a foreign customer.
"Souissa."
"Sorry?"
"Souissa."
"Sorry I don't understand you."
"I want go Souissa."
"Where?"
"Souissa!"
I hand the customer an underground map.
"Show me whre you want to go."
"No, not subway. Souissa, the country! I go from Hooston"
"From Euston you mean?"
"Yes Hooston."
"And when you say 'Souissa the country', do you mean Scotland?"
"Yes, Scoutlaynd, the country."
You couldn't make this shit up.

Nose Hair Tension Pain Thingy

For the last few days I've felt like someone is pulling on one of my nose hairs. The sensation is like a permanent feeling of pain and tension.
If you want to know how it feels, just pull one hair, any hair, until it is tight. Don't pull it out, just keep the tension there.
See, not nice is it? Imagine feeling that for days.
If anyone knows the medical term for this condition could they please contact someone who gives a shit.

Bunch Of Arse(nal)!

How, the fuck can a football team have over 20 shots on goal and not score?! Bunch of overpaid, under achieving wankers!

2 Down, Only 6 To Go

Did my second of eight shifts today. As it was a bank holiday it was like working in a graveyard. I don't expect it to get any better over the weekend either.
There was no sign of my nemesis on the way home today. Perhaps he's gone away for easter.

8 Days To Go

I'm starting my 8 day week of early shifts today.
After this run I've got 2 weeks off and it can't come soon enough.

Currently Watching

Quality Film Quote #3

"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

Gladiator; Russell Crowe as Maximus to the shitty emporor Commodus.

Might As Well Read Yellow Pages

So I'm on the loo and, after a moment, it's obvious that I'm in trouble. Must've been the spicy wings I had yesterday.
Anyway, since I'm gonna be here a while I'll read something. Now, where's my Empire mag? OK, it must be outside, no worries, I'll flick through Gina's Cosmopolitan, might be a semi nude bird in the fashion bit.
No luck.
What strikes me though is the amount of adverts. And, since I'm in for the long haul I might as well count them.
116 pages out of 248 were taken up by ads, that's 46.78%!
As near as makes no difference to half.
As I said, you might as well read Yellow Pages.

Typical

It's been nice weather for the last few days. Could it last just one extra day so that I can enjoy a rest day in the sun?
Will it fuck.

Quality Film Quote #2

"You're a big man, but you're in bad shape. With me it's a full time job. Now, behave yourself."
Get Carter; Michael Caine as Jack Carter to a rather large henchman in the pub.

Quality Film Quote

"Your mother was an animal ya son of a bitch!"
Raging Bull; Robert De Niro as Jake La Motta to a neighbour.

Last Shift Of The Week

It's a stunning day outside and I've gotta go to work. Still, at least it's the last one!

Which Is It?

What is the greatest "sit-com" of all time?
Don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of sentimental FOOLS out there.
Only Fools And Whorses is no where near as funny as Blackadder or even Red Dwarf.
So, in summary, if you like "only whores" then don't post your opinion here.
Seriously, I grew up very near Peckham and people don't talk like that.
"Luverly Jubberly"
Prick.

Just Ordered