Oi! Fuckwit! Try This!

If you look down by your left hip, you'll see a small red button. Press the red button and your seatbelt will dis-engage. Remove your seatbelt.
Now, look to your right. Somewhere on the door is a small lever, pull it. The door moved a little didn't it? Yes, now push the door and it will fully open.
If you look down, you'll see two long bendy things. These are called legs. Swing your legs to your right and out of the door you just opened. Push yourself forward and upwards so that your weight is fully on your legs.
Now, here comes the tricky part.
Swing your left leg forwards.
And now your right leg forwards.
Now your left.
And again with the right.
This is called walking. Continue to walk until you reach the door of the person you are trying to collect.
Make your hand into a fist and knock firmly on the door and await a reply.

With practice, you'll be able to carry out this proceedure in less than a minute.

Im sure you'll agree, this is substantially less time than the 6-7 minutes you spent repeatedly beeping your fucking horn!

Planning To Play Tonight

Saying Goodbye To Peanut-Face

We're taking our beloved cat Peanut-Face to be re-homed today.
Unfortunately, I've developed an allergy to cats, despite having them all my life. The constant allergy attacks and blowing my nose has made me develop bleeding nasal polyps. I've had to have several painful cauterization sessions in an attempt to cure them.
She's a really good cat and we'll all miss her terribly. I hope she finds a good family who will show her as much love and get as much pleasure out of her as we have.
See ya Peanie XXX.

The 33

There's a collapsed mine in Chile big enough to fit 33 people. I suggest these fuckers are sent down and sealed in.

1; Alan Carr
2; Katie Jordan Price Jordan
3; Alex Reid
4; Kerry Katona
5; Ashley Cole
6; Cheryl Cole
7; Boris Johnson
8; David Cameron
9: The 'Go Compare' Singer
10; Neil Hamilton
11; Christine Hamilton
12; Gary Glitter
13; Tara Palmer Tomkinson
14; Piers Morgan
15; Hugh Grant
16; Lindsay Lohan
17; Jeremy Kyle
18; Lady Ga Ga
19; Bono
20; Paris Hilton
21; Robbie Williams
22; Heather Mills
23; Davina McCall
24; Robert Mugabe
25; Barry Scott (Bang & the cunt is gone)
26; Kim Jong Il
27; Fabio Capello
28; George W Bush
29; Michael Winner
30; Gordon Brown
31; Madonna
32; David Gest
33; George Michael

I was so surprised how easy this list was to make, I even made a standby list incase any of the cunts above die.

34; Steve McClaren
35; Julia Roberts
36; Mark Lawrenson
37; Pete Doherty
38; Adrian Chiles
39; Britney Spears
40; The Go Compare Advert Creator

Feel free to add your own, I'm not too fussed how cramped it gets down there!

Tonight's Dinner

All Hail, The Return Of;

Just Pre-Ordered