She's Mad I Tells Ya

This one came from my mum tonight. She was in the back of our car, telling us what she'd brought back from her trip to france.

"I've brought a sausage back."
"What, just one sausage?"
"Yeah, a garlic sausage."
"Just the one?"
"Well, half a whole one."
"What do you mean 'Half a whole one'? Either it's a half or it's a whole one mum."
"It's half a garlic sausage, you know, the big ones."
"Oh, I've got you now."
"Yeah, I've brought two of them back."
"What? Wait, hang on a minute. Are you telling me you've brought two half garlic sausages back, or two whole sausages back?"
"Two, half sausages."
"Then you've brought a whole one back. Fuckin hell mum, you're hard work!"

Recently Viewed

This film was right up my street. Really enjoyed it.

BIG YAWN!

Yeah, I enjoyed this one. Kind of a flip on the alien visiting earth type thing.

After 5 minutes, I turned to the missus and said "I bet DiCaprio is the real nutter."

I was right!

I remember seeing this film as a kid. It's still not funny.

Here We Go Again!

The missus is up the duff again!
Yay me and my super sperm.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Sometimes my participation isn't the mad part of the customer interaction

"Morning."
"Hello, my mum's here for the next few days and I want to get her a Pay-As-You-Go Oyster card."
"Sure, no problem. It's £3 deposit for the card, plus the amount you want to add on."
"Can I put £10 on please?"
"Yep, that'll be £13 in total then please."

The customer pays and we say thanks to each other.
Before leaving, the woman turns to her mum, smiles, hands her the Oyster card and says;

"Here, Happy Mother's Day you old cow!"

The timing was perfect and I nearly fell of my chair laughing.

Pipe

I'm thinking of investing in a pipe.
I don't smoke and I'm not going start, but I believe that owning a pipe will make me smarter.