Waiting To See

View the trailer.

Success!

I had a comment posted on Holy Holy's world famous "Cunts Corner".
It relates to an earlier post on this site.
Click here.

Sleeplessness (Is That A Word?)

Why is it that I can struggle to keep my eyes open all day and yet when I go to bed I'm wide awake?
Why?
Hmmm?
Why?

Grrrrrrrrr! (Again)

My neighbour is still having her roof done and it's beginning to seriously fuck me off. It is currently 7:30pm and they're still up there!
I'm trying to watch The Simpsons you bunch of inconsiderate cunts!

Spunktastic

Had an appointment with my nemesis Mr Lobb yesterday. If you don't remember what he did to me last time, click here.
The results of my wank test were in. He had to phone the lab for the figures and while he was on the phone he started grinning. I thought "Here we go, he's gonna tell me I'm a jaffa." But, no.
Apparently, my Harry Monk is well above average in all areas.
Fantastic!

Recently Viewed

Recently Read

This book won several awards. Although I enjoyed it, I felt it was a bit over-rated.

Oh, Villa We Love You!

Damn straight!

O-mazing Grace

I want this fella to perform at my funeral!

Typical Workplace Conversation

A trampy young woman approaches my window.
"Ave you got a Nokia charger?"
"No"
"Ave you got a Nokia phone?"
"No"
"I need to get a number out my phone"
"I can't help you, sorry"
"You sure you aint got a Nokia phone or charger?"
"Positive. I use my Sony Ericsson charger to charge my Sony Ericsson phone"
"Why?"
"Because I have a Sony Ericsson charger and a Sony Ericsson phone"
"No, I mean why don't you have a Nokia charger?"
"Because this is London Underground, not The Carphone Warehouse"
"What? No, I wanna charge my phone"
"And you want London Underground to do it for you?"
"Yeah"
"Well, it aint gonna happen"
"Why not?"
"Are you off your rocker or what? This an Underground station. More often than not we deal with transport and transport alone"
"So you aint got a Nokia charger?"
"Fuck off!"

Happy Birthday!

To my sister-in-law Emma.
Yes, the one who's scared of ketchup and can't spell C.D.

As It Reads

Following the death of Antonio Puerta of Sevilla, I'd like to send my best wishes to Clive Clarke of Leicester City.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

According to my missus, the words to a very famous song are;
"In the jungle
the tiny jungle
the lion sleeps tonight"
Not the mighty jungle?
No, there's a couple of spider monkeys and a disgruntled stoat, that's it.
Tiny when you think about it!

Recently Viewed

Watched this with the missus last night. It even brought a tear to my eye. Of course, the missus will tell you that I sobbed like a new born baby.
Which I didn't.
Seriously, I didn't.
Honest.
Bollocks.

Happy Birthday!

To my fiancee Georgina who is 27 today.

Farewell Ole!

I don't normally praise anything to do with Man U, but, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is one the most under-rated players ever. You never read about his life in the papers. He got on with his job efficiently without causing a fuss. In my opinion, he's up there with Bergkamp and Zola.
Well, maybe not Bergkamp!

Typical Workplace Conversation

"Excuse me, we're going to the Notting Hill Carnival, can we get to Ladbroke Grove station from here?"
"Normally yes, but Ladbroke Grove is closed all weekend beceause of the carnival. Go to Bayswater, Latimer Road or Westbourne Park instead."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You're really sure?"
"Yes."
He turns to his missus and whispers something. She walks over.
"Are you sure Ladbroke Grove is closed?"
"Yes."
"It's definitely closed, you're sure of that?"
"I may look like a monkey who has been stratigically shaved and dressed in an Underground uniform, but I can definitely confirm that Ladbroke Grove station is closed."

One Month To Go.....

....till the big Three - Oh!

Desperately Awaiting

Due for release on the 24th September. 3 days before my 30th birthday.
It's good to know I'll have 3 days to rock out before I "mature."

Foo Fighters - Stairway To Heaven

Fellow Led Zep fans won't know if they should laugh or cry. I laughed until around 4 mins when Dave (God) Grohl proved what a talent he is.

Foo Fighters - The Pretender

Rocking at their very best!

What A Dick!

BBC News reader;
"On to the results of the Barclays Premier League. Match Of The Day follows the news so, if you don't want to know the results, you should look away now. Arsenal ended Manchester City's fine opening run of the season with a 1-0 win.........."
Why the fuck did you tell everyone to look away from the screen and then read out the entire day's scores? Did you think you were reading the news to the deaf?
Dick.

Aaaarrgh! Those Eyes!

Yesterday I served a woman and her daughter. The little girl was no more than 4 or 5 years old. As she approached my window she stopped talking with her mother, mid-sentance, and just stared at me with the scariest eyes I've ever seen. She stared at me for the entire transaction, then resumed her conversation exactly where she'd left it. It was like The Village Of The Damned or something, I felt quite intimidated.

The Big Three Oh

In 36 days time I will be 30 years old.
I'm not sure how I feel about it to be honest.
Part of me feels that it's the end of my reckless youth. The other part tells me that it's high time I grew up.
The missus has decided to arrange a huge party for me, although I said I'd prefer a quiet meal alone with her.
She's invited over 80 people. I didn't know I even knew that many people!
I'm gonna need a bigger house!

GRRRRR!

Both of my neighbours are having their flat roofs replaced.
This means that I'll be waking up at 8am. Not normally a major problem, but I'm on late shifts this week and the thought of being awaken at this time doesn't fill me with joy. The further thought of spending the whole day with banging in my ears before heading off for an evening of work is just too much to bear.

Classic Monty Python

Dead Pigeon, Sunday Night

He's not pining! He's passed on! This pigeon is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PIGEON!!

Yes I know, I've copied the Monty Python parrot sketch and substituted pigeon for parrot, but it's still funny!

Local Footy

Bell Close, The home of Leighton Town F.C.

Pie, is there a better footy snack? I doubt it.

I've been meaning to see Leighton Town play since I moved up here, I've just never got around to it due to shift work and various other shit excuses. Tonight was a local derby, the opponents being Aylesbury United. The final score was 1-1, both goals coming in the first half. Leighton were unlucky to have a goal ruled out just before half time and then went on to dominate the second half.

So, in summary, Leighton will see this as 2 points dropped and Chris Kamara is a twat.

Back to John in the studio.

Curently Listening To

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

While walking from the car to the cinema, the missus was talking about how cold it seemed lately.
"It seems to have got really chippy lately."
Chippy?
I'll have a saveloy, chips and curry sauce please.

Viewed Tonight

Brilliant, the best action film I've seen since 300. The Algerian fight scene is one of the best cinematic punch-ups ever.

THE most pointless film ever made.

EVER.

Open Letter To Jens Lehmann

Dear Mr Lehmann,
I understand that it is the beginning of the season and you may not be fully fit yet. I also understand that, in the last couple of years, our defence has been a bit lacking at times. Further more, I'm aware that in the last 3 years we've let several fantastic players leave the club.
But, at some point this season, it would be great if you didn't add to our woes, making a complete knob jockey of yourself and gifting the opposition with a goal.
Thank you.

Come On City!

Sorry Gaz, it just had to be done.

Quality TV

Recently Viewed

Predictable.

Just Ordered

One of these.
Well, I couldn't keep playing the PS3 on a regular telly!

Not Sure I Should Laugh At This

Recently Viewed

A great film, Forest Whitaker fully deserved his Oscar.

Finished Reading

Outstanding.

More Shit Music

The truth be told
the truth be told
I'm worried about the future holds
the future holds
I'm starting
to worry
about Ray

The truth be told is that this song is shit.

Woo Hoo!

I won a tenner on the Lottery!

Typical Workplace Conversation

I despair with some customers, I really do.
"Can I have a return to Wembley please?"
"£5.70 please."
"I've got a Young Persons Railcard."
"£4.80 please."
"I've got an Oyster card."
"£4.00 please."
"I've got a zone 2 to 4 Travelcard on it."
"£3.00."
"I've already got £1 on it."
"£2.00"
"How do I get there?"
"Go up to the gates......"
"Then what?"
"Go through the gates......"
"Then?"
"Go to platform one......"
"And then?"
"Take the Metropolitan Line."
"Could you not have told me in one go?"
"Annoying isn't it!?"

Your Sunday Prayer

Praise be for the return of football.
Thank thee for providing Sunderland with the strength and wisdom to beat Spurts on the opening day of the season.
Amen.

Recently Viewed

A proper pile of old shit!

The Blame Game

This is our new clock. Quite cool, I'm sure you'll agree.
But, who is resposible for the old clock breaking?
Is it;
Person A; Who hung the heavy, glass fronted clock on a completely inadequate tiny nail.
Person B; Who tried to turn the light off with their elbow, thus causing a small vibration up the wall, causing the said light (did I mention it was heavy, glass fronted and hanging on an inadequate tiny nail?) to fall and smash.
Person C; It was a ghost and James is in no way, shape or form, resposible.

Internet Wankers

"Are you sure you want to log out?"
Of course I'm sure, that's why I fucking clicked on the "log out" icon.
Twats.

Quality Film Quote #17

Jimmy 'Popeye' Doyle "All right! You put a shiv in my partner. You know what that means? Goddammit! All winter long I got to listen to him gripe about his bowling scores. Now I'm gonna bust your ass for those three bags and I'm gonna nail you for picking your feet in Poughkeepsie."

Currently Watching

Interesting Fact

Horses can't vomit.
Fact.

I Told You....

.....I didn't know if I was coming or going.
This afternoon I left for work slightly late and had to rush to the station to catch the 12:08 train. I arrived at the station with a minute to spare but was somewhat confused by the lack of said train being present on the departures board.
I looked to my left.
No-one.
I looked to my right.
No-one.
Only then did it dawn on me that my train time for monday to friday is actually 12:38. The 12:08 is the one I catch on a saturday when I start earlier.
And so I sat on the platform.
Reading my book.
Out of breath.
For half an hour.
For no fucking reason.
What a dick I am!

Coming Or Going?

I don't know what I'm doing at the moment.
A double shift after only 5 hours sleep can really fuck you up!

Bad Hair Day

This is what will happen to you if you ask my missus to help cut your hair. Because of her inability to shave in a straight line you'll have to shave it all off.
So now I look like a fat criminal thug.
Great.

Interesting Fact

The following words have no other words that rhyme with them;
Month
Orange
Silver
Purple

Just Read / About To Read

Vengeance is the book that inspired the film "Munich", it's controversial but I believe the accounts to be true.

I aint read this one yet so I don't know why you scrolled down here to see what I'd write.

Porno Flies

Why Fly?

While we're on the subject of flies, why is a fly called a fly?
It can't be because it can fly, otherwise we'd have to call a bird a fly too.
And fish would need to be called swims.

Interesting Fact

I had a conversation with my brother on sunday about flies. He was wondering; if a fly has many eyes and it was to wink at you, would it wink with half of it's eyes or just one of them?
So, I did some research and it turns out that flies don't have any eyelids.
Fact.

Listening To

Alan Carr

You complete and utter cunt!
Why don't you fuck off you camp, annoying prick?!

Living Room - Start Of Day 1

Living Room - Start Of Day 2

Living Room - Start Of Day 3

Living Room - End Of Day 4

She's Mad (As Well), I Tell Ya!

While indulging in a spot of pub lunch on sunday, I pointed the tomato ketchup at my sister-in-law Emma and pretended that I was gonna squeeze it all over her. I was completely stunned by the look of terror on her face and how she said;

"Please don't, I've got a real phobia of ketchup!"

How the fuck can anyone be scared of ketchup?

Back To Work (For A Rest!)

I start my lates today. 7 shifts of grief.

S'cuse......

.....the lack of updates since thursday. I've been decorating the living room.
"That shouldn't take 4 days." I hear you say, well my front room is 24* foot long so I beg to differ!
I might put some pictures up if I can be arsed.

Sorry, just measured it again, it's 27 foot long. No wonder my shoulders hurt!

Just Seen

This film is so funny and this clip had me in hysterics. The missus had to elbow me in the ribs to stop me laughing so loud.

Currently Watching.....

....The Simpsons Movie special on Sky One.
They'd better not be showing all the best bits!

Our Simpsons Doubles

Me; The Missus;

Click on the link to create your own character. http://www.simpsonsmovie.com/main.html

Holiday; Day 13 - Fannie

Apparently they have stores worldwide.
I'd like two regulars and a bucket please.

Farewell Freddie

Thank you and good luck to Freddie Ljungberg who joined West Ham today. He was invaluable to the Gooners for years. Especially the 2001/2002 season when he more or less one the double for us single handed. Injuries impaired his last few seasons.
Your hair's not red anymore, in fact there's not much of it, but we'll always love you!

FUCK OFF!

You can stand under my umbrella
Ella ella eh eh eh
Under my umbrella
Ella ella eh eh eh
Under my umbrella
Ella ella eh eh eh
Under my umbrella
Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE RIHANNA FUCK OFF!

PLEASE.

Booked Tickets To See

Can't wait!

Me And My Monkey

Some "entertainer" sang this song while we were in Portugal, much to the amusement of Gaz, 'Chelle and myself.
I will always despise Robbie Williams, but this is well worth a gander.

Contemplating Buying

Assassins Creed

Interesting Fact

You don't have to be a bowler to wear a bowler hat.

Currently Reading

Recently Read

Brilliant.

Holiday Diary

Below is a selection of holiday moments.
It will mostly be a few words so if you want to know more leave a comment.

Day 2; Invented UNO Spank.

Day 3; Gaz's eyebrows turned ginger.

Day 4; First shit of the holiday.

Day 5; Gaz "Dogs can smell cancer"
Me "Do we still need CAT scans then?"

Day 6; The Bonnie Tyler incident.

Day 7; "Salamander"

Day 8; Jeep safari with no animals.

Day 11; Card cheats.

Day 12; Pig dream.

Day 13; Fannie.

Day 14; Aye.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to our beloved cat Peanut-Face who is 2 today.

I Mean It This Time!

Unless I have internet access while in Portugal, this will be my last post for 2 weeks.
Have no fears though, I will keep a diary while on holiday and let you know of any high jinx and shenanigans when I return.

Recently Watched

A good film.

Disapointing.

Arsenal's New Boy

But will he cut it the Premier League? I hope so.

Holiday

It's unlikely that I'll update for the next 2 weeks as I'll be in Portugal getting drunk.

My Cat The Dog

I went to the corner shop tonight to pick up a few bevvies and my cat followed me all the way there and back.
This is not the first time it's happened either. The first time she did it, I thought it was a one off. Since then she's done it about 8 times.
So, I must be one of the few people in the world to take their cat for a walk.
Miaow.

Interesting Fact

The British version of the Mars bar is different from America.
Their version does not contain caramel and is exactly the same as our Milky Way.

Ouch!