5:10 To Euston

Not to be confused with the film "3:10 To Yuma", the 5:10 to Euston is a train that never departs on time.
In fact, I've never even known this train to be within sight of the station, let alone waiting on the platform at 5:10.
I'm grumpy enough going to work at this time in the morning, but this always pisses me off further.
Train times are obviously just suggestions to London Midland.
Tossers.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Some customers don't know in what order the days of the week are.
"Can you tell me when my ticket runs out please?"
I check his card details.
"It runs out on wednesday night mate."
"So can I use it on thursday?"
"Apparently not. You see thursday is the day after wednesday. Unfortunately, this means that your ticket won't be valid the day after it expires."

Daylight Saving

All I know is that someone to do with the something, at the somewhere, at somepoint in history, means I lost an hours sleep.
Click here for more info.
I won't be reading it, I'm far too tired.

Espresso Explosion Burns

The pictures aren't as clear as I'd like, but you get the idea.

Recently Ordered

A Bialetti, 3 cup espresso pot.
I love espressos and this is the proper way to make them, on the cooker, in a pot.
My old espresso machine tried to kill me this afternoon. The pressure built up too much and sent the bit that holds the coffee flying. This has resulted in a burnt right hand, a broken espresso cup, a hell of a lot of cleaning up to do and a free plug socket is now available where the machine used to be.
If I hadn't moved quickly enough a trip tp A&E would have been needed. As it is, the area between my thumb and index finger has three blisters and the finger next to the little one has a blister between the top two knuckles.
Ouch.

King Cobra

Comes in a 750ml bottle at 8% alc volume.
A bit too fizzy for my liking, but at around three quarters of the bottle down you forget about most things.

Mead Open Farm

I taked my neece to the farm and deez are the anamuls wot I sawd;

A sheep and newborn lamb.

Bunny rabbits.

Piggy.

Goat.

Fuckaducks.

A big fat ass.

I have no idea what this mother-fucker is supposed to be!

And a great big cock.

New Chair

We bought a new chair for the computer today.
Well, it's not for the computer, that's on a desk.
The chair is for us. I figured that if I'm gonna spend so much time entertaining my millions of readers, I might as well do it in comfort.

Homer Knows Best # 7

"Why does stuff that happens to stupid people keep happening to me?"

Cheeky Git

I popped into Homebase to pick up a couple of bits for the house.
At the exit was a bloke promoting the local gym. He obviously looked at my slightly (ahem) podgy waistline.
"Hello sir, would you like to join the gym?"
"No sir,would you like a fat lip?"
Luckily he saw the funny side and we both laughed.

Oops

This is our new catflap. The old one broke as it was permanently being wedged open as our beloved Peanut-Face was too lazy to push it open herself.
I was determined that this wouldn't be the case with the new one.
I've made it my mission this week to teach Peanut-Head how to use it.
While trying to force her through, I encountered some resistance. I assumed she was pushing back with her front paws so I changed my grip.
Now I was holding her so she couldn't push back, still I encountered resistance.
Not to be outdone by a catflap I pushed harder, to the point where Peanut hissed and growled at me. I let her go thinking something was wrong with the catflap.
On inspection it appeared that I hadn't unlocked it and for the last minute I had been ramming my cats skull into a locked flap.
She seems to be avoiding me at the moment.

Little Cow

My niece Emily is getting far too clever.
This weekend she stayed with my brother and told him that her tooth fell out during the week. My brother asked if the Tooth Fairy visited her but she replied "No, my mummy says the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to her house."
My brother and his missus thought this was a bit unfair of Emily's mother and both slipped a quid under Em's pillow while she slept.
The next morning they were pleased to see Emily smiling very broadly and only then noticed that no teeth actually appeared to be missing.
On further inspection this was indeed the case, my niece had pulled a fast one.
When asked why she'd lied she said "I just wanted the money."
She's only five.
Mind you, this could say something for our kid's intelligence as he failed to check before giving her the money.
If you're reading this Paul, my leg fell off this morning. That's gotta be worth a monkey!

Currently Reading

This book only arrived this morning and I've already got through 60 pages. I cannot seem to put it down, despite doing numerous jobs around the house.
So far there is very little similarity to the recent film but that makes the book all the more enjoyable as I don't know what's around the corner.
My bro-in-law Gary recommended this book to me and I recommend it to you.
Except you Gary, you've read it already.

Merry.....Erm......Easter?

7:00pm 21st March 1998

Ten years ago today, my life changed.
Someone came into my life on a permanent basis and has made me the man I am.
It was a friday, 7pm and she walked through the doors of The Thornbury Castle pub on Enford Street, Westminister.
We'd known each other for a few years before, but I'd waited until we were a bit older before I asked her out. You see, I knew she was the one from the moment I set eyes on her and I didn't want to ruin it with a meaningless childhood snog.
She wore a stunning black dress with a flower pattern going up the left (her left) hand side, I wore a sickening (hindsight is a fucker!) green and black Ben Sherman shirt.
I was limping because I'd come off of my football injury caused crutches early for the date. Some might say that this is the reason I never played again. I gave up the game I loved for her!
I took her to an Italian restaurant on Baker Street. She had lasagne and I had steak. I thought I was cool because I payed by cheque! Debit cards were not that popular then.
We went to the cinema and saw As Good As It Gets. At the end of it we kissed for the first time. In the darkness our teeth clashed, but only gently.
I walked her home and we kissed again before she left me for the evening.
I was high as a kite, overjoyed, elated, on cloud nine, over the moon, ecstatic, I could go on forever.
Since our first date a hell of a lot has happened in our lives. Some good some tragic, but it's made us what we are today.
Right now we have a mortgage, a cat called Peanut-Face and most importantly, we are expecting our first child in September.
I know that I wouldn't be the man I am today without her love, encouragement, influence and inspiration. All that I am and have, I owe to her............
Kronenbourg 1664 - She Makes You A Man.
I'm kidding of course.
Gina, when you read this, I love you so much. Every day I picture us with our future child and I think;
"I did fuckin' well there!"
Happy 10th Anniversary my love.

Recently Viewed

Not a good idea to watch this on the train. When you jump (and you will) you'll get strange looks from your fellow commuters.


A horror/thriller cheese fest. Don't bother. My eyes were aching from the amount of rolling they did.

A Sinister Plot Emerges

Following my previous post regarding the theft of my boot laces, I can't find my DVD lens cleaner either.
Nor could I find a sock from the tumble drier the other day.
There is a thief at large, so devious that the world has never known such crimes against humanity.
We must find this individual and bring them to justice.
If you see someone with a DVD lens cleaner held around their neck with boot laces and wearing nothing but a solitary sock, contact Crimestoppers now.

You Fuckers!

Which one of you fucknuts has stolen my spare bootlaces?
They were in my cupboard in the kitchen, by the sink and one of you'se has sneaked in and taken them.
Now I've got a pair of boots, only one of which has a lace.
Thanks very much!

Homer Knows Best # 6

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Recently Played And Completed

This game is what the PS3 is all about.
Seamless gameplay, not a single loading screen.
And the graphics, my god the graphics! The water looks so realistic that you could easily ram your head through the T.V trying to dive into it.
Outstanding, highly recommended, if you don't own a PS3 then you should consider selling a kidney to get one just to play this game.
If this is a taste of what's to come then, well, erm, words fail me.