Typical Workplace Conversation

Three Australian women come to my window.

"Hi, we'd like three tickets for the whole day please."
"No probs, where will you be travelling today?"
They consult for what feels like half of my shift.
"Oh, just London."
"O.K, London's a big city. If you could be a bit more specific, I may be able to save you some money."
They consult for what seems like the rest of my shift.
"Just inner London, zones 1&2 should be great."
"O.K, that'll be £15.90 please."
"No worries. How much is this note?"
"That's £5, you'll need more than that I'm afraid"
"Oh, sorry. Our money's different back home. How much is this note?"
"That's £10, again you'll need more."
"Right, gosh the money's so different here. What's this one?"
"That's a £20 note. That will cover it."
The transaction takes place and they get their change.
"Wow, it's so complicated with English money because it's different to ours."
"I know. And the fact we share the same language and numbers doesn't help either."

Homer Knows Best #2

Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

More Shit Music

Scouting For Girls; Elvis Aint Dead.

But I wish it was me you chose
I wish it was me you chose
I wish it was me you chose
I wish it was me you chose
cause Elvis ain't dead
and you're coming back
and Elvis ain't dead
and you're coming back
Oh

Elvis IS dead and she's not coming back because you're so fucking stupid.
Oh and by the way, how would you perform a "love lobotomy" anyway?
Pricks.

Paul Got Fingered

While my brother was waiting to have his appendix removed, the doctor decided to do a rectal examination. After he had, erm, assumed the position the doctor, erm, inserted herself into him. Below is how my brother described the conversation with the doctor.

"Are you ready?"
"(Reluctantly) Yes."
"O.K (inserts finger). Does that feel normal?"
"I can't really say, I've never had a finger up there before."
"Do you feel any pain or dis-comfort?"
"It's not painful but I do feel un-comfortable with a finger up my arse!"

I love him so much!
But, I have no doubt he will try to kill me after seeing that I've blogged this!

Get Well Soon Bro!

Yet again my brother has been admitted to hospital. This time it's with suspected appendicitis (yes, I checked the spelling). If it is appendicitis (there's that long word again), then he'll be operated on tonight.
I obviously wish him well and apologise for not being able to be with him due to work commitments and exhaustion.

19:20; Update; It is confirmed appendicitis. He'll having it removed tonight sometime after 8pm.

22:13; In surgery.

23:05; Everything went well and he's in recovery ward.

Homer Knows Best #1

Homer: When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Sleep Is For Ladyboys

It's 04:10 and I'm wide awake I don't need to be up until 06:30 but it's the first early shift after lates and I always have trouble adjusting.
One good thing about being up this early is that I had plenty of time to dick around on t'internet.
I've just signed into MySpace for the first time in ages and there was a bulliten from the Foo Fighters announcing that their blog is up and running. There is a link in the "Blogs I Read" section.

Shiny, Shiny New Phone!

High definition screen.
Ultra slim sliding design.
5 mega pixel camera.

Damn sexy!

5 Fucking 1?

The following football players need to be shot in the face;

Alexander Hleb (we were in red tonight)
Gilberto Silva (great headless chicken impression)
Nicklas Bendtner (wrong goal you cunt)
William Gallas (try clearing the ball at some point)
Theo Walcott (play to your potential or fuck off back to Southampton)
Robbie Savage (I know he don't play for Arsenal but he's still a cunt)

And a message to Spurs fans;

Congratulations, your first victory over Arsenal since 1999. It came against a second string side, you must be very proud.

I am now going to get very, very drunk.

Interesting Fact

Upsetting badgers was a popular sport in the 90's. The most popular way to upset a badger was to throw Werther's Originals at them.
Badger Upsetting has been illegal since 1999 after that old cunt from the Werther's Original advert complained to parliament about the "Un-natural waste of a jolly good sweet."
Probably.

At The Car Wash

I went to the car wash today, obviously.

Egg, Beach, Fry Adventure

Just found this video on my computer. I'd completely forgotten about it as it's a couple of years old.

The short story is; A colleague found out that I was going to Greece to see relatives. He said that when he was a kid, his teacher had been to greece and said it was so hot you could fry an egg on the beach. I pointed out that it would be in the middle of november and I'd be staying by the mountains but he wanted me to try anyway.

So here it is, me trying to fry an egg by the beach in Aigio in mid-november. It's filmed using a mobile phone so put up or shut up.

Typical Workplace Conversation

So, the customers (there were many) walk past the station entrance which is half closed.
"Hmm, I wonder what that means?"

They go down a few steps and see the first notice board.
"Planned engineering, station is closed. Surely that's not meant for me."

They turn to their left and see the second set of station gates are three quarters closed.
"I wonder why those gates are closed like that? Never mind, I've got a tube to catch."

Customer goes to the gates and sees another sign.
"This station is closed due to planned engineering works. Ooh, that's two gates partially closed and two six foot high notice boards trying to send me a message. It's too bad I'm as thick as pig shit. It's getting late, I'd better get my train."
Customer approaches a member of staff; me.
"Are the trains running o.k?"
"No, it's suspended for engineering works all weekend."
"Oh, is this station closed then?"
"Yes."
"You could have put a notice up to stop people coming down here."
"Yes, we erm, really, really should do that."
"Are you being sarcastic?"
"Not at all. When you re-trace your steps to exit the station please look around for hidden clues suggesting that this station could be closed."

Leighton Town 3 - 0 Romulus

The mighty Leighton Town easily beat Romulus by three goals to nil.
I did have a couple of pictures but I managed to delete them from my phone before I could upload them.
Romulus, what kind of name is that anyway? Sounds like a washing machine to me.

I'm As Hard As Fucking Nails!

25

Meet Michigan Singles

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

The missus returns from her night shift and climbs into bed with me.

"Can I have the T.V remote please?"
"Don't put the telly on love, I'm trying to sleep."
"But I need it on, it helps me un-wind."
"So why don't you watch telly in the front room?"
"Because I want to lay down."
"You can lay on the sofa."
"I'm not laying on the sofa, I'll get a limp in my neck."

Caution - Wide Load

Can whoever it is that sells small motorbikes and mopeds to fat people please stop immediately. I was stuck behind one today and it was the worst 5 minutes of a journey I've ever had.

Sometimes Time Off Is A Pain

I'm in the middle of 9 days annual leave.
I was terminally ill for the first 2, laying the front room floor for the next 2 and now I'm completely bored.
The missus is on night shifts tonight, tomorrow and thursday so I'll be alone for the most part.
It's pissing down outside so I'm not going out.
I've completed Guitar Heroes 3 on easy setting and am not brave enough to try a harder level.
I'm utterly, utterly bored stiff.
I'm gonna have to get drunk to null the boredom.
Although, I do stupid things when I'm in this kind of mood.

BOREDOM
+
BOOZE
+
NO GINA TO KEEP AN EYE ON ME
=
NO PUBES IN THE MORNING

It's the circle of life and she's got no-one to blame but herself.

D.I.Why?

Even if I'm ill I can't escape from the missus.
I've started laying the new floor in the living room. It looks exaclty the same as the old floor to me (wood) but apparantly I'm a;
"Fucking idiot, it's completely different"
Not a nice way to speak to someone who's hardly eaten for three days and spent far too much time in the bog, I'm sure you'll agree.
So there I was, today, on my hands and knees, laying a floor, tolerating abuse, de-hydrated and suffering from malnutrition.
Feel free to offer a sympathetic comment.

You've Been Framed

Order of clips;

*Middle aged drunk person falls over while dancing like a fool at a wedding.
*Maddie look-a-like is knocked over by some waves on a beach.
*Three teenagers perform a planned "accident".
*Baby pulls a funny face.
*Funny animal clip.
*Middle aged drunk person falls off of a trampoline.
*A clip that isn't funny enough for the american version, starring american people, doing american things and isn't funny enough for the U.K version.
*Another funny animal clip.
*Too many middle aged drunk people get on a table and it collapses.

Et cetera, et-fucking-cetera.

Arse Piss

I was o.k until around 3:30 this afternoon when the, erm, "floodgates" opened.
I have now completely wiped my arsehole away.

BLEAURGH!

I spent a large part of yesterday driving the porcelain bus.
With one hand placed on either side of the toilet bowl I puked until I could puke no more.
Then I did puke some more.
And then a bit more.
I don't know if it was food poisoning or that virus that's going around. What I do know is that after several hours of sickness and body wrenching pains I wished I was dead. I just laid on the sofa all day, drifting in and out of sleep, wishing the missus was around to mop my brow. I can't remember having ever slept, or puked so much.
I send my apologies to the Mileseses (or whatever the plural is) for not attending Teresa's birthday bash last night, you all know I'd never willingly turn down a chance to get lashed with you!
Anyway, I feel better today. Still a bit sickly but no puking.
Yet.

Cheque Mate

I bank with Abbey, I always have. My parents set up an account for me when I was a small child. As I grew up I stayed loyal and kept my banking with them as I'd never encountered any problems.
Until now.
Last wednesday I put 2 cheques totalling £100 in an envelope and paid them in using the cheque payments box. It's now thursday, eight days later, and only one of the cheques has been paid in.
So where has the second cheque gone?
I'll be heading to Abbey for a fight this afternoon.

Quality Film Quote 25

Mr. White; When you're dealing with a store like this, they're insured up the ass. They're not supposed to give you any resistance whatsoever. If you get a customer, or an employee, who thinks he's Charles Bronson, take the butt of your gun and smash their nose in. Everybody jumps. He falls down screaming, blood squirts out of his nose, nobody says fucking shit after that. You might get some bitch talk shit to you, but give her a look like you're gonna smash her in the face next, watch her shut the fuck up. Now if it's a manager, that's a different story. Managers know better than to fuck around, so if you get one that's giving you static, he probably thinks he's a real cowboy, so you gotta break that son of a bitch in two. If you wanna know something and he won't tell you, cut off one of his fingers. The little one. Then tell him his thumb's next. After that he'll tell you if he wears ladies underwear. I'm hungry. Let's get a taco.

Tiredness Can Kill

I am extremely tired right now.
I may kill anyone who irritates me.

"FUCKING HELL! FOR FUCKS SAKE!"

The missus is playing "Ratchet and Clank" on the PS3 in the living room.
It doesn't appear that she's doing very well as the title of this post is being shouted frequently.
Now she knows how I feel when I die during gameplay.
"It's only a game love!"
"Fuck off back to your blog!"
"Yes love. Sorry love"

All Change

The missus has re-arranged every thing.
Everything.
It's very nice indeed, we have lots more space in the living room. Although, space was never an issue as the living room is 27 feet long.
The problem (and you sensed there'd be one didn't you?) is that the P.C is now in the spare bedroom.
No more Sky Sports news in the background for me then.

More Shit Music

Fiest - One, Two, Three, Four

123456 9 or 10
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
1234569 or 10
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

No, but money can buy you a maths tutor to help with your counting you thick cunt.

Where's The Snow?

After recent forcasts and speculation by various people, I was expecting to wake up this morning to 10 feet of snow.

"We're in for some snow tonight."

"It's gonna snow today."

They all said.

So, when my alarm clock woke me up to the tune of "Hey Jude", I was so excited (who doesn't love snow?). The first thing I did was look out of the window.

Nothing!

Not a thing!

Not even a layer of frost.

There'd better be snow on the ground tomorrow or someone's in for a beating.

Recently Played & Completed

An enjoyable game. Repetative in places, but not as bad as some of the reviews I read.

Interesting Fact

In English law, it is a legal requirement to have a blind chinese woman in every court room.

2007...........

It's never too late to add you to the list!

2007 -The Shit List

There'll be no photos here, they're all shit.

FILMS:
The Golden Compass, Balls Of Fury, Die Hard 4.0 and Shrek 3.

SONGS: Umbrella, Anything by the Hoosiers, Beutiful Girls and anything by Girls Aloud.

T.V: ALL Soap Operas, I Am Betty, Big Brother, X-Factor and Strictly Come Wanking/Dancing.

PEOPLE: Steve McClaren, Heather Mills, Jordan (always) and Christiano Ronaldo (always).

2007 - The Dog's Bollocks

FILMS: 3:10 To Yuma is my favourite of the year, Russell Crowe at his best.

Others include; The Simpsons Movie, American Gangster, 300, Knocked Up and The Bourne Ultimatum.

SONGS:

Foo Fighters- The Pretender rocked beyond belief.

Others; Nickleback- Rockstar, Kaiser Chiefs- Ruby, Manic Street Preachers- Your Love Alone and The Foo's again- Long Road To Ruin.

GAME:

Call Of Duty 4 was the first game to utilise the PS3's awsome power.

Others; Resistance: Fall Of Man, Ratchet And Clank, Guitar Heroes 3.

T.V; Dexter was by far and away the best T.V show of the year.

Others; The Simpsons (always), Top Gear.

PERSON;

For me it's Lewis Hamilton. No one else has burst onto the scene with the personality and ability that this guy has.

Others; Arsene Wenger (always), James Blunt, Homer Simpson and Peanut-Face.

Happy New Year!

As the title of this post suggests, I'd like to wish you all a very happy new year!