Recently Viewed

Fairly average as far as cop films go. A bit predictable and a sense of "I've seen this before in another film".

Tarzan, Stargate, The Land That Time Forgot and The Lion King all rolled into one.

A comedy that revolves around a tradgedy. An excellent film although, I didn't see any swans or ice cream in it.

This Is Gonna Get Me In Trouble

I may be deleting this post as soon as I get a texted death threat from the missus.
Anyone who knows her will know that she's not very graceful. The newly born Bambi on ice skates would be less clumsy.
And that was before she was six and a half months pregnant.
You see, now she's "large with child" (I had to choose my word carefully then), my missus doesn't sit down, she flops into position and hopes for the best. She doesn't get in to bed, she takes a running jump. She doesn't turn over at night, she does a triple back flip and uses the pillow as hobby horse.
I haven't slept right through the night for weeks.
I'm tired, oh so tired.
But I guess that's a sign of things to come.

Hooray For The Return Of

It's just too bad that this cunt was on it;

I can't stand this fucking twat. Every time I hear his voice, I fell like ramming a rusty screwdriver through each ear. I also feel like gouging my eyes out with a plastic spoon.

The word cunt just isn't strong enough for him.

Interesting Fact

It is impossible to put your left earphone in with your right hand.
And vice-versa.

Recently Viewed

I really enjoyed this film. The re-make of "Ghostbusters" was hilarious.

The bastard child of "Godzilla" and "The Blair Witch Project." What the fuck was this film about?

Not the best Futurama installment.

Not one of Will Ferrell's funniest films.

Typical Telephone Conversation

The phone rings and I answer to someone calling from the other side of the world.
"Hello?"
"Hello, can I speak to Mr Spencer please."
"Speaking."
"Hello Mr Spencer. I'm calling from *random* credit cards."
"Yeah?"
"I'm just calling to offer you an increase on your spending limit. We'd like to increase the amount to £15,000. How does that sound?"
"Why?"
"You could use it for home improvements."
"My house is finished, but tell me more."
"How about a holiday?"
"That would be some holiday, continue."
"Huh? Oh, you could pay off some debts."
"Don't have any, tell me more."
"Erm, you could transfer any other balances you have, to your credit card."
"O.K, that's the same as the last offer you just gave me. You just used different words. You're gonna have to try harder than that."
"Er, look, do you want the increased limit or not?"
"Why would I want the increased limit?"
"Sir, can you answer the question and stop wasting my time."
"Do you have my details on a screen in front of you?"
"Yes."
"What's my current limit?"
"£8,500."
"And what's my current balance?"
"There's nothing owing at present."
"So, I owe you nothing and you're already willing to let me spend £8,500. It's 7pm on a friday night and I'm trying to eat my dinner and watch The Simpsons. Now tell me, who the fuck is wasting who's time?"
*Click*
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
Must be something I said.

Separated At Birth?

The evil looking, 6ft high plant lurking outside my front door;

A killer plant from the cheesy 80's T.V series, Day Of The Triffids;

Currently Wearing

Poorly Cat Humour

Realistic Puma T-Shirt

Fuck knows how they got the cat to stay still. I've been trying it with Peanut-Face but she's having none of it.

Un-Typical Workplace Conversation

They're not all bad you know, as a customer proved to me earlier.

"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm good thanks, how are you?"
"I'm O.K. I haven't seen you for a while."
"I've not long been back from annual leave and this is the last of my late shifts."
"How many have you done?"
"Seven in a row."
"Seven? That's barbaric!"
"No, what's barbaric is that I only have two days off, then I have to do eight early shifts in a row."
"How do you cope with eight days in a row?"
"I don't cope, I just do it."
"What the fuck did I come here for anyway?"
"Fucked if I know."
"See ya mate."
"Take care."

You Know You Would - Cartoon Hotties

Jessica Rabbit; Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Lois Griffin; Family Guy

Amy Wong; Futurama

Leela Turanga; Futurama

Betty Rubble; The Flintstones

Marge Simpson; The Simpsons

More Shit Music

Coldplay - Violet Hill

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow
White snow.....

....hang on a second.
There was snow right?
And it was white you say?
Not like the beige snow we get here then?
Glad we cleared that up.

Have No Idea What I'm Doing In

I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.

This Is Andy Murray

He's the British number one.
He's always injured.
He's the Darren Anderton of tennis.

Homer Knows Best #9

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Fuck Me, A Post

A apologise for the lack of updates this week, but that's how my days have been.
My late shifts have been going without incident (touch wood).
I've been coming home, going to bed, getting up in the morning, hanging around doing sod all and then going to work again.
The highlight of my week so far was when the missus made her mousaka. I duly obliged and ate loads of it.
I'm sure that someone or something will irritate me, either that or those charity fuckers will finally get their hands on me.

Airtime Wastage

I love going to the cinema.
You can't beat the feeling of seeing a film, for the first time, on "The big screen".
When I go, I expect to see adverts for forthcoming releases. Why else would we go again?
I don't want to see 17 random adverts that have no relevance to what I'm about to watch.
The list below just scratches the surface.

I really don't want to see a five minute advert for Radio One, I listen to Virgin. Besides, Tim Westwood is the biggest knob alive.
I don't want a diet coke, I'm fat and proud.
I already have a car so an advert for "The Vauxhall Antara" is irrelevant.
I rarely eat sweet food, so the Ben and Jerry's ad was a waste.
I've banked with Abbey since day one, so there's no need for Lloyds TSB to give it large.
My mobile contract is already with O2, so their ad was a waste.
I have Sky HD T.V and therefore do not require the poor man's equivilent; Virgin Media.
I shop in Tesco's not Waitrose.
I'm a bloke and spray copious amounts of Sure for men on every morning, I don't need to know of the bird's equivilent.
Seriously? A dog singing in a Volkswagen Polo?
Don't drink and drive. No shit.
I already own a Vauxhall Astra, no need for a new one.
My Samsung is better than any LG phone so get fucked.
I don't want a Mazda 2, definitely not a green one.
The Mail on Sunday? Fuck right off!
And, finally, Rob Lowe will not convince me to get an Orange mobile.

Recently Viewed

Warning; Plot Spoiler! I imagine that the first production meeting between Harrison Ford, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg went something like this;
Hello Harrison.
Hello Harrison.
Alright lads?
We've got an idea for a new Indy film.
Really? Tell me more.
It's called "Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull"
Catchy title, do proceed.
Well, Indy bumps into this kid who turns out to be his son with Marion, from the first film.
Sounds unlikely.
Ray Winstone's in it.
O.K, things are looking up.
He's a secret agent.
A double agent.
A triple agent.
I think I'm gonna leave now guys, thanks anyway.
No wait, it involves the ancient Incas and their city of gold.
Good, at last it sounds a bit more "Indy" like.
There's aliens.
Sorry, what did you say?
Aliens.
Are you taking the piss. Aliens in an "Indy" film?
No, we're serious. There are aliens in this film dude.
I'm outta here. You two are a pair of cunts.
We'll pay you millions.
Fuck off!
Billions, when you count the merchandise.
I'm in, just make sure you throw in some cute animals, improbable stunts and shite jokes. And try not to make me look too old.

Utter, utter shit! I feel like I've been arse raped after watching this film.
Don't watch it in the cinema.
Don't wait for the DVD.
Don't even watch it on telly in ten years time.
Just forget it was ever made.

One Of My Five A Day?

I'd like to think so!!

Recently Viewed

Not a bad film.

Not great one either.

Middle of the road on this one. An interesting and engaging concept from the start, it just gets a bit flimsy and predictable towards the end.

99.9% - A long Post For Me

99.9%.
That's how much of my house I reckon is complete.
It's not been easy, the last four years have been horrible, in fact this last week and a half has been hell.
I've made the decision that the bathroom is the worst room in the home to do up. Especially when your missus wants a power shower fitted.
It was a hot day today and as a result the loft was hotter than two rats fucking in a real wool sock. I had to squeeze between pipes that were burning to the touch, lay on fibre glass insulation (which has covered my whole body in an angry itchy rash), ram myself into a space that was too small for my cat, drag heavy cable along with me and then thread it through the eye of a needle. I couldn't have done the cable without my dad, who I'm eternally grateful to. Anyway, the shower is plumbed and wired in, all it needs is an electritian to connect it to the mains fuse box. (I have limits to my D.I.Y)
I've also been doing a load of other bits around the house.
There are still a few bits of sealing to do as well as some paint touch ups (and I'm good at touching things up!).
It hasn't helped that we are on holiday and have made arrangements, done other things and an incident of "We're on our way" (but they never turned up!!) which could've been spent D.I.Y-ing.

I do all this, put up with the constant pain and aches for my beloved missus and our forthcoming child.

Although, I'll be glad to back to work for a rest!!

Recently Viewed

Not as enjoyable as the first National Treasure. The ending was obviously left open for a third film.
There was something seriously fucked up with Nicolas Cage's hair though.

More Bad Ads

Lets get the ball rolling shall we;

The Slimfast one. Where the bird sings about her booty. I feel like beating myself to death with an empty beer can (and I have a lot of them) after seeing this ad.

The Halifax Ads. I'm sure that there is no explanation needed here.

The footy ads on BBC and ITV. We're not in it, so would we give a a fuck when it's on?

Mars. O.K, did they bother to read the above entry? We're not in it so why the fuck would we want to eat thirty Mars bars just to earn a plastic football?

Someone approves these adverts.
I can only assume they are single.
And play with themselves.
Alot.

More Success

My Piers Morgan abuse made it into Cunts Corner.

Where's Mine Then?

British Gas advert;

"Four free energy saving light bulbs for every customer.
Giving Britain the green light to save energy."

Where are my free light bulbs?

Robbing bastards.

Here We Go Again

Big brother 17 (or whatever series we're on) is already being advertised.
It is, therefore, my responsibility to remind anyone who watches this show, is a complete fucktard.
I don't actually mind if these fools want to waste their time with this piss poor excuse of entertainment, what does annoy me is when people ask me "Did you watch Big Brother last night?"
My reply will be (as always) "No, I'm not a cunt."

A Voodoo Upon You

The following people are getting on my nerves;

Mark Lawrenson - When this cunt commentates, I feel like chucking my telly through the window. Eg; U.S.A's Freddie Adu wastes a free kick; "That was much 'Adu' about nothing." You're not funny, you're a big nosed cunt.

Piers Morgan - Are we surprised that Jeremy Clarkson punched him in the face? Not at all. This smug, sarcastic, un-funny cock monkey deserves everything he gets. Including syphilis.

Amanda Holden - Les Dennis is better off without this mole faced whore. She's never, ever buzzed before one of the other "judges". Copycat tramp.

Davina McCall - Because Big Brother is just around the corner.

Places Where I Hurt

I just want to get off of this D.I.Y merry-go-round.

Sweet, sweet beer eases the pain.

An Answer To My Problems?

I'm considering having this done.
All this D.I.Y is wrecking my already piss-poor knees.

One More Shift Before The Work Starts

Today is my last shift before I start 2 weeks holiday.
It's 2 hours longer than normal too as I agreed to go in early to assist with the potential footy crowds.
I say I'll be on holiday, but in reality I'll be working harder than if I was at work.
I'll be doing the bathroom up.
New sink, tiling, flooring, plumbing for the new shower and whatever else needs doing.

Deep joy.

Because It's Still Funny

Noticed this on Holy Moly's "Cunts Corner".

One of the comments suggests that everyone knows someone at work called Dave.

I don't, do you?

Insult To Injury

Thanks to my mate Warren, who brought these to my attention.

Loving the bottom one the most.

Whoops! Dropped My Banana Skin.

Can you help me find it before someone slips?

Whoops! Too late.

Credit Card Statement

Previous Statement Balance £80.33
Payment Received £80.33
Interest Charged £0.00
Outstanding Balance £0.00
Minimum Payment £0.00

To reach your account by 16/06/2008

That now gives me an extra £100 to spend on myself every month!

Feeling The Heat

What the fuck is it with travel agents?
I've never been in one where the temperature is below boiling point.
Exactly what are they trying to achieve?
Are they trying to make me think I'm on holiday already?
Do they think that feeling the heat will make me long for a sunny place and immediately hand over my credit card to buy 2 weeks in the carribean?
How do the staff put up with it for eight hours?

I want answers, now or eventually!

Currently Listening To

Genius.

Quality T.V

This is one of the few things that the missus and me both enjoy watching. Well worth a look, Friday 10pm on Five.

Mmmmm, Pizza

The following things must never be added to a pizza.

Mushrooms.
Pineapple.
Fish.
Sweetcorn.
Dogshit.

I've never actually seen the last one on any menu, but I'm sure it's vile.

Recently Completed

An outstanding addition the GTA franchise.

Just need to kill all those bloody pigeons now.

New Arsenal Kits?

I'm not sure if these are real or fake, just to stir up interest.
I have to say, I'm not keen on the red one, the sleeves should be fully white in my opinion.
Loving the yellow one though, spirit of Anfield '89 and all that.
Only time will tell if they're genuine images.

Fur T.V Clips

New Milan Bench Warmer Speaks

D'OH!

Asked if winning the title would have made a difference, Flamini told the News of the World: "That would have weighed in the balance. It would certainly have counted.
"I actually wanted to sign a new contract at Arsenal last July but it didn't happen. AC Milan did so much to sign me I couldn't refuse.
"What happened to us after leading the league for so long was the most painful experience I had during four years at Arsenal."

So, you've left a team that finished 3rd in England to join a team who will finish 5th in Italy?
Good luck getting past Andrea Pirlo, Clarence Seedorf, Massimo Ambrosini and Ivan Gennaro Gattuso.

They've Got The Big Time Blues

Good!
If only they'd won.
And scored another 20 goals.
Can't see them winning on the 21st either.
I hate them, almost as much as Spurs.

Quality Film Quote # 28

Lee: Don't think. FEEL. It is like a finger pointing away to the moon. Do not concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory.

Bruce Lee's....... erm........ Lee, from "Enter The Dragon" (1973).

Beautiful Day

The perfect day to spend 31/2 metres below ground.

Tired

I really didn't sleep well last night.
Took me ages to drop off and had a stiff back and had to keep turning to stop it aching.
Then the missus came to bed and I was awake for another hour before dropping off again.
Oh well, only 15 hours, 22 minutes before I can climb back under the sheets.

Interesting Fact

Dolphins are ladyboy sharks.

Recently Viewed

Outstanding. I urge you to see this film in the cinema, well worth the money.

One seriously fucked up black comedy.

Sunday nights, 10pm on MTV. I laughed so hard I nearly puked. For more info and clips, go here.

Glorious Rest Days

Yesterday, the missus and me walked along the canal to The Globe Inn, for a spot of pub lunch.
Later we went to see Iron Man. We were gonna have some dinner after the film, but we still felt stuffed from lunch so went home instead. Later I ordered a pizza from a local place in town. I'd never used them before, but I can assure you that I'll be using them again soon, it was the best pizza I've had in donkey's.

Today, my brother-in-law and his missus were house hunting in the area with her parents. We met up and had another pub lunch in The Grove Lock.
We were gonna have a BBQ this evening but again we're too full.
The brother-in-law and his missus popped in after they'd completed their house tour of Leighton Buzzard and I showed off GTA4 to them. I can't help thinking that Caz wasn't as impressed as Gary, she didn't ask for a turn anyway!

All in all, a lovely rest period.
Too bad I've gotta work eight days straight before the next one!

Can't Wait To See

National Rail

Utter , Utter cunts who couldn't arrange a piss up in a brewery.
They've got the best part of saturday night and the whole of sunday and monday suspended for engineering works, but could they keep the service running for a few hours this afternoon?
Could they fuck!
I'm chucking London Midland in this as well.
Forty minutes waiting for a train and not a single announcement for their passengers / customers!
Cunts.

Don't get me wrong, London Underground is known for it's occasional signal failures etc, but can you imagine the grief we'd get if we were as poor as these two shower of shits?

Baby Ultrascan #2

If my unborn child is picking their nose then it's a sure sign they'll will take after me!

Homer Knows Best #8

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
Apu: He's got me there.

The Word Fuck

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Legal Notes For Men

On the following list are legal requirements for men.
In no particular order;

1; Take staircases two steps at a time.
2; Promise to do something later.
3; Pick your nose at traffic lights.
4; Don't do the thing that you promised to do later.
5; Change the car radio station over whenever your missus says; "Ooh, I like this song."
6; Refuse to ask for directions, no matter how lost you (or the Tom-Tom) seem to be.
7; Answer "Yes" to a question asked by the missus, even though you paid no attention to what she asked because the footy is on.
8; Kick the tyres of your new car so it looks as if you've got some sort mechanical knowledge, to the person you're buying it from.
9; Realise that the question the missus asked you during the footy was about the thing you promised to do, but didn't. And still don't do it.

Feel free to add your own.

More Shit Music

Two more songs that get on my tits.

The Feeling - Without You.

I can't select a particular verse or chorus.
This entire song is complete wank.

The Hoosiers - Cops And Robbers.

If we catch a criminal
When we catch a criminal
There's nothing we can do
But play cops and robbers
Cops and robbers

And repeat this utter shit again and again until you feel like microwaving your head.

Less Play, More Blog

Apologies for the lack of updates over the last week or so. I've been on the PS3 playing Call Of Duty 4 and the newly released Grand Theft Auto 4.
I do have some stuff to put up here but I'm about to leave for work.
I'll post some new stuff as soon as I get home.

Separated At Birth?

Chubby Checker;

Joe Pesci;

Stuffed

The missus made a huge moussaka today and as usual, I made a pig of myself by stuffing as much into my body as possible.

You see, when she cooks this dish it's like the angels are singing their heavenly moussaka song. Calling me to the dining table with their promises of culinary joy.

If you've had the fortune to try one of her moussakas then you are already well aware of how good it is. If not, then you're out of luck 'cos I'm taking the rest to work tomorrow!

Picking Up At Midnight Tonight

It's a good job I'm on late shifts from tomorrow, I'm gonna be on this for hours tonight and then again before I go to work tomorrow!

Sun Kissed

I'm red faced at the moment.
No, I've not embarrassed myself, yet.
Being as it was such a glorious day, we we spent the best part of the day in my sister-in-law and her fella's garden.
As a result I've got a slightly reddish tinge about my boat race.

Meat

Why do we eat so much meat at a barbecue?

Don't get me wrong, I love meat. So much so that I think vegetarians need to be removed from society. A 12 gauge shotgun should do the trick.

But, do we really need to eat so much meat at barbecues?

When else could you justify eating 3 chicken drumsticks, a burger, 2 sausages in a bap and numerous spare ribs in one meal?

Never.

And then we wonder why we struggle to take a dump the next day!