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This film was right up my street. Really enjoyed it.

BIG YAWN!

Yeah, I enjoyed this one. Kind of a flip on the alien visiting earth type thing.

After 5 minutes, I turned to the missus and said "I bet DiCaprio is the real nutter."

I was right!

I remember seeing this film as a kid. It's still not funny.

Here We Go Again!

The missus is up the duff again!
Yay me and my super sperm.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Sometimes my participation isn't the mad part of the customer interaction

"Morning."
"Hello, my mum's here for the next few days and I want to get her a Pay-As-You-Go Oyster card."
"Sure, no problem. It's £3 deposit for the card, plus the amount you want to add on."
"Can I put £10 on please?"
"Yep, that'll be £13 in total then please."

The customer pays and we say thanks to each other.
Before leaving, the woman turns to her mum, smiles, hands her the Oyster card and says;

"Here, Happy Mother's Day you old cow!"

The timing was perfect and I nearly fell of my chair laughing.

Pipe

I'm thinking of investing in a pipe.
I don't smoke and I'm not going start, but I believe that owning a pipe will make me smarter.

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Finally Got Around To Ordering

Currently Reading

I'm up to chapter 5 so far and it's so boring!

I'll give it until chapter 10 to improve, then it's going out the train window!

Did He Think I'd Let It Go?

Yesterday I was walking along the road and talking to the missus on the phone. As I was talking a rather fat bloke (yes, fatter than me!) stepped in front of me, put his hand up and started to talk to me.

"Excuse me."
I indicated that I was on the phone but he persisted.
"Excuse me."
"Sorry, I'm on the phone mate."
I walk past him. He waits till he thinks I'm out of ear shot.
"Yeah, you carry on fucking talking!"
I tell the missus to hang on and turn around. He has his back to me now, walking away.
"Oi!"
He turns to face me.
"What's your fucking problem? I'm on the phone you arrogant dick!"
He opens his mouth and is about to say something.
"Bollocks! Fuck off you cunt!"
Just to hammer home my annoyance, I throw in some rude hand gestures.
He stands there, mouth open.
I turn and go back to my phone conversation.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Sometimes you can only put up with so much abuse before putting the customer in their place.

"For fuck's sake! There's no fucking trains?! Why's there no fucking trains?!"
"Sorry mate, planned engineering."
"Well why's there no fucking signs at the other station?! No one fucking told me!"
"Now look. There are posters about our works, for weeks in advance, on every Underground station. We make P/A announcements on every Underground station leading up to the works. We take out a whole page of the Metro newspaper the friday before the works start. The works are freely available on the internet and you can even set up text and e-mail alerts of our planned works. What more do you want us to do? Phone you every morning?"

The customer walks away and shakes his head.

Ahhh, Man, Gets Me Every Time!

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My kind of humour.
Courtesy of WJW.

So, what have I been up to then?
Well, not a lot really.
I've just finished a run of early shifts.
On Thursday and Friday last week, I had to do my Annual Test of Rules at Oxford Circus House.
BORING!
I don't know why we still do it, there's not even an actual test anymore. We just sit around discussing scenarios and writing on flip charts. Pointless.

I had the day off on Tuesday for Nan's funeral.
The service was very sad and I don't mind admitting that I was a bit un-manly.
The wake was perfect. Remembering old times with cousins and other relatives.
They say you only see these relatives at weddings and funerals, but we're determined that this will not be the case. In fact, we've got 7 or 8 of them coming up on Sunday to help celebrate Dad's 60th birthday.
I'd like to say once more how grateful I was for all you messages of support over the last couple of weeks. Whether they were face to face, on the phone, text, e-mail, Twitter, facebook or here, they really were appreciated. So thank you.

My sinusitis is at last starting to clear up, should be as good as new by next week, hopefully!

I'm on a long weekend now and I intend to do nothing but spend time with my family. Especially Matt as I'm on late shifts next week and won't see him much.

Thick Brown Nasty Mucus And Snot

On Sunday last week I caught a cold.
It wasn't a nasty cold, just a plain old cold.
I was feeling better by Friday night, then the trouble started.
I woke up on Saturday morning and couldn't breathe through my nose and my whole face ached.
It was difficult to blow my nose and the snot I produced was very thick and almost brown in colour. (I hope you've already eaten!)
I was also coughing up thick mucus too.
At first I thought my cold had flared back up, but I had none of the other symptoms.
A quick check on NHS Direct suggests I have sinusitis, which can take up to a month to clear.
I seriously hope it doesn't last that long in my case.

Rest In Peace Nanna

My Nan passed away this morning.
She'd been ill for sometime and was being kept comfortable with morphine towards the end.
I'm glad her suffering is at an end, but I will miss her terribly.
She used to make the most amazing walnut cake. Even I (and I don't eat sweet foods) couldn't get enough of it.
Such a beautiful, sweet lady who will be missed forever.
Goodbye Nan,

Your Bonnie-Lad,

James.

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A fantastic adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's novel.
Kodi Smit-McPhee is superb as 'The Boy' and I smell an Oscar nomination for Viggo Mortenson as 'The Man'.

Well worth a read and then a look in my opinion.

Today's Shopping List; New Pants.

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"Tactical thermonuclear weaponry is a guy's best friend!"

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The missus found this film hilarious. I was pissed and can't remember what I thought of it.

An average film. The best bit of the film was Bill Murray's cameo.

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Now You See It, Now You Don't

At some point this week, Argos will get off their arse and deliver our new T.V.
We'll be mounting the new one on the wall to avoid any more toddler related accidents!
I've removed our funky, faceless clock in preperation.
Where we'll put it now is a mystery to me.

Is This Shit Still Going?

Big Brother is back on the telly.
Apparently, they are celebrities this time.
They are NOT celebrities.
They are cunts.
And so is everyone who watches them.
Fact.

Recently Viewed

Geneeration Kill is the best T.V war series EVER! Based on the book by Evan Wright, who went into Iraq with a U.S Marine Reconaissance Battalion. I could talk to you about it all day, but you should check it out yourself. Seriously, check it out.

I like Ricky Gervais. And I thought he was funny in this film. But, and you could sense that coming, I wish he wouldn't "Americanise" his comedy. I don't know a single English person who would call someone a "douche". And, if I did, I'd stop knowing them immediately!

I don't know how many times I've seen this film. I will never get tired of it.

Possibly Peter Sellers' finest film. It would never be made today. Fuck political correctness!

Dear London Underground Customer

I'm on holiday this week, so sort your own Oyster card out!

Hurrah! Progress!

We finally heard from our insurance company today.
They're going to replace our telly with an equivalent.
This one to be precise.
Fuck knows when it'll be delivered.

It's Over

Christmas that is.

I finished work at around 2pm on Christmas eve. I popped over to my mates house to exchange presents. And drink beer, obviously.

I made sure I arrived home by 7pm so I could see Matt before he went to bed. Matt had been suffering from a nasty cold, but he seemed to be perking up at the right time.

At 5:30 on Christmas morning, the missus tried to be clever. She went and got Matt and put him bed with us, thinking we'd all wake up together later in the morning. A nice idea, but she didn't take into account that moving him would wake him up. And he stayed up! So, up got the missus and Matt, while I stayed in bed till 7:30. Nice!

We opened our presents together, my pile seems to be getting smaller every year.

Matt wasn't really interested. Once he'd opened his first present he sat there ans played with that. The missus and myself opened the rest, saying things like; "Wow! Look at this Matthew!" But he continued to ignore us and play with his new cars instead!

We got dressed and headed over to my mum's for breakfast. Bacon sandwiches all round! I don't mean that the sandwiches were round, I mean everyone had one.

We dropped mum at her friends house and came home.

The missus had said she was doing christmas dinner for once, so I put Matt down for his nap and chilled until my brother, his missus and my dad turned up. We were supposed to be joined by my mother and father-in-law. Unfortunately my father-in-law was unwell and they didn't make it.

The food and drink flowed into the evning and our guests departed around 7:30 pm. The rest of the night was spent chilling in front of the T.V.

On Boxing day, we headed to London to see the in-laws who'd not made it for dinner. Again, more drink and food flowed.

The missus was at work all day on Sunday so it was just me and Matt. I've never had such a good day with him! He was in top form the whole day. I didn't want to put him to bed!

We relaxed all day Monday. We dropped Matt at my mum's around 5:30pm and came home. The missus caught up with some work and ran around getting shot on Call of Duty 2.

I was back at work yesterday for the first of 5 late shifts. I've got a weeks annual leave (Again? I know!) from Sunday.

So, like I said; Christmas = OFFICIALLY OVER!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

The Snowman What I Made

Protect Your PC From Viruses

Infected

I've caught a cold off of Matt.
It's not swine flu, bird flu or the female invented "man flu", it's a cold.
I'm not surprised I've caught a cold, I've been feeling run down for months. Tiredness and fatigue have been a real issue.
As a result, I've decided to take some sick leave. Before today, I've not been off sick for around 14 months, not a bad record that.
I'm gonna do what I do best when I'm ill, play the PS3 and eat junk food!

This Week Needs Smacking Like A Bad, Bad Donkey.

Where shall I begin?
Well, lets start from last Thursday, as it was possibly the worst day
of my life.
On Thursday morning I went to work. To say I was running around like a
blue arsed fly is an under-statement. Even though I was only on a
poncy spare duty, I was late getting out of work. Then, when I got to
the train station, I found out that the 13:13 was cancelled. That
would have got me to my home station in 30 minutes, instead I had to
catch the 13:34, which takes 50 minutes. So I got home 40 minutes late.
As if that wasn't enough, I later found out that my Great Aunty Lena
had passed away.
Still, that wasn't enough! I phoned the missus only to find out that
she was in the A&E department of her hospital. One of her dickhead
colleagues put a syringe in the "sharp bin" upside down. The misses
pricked her finger with it and needed all sorts of precautionary jabs.
On Friday, I took my mum and brother to see Great Uncle Les. He looked
terrible. He's in his late 80's and slowly being consumed by
asbestosis of the lungs. He's lost his best friend and wife and we
fear for his future.
Saturday passed without incident.
Sunday; Arsenal, Chelsea, nil, three, shit.
Monday saw my father-in-law being taken to hospital. It seems that
some of the heart medication he's on is affecting his stomach ulcer
quite badly.
Tuesday passed without incident.
Wednesday; Matt broke my T.V today! In a bizarre mop/toy incident he's
managed to crack the screen. Waiting to hear if our insurance will
cover it.
A real fucker of a week, I'm sure you'll agree.
Tomorrow is Great Aunty Lena's funeral.
Fingers crossed that everything goes uphill after that.

Sent from my iPhone

Rest In Peace Aunty Lena

I just found out that my Great Aunty Lena passed away this morning.

This photo was taken in April of this year when I took my mum and Matt to visit her and Great Uncle Les. My mum was practically raised by them so this is a great loss to our family.

When my brother and me were kids, she used to send us out to the garden to look for a four leaf clover for her. We never found one.

Rest in peace Aunty Lena, I hope you find your four leaf clover.

Recently Viewed

Away We Go is an absolute must for anyone who is dealing with pregnancy. I couldn't believe how much I laughed and could relate to some of the stuff in the film. In fact, even if you're not experiencing pegnancy, it's worth a look.

Ahh, Pandorum. The illegitimate love child of Event Horizon and Alien. It's not terrible to watch, but you can't help wishing you were watching Event Horizon or Alien instead.

Seal Team VI is SHIT! Seriously, you have to watch this film to realise how shit it is. And as for the cheesiest of cheesy endings..... fuck me it's bad. Please don't take my word for it, watch it and appreciate how truly shitty this film is!

Inglourious Basterds is a very entertaining film. Historically inaccurate. Infact, it's practically raped the history books. But, entertaining none the less. Sharp knives and loud guns galore. Christoph Waltz is just sublime as Col. Hans Landa.

Are You Sure You Want To Log Off?

Yes, that's why I clicked the 8mm x 3mm "log off" icon.

Does This Really Count As An Update?

As I have absolutely nothing to report.
Unless you count; work, home, sleep.
Obviously, I try to eat during the mundane trinity that has become my life.

Currently Playing

Everybody is banging on about this game.

To be honest, I don't see a huge difference to the last game, I run around not knowing what to do and get shot/blown up alot.

Up Your Viva!

I hate this fucking advert!


But, for some reason, I love this version!

That Really Fucking Hurt!!

This evening, as I was cashing up, I had an accident.
I bundled all my bank notes together and was about to bind them
together with an elastic band. I wound the band around once and as I
pulled it to wrap it around again, it snapped and flew into my left
eye. And when I say eye, I mean I felt it ping against my eyeball. It
stung like a motherfucker, I can tell you!
I don't remember my exact words, but 'fuck', 'fucking', 'shit',
'bollocks' and 'cunt' were all mentioned at some point.
Has anyone got the number for Injury Lawyers For You?

Sent from my iPhone

Quality Film Quote #36

Tyler Durden: [pointing at an emergency instruction manual on a plane] You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?
Narrator: So you can breath.
Tyler Durden: Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.
Narrator: That's, um... That's an interesting theory.

Leg Jigglers #6

Location; Car
Source; Radio
Action; Steering wheel drumming.

I have to admit, I wasn't too sure about this song when it was first released. But, it's grown on me. Yay Foo Fighters!

Typical Workplace Conversation

Recently, the Students returned to University.
For some of them, the future's not so bright.

"Hello, can I have an application form for a Student Oyster card please?"
"No, sorry. You have to apply for a Student Oyster card on the Transport For London website."
"Can't I get a form from you?"
"No. You have to apply for a Student Oyster card on the Transport For London website."
"Why? Have you run out of forms?"
"No. You have to apply for a Student Oyster card on the Transport For London website."
"Can I get a form from another station?"
"No. You have to apply for a Student Oyster card on the Transport For London website."
"Is there a Student Oyster card application form at all?"
For fuck's sake!
"Yes."
"Where is it?"
"On the Transport For London website."
"You're not very helpful you know!"

And with that, he storms off to research why Darwin's Theory Of Evolution doesn't apply to himself.

Students, click here!

She's Mad I Tells Ya

It seems that my mum is not immune to asking stupid questions either.
I popped into town with Matty this morning and decided to ask her to come out for a coffee. I buzzed her intercom and the following conversation took place.

"Hello"
"Hey mum, it's James. What you doing?"
"Nothing, why?"
"Do you fancy going for a coffee?"
"Yeah, o.k. love. Where are you? Downstairs?"
"Well, if I'm talking to you on the intercom dickhead, I must be mustn't I?!"
"Erm, yeah. I'll come down."

Needless to say, I got a slap for calling her a dickhead!

2 Weeks Annual Leave

Last week we were on holiday near Clacton-On-Sea. I was pleased to find that we were about half an hour away. We stopped there for lunch before checking in and it was a cross between god's waiting room and chav city.
The weather was fantastic. It was slightly overcast on Thursday but it remained t-shirt weather.
We took Matty swimming in the mornings, which he loved. He also enjoyed the kids club.
We made a trip to Walton-On-The-Naze and had lunch in a traditional Pie and Mash shop. I wasn't suprised to see Matty enjoying it, after all, I grew up on the stuff. Like father, like son and all that.
All in all, it was a really nice short break.

This week I've been relaxing and enjoying the company of The Missus and Matty.
Matty's really developing quickly these days. He points at what he wants now, which has reduced the amount of guess work. He's also started trying to talk but it's all jibberish, a bit like this bloke!
It was also my 32nd birthday last weekend. On Saturday I went for a meal with family but it was difficult to enjoy as I'd had a terminal headache since 6am that morning. On Sunday I went on the piss with my dad.
The only negative point was that I had to do an early shift at work on Thursday, as I owed them a day's leave.

Back to work on Tuesday. Late shifts. Yay.

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Piss poor by Jack Black's standards.

Average.

Considering it's supposed to be a comedy, it's just not funny.

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32 Years Old

Today marks the 32nd anniversary of my birth.
I'd like to think that the world is a better place with me on it, but I guess that depends on who you ask!
I'm hoping today goes better than yesterday, when I spent the entire day with a blazing headache. It was so bad, I only managed 4 pints all day!

She's Mad I Tells Ya

So we're on the M25, heading to our holiday in St Ostyth/Clacton and the missus spots a road sign.

"Why's it called the Dartford Tunnel?"

"Erm, cos it's a tunnel in Dartford, dickhead."

A Welcome Break

Today is the first day of my 2 weeks annual leave and it couldn't have come quick enough.
I've been really run down for the last few weeks and on Wednesday, I caught a cold.
It goes without saying that I've passed the cold on to Matty, luckily it's not a nasty cold, but it's still a pain in the arse. Well, eyes, nose, throat and chest anyway!
Tomorrow, the missus, Matty and myself are leaving for a short break by the sea. I honestly can't wait. I think it's important to have a change of scenery, even if it's to the not very exotic Clacton!
It's just me and Matty today as the missus has gone to work. We were supposed to go to Andy's son's second birthday party, but have been unable to do so due to the car being needed by the missus. I apologise profusely for cancelling.
That's about it for now, I'm just transferring some films and kids T.V shows to my iPod for our break.

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Currently Reading

Volume 2; Miles Behind Us

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Cool Kids Bed

Why didn't beds look this cool when I was a kid? All rocket shaped and that.
Sweet!

More Shit Music

U2; I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight.

It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubtin?
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

What?! You'll go crazy if you don't go crazy? What the fuck does that even mean?

Treated Like Animals? If Only!

Yesterday we had to take Matt and Peanut-Face for some jabs.

Matt had a 13:55 appointment for his meningitis jabs, he was finally seen at 14:20.

Peanut-Face had a 16:00 appoinment for her booster jabs, she was seen at 15:55.

Matt has another set of jabs, for measles, mumps and rubella, in four weeks time.
I'm wondering if the vet can do them.

The Curious Incident Of The Bin In The Night.

Yesterday morning, when I rolled out of bed at 11:15, I was greeted with "Why did you put the recycling bin in the bathroom?" from the missus.
"You what now? Why the fuck would I put the recyc' bin in the bog?" Came my reply.
I'll spare you the rest of the conversation, but suffice to say we both deny responsibilty. Her argument that it was full of my empty beer cans, doesn't wash with me though!
You may recall this incident from a while back.
You may also remember other instances of oddness such as this and this.
I think I'd better arrange an exorcism!

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