Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Typical Workplace Conversation
"Excuse me, can I go through the luggage gate? I've got a heavy suitcase."
"Sure mate, just push the top right hand corner of the gate when you hear the alarm."
He pulls the gate.
"No, push the top right corner mate."
He pushes the top left of the gate.
"No mate, push the top right corner of the gate."
He touches the Oyster card reader, which isn't even attatched to the gate.
"Hello!"
He turns.
"Push the top right hand corner of the gate."
He tries to pull the gate again.
"Where's your right hand mate?"
He waves it at me.
"And where's the gate?"
He points at it.
"Now, locate the top right hand corner of the gate and push."
Finally, he gets it right.
Sunday, 25 January 2009
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Make The Bed? Bollocks!
As far as I can tell, there is no logical reason why the missus forces me to do it. I mean, in a few hours you're gonna climb back in and mess it up again anyway. And don't tell me it's to make the room look nice, you might as well shut the bedroom door and not bother.
From now on, when the missus tells me to make the bed, I'm just gonna get into it and go to sleep.
Gets Me Every Time
O.K, so you've probably seen this before.
But, it still makes me smile every time.
Friday, 23 January 2009
D'oh!
I removed it with no problem, but then tried to turn the light on so I could see while putting the new bulb in.
What a dick!
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
American Are We? Are We Fuck!
Some of the people of this great nation have a serious fucking problem.
Any idea what I'm talking about?
No? Well, I'll tell you.
Barack Obama's inauguration.
Don't get me wrong, this is not an attack on the man himself.
Nor the U.S.ofA.
It's about the amount of people watching and talking about the inauguration itself.
Why? Why the fuck are you bothering? Are you American? Do you live in America? Are you related in any way to President Obama himself?
No, I didn't think so.
Did any of you watch Gordon Brown being sworn in as Prime Minister? Or how about the Queen's speech on Christmas day?
No, I didn't think so.
Sort your fucking lives out, show some pariotism.
Saturday, 17 January 2009
Quality Film Quote # 33
Taking The Piss
Friday, 16 January 2009
She's Mad I Tell Ya!
The other day I mentioned that I'd like to go to Borders bookstore in Milton Keynes.
"What for?"
"To buy a book love"
"A book to read?"
"Do you know any other kind?"
"Shut up!"
And just now I pointed out that Matty does most stuff with his left hand.
"I think he might be left-handed you know"
"I thought that the other day"
"Never mind, England will always need left wingers"
"They do say that left-handed people are more talented"
"Who says that then love?"
"Erm....."
"You just made that up didn't you!"
"Yeah" she bursts into a fit of laughter.
Sleeping Like A Baby? Not Me!
Fair enough, the missus has been topping him up with camomile infused water, but this is a vast improvement on the norm. He normally wakes at around one o'clock and four o'clock for milk.
But (and you knew there'd be one) this has come at a price.
After he started to stir at around the one o'clock mark, the missus began her "Operation Camomile". In order to do this, it meant putting the little chap into bed with us. Only he's not so little in bed. He seemingly takes up half of the bed. And, of course, the missus needs to lie next to him, which leaves me with about four inches of bedspace.
Now, I could slither down a bit and have my legs dangling out of the bed. But, this would put my feet into no-mans land. You see, Peanut-Face only has to hear the sheets rustle and she's got her teeth clamped onto your big toe in an instant. I'm sure she's some kind of Ninja / Cat hybrid.
The solution?
Well, I tossed and turned for four hours, catching the odd bit of kip. But I gave up at around five o'clock and got up. Two hours before I needed to.
Excellent
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
Recently Ordered
The first 5 books in a series of 28.
Whoops! It appears that I missed out "The Devil You Know" which is second in the series.
Sunday, 11 January 2009
She's Mad I Tell Ya!
You wait months and months and then two come along at once.
Matty was stirring so I went into the room, to see if he needed some water.
"I've got him some water love"
The Missus had already put him in bed with her and was giving him some water she must have prepared earlier.
"Where's the baby?"
"Erm, he's right there love" (I point next to her.)
"No, the other baby"
"We've only got the one love, remember?"
She tuts, rolls her eyes and then turns her attentions back to watering Matty.
Leg Jigglers #1
Welcome to my new feature.
This one is all about the songs that make me want to jiggle my leg or tap my feet. Sometimes I may even indulge in a bit of fingertip tabletop keyboard or drumming and, when no-one's looking, a bit of air guitar!
Ocean Colour Scene; The Riverboat Song, heard this on my iPod today.
A definate leg jiggler.
The more observant of you may have noticed the name change!
She's Mad I Tell Ya!
"Gina"
Nothing
"Gina"
"Herumph?"
"Can you sort Matty's bedding out for me love?"
She gets up and sorts it out.
But, before I can put Matty down;
"Did you sort out the profile?"
"The what now?"
"The profile, you needed to sort it out"
"What you on about about you dick?"
"THE PROFILE!"
"Shush love, he's asleep! What profile?"
"Did you speak to the profile people about the profile?"
"Are you even awake love?"
"Huurm?"
"Go back to bed love, you're still asleep and talking mad at me"
"Perfrumbrum"
She climbed back into bed, I put Matty down and left the room in a confused state.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Celebrity Freak Brother
Recently Played And Completed
Saying that, I did laugh during the end credits when it came up "No gargantuans were harmed during the making of this game".
I distinctly remember blowing several to Kingdom Come!
Need any help bruv?!!
Recently Viewed
Congratulations to the makers of this film! You have done the impossible and put me off westerns. Lets just hope it's not permanent.
Now, where's my copy of "Shane"?
110 minutes of my life that will never, ever be returned. This film, is a complete and utter cunt.
I have to confess that alcohol caused me to fall asleep towards the end of this film. But, I will say that I was really enjoying it until then.
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Teething Is Hell
Any teething drugs or remedies will be greatly appreciated.
Headache cures will also go down well!
Friday, 2 January 2009
Making An Arse Of Myself With
But get a few 1664's in me and I'll duet with anyone.
So far I've sang; Shakespeare's Sister's "Stay" with Gareth, Blur's "Parklife" with the missus, Spandau Ballet's "True" with Michelle, Leo Sayer's "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" with my brother and The Police's "Don't Stand So Close To Me" with Danny. But, my favourite was when my good mate Darryn and me looked lovingly into each others eyes and sang Sonny and Cher's "I've Got You Babe".
Actually, this entry should probably come under the "More Shit Music" entries.