Espresso Explosion Burns

The pictures aren't as clear as I'd like, but you get the idea.

Recently Ordered

A Bialetti, 3 cup espresso pot.
I love espressos and this is the proper way to make them, on the cooker, in a pot.
My old espresso machine tried to kill me this afternoon. The pressure built up too much and sent the bit that holds the coffee flying. This has resulted in a burnt right hand, a broken espresso cup, a hell of a lot of cleaning up to do and a free plug socket is now available where the machine used to be.
If I hadn't moved quickly enough a trip tp A&E would have been needed. As it is, the area between my thumb and index finger has three blisters and the finger next to the little one has a blister between the top two knuckles.
Ouch.

King Cobra

Comes in a 750ml bottle at 8% alc volume.
A bit too fizzy for my liking, but at around three quarters of the bottle down you forget about most things.

Mead Open Farm

I taked my neece to the farm and deez are the anamuls wot I sawd;

A sheep and newborn lamb.

Bunny rabbits.

Piggy.

Goat.

Fuckaducks.

A big fat ass.

I have no idea what this mother-fucker is supposed to be!

And a great big cock.

New Chair

We bought a new chair for the computer today.
Well, it's not for the computer, that's on a desk.
The chair is for us. I figured that if I'm gonna spend so much time entertaining my millions of readers, I might as well do it in comfort.

Homer Knows Best # 7

"Why does stuff that happens to stupid people keep happening to me?"

Cheeky Git

I popped into Homebase to pick up a couple of bits for the house.
At the exit was a bloke promoting the local gym. He obviously looked at my slightly (ahem) podgy waistline.
"Hello sir, would you like to join the gym?"
"No sir,would you like a fat lip?"
Luckily he saw the funny side and we both laughed.

Oops

This is our new catflap. The old one broke as it was permanently being wedged open as our beloved Peanut-Face was too lazy to push it open herself.
I was determined that this wouldn't be the case with the new one.
I've made it my mission this week to teach Peanut-Head how to use it.
While trying to force her through, I encountered some resistance. I assumed she was pushing back with her front paws so I changed my grip.
Now I was holding her so she couldn't push back, still I encountered resistance.
Not to be outdone by a catflap I pushed harder, to the point where Peanut hissed and growled at me. I let her go thinking something was wrong with the catflap.
On inspection it appeared that I hadn't unlocked it and for the last minute I had been ramming my cats skull into a locked flap.
She seems to be avoiding me at the moment.

Little Cow

My niece Emily is getting far too clever.
This weekend she stayed with my brother and told him that her tooth fell out during the week. My brother asked if the Tooth Fairy visited her but she replied "No, my mummy says the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to her house."
My brother and his missus thought this was a bit unfair of Emily's mother and both slipped a quid under Em's pillow while she slept.
The next morning they were pleased to see Emily smiling very broadly and only then noticed that no teeth actually appeared to be missing.
On further inspection this was indeed the case, my niece had pulled a fast one.
When asked why she'd lied she said "I just wanted the money."
She's only five.
Mind you, this could say something for our kid's intelligence as he failed to check before giving her the money.
If you're reading this Paul, my leg fell off this morning. That's gotta be worth a monkey!

Currently Reading

This book only arrived this morning and I've already got through 60 pages. I cannot seem to put it down, despite doing numerous jobs around the house.
So far there is very little similarity to the recent film but that makes the book all the more enjoyable as I don't know what's around the corner.
My bro-in-law Gary recommended this book to me and I recommend it to you.
Except you Gary, you've read it already.

Merry.....Erm......Easter?

7:00pm 21st March 1998

Ten years ago today, my life changed.
Someone came into my life on a permanent basis and has made me the man I am.
It was a friday, 7pm and she walked through the doors of The Thornbury Castle pub on Enford Street, Westminister.
We'd known each other for a few years before, but I'd waited until we were a bit older before I asked her out. You see, I knew she was the one from the moment I set eyes on her and I didn't want to ruin it with a meaningless childhood snog.
She wore a stunning black dress with a flower pattern going up the left (her left) hand side, I wore a sickening (hindsight is a fucker!) green and black Ben Sherman shirt.
I was limping because I'd come off of my football injury caused crutches early for the date. Some might say that this is the reason I never played again. I gave up the game I loved for her!
I took her to an Italian restaurant on Baker Street. She had lasagne and I had steak. I thought I was cool because I payed by cheque! Debit cards were not that popular then.
We went to the cinema and saw As Good As It Gets. At the end of it we kissed for the first time. In the darkness our teeth clashed, but only gently.
I walked her home and we kissed again before she left me for the evening.
I was high as a kite, overjoyed, elated, on cloud nine, over the moon, ecstatic, I could go on forever.
Since our first date a hell of a lot has happened in our lives. Some good some tragic, but it's made us what we are today.
Right now we have a mortgage, a cat called Peanut-Face and most importantly, we are expecting our first child in September.
I know that I wouldn't be the man I am today without her love, encouragement, influence and inspiration. All that I am and have, I owe to her............
Kronenbourg 1664 - She Makes You A Man.
I'm kidding of course.
Gina, when you read this, I love you so much. Every day I picture us with our future child and I think;
"I did fuckin' well there!"
Happy 10th Anniversary my love.

Recently Viewed

Not a good idea to watch this on the train. When you jump (and you will) you'll get strange looks from your fellow commuters.


A horror/thriller cheese fest. Don't bother. My eyes were aching from the amount of rolling they did.

A Sinister Plot Emerges

Following my previous post regarding the theft of my boot laces, I can't find my DVD lens cleaner either.
Nor could I find a sock from the tumble drier the other day.
There is a thief at large, so devious that the world has never known such crimes against humanity.
We must find this individual and bring them to justice.
If you see someone with a DVD lens cleaner held around their neck with boot laces and wearing nothing but a solitary sock, contact Crimestoppers now.

You Fuckers!

Which one of you fucknuts has stolen my spare bootlaces?
They were in my cupboard in the kitchen, by the sink and one of you'se has sneaked in and taken them.
Now I've got a pair of boots, only one of which has a lace.
Thanks very much!

Homer Knows Best # 6

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Recently Played And Completed

This game is what the PS3 is all about.
Seamless gameplay, not a single loading screen.
And the graphics, my god the graphics! The water looks so realistic that you could easily ram your head through the T.V trying to dive into it.
Outstanding, highly recommended, if you don't own a PS3 then you should consider selling a kidney to get one just to play this game.
If this is a taste of what's to come then, well, erm, words fail me.

Get Well Soon Bro (Again!)

Yet again my brother is in hospital.
The wound he got from having his appendix out became infected.
I went to see him this afternoon and he showed me the trouble spot.
I nearly covered it with my half digested lunch.

Oh The Pain

I've fucked up my hamstrings and right knee good and proper.
This weekend I've finished laying the wooden flooring in the two hallways. They're not very big hallways, but one of them has four doors leading from it and the other has three. As you can imagine, this meant a hell of a lot of kneeling, squating, standing and moving from one of the positions to another, just to measure and cut the right shapes.
I'm in absolute agony every time I move and my knee is far too big and purple for my liking.
The good news is that although I have to return to late shifts tomorrow, I've only got to do five as I have next week off.

Typical Workplace Conversation

This guy approaches my window with a bank card and a National Rail receipt.
"I lost my monthly travelcard. I've got a receipt and the card I paid with can you give me a new one?"
"No sorry, London Underground only replaces tickets issued by ourselves."
"I've only just lost it in the gates though."
"Have you spoken to the member of staff on the gateline to see if he can retrieve it?"
"No, because it was at London Bridge."
"So why have you travelled half way across London for a replacement?"
"Because I did, are you going to replace it?"
"No, we don't replace National Rail issued tickets, you need to speak to National Rail staff."
"But it was an Underground travelcard."
"No it wasn't. It may have been valid for the Underground but it wasn't issued by the Underground."
"Why don't you replace them? You're both train companies."
"We're different train operators with different proceedures."
"So?"
"Let me put it another way. If you lost your Big Mac, would you go to Burger King for a replacement?"
"What?"
"You heard."
"No, of course not."
"Why?"
"Because they're different restaurants."
"But they both sell burgers."
"Yeah........ But........ Erm.........."
"Exactly."

More Shit Music

I've got two for you this time.

Girls Aloud - I Can't Speak French

I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking talking now
Oh, I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking, oh oh oh
I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking talking now
Oh, I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking, oh oh oh

Complete and utter bollocks!

Estelle feat Kanye West - American Boy

Take me on a trip, I’d like to go sun bathe.
Take me to New York, I’d love to see LA.
I really want to come kick it with you.
You’ll be my American Boy. American Boy

If you want to see L.A, may I suggest California and not New York?

Last Shift

Today is my last early shift and I'm elated about it.
Eight shifts in a row really knock the life out of me.
I intend to stay in bed as long as possible tomorrow followed by an evening of drinking copious amounts of that wonderful, fizzy, golden, falling down juice.

Half Arsed

That's how I've felt all week.
I just don't feel motivated to do anything.
There's a tonne of stuff around the house that needs doing.
There are two PS3 games and two Wii games that need my attention.
I had to force myself to fill out my Train Operator application.
I haven't been on the exercise bike since friday.
I might not even finish th..................................................

Recently Viewed

Excellent, Javier Bardem deserved his oscar.

Also excellent. Ellen Page is outstanding in the title role.

Calssic Hitchcock.

More Hitchcock.

I don't normally enjoy musicals and I thought the same would be said for this one. But after half an hour you kinda forget that they're singing on a regular basis. Worth a look.

Interesting Fact

Wasps are bald bees.

More Bad Ads

That new "Sacla" pesto advert is driving me mad.
You know the one where the guy is crushing garlic and herbs in his kitchen, only for it to become the beat to an annoying tune.
L'Arte di Sacla?
L'Arte di Cunta's more like.

The latest Asda ad's with the theme tune to Dad's Army.
Are they actually comparing themselves to senile old men in uniforms and Tescos/Morrisons/Sainsburys to the Third Reich?

And don't get me started on that Ford advert where all the instruments are made of "actual" car parts.
I'd like to find the person who thought of it and ram that gear lever somewhere very, very painful!

Feel free to contribute.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

Oh dear, you wait weeks for one and then two come along at once.
I was describing to the missus how a friend at work has split up with his partner and she asked;
"Isn't he the one who lives next to his neighbour?"
I seriously hope my unborn child gets my brains.



And her looks. Obviously.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

I went to pick the missus up from the station and she asked;
"What's for dinner?"
"Cottage Pie."
"Is it nice?"
"I don't know, I'll be eating something else 'cos I don't like Cottage Pie. I made it 'cos you asked for it."
"It better be good."
"I followed the recipe to a T."
"Doesn't that make it a Cott Pie then?"

Like A Phoenix From The Ashes

Otherwise known as A.C.Milan 0 - 2 Arsenal.

Just when it looked like our season was over, the mighty Gooners pull off a stunning result like this.

Goals from Cesc Fabregas (pictured) and Manu Adebayor sealed the tie.

Not only were Milan the current champions of europe, they'd never lost at home to a British club.

Ooh to, ooh to be, ooh to be a..................

Chin Up Matey

My mate Murphski has had a rough couple of days.
He's just too nice for his own good sometimes, but I hope he doesn't dwell on what's happened too much.
Treat 'em mean and all that bollocks.

Star Wars - The Flip Side

Your Country Needs You!

Your country is looking for especially talented individuals to join their new Rodent Task Force.
Operating deep behind Taliban lines, your mission will be to gather nuts and stuff.
Probably.

Homer Knows Best # 5

"I want the answers now or eventually!"

Quality Film Quotes # 27

Daniel Day Lewis as Daniel Plainview and Paul Dano as Eli Sunday in There Will Be Blood.

Name The Song

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

Exercise Is Bad For You

And I have conclusive proof.
I recently bought an exercise bike. Primarily for the missus while she's pregnant, but also for me.
Now, this morning I weighed my self. I was 13 st, 2 1/2 lb. (I know, I'm a fat fuck.)
Then I jumped on the exercise bike for 45 minutes and kept my revolutions up to 100 per minute. By the end of it I was a sweaty, jelly legged version of my former self.
After a nice hot bath I was curious to know if there would be even the slightest difference to my weight.
There was, 13 st, 3 1/2 lb.
I've put on a pound! Just through exercise!
By this theory, at the end of next month I'm gonna be 15 st, 7 1/2 lb.
Conclusive proof, I'm sure you'll agree, that exercise is bad for you.

Lunchtime With Nanna

I finally managed to upload this photo from my phone.
On sunday the missus and me arranged to have lunch with my dad as my uncle was paying a visit. When we got to my dads house I was delighted to see that my nan had come along for the trip.
Apologies for the blurriness, the missus took the picture.
Left to right;
A rather chubby me.
My brother Paul.
Uncle Dave.
Nanna.
My niece Emily.
My Dad.

So there it is, four generations of my family.

Modern Technology

What's the point?
There are so many companies making so many products.
My last phone was superb, it could do everything. It could Bluetooth images and files to a computer, no worries.
But, my new phone, which is supposedly better, cannot transfer anything at all.
My new phone has already been launched across the room but doesn't seem to understand..........
.........my old phone still works and a Samsung G600 would fetch a fair price on Ebay.

Stupid Fucking Phone

I managed to get a nice picture of 4 generations of Spencer on my phone. Can I transfer the fucker to the computer? Can I fuck!

Get Well Soon

Arsenal forward Eduardo has suffered a horrific injury during the match against Birmingham. His left leg was badly broken and he was taken to hospital.
I wish him a speedy recovery.

How Very True!

Currently Listening To

Recently Viewed

Plenty of mindless violence and people being blown into very small pieces.

05:13 Thursday 3rd January 2008

The moment my life changed.
I was on a spare duty, which started at 10am. I would normally roll out of bed at around 8am and that was my full intention.
My sleep was briefly disturbed by the missus at around 5am as her alarm woke her up for her day shift. As soon as the alarm was silenced I fell back into oblivion.
So there I was, snoozing away not a care in the world. Happy in the knowledge that another 3 hours sleep were to come my way.
At least, that's what I thought.
I was wrong.
The door flew open and the missus shouted out "James, I'm pregnant!"
Instantly awake, I replied "You're what now?"
"I did the test! I'm pregnant!" she said whilst thrusting a plastic, piss covered device in my face.
We hugged tightly and I kissed her on the lips and told her that I loved her.
I looked at the clock, it read; 05:13.
She left me and continued to prepare for work.
I never did get those 3 hours of sleep. I laid there grinning like a fool.
I guess that sleep depravation is something I'd better get used to.

Recently Viewed

Marlon Brando in his first starring role - superb.

Typical American propaganda, but enjoyable none the less.

Out-fucking-standing! Daniel Day Lewis is superb and a dead cert for the Best Actor Oscar. Go and see this film in the cinema, the sweeping scenery and musical score will blow you away. Don't expect too much blood though!

Recently Read

I thought that Haemoglobin was a town in Scotland, Trimesters were hats and that the Colostrum was in Rome.
Apparently they're not.

Pregnant

Got a bun in the oven.
Up the duff/spout/stick.
With child.
In the pudding club.

That's my missus.
When I find out who's responsible there's gonna be trouble!
By our calculations, the baby will be due early to mid september.
Another version of me is on it's way, be afraid, very afraid!

Homer Knows Best #4

"Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems."

Be Ashamed, Very Ashamed

Man U and their fans should feel utterly ashamed of themselves.
For sure, you beat us 4-0.
But Tottenham scored 5 against us, and they really are shit.

The "Cock" Bird

While walking to the station this morning I was verbally abused by a bird of some kind. It's not the first time this bird has hurled abuse at me either. On a regular basis I hear his taunts, always the same.
"Cock."
"Cock."
"Cock."
I don't know what his problem is or if he insults other people too. What I do know is that his constant use of the word cock in my direction is very distressing.

Hockey Player Gets Throat Slashed

Apparently the player lost 5 pints of blood, nearly a third of his blood in total.
He is recovering well according to Sports Illustrated.

Quality Film Quote 26

Martin Brody: You're gonna need a bigger boat.


Roy Scheider 1932 - 2008

Stupid Bitch

Today I was sitting on the train with my iPod, trying to decide if I should listen to The Who or watch an episode of Red Dwarf. While there was no sound coming through the earphones, I overheard the conversation of the couple sitting opposite me. It went like this;

"I need to get a new phone."
"Why?"
"I find this one complicated."
"How?"
"It's too easy to use, that's what makes it complicated."

It was all I could do to stop myself punching her in the middle of her face.
I swiftly selected The Who and listened to Baba O'Riley very loudly!

The Camden Fire

I got these pictures from the BBC website.
This fire meant it took me 3 hours to get home.
I arrived at Euston and had just sat on the train when they announced that services had been suspended. I went back to the concourse and hung around for about 45 minutes waiting for information. When it became apparent that services were not going to resume soon, I made a decision.
I caught the Metropolitan line to Watford Met and then took the 20 minute walk to Watford Junction where services were operating.
Here comes the kick in the teeth......
The train I caught at Watford Junction was the first train they allowed to depart from Euston! I could have stayed where I was and had a couple of pints.
Bugger.

Interesting Fact

Zebras are black and white because they were invented before colour T.V.

Recently Played & Completed

This game is so much fun. At the end it asks if you want to play again on a more challenging level. To which I said to myself "Damn straight! I'm off to save the universe again!"

Recently Viewed

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

Last night I climbed into bed with the missus. Unfortunately she was asleep as we are on opposite shifts.
So, I turned on the telly and watched a re-run of Shooting Stars.
About halfway through the show, she sat bolt upright and said;
"Well, you'd better go and get some more then hadn't you!"
Then she laid back down and ignored my "What do I need to get?"

Don't Call Me Boss

What is the current trend of everyone calling everyone else boss?
I get it all day. It doesn't matter if I'm at work, buying something or scratching my arse. Everyone is boss this, boss that, it's driving me mental.
For the record; I'm not your boss and if I was, then I wouldn't be for long. I would sack your arse the first chance I got because you are such an annoying dick!

More Shit Music

Adele - Chasing Pavements

should i give up
or should i just keep on chasing pavements
should i just keep on chasing pavements
ooooohhh
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where

What the fuck is she on about?! Chasing pavements? Utter shit.

I Hate This Message

The page cannot be displayed

The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings.

Could it be any more vague? Why don't they just say;
"Well it could be us, it could be you, we just don't know and can't be arsed to give you a decent reason anyway. Why not dick around with your settings and completely fuck your internet browser up?!"

Red Dwarf - Tongue Tied

If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I'm copying the entire Red Dwarf collection to my iPod.

Seven

7 shifts of the late variety are about to attack again.
7 shifts of depression and misery.
7 shifts of hardly seeing the missus.
7 shifts of a fucked up sleep pattern.
7 shifts with no football.
7 shifts of drunken, stupid questions.
7 shifts until my next day off.

I bet you wish that you were me!

Churchill

Not the wartime prime-minister, he was a god.
Those fucking Churchill insurance adverts. You know the ones where some northern twat is "randomly" called from the audience to ask the foam dog a question.
These adverts seriously fuck me off and as a result, I will not be insuring my car with Churchill again. I would rather pay an extra £50 a year just to avoid the "Fuck me, these cunts insure my car and pay for the advert with my money!" feeling.

Homer Knows Best #3

Homer; Public transport is for jerks and lesbians!

Leighton Town 0 - 0 Bedworth Utd

Leighton Town failed to take advantage of the extra man.
Bedworth had their Number 8 deservedly sent off after 40 minutes. Moments after being booked for dissent, he hacked down a Leighton player. As if that wasn't bad enough, before the ref could blow his whistle the Bedworth man clattered into another Leighton midfielder.
The second half saw Leighton pile on the pressure with number 9, Ben Gallant, wasting three good chances to put The Reds in front. He wasn't the only guilty party though. Number 4, Scott Thomas, and number 15, Chris Johnson both missed glorious chances to claim all three points.
There's no doubt that this was a case of two points dropped.

That'll Be A Nice Nice Mars Bar

This is the wound left in my brothers side after his appendectomy. (Yes, I checked the spelling!)