Quality Film Quote # 30

Police Supervisor: Attention, whoever you are. This channel is reserved for emergency calls only...

John McClane: No fucking shit, lady. Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?

That's Just Plain Nasty

Where as this photo makes Peanut-Face look like a whore, it appears that her eating habits aren't very pure either.
I've just seen the dirty little bitch catch and eat a fly.

The Latest Lodger

I'm sitting on the train to work, feeling glum knowing that I won't see the lovely weather as I'll be underground and the mobile rings. It's the missus.

"Hello?"

"Oh my god! Oh my god, James!"

"What's wrong?"

"Oh my god! Oh my god!......."

I'm thinking she's gone in to labour and I just about hold on to my bowels.

"........there's a hedgehog in the garage!"

Pause.

"What?"

"There's a hedgehog in the garage!"

"A hedgehog?"

"Yeah, a massive one."

"Well show it to my toolbox and get it to finish the bathroom."

"What should I do?"

"Just leave it until I get home."

"What if it shoots spikes at me?!"

"It's a fucking hedgehog love, not a sniper."

Later I get the photo of the hedgehog sleeping under the bbq, the fucker's making himself at home!

When I get home I find him just outside the garage door, the picture didn't come out so well. I made the mistake of coming in the house to get a torch and he'd gone again. Back under the garage door and behind all the stuff that's being stored there for countless relatives. I'll have to wait until he settles for a kip tomorrow. Depending on how frisky the little raasclart is, he'll either get wrapped in an old towel and taken to the woods or he'll have his head staved in with a rusty shovel.

Why I Love "Cunts Corner"

Because sometimes I see stuff like this and I nearly fall off my chair laughing.

The Comb Over

I don't believe that I've insulted this lot yet.
What exactly are they trying to prove and to whom?
Do they think it looks good?
Surely they don't believe that we are fooled and think it's a full head of hair.
It's stupid, they know it and we know it, so stop it right now.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Way back in the day, when I'd only just qualified to work in the Ticket Office, this happened;
I was working in the Office at Clapham South and the Station Supervisor came in.
"This mobile phone was handed in as lost property. Can you put it in a keep-safe bag and place it in the safe until it's ready for despatch to the Lost Property Office."
No problem, I seal the phone in the bag, put it in the safe and log the details in the log book.
No sooner had I done this when we heard the phone ringing. So I open the safe, tear open the bag and answer the phone to, quite possibly, the most stupid woman in the world.
"Hello?"
"Oh thank god, someone's found it. That's my boyfriends phone."
"Yes he left it on a train not long ago. It's with the staff Clapham South Underground station."
"Oh that's great. He doesn't work far from there, I'll get him to pick it up at lunchtime."
"No problem, we'll keep it safe."
"Thank you, bye."
"Ta-la."
I seal the phone in another bag and put it back in the safe. As soon as I lock the safe door, the phone starts ringing again. Again, I open the safe, tear open the bag and answer.
"Hello?"
"Oh, I think I just spoke to you. Are you the guy at Clapham South?"
"Yes, is everything o.k?"
"Yes, I just phoned to tell my boyfriend I'd found his phone."
"Erm, o.k then. Bye."
"Sorry, bye."

Eagerly Awaiting

Recently Completed

The gameplay is outstanding. But even I (a MGS fan) got fed up of the video cutscenes. On average, upon completing one chapter and starting another, there was around 30-45 minutes of video to be watched. Far too long in my opinion, but that's what the MGS series is famed for.
I'm gonna play this again and skip all the cutscenes, no doubt I'll put something about it up here again.

Recently Viewed

I wanted to like this film, I really did. But I didn't. I appreciated the "darker" approach, plus it totally outstrips the previous Batman attempts. However, I just found Christian Bale a bit too wooden.

The western by which all westerns are judged. Outstanding.

A delightful (yes, delightful!) film. Highly recommended whatever your age.

A Fair Match?

This is Manchester Untited, the current champions of England and Europe.
These are the Kaiser Chiefs, a superb rock band from Leeds.

Tomorrow, Manchester United will be playing the Kaiser Chiefs in a pre-season footy match. Personally I can only see one outcome but I do hope that the Kaisers sing Ruby.

Pain In The Arse (Well, Back Actually)

Yesterday I somehow managed to pull a muscle in my back and it's absolute agony.
Why do injuries and illness only happen when I'm on holiday or a long weekend?
I needed to completely finish the bathroom this weekend and unless there's some improvement by sunday, it aint gonna happen. This will result in me having to do it on another weekend off and I only have another two before the baby is supposed to arrive.
I'm also going to a wedding reception tomorrow and won't be looking forward to it if I'm in a constant state of discomfort.
Who'd be me eh?

Recently Viewed

I...... erm...... well...... just don't bother.

Appreciation

Now and then, shit like this happens.
When it does, I know I'm in for a hell of a week.
Today is Monday, the busiest day of the week. Everyone wants their weekly travelcard or pay-as-you-go topped up. Not to mention the countless tourists who have just arrived in the area. Add into this a load of Oyster card replacements and you've got yourself one hell of a queue.
Needless to say, I worked my arse off this morning and afternoon. By the end of my duty I was tired, mentally exhausted, red eyed and had a mouth as dry as Ghandi's flip flop. I just wanted a quick getaway to clear my head, but what came was even better.
My Supervisor and pal Barry came into the Ticket Office and handed me a copy of an e-mail he'd sent to the managers office. It was a nomination for a "Thanks To You" award. I was only doing my job and didn't expect this at all. What was most greatly appreciated though, was when Barry gave me a firm handshake, looked me in the eye and said "Thanks for all your hard work today James, we really appreciate it." Words of gratitude like this go a very long way and I left work rejuvenated and very upbeat. It is the simple face-to-face thanks like this which is, in my opinion, far too often overlooked by London Underground.
Whether I get the award or not isn't important. Like I said, sometimes shit happens and you just have to deal with it. Like today.
And probably tomorrow.
Come to think of it, Wednesday's looking like a bitch too!

Forward This E-Mail Or.........

You know the ones, "Forward this e-mail or; you'll never have sex, you'll have bad / good luck, your teeth will fall out, someone will rape your cat, we'll come around to your house and inject you with ebola." O.k, I made the last three up, but you get my point.
Whoever writes these things (I suspect a greasy, spotty, teenage, friendless, self abusing yank) is a complete spaz. And anyone who actually forwards them is just as bad.
Do they really believe that my refusal to forward a shitty e-mail will result in some terrible voodoo being sent my way?
And, if I do forward it, are they so sure that my sex life will increase ten-fold?
Grow up or fuck off and die.
Forward this blog entry or you will be killed to death by rabid chickens on acid.

Thanks, But I'll Stay Up this End

Yesterday, the missus and me went to a class for parents to be.
We discussed labour, childbirth and pain relief options.
Then we watched a video on birth.........
..............yuk!
When my kid is born, I'm gonna be well away from the business end of things. I shall tentatively mop the missus brow with damp flannel while she hurls abuse at me.
I'm also gonna advise the midwife to wear a baseball glove. When the head's out, the rest of the baby comes shooting out quicker than me running to the bar.
And that's really quick.

Day Trip To Southend

Tuesday was the missus and my own rest day and we decided to make a day of it. We jumped in the car and headed to Southend. We'd never been there before and it wasn't as bad as people have said to us in the past. We walked along the worlds longest pleasure pier, along the beach and then visited the Sea-Life Centre. Despite the amount of clouds around, the weather held out really well, with only one downpour in the 4 hours we were there. We also had Wimpy for lunch, the missus saw it and that was it, Wimpy or nothing! End of Southend Pier looking towards land.
Blue skies above the beach.
These Bad Boys were looking for the next Steve Irwin.
A Sea-Horse. They're all gay you know. Fact.
Me surrounded by Pirhanas.

Suitcase Compass

I work in a busy tube station, next to a busy rail terminal and I see a lot of suitcases.
Disturbingly though, I'm noticing an increasing number of suitcases with cheap, nasty compasses in the handle.
Why?
I mean, if you are in to "adventure" holidays where you'd need a compass, you're hardly going to take a cheap wheely suitcase with you. I can just imagine a couple getting lost in the desert or jungle.
"We're lost George! I told you we should have gone left at the last sand dune / elm tree!"
"Hang on darling, all is not lost. There's a compass in the handle of this cheap, nasty suitcase I've been dragging around. Matalan have really saved the day."
To be honest, I doubt that the compass would find north, even it was three metres from the pole itself.
Maybe it's for the airport, perhaps it points the way to the bar. In which case, I'm off to buy one now.

Currently Listening To

Old Skool Ska!

Interesting Fact

Worms are baby snakes.

Quality Film Quote # 29

Ken: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a cunt. You're a cunt now, and you've always been a cunt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.
Harry: Leave my kids fucking out of it! What have they done? You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!
Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.
Harry: Insult my fucking kids? That's going overboard, mate!
Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?

Dear Foreign Person In The Street

I don't know anyone in the following countries;

Albania, Australia, Bangladesh, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Croatia, Czech Republic, France, Gambia, Germany, Ghana, Hong Kong, Hungary, India, Iran, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Kenya, Latvia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Pakistan, Philippines, Poland, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Thailand, Trinidad, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, USA or Zimbabwe.

Now, will you please stop thrusting your chavvy "discount" phone card in my face!

Currently Re-Viewing

I always loved this show, although the missus won't watch it. She reckons it's "Fucked up." So, I've transferred them all to my iPod and watch them on the train to work.

Excellent Beer Advert

Go Here.
Wait for the lady to appear, then ....
1. Write your first name in the 1st line.
2. Write your surname in the 2nd line.
There's no need to write your e-mail address.
3. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.

Thanks to my mate Darryn for this one.
If anyone can translate what's being said, please leave it in the comments.

My Kinda Guy

Last night a few of the fellas from work went on the sauce to watch the footy and say farewell to a colleague who's leaving us. This fella kept turning up and serenading us. Sorry about the video being sideways but I'd had a few by then!

Aaaarrrgh! (Or However Pain Is Spelt)

This morning I dropped a heavy glass lid from one of my saucepans onto my right big toe.
Needless to say, the air was turned a very rich shade of blue!

Recently Bought

A Led Zeppelin Baby grow for my baby, obviously.
Only 10 weeks to go!

A composite AV cable for my iPod. I can now watch stuff I've downloaded onto my iPod straight onto the T.V. Cool, eh?

Recently Viewed

Fairly average as far as cop films go. A bit predictable and a sense of "I've seen this before in another film".

Tarzan, Stargate, The Land That Time Forgot and The Lion King all rolled into one.

A comedy that revolves around a tradgedy. An excellent film although, I didn't see any swans or ice cream in it.

This Is Gonna Get Me In Trouble

I may be deleting this post as soon as I get a texted death threat from the missus.
Anyone who knows her will know that she's not very graceful. The newly born Bambi on ice skates would be less clumsy.
And that was before she was six and a half months pregnant.
You see, now she's "large with child" (I had to choose my word carefully then), my missus doesn't sit down, she flops into position and hopes for the best. She doesn't get in to bed, she takes a running jump. She doesn't turn over at night, she does a triple back flip and uses the pillow as hobby horse.
I haven't slept right through the night for weeks.
I'm tired, oh so tired.
But I guess that's a sign of things to come.

Hooray For The Return Of

It's just too bad that this cunt was on it;

I can't stand this fucking twat. Every time I hear his voice, I fell like ramming a rusty screwdriver through each ear. I also feel like gouging my eyes out with a plastic spoon.

The word cunt just isn't strong enough for him.

Interesting Fact

It is impossible to put your left earphone in with your right hand.
And vice-versa.

Recently Viewed

I really enjoyed this film. The re-make of "Ghostbusters" was hilarious.

The bastard child of "Godzilla" and "The Blair Witch Project." What the fuck was this film about?

Not the best Futurama installment.

Not one of Will Ferrell's funniest films.

Typical Telephone Conversation

The phone rings and I answer to someone calling from the other side of the world.
"Hello?"
"Hello, can I speak to Mr Spencer please."
"Speaking."
"Hello Mr Spencer. I'm calling from *random* credit cards."
"Yeah?"
"I'm just calling to offer you an increase on your spending limit. We'd like to increase the amount to £15,000. How does that sound?"
"Why?"
"You could use it for home improvements."
"My house is finished, but tell me more."
"How about a holiday?"
"That would be some holiday, continue."
"Huh? Oh, you could pay off some debts."
"Don't have any, tell me more."
"Erm, you could transfer any other balances you have, to your credit card."
"O.K, that's the same as the last offer you just gave me. You just used different words. You're gonna have to try harder than that."
"Er, look, do you want the increased limit or not?"
"Why would I want the increased limit?"
"Sir, can you answer the question and stop wasting my time."
"Do you have my details on a screen in front of you?"
"Yes."
"What's my current limit?"
"£8,500."
"And what's my current balance?"
"There's nothing owing at present."
"So, I owe you nothing and you're already willing to let me spend £8,500. It's 7pm on a friday night and I'm trying to eat my dinner and watch The Simpsons. Now tell me, who the fuck is wasting who's time?"
*Click*
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
Must be something I said.

Separated At Birth?

The evil looking, 6ft high plant lurking outside my front door;

A killer plant from the cheesy 80's T.V series, Day Of The Triffids;

Currently Wearing

Poorly Cat Humour

Realistic Puma T-Shirt

Fuck knows how they got the cat to stay still. I've been trying it with Peanut-Face but she's having none of it.

Un-Typical Workplace Conversation

They're not all bad you know, as a customer proved to me earlier.

"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm good thanks, how are you?"
"I'm O.K. I haven't seen you for a while."
"I've not long been back from annual leave and this is the last of my late shifts."
"How many have you done?"
"Seven in a row."
"Seven? That's barbaric!"
"No, what's barbaric is that I only have two days off, then I have to do eight early shifts in a row."
"How do you cope with eight days in a row?"
"I don't cope, I just do it."
"What the fuck did I come here for anyway?"
"Fucked if I know."
"See ya mate."
"Take care."

You Know You Would - Cartoon Hotties

Jessica Rabbit; Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Lois Griffin; Family Guy

Amy Wong; Futurama

Leela Turanga; Futurama

Betty Rubble; The Flintstones

Marge Simpson; The Simpsons

More Shit Music

Coldplay - Violet Hill

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow
White snow.....

....hang on a second.
There was snow right?
And it was white you say?
Not like the beige snow we get here then?
Glad we cleared that up.

Have No Idea What I'm Doing In

I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.

This Is Andy Murray

He's the British number one.
He's always injured.
He's the Darren Anderton of tennis.

Homer Knows Best #9

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Fuck Me, A Post

A apologise for the lack of updates this week, but that's how my days have been.
My late shifts have been going without incident (touch wood).
I've been coming home, going to bed, getting up in the morning, hanging around doing sod all and then going to work again.
The highlight of my week so far was when the missus made her mousaka. I duly obliged and ate loads of it.
I'm sure that someone or something will irritate me, either that or those charity fuckers will finally get their hands on me.

Airtime Wastage

I love going to the cinema.
You can't beat the feeling of seeing a film, for the first time, on "The big screen".
When I go, I expect to see adverts for forthcoming releases. Why else would we go again?
I don't want to see 17 random adverts that have no relevance to what I'm about to watch.
The list below just scratches the surface.

I really don't want to see a five minute advert for Radio One, I listen to Virgin. Besides, Tim Westwood is the biggest knob alive.
I don't want a diet coke, I'm fat and proud.
I already have a car so an advert for "The Vauxhall Antara" is irrelevant.
I rarely eat sweet food, so the Ben and Jerry's ad was a waste.
I've banked with Abbey since day one, so there's no need for Lloyds TSB to give it large.
My mobile contract is already with O2, so their ad was a waste.
I have Sky HD T.V and therefore do not require the poor man's equivilent; Virgin Media.
I shop in Tesco's not Waitrose.
I'm a bloke and spray copious amounts of Sure for men on every morning, I don't need to know of the bird's equivilent.
Seriously? A dog singing in a Volkswagen Polo?
Don't drink and drive. No shit.
I already own a Vauxhall Astra, no need for a new one.
My Samsung is better than any LG phone so get fucked.
I don't want a Mazda 2, definitely not a green one.
The Mail on Sunday? Fuck right off!
And, finally, Rob Lowe will not convince me to get an Orange mobile.

Recently Viewed

Warning; Plot Spoiler! I imagine that the first production meeting between Harrison Ford, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg went something like this;
Hello Harrison.
Hello Harrison.
Alright lads?
We've got an idea for a new Indy film.
Really? Tell me more.
It's called "Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull"
Catchy title, do proceed.
Well, Indy bumps into this kid who turns out to be his son with Marion, from the first film.
Sounds unlikely.
Ray Winstone's in it.
O.K, things are looking up.
He's a secret agent.
A double agent.
A triple agent.
I think I'm gonna leave now guys, thanks anyway.
No wait, it involves the ancient Incas and their city of gold.
Good, at last it sounds a bit more "Indy" like.
There's aliens.
Sorry, what did you say?
Aliens.
Are you taking the piss. Aliens in an "Indy" film?
No, we're serious. There are aliens in this film dude.
I'm outta here. You two are a pair of cunts.
We'll pay you millions.
Fuck off!
Billions, when you count the merchandise.
I'm in, just make sure you throw in some cute animals, improbable stunts and shite jokes. And try not to make me look too old.

Utter, utter shit! I feel like I've been arse raped after watching this film.
Don't watch it in the cinema.
Don't wait for the DVD.
Don't even watch it on telly in ten years time.
Just forget it was ever made.

One Of My Five A Day?

I'd like to think so!!

Recently Viewed

Not a bad film.

Not great one either.

Middle of the road on this one. An interesting and engaging concept from the start, it just gets a bit flimsy and predictable towards the end.

99.9% - A long Post For Me

99.9%.
That's how much of my house I reckon is complete.
It's not been easy, the last four years have been horrible, in fact this last week and a half has been hell.
I've made the decision that the bathroom is the worst room in the home to do up. Especially when your missus wants a power shower fitted.
It was a hot day today and as a result the loft was hotter than two rats fucking in a real wool sock. I had to squeeze between pipes that were burning to the touch, lay on fibre glass insulation (which has covered my whole body in an angry itchy rash), ram myself into a space that was too small for my cat, drag heavy cable along with me and then thread it through the eye of a needle. I couldn't have done the cable without my dad, who I'm eternally grateful to. Anyway, the shower is plumbed and wired in, all it needs is an electritian to connect it to the mains fuse box. (I have limits to my D.I.Y)
I've also been doing a load of other bits around the house.
There are still a few bits of sealing to do as well as some paint touch ups (and I'm good at touching things up!).
It hasn't helped that we are on holiday and have made arrangements, done other things and an incident of "We're on our way" (but they never turned up!!) which could've been spent D.I.Y-ing.

I do all this, put up with the constant pain and aches for my beloved missus and our forthcoming child.

Although, I'll be glad to back to work for a rest!!

Recently Viewed

Not as enjoyable as the first National Treasure. The ending was obviously left open for a third film.
There was something seriously fucked up with Nicolas Cage's hair though.

More Bad Ads

Lets get the ball rolling shall we;

The Slimfast one. Where the bird sings about her booty. I feel like beating myself to death with an empty beer can (and I have a lot of them) after seeing this ad.

The Halifax Ads. I'm sure that there is no explanation needed here.

The footy ads on BBC and ITV. We're not in it, so would we give a a fuck when it's on?

Mars. O.K, did they bother to read the above entry? We're not in it so why the fuck would we want to eat thirty Mars bars just to earn a plastic football?

Someone approves these adverts.
I can only assume they are single.
And play with themselves.
Alot.