D&A Today

Today I had my first ever drugs and alcohol test. D&A, as it's known to us Underground employees, is "randomly" used to ensure that we're not junkies or piss heads.
It involves a breath test similar to those the police use and we have to provide a urine sample,
I don't mind telling you that I was quite nervous about it. I knew I had nothing to worry about. I don't get pissed if I'm working the next day and I don't take drugs. What made me nervous was the "Sit here, read this, this is what we are going to do, this is what you are going to do, sign this, etc."
Do you think I could piss?
Could I fuck. Four glasses of water and 20 minutes later I finally managed it.
Anyway, I'm still a London Underground employee as my breath test was clean as a whistle (how clean are whistles anyway?). My urine results should be back and very clean next week.
By the way, I love the way the form has "appointment date" on it. As if we'd mutually agreed a date and time.

Currently A Rock God In

Actually, I'm terrible. I thought I'd be rocking like Dave Grohl but I reckon I'm more like Leo Sayer.

I'm lying again there, I'm not even that good!

Recently Viewed

I know it's childish, but I laughed my arse off on a regular basis.

I'll Have, Erm, Just A Water For Me

I found this interestingly named resturant while out on my break today. I don't know what kind of food they serve, but I wouldn't order anything in a white sauce if I were you!

Star Wars - Deleted Scenes

Ever wonder why Luke's uncle and aunt were killed?
Ever wonder why the Imperial Stormtroopers attacked the Jawas transporter?
This video explains all. I believe that this is genuine footage, left on the cutting room floor by George Lucas himself.

Head Up Bro

My brother-in-law's had a rough time at work this week.
I won't go into details here, but I just want him to know that we're thinking of him.

Even More Success!

I was so pissed off at wasting part of my life watching Balls Of Fury, I had a rant on Cunts Corner.
And they published it, click here.

Recently Viewed And Played

It's great to be able to control the god known as Homer, but the game is a bit lame.
One for the kids. A few funny scenes.

If you like Will Smith and no-one else in your films, then this is for you.
Utter, utter shite of the highest order.
Interesting. About the lives of three men who are called up in modern day military draft.
Outstanding fun. If you've got kids then buy this game and pretend it's for them. Then don't let them play it because you're playing it yourself.
Very enjoyable, even if it is predictable.

Christmas Is Over

Get back to work you lazy sods!
If I've got to go then so have you.

A Crazy Catnip Christmas

Peanut-Face enjoying her catnip treats.

Peanut-Face 10 minutes after enjoying her catnip treats.

Festive Greetings!

I'd like to wish all of my readers a very Merry Christmas!

Oasis - Merry Christmas Everybody

The best christmas cover ever?
It gets my vote.

Quality Film Quote 24

Seth: I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard.

George Clooney's "Seth" in From Dusk Till Dawn.

Interesting Fact

The official spelling (as outlined by the National Turkey Society) of a turkey's noise is "Lbmlbmbblmblbmblbmlbmbl".

Interesting Fact

Tottenham Hotspur are no longer unbeaten against Arsenal with Juande Ramos as their new manager.

Interesting Fact

Tottenham Hotspur are unbeaten against Arsenal with Juande Ramos as their new manager.

Hmmm?

I have no idea what that last post was about.
It's amazing what 12 cocktails and 6 lagers will do to you.

Super Modern Mattress

Computerised foam mattress are here.
They are now, they are the future.
If you don't get one then we'll kill you and make it look like an accident.

Christmas Shopping

Unfortunately, due to the joys of employment and illness, I've yet to go shopping for a present for the missus.
This means that at some point today, I'll be heading over to Milton Keynes shopping centre and spending loads of money.
I fucking hate Milton Keynes at the best of times, today though, it's gonna be a nightmare.

Human Again

After 4 days of feeling like absolute shite, I feel much better today. I don't know if it's entirely the fact that I'm off work now, but I'm sure it's a massive part.
I really was under the weather. I was coming home from work, eating and then going to bed until 4 am came around again. I suppose I should have taken a few days off really, but I didn't want to let my colleagues down in the busy build up to christmas.
I'm sure they'd do it for me. One for all, and all for one, and all that bollocks.
Probably.

Death Awaits You, Possibly

As previously posted, I'm currently dying from Bird Flu.
Last night I went to bed nice and early in an attempt to get some much needed sleep.
With the exception of my niece, anyone who phoned my house or my mobile after I'd gone to bed, will soon be beaten to death with a stale Ginsters pasty.
So, if you are one of the 5 who called, keep a look out for the tired looking, coughing, wheezing, spluttering, sneezing, chicken and mushroom pasty armed lunatic.

The Most Wonderful Gift Of All

It appears that the missus has decided to give me an early Chritmas present this year, her stinking cold.
The worst thing for me about colds, is the lack of sleep. When I'm on late shifts it's not a problem, I can stay in bed 'till the afternoon. But, as I'm getting up at 4am for earlies this week, I'm in for a rough few days.

The Joy Of 3

1; Arsenal beat Chelsea for the first time in 4 years to go back to the top of the league.

2; To add insult to injury, it was ex-Chelsea player and new Arsenal legend, William Gallas who scored the winner.

3; Lassana Diarra (above), who I have recently ranted about, has said he wants to leave Arsenal.

Good news all round then.

Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby

This photo is conclusive proof that I went to see the Kaiser Chiefs at Earl's Court. It was a fucking awesome gig (yes, I remember it!) and I thank D&T who got me and the missus tickets for christmas.

The Great Santa Conspiracy

Santa Clause.
Father Christmas.
Saint Nick.
Chris Cringle.
Papa Noel.


It don't matter where you come from or what your name for him is.
What is important is that the old git don't exist and never has.
I have numerous friends and family with children and they all use the "Santa" shite.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against Christmas. I like the way it encourages a family togetherness, which is usually missing these days.
What I am against is people working hard all year round to earn money, which they use to buy gifts for their children, only to say that some elf bummer from a very cold place has brought them. For nothing.
Fuck off!
How do we teach kids the value of honesty when we lie to them every Christmas?
When I've got kids, they're gonna be told the truth from the off; "We flushed your Goldfish down the lavvy", "Santa don't exist", "If you touch anything that belongs to me then you'll get an electric shock", "Don't call your teddy Mohammed" that kinda stuff.
Mind you, the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny are cunts too!

Lassana (What's A Team Mate?) Diarra

Can someone please explain to me, what this fucker does?
As far as I can tell, he plays only when decent players are injured and then insists on giving the ball away persistently.
My argument; Against Newcastle (drew) and Middlesborough (lost) he gave the ball away non-stop. He only played in these games because Fabregas, Flamini and Diaby were injured. Furthermore, when he came on against Steaua Bucharest tonight, the midfield lost all composure.
The bloke is a pile of arse.
I can only assume that Chelsea sold him to us, in revenge of us buying William Gallas on the cheap while off-loading Cashley Cole.
Fuck off back to Chelski you muppet!

Nosey Bleeder

I've just woke up with a really heavy nose bleed.
The only thing I can put it down to is stress due to the fact that I am decorating yet again.
You see, I don't have "rest days", only "days where I work away from my normal working environment".

Going Through Changes

You will, no doubt, have noticed the new layout of my 'blog.
But, did you notice the new sub-header?

Recently Viewed

I didn't enjoy this film one bit. It was 2 hours of my life that will never be returned.

Woo-Hoo!

I won £34 on the lottery last night.
I'm rich!
Rich I tells ya!

Interesting Fact

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Be Careful

Those Currys Adverts

I suppose that old bearded cunt in the red jumper is meant to be Father Christmas is he?

Large Umbrella Users

Kindly take a moment to look where the fuck you are walking, turning and randomly stopping.
I happen to be rather fond of my eyeballs where they are and would prefer not to have them impaled on the end of your umbrella spoke.
Why the fuck do you need a five foot wide umbrella anyway?
Twats.

Happy Birthday!

To this very blog, which is one year old today.
There have been; moans, rants, insults, sympathy votes, well wishes, ill wishes, a "considering quitting" and all manner of old shit posted.
Every month my site is literally inundated (yes, I checked the spelling!) with one comment!
7167 hits and counting, thank you.

Be lucky,

James.

I Support Help For Heroes

"Soldiers serve their country; they are servicemen and women. They get sent to wars and they fight, that’s their job and they do their job brilliantly. Sometimes they are killed while serving their country and when that happens it is a tragedy and we remember them with pride.

Sometimes they are wounded and when that happens we must care for them. These days our front line treatment and our medics are so good that our soldiers are surviving wounds that they would have died from 10 years ago. Some of those injuries are horrific, many are amputees and many are complex trauma cases. Nowadays they don’t die,… they survive and we must ensure that they go on to live good fulfilling lives.

These wounded soldiers are our boys and girls and they are our responsibility. We, the people of Great Britain are their parents, regardless of what we might think of the wars that they fight;…they are just ordinary people who we ask to do extraordinary things.. we ask them to risk their lives on our behalf. Which means doing our utmost to support them when things go wrong."

Bryn Parry,
Appeal Chairman of Help For Heroes

Interesting Fact

Polar bears are left handed.

More Shit Music

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

I will happily cut you open if you don't stop singing this pile of arse you consider music.

James Blunt, He's Not Such A Cu*t

Two things I discovered by watching Top Gear last night.

1; Despite having a squeeky voice and giving us shit music, James Blunt is actually a top fella. He was the "Star in a reasonably priced car" and during his interview with Jeremy Clarkson he seemed really funny. He even took the piss out of himself.

2; Lewis Hamilton is also a funny little fucker. He's not faster than The Stig though.

Warning: Crack Can Kill

Bum Chin

Why don't you see people with cleft (bum) chins anymore?

I'm not talking about those with a slight dimple, I'm talking proper Kirk Douglas arse projection.

Where have they gone? Have they been taken away and disposed of? Have they all grown beards?

Sad To See The Back Of

My Name Is Earl has come to an end again.
If you don't watch this show then you're a fool.

Recently Played & Completed

Outstanding use of the PS3's power. Awesome picture and sound quality.
But, it was over far too soon.
In my opinion, a game that costs £40 should take more than 5 hours to complete.

Happy Birthday

To my mate Darryn. He's the one with half a face on the far right.

Typical Workplace Conversation

The ignorance of some of my customers is astounding.
Today a customer asked me;
"Excuse me pal, how do I get to Liverpool?"
"Is that the city of Liverpool, or London Liverpool Street station?"
"Liverpool itself."
"O.K, go out that exit, turn left and walk to the mainline station."
"Ta pal."
Ten minutes later.
"S'cuse me, you're out of order. You gave me the wrong information!"
"Sorry?"
"I want to to go Liverpool Street to catch my train to Cambridge!"
"That's not what you said earlier."
"Yes it is."
"If you say so mate."
"I'm gonna write to complain!"
"I'd give you the address, but you'll probably write it wrong on the envelope anyway."

Don't get me wrong, I know we deserve stick sometimes, but when you approach us and we seem grumpy, isn't it possible that we've just dealt with complete spastic like this?

Interesting Fact

Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead.

The Sheer Elation!

My iPod was well and truly fucked, so they've sent me a brand spanking new one.
A return of Led Zep and the Foo's while travelling to work, heaven!

Recently Read

This book is brilliant. I couldn't put it down.
I recommend this book to every football fan, regardless of whether or not they support Arsenal.

Work Sundays Can Fuck Off

I hate working on sundays.
I wish they'd just fuck off.
Fuck off.
Fuck off.
Fuck off.
Fuc.......................................................................................................................................................................k off.

Friday Night, Monday Morning

I know this is old and that you've probably seen it before, but it still makes me laugh.

I guess for London Underground employees, this would be Thursday Night, Tuesday Afternoon!

Spot The Cat

Our beloved cat Peanut-Face.

Also known as; Pine-nut. Fuck Off. Peanuckle-Head. Get Down. Pheobe. Leave That. Oi! And my personal favourite; Stop Scratching That Fucking Couch!

But I've Been So Careful

All through last night and so far this morning, I've been suffering gut wrenching stomach pains.
I hope I'm not up the duff.

I Want One Of These

The Audi R8.
Stunning.

Appropriate Joke

What's the difference between England and Lewis Hamilton?
Lewis will still have a McClaren this morning!

Thanks to my mate Marlon for this one!

Full Time

Utter, utter cunts.
Not fit to wear the shirt.

Half Time

Utter, utter cunts.
Not fit to wear the shirt.

Saying Nothing

There's a certain footy match on tonight.
No good luck shall be wished.
No pictures shall be posted.
No jinx shall be my responsibility.
End.

Interesting Fact

Foxes don't like mushrooms.

Tuesday 20th November 2007

01:00- Fell into bed after my seventh and final late shift.
05:45- Woken up by an alarm set by the missus.
06:30- It's clear that sleep is refusing to overcome me again so I get up.
07:30- Watch a film.
09:30- Phone call from British Gas "I'll be there in about thirty minutes"
09:50- British Gas man arrives. He's american, my least favourite race of people. He won't shut up, I'm not even in the same room but he's talking to himself. Power switched off.
13:45- British Gas man leaves. I still can't go anywhere, waiting for deliveries and another gas man. At least the power is back on.
14:50- Ikea delivery. Still can't go anywhere, waiting for a UPS delivery and another gas man.
15:25- Another British Gas man comes to put a new seal on the meter to make sure that we can't fiddle them. It's ironic really, 'cos they've been fiddling us for years! Still can't go anywhere, waiting for a UPS delivery.
17:10- UPS delivery.
17:20- Tesco's.
17:55- Start cooking dinner for my dad and myself. Toad in the hole.
18:45- Eat dinner.
19:05- Take the car to the station for the missus.
19:20- Finally have time to myself and I'm completely shattered.
*All times are approximate.

Piss Taker

That's my missus.
And I don't mean that we're into golden showers either!
Hmm, although....... no, better leave it!
She's basically taken my rest day tomorrow and thrown it out the window.
We have British Gas (if and when they turn up) coming to change the fuse box, a delivery from Ikea (depends if they're on swedish or english time) and I've got to wait for a parcel from UPS.
Where's my quality time?
I'd planned to kick some arse on PS3's Resistance; Fall Of Man and Wii's Metroid Prime, as well as going shopping and knocking around on the 'net. I may also have found time for a tug on my old fella.
Not only is all that out the window, she's also told me that I'm gonna be homeless on the 15th December as she's planned a girly night in with a friend.
"You need to arrange to stay with a relative" she said.
So, in summary, I'm stuck indoors all day tomorrow and I'll be staying at your gaff on the 15th December.

Don't Touch Me

I don't know where you've been.

Run Forrest, Run!

A very good friend of mine is running in the London Marathon next year. She'll be running for a very worthwhile charity called WellChild, which focuses on sick children.
If you feel like dipping into your pocket, please click here.

Me Israelite!

Wow, what can I say? The Israelis have done us a massive favour tonight. I honestly couldn't see them getting any kind of result tonight. But, they did and now I'm Israeli.
This is James Ben-Spencerberg, reporting from Leighton Tel-Buzzard saying Mazel Tov to one and all!

Typical Workplace Conversation

While covering a meal break on the the gateline, a foreign gentleman approaches me.
"Excuse me sir, the gate kept my ticket."
"It must've been a single ticket, they're retained by the gates."
"Oh, but I needed it for a receipt."
"O.K, I should be able to get your ticket from inside the gate."
"Thank you."
I go over to the automatic gate.
"Where have you just travelled from?"
"The Netherlands."

I Hate My Life (And Yours)

Last month it was my PS3, now it's my poxy iPod. The screen just stays white. I can hear the music if I press buttons randomly, but I can't choose what I want to listen to. I've tried everything, but alas, it will need to go for a service.
Cocking hell!

Also, the missus decided to use a bollard to help turn the car around a corner this evening. As a result, we now have an unsightly dent in the drivers side door.
Cunting hell!

Plus I'm on late shifts.

Finally, I'm down to my last beer.

I'm ready to lash out at the next person I see. If it turns out to be you, then please don't take it personally.
I will apologise as soon as all the tubes have been removed from your body and your jaw has been un-wired.

Quality Film Quote 23

Soldier: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
Soldier: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Soldier: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
Soldier: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
Soldier: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
Soldier: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
Soldier: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
Soldier: Well, this is a temperate zone.
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
Soldier: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
Soldier: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
Soldier: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
Soldier: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
Soldier: Am I right?

Your Opinion Please

Should men drink Baileys?
I don't mean on a rare, nay, freak occasion.
No.
I mean enjoying a glass or two every night.
Personally, I think it's for women and ladyboys.

Bra Shopping

While shopping, the missus decided that she needed a couple of funbag holders.
I don't know why I took this photo.
I'm obviously some kind of colossal pervert.

Busy Weekend

Sorry about the lack of updates this weekend, we've had a lot to do.
On friday we went with some friends to a comedy show on the Tattershall Castle on the River Thames. Plenty of beer and a good laugh was had.
Saturday night we went out for a meal and drinks with some friends in Watford. Plenty of beer and food was had.
On sunday we went picture shopping had dinner with my mum's. No pictures were bought, but through the day, plenty of beer was had.
Today, we took the car for it's M.O.T in London. On the way back we went into Brent Cross for a bit of shopping and a bite to eat. All you can eat pizza buffet for £4.99. The waitress gave me the "I think you've had enough" look after my fourth trip.
So that was that really, I'm back on glorious late shifts from tomorrow.

Virgin Radio

I am well aware that Amy Winehouse has sung a cover version of "Valerie".
Now, can you fucking please play something else?

Arse Kicking

This bloke got a serious arse kicking on Resistance Fall Of Man last night. Not bad, considering I was drunk!

Shit T.V

Below is a list of T.V programmes that are a load of shit. Anyone who watches these shows should be shot in the face.

ALL soap operas
Deal Or No Deal
Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old?
Anything else with Noel Edmonds
Jeremy Kyle / Trisha type shows
X-Factor
Any "celebrity" based compititions
Footballers Pads / Cribs type shows
Big Brother
Anything on Channel 5 / 5 Life / 5 U.S (Except C.S.I)
Desperate Housewives

That is all for now.
Thank-you.

Recently Viewed

Very funny;Robert Carlyle with a dodgy english accent;
Only 4 funny bits;
Outstanding. Denzel, Russ, and Ridley at their best;

Fighting Talk

I'm going to have a rather stern discussion with my neighbour today.
The same one who thought it was o.k to have her roof repaired until 7:30 pm at night.
Apparently, she also believes that it's fair to play classical music loudly until 11:30 pm, despite being well aware that the missus and myself do shift work.
As a result, I've had four hours sleep and am in the foulest of foul fucking moods.

Premier Managers

Lawrie Sanchez, Fulham F.C;

Should've gone to Specsavers.

Gareth Southgate, Middlesborough F.C;

Should've gone to Nosesavers.

.

Juande Ramos, Tottenham Hotspur F.C;

Should've sacked his agent.

Heather Mills-McCartney

A fucking waste of blood and organs this cunt is!

Recently Viewed

This is the film for you if;
A) You like improbable (sorry, impossible) stunts.
B) You like films with no storyline.
C) You like bad acting.
D) You don't believe that the Die Hard franchise should have been left alone after the original.
A seriously piss poor attempt at a film I'm afraid.

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