Happy St George's Day

PROUD TO BE ENGLISH!

It's Not The Size That Counts......

We recently ordered a new sink for the bathroom (I hope we don't have the same issues we have with the toilet seat!) and it arrived today in three boxes.
I checked that the sink and pedestal were intact and then turned my attention to the last box.
It must be the taps I thought, they must be quite big.

But no, that huge box contained a small bag of bolts to fix the sink to the wall. A bit of a waste.

7 Days To Go

I can't wait!

Sunday Drivers

In particular, the man in the blue Hyundai, who was in front of me between the A4146 and the M1 this morning.

25 mph in a 30 mph zone.
30 mph in a 40 mph zone.
45 mph in a 60 mph zone.

There's a word for people like you.

Bog Seat Badness

This house has a curse.
Since we moved here four years ago, we've had five different toilet seats. I'm getting fed up of having to change them.

1; The seat that was present when we moved in was cheap and nasty so we changed it.

2; The seat we replaced it with was much nicer, but we decorated the bathroom a year later and it no longer matched.

3; The "mosaic" design seat we bought to match the bathroom lasted about two years. After this it kept coming loose and nothing I did would fix it.

4; We bought exactly the same design and this lasted a while before cracking on one side when I dropped it down to have a shit.

5; We've had the current toilet seat less than three months, now the hinge has broken.

I'm beginning to see why the previous occupants had a cheap nasty seat on the toilet in the first place.

Interesting Fact

It is illegal to poke crabs with a pointy stick.
The punishment for such a crime is to have several crabs lubricated with Vaseline and placed into your pants.
So, the next time you're on the beach, pointy stick in hand, think twice.

Currently Viewing

I've been meaning to watch this since, well, when it was first released.
Firstly, when it was on T.V I couldn't watch it due to shift work and the lack of Sky Plus at the time.
Then my brother lent me his DVD boxset, for whatever reason, I completely forgot about it before handing it back to him.
About a year ago I bought my own boxset when it was much cheaper. I watched a couple of episodes while drunk and couldn't remember them. This meant that I'd have to watch them again in order to understand the remainder of the series and I couldn't be arsed.
I've now converted them onto my iPod and am determined to get through the entire series.

Less Stress, For Now

After my insomnia induced rant this morning, I feel much more at ease.
I had a bit of a pep talk with my supervisor and pal Barry this morning.
This was followed by a relatively pain free shift (If ever I needed one, then today was the day!).
I got home and crashed out for a couple of hours, then got up and had my favourite Pie 'n' Mash dinner with my brother and niece.
The missus said she can now feel the baby kicking, so I'm gonna spend this evening with my hand on her belly, hoping.
I guess that sometimes I let things build up and get wound up by them until I explode. I'm fortunate to have this blog as an outlet. How else would I moan about all those clipboard wielding charity fuckos?
I still hate my job, but thanks to calming words of wisdom from colleagues, good food, family and the hope of movement from my unborn child, things are in perspective once more.

Enough Is Enough

My homelife is as near as makes no difference to perfect.
The missus and myself are expecting our first child. We have a lovely 3 bedroom bungalow (Although, I'd like to pay less mortgage for it!). A cat that keeps me entertained and company when the missus is working. All the mod cons that a bloke could ask for and a very comfy bed.

My worklife, however, tears at the very existance of my soul.
It's not the money, I get a fair wage.
The holidays aren't bad either.
It's not London Underground either. If anything, I'm proud to work on the Tube.
Nor is it my colleagues, who keep me sane.

It's this;
There is no challenge in my job. Nothing. It's soul destroying.
For eight hours a day I listen to people moaning, non-stop.
"My Oyster card's not working." (Usually because they've failed to validate it at one end of their journey or haven't topped up their pre-pay.)
"The fares are too high."
"The service is shit."
"This."
"That."
"And the other."
"Blah, blah, blah, until the end of your shift."

Well let me tell you something, I couldn't give a fuck anymore. I've listened to it for over seven years.

They're not the one stuck for eight days in a row in a boring, endless job they hate. They're not the one listening to people bitching at and blaming them for something that is out of their control. They're not the one who gets sworn at just because there's a 5 minute gap in the train service. They're not the one who's been spat at and assaulted in the past.

They are the ones who will no longer get sympathy from me.
They'll get a polite smile and a customer services card.

I am determined that this job will not get me down anymore.
I am determined that this job will not cause sleep deprived nights, such as this, anymore.

Customer services card anyone?

End.

Answered Prayers

This is Pie, Mash 'n' Liquor, a traditional London meal.

Words can't say how much I love this dish. However, living in Leighton Buzzard means I haven't had it for ages.

While looking on the 'net for the recipe, I found this site which will deliver the meals for you by courier. I've just ordered 8 pies and 8 liquors (I'll freeze some obviously!) for £30, I'll do my own mash.

Should be here on friday.

I'm not sure I can wait that long!

Marvin Hagler VS Thomas Hearns 1985

I could 'ave 'em!

Fed Up

I'm fed up this week.
I hate my job and I'm not sleeping well.

Run Forrest, Run

Me, the missus and Peanut-Face would like to say a huge GOOD LUCK to Teresa, who is mad enough to be running 26.2 miles in tomorrow's London Marathon.
Unfortunately I'll be working and won't be able to go and cheer her on, but I'll be thinking of her.
Bearing in mind Roger Bannisters four minute mile, she should finish in 1 hour, 45 minutes.

While I'm On The Subject Of Charity

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna leap out in front of you and beg for your bank account details.
But, if you are in the mood for giving, then plaese donate here.
My good friend Teresa is running the London Marathon on sunday for a damned good cause.

Charity Bastards (Yet Again)

Today I went out on my break and I had to cross the road.
This fucker couldn't even wait until I'd stepped from the road onto the pavement. She jumped in front of me and shouted "Stop!"
She seemed less than impressed when I dipped my shoulder in her direction and sped up.
"What's your problem?" she asked.
"You, you fucking idiot. This is a busy road, with buses and trucks and stuff. Why would you stop me getting off of it?"
"Erm, for charity?"
"If the charity is for your ability to be a cunt, then put me down for a tenner."
These people need to die, they are not helping third world countries. They are being paid to jump in our way and inconvenience our lives.

Recently Viewed

Two supurb films in one day! Firstly; Rendition. Solid performances all round and a twist that will have you thinking so much that you'll have to watch the last half an hour again. I highly recommend this film.
Unless you're thick, in which case you should stay away.

Secondly; Vantage Point. This film has gone straight into my top ten. I have to be honest, I was getting bored with the same story being told over and over from a different vantage point (hence the name of the film). But the last half an hour brings it all together, leaving you (and me) astounded and greatly appreciative at what you've actually seen on the screen so far. I cannot speak highly enough of this film.

Recently Viewed

Supurb film, Clooney and Wilkinson are brilliant as the "fixer" and his problematic and sometimes nude lawyer, although that description makes this sound like a comedy, which it isn't.

I have no idea as to what the story was in this film. All I know is that some kind of Predator/Alien hybrid and its Alien offspring fight a solitary Predator. In between the fight scenes is a load of non-sensical shit with humans.

Second World War drama about a ships captain and his tussle with a U-boat commander. Robert Mitchum, you can't go wrong with him.

This film has Steve McQueen in it. You need no other reason to watch it.

Outstanding. If you have a child then you should use them as an excuse to go and see this film. If you don't have kids, then lie and say that you have so that you see it. I laughed my arse off on numerous occasions.

Lates Again

Seven lates have come around again.
Joy.

Interesting Fact

The thought of becoming a father is scaring me.
Georgina will save me though, she always has.

Rhinoplasty Consideration

I don't know what causes it, but I have an allergy to something.
Today I had a really bad "attack" and have spent all day sneezing and blowing my nose. The constant sneezing and blowing has left me with a very sore nose, which I wish to be amputated, and a headache.
I don't think it's the cat causing it, I've had cats all my life. Nor do I think it's hayfever. For a start it's not hayfever weather (snow in April?), besides, I can suffer from it at any time during the year.
Truth be told, I never suffered from it when I lived in London. Maybe I'm allergic to Bedfordshire, there's a lot to be said for pollution.

Leighton Town 0 - 2 Evesham Utd

A disapointing result as Leighton dominated possesion until Evesham scored on 80 minutes. Before Leighton could re-group, Evesham struck again on 82 minutes to kill of any chance of a revival.
On the plus side, I managed to upset Evesham's manager by questioning his decision to wear a pink shirt and green tie combo.

First BBQ of 2008

The missus was desperate for a barbecue today, it must have been a craving because she couldn't be dissuaded.
The weather has been fantastic in Linslade, Bedfordshire today, so out came the small "barbie", on went the home made burgers and pork steaks.
Has anyone else had a barbecue this early in the year?

Green Fingers

I hate gardening.
Not to mention mowing the lawn, which I despise (which home chore don't I hate?).
The problem is that our lawn hadn't been mowed / mown (delete as appropriate) since last year. As a result the grass was about nine inches (and I know nine inches!) high and kept causing the mower to jam.
I was having to un-jam it non-stop and ended up having green fingers.

Baby Ultrascan

These are the first pictures of our unborn child.

It was amazing to see him/her on the screen and I have to confess to feeling a bit un-manly at first.

After the scan we had to see my nemisis Mr Lobb.

Then the missus had her triple test (?) and I had some blood taken for screening, as there is a history of Cystic Fibrosis in my family.

Leighton Town 1 - 4 Chesham Utd

Despite the scoreline, the game wasn't one sided.
Fifth placed Chesham Utd seemed to score all four of their real oppertunities on 10, 60, 64 and 70 minutes.
Leighton had a few chances of their own but failed to convert until 80 minutes which was too little too late.
The result has ended any real hopes of Leighton Town making the playoffs this season.
On saturday we play Evesham Utd who are top of the league.

5:10 To Euston

Not to be confused with the film "3:10 To Yuma", the 5:10 to Euston is a train that never departs on time.
In fact, I've never even known this train to be within sight of the station, let alone waiting on the platform at 5:10.
I'm grumpy enough going to work at this time in the morning, but this always pisses me off further.
Train times are obviously just suggestions to London Midland.
Tossers.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Some customers don't know in what order the days of the week are.
"Can you tell me when my ticket runs out please?"
I check his card details.
"It runs out on wednesday night mate."
"So can I use it on thursday?"
"Apparently not. You see thursday is the day after wednesday. Unfortunately, this means that your ticket won't be valid the day after it expires."

Daylight Saving

All I know is that someone to do with the something, at the somewhere, at somepoint in history, means I lost an hours sleep.
Click here for more info.
I won't be reading it, I'm far too tired.

Espresso Explosion Burns

The pictures aren't as clear as I'd like, but you get the idea.

Recently Ordered

A Bialetti, 3 cup espresso pot.
I love espressos and this is the proper way to make them, on the cooker, in a pot.
My old espresso machine tried to kill me this afternoon. The pressure built up too much and sent the bit that holds the coffee flying. This has resulted in a burnt right hand, a broken espresso cup, a hell of a lot of cleaning up to do and a free plug socket is now available where the machine used to be.
If I hadn't moved quickly enough a trip tp A&E would have been needed. As it is, the area between my thumb and index finger has three blisters and the finger next to the little one has a blister between the top two knuckles.
Ouch.

King Cobra

Comes in a 750ml bottle at 8% alc volume.
A bit too fizzy for my liking, but at around three quarters of the bottle down you forget about most things.

Mead Open Farm

I taked my neece to the farm and deez are the anamuls wot I sawd;

A sheep and newborn lamb.

Bunny rabbits.

Piggy.

Goat.

Fuckaducks.

A big fat ass.

I have no idea what this mother-fucker is supposed to be!

And a great big cock.

New Chair

We bought a new chair for the computer today.
Well, it's not for the computer, that's on a desk.
The chair is for us. I figured that if I'm gonna spend so much time entertaining my millions of readers, I might as well do it in comfort.

Homer Knows Best # 7

"Why does stuff that happens to stupid people keep happening to me?"

Cheeky Git

I popped into Homebase to pick up a couple of bits for the house.
At the exit was a bloke promoting the local gym. He obviously looked at my slightly (ahem) podgy waistline.
"Hello sir, would you like to join the gym?"
"No sir,would you like a fat lip?"
Luckily he saw the funny side and we both laughed.

Oops

This is our new catflap. The old one broke as it was permanently being wedged open as our beloved Peanut-Face was too lazy to push it open herself.
I was determined that this wouldn't be the case with the new one.
I've made it my mission this week to teach Peanut-Head how to use it.
While trying to force her through, I encountered some resistance. I assumed she was pushing back with her front paws so I changed my grip.
Now I was holding her so she couldn't push back, still I encountered resistance.
Not to be outdone by a catflap I pushed harder, to the point where Peanut hissed and growled at me. I let her go thinking something was wrong with the catflap.
On inspection it appeared that I hadn't unlocked it and for the last minute I had been ramming my cats skull into a locked flap.
She seems to be avoiding me at the moment.

Little Cow

My niece Emily is getting far too clever.
This weekend she stayed with my brother and told him that her tooth fell out during the week. My brother asked if the Tooth Fairy visited her but she replied "No, my mummy says the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to her house."
My brother and his missus thought this was a bit unfair of Emily's mother and both slipped a quid under Em's pillow while she slept.
The next morning they were pleased to see Emily smiling very broadly and only then noticed that no teeth actually appeared to be missing.
On further inspection this was indeed the case, my niece had pulled a fast one.
When asked why she'd lied she said "I just wanted the money."
She's only five.
Mind you, this could say something for our kid's intelligence as he failed to check before giving her the money.
If you're reading this Paul, my leg fell off this morning. That's gotta be worth a monkey!

Currently Reading

This book only arrived this morning and I've already got through 60 pages. I cannot seem to put it down, despite doing numerous jobs around the house.
So far there is very little similarity to the recent film but that makes the book all the more enjoyable as I don't know what's around the corner.
My bro-in-law Gary recommended this book to me and I recommend it to you.
Except you Gary, you've read it already.

Merry.....Erm......Easter?

7:00pm 21st March 1998

Ten years ago today, my life changed.
Someone came into my life on a permanent basis and has made me the man I am.
It was a friday, 7pm and she walked through the doors of The Thornbury Castle pub on Enford Street, Westminister.
We'd known each other for a few years before, but I'd waited until we were a bit older before I asked her out. You see, I knew she was the one from the moment I set eyes on her and I didn't want to ruin it with a meaningless childhood snog.
She wore a stunning black dress with a flower pattern going up the left (her left) hand side, I wore a sickening (hindsight is a fucker!) green and black Ben Sherman shirt.
I was limping because I'd come off of my football injury caused crutches early for the date. Some might say that this is the reason I never played again. I gave up the game I loved for her!
I took her to an Italian restaurant on Baker Street. She had lasagne and I had steak. I thought I was cool because I payed by cheque! Debit cards were not that popular then.
We went to the cinema and saw As Good As It Gets. At the end of it we kissed for the first time. In the darkness our teeth clashed, but only gently.
I walked her home and we kissed again before she left me for the evening.
I was high as a kite, overjoyed, elated, on cloud nine, over the moon, ecstatic, I could go on forever.
Since our first date a hell of a lot has happened in our lives. Some good some tragic, but it's made us what we are today.
Right now we have a mortgage, a cat called Peanut-Face and most importantly, we are expecting our first child in September.
I know that I wouldn't be the man I am today without her love, encouragement, influence and inspiration. All that I am and have, I owe to her............
Kronenbourg 1664 - She Makes You A Man.
I'm kidding of course.
Gina, when you read this, I love you so much. Every day I picture us with our future child and I think;
"I did fuckin' well there!"
Happy 10th Anniversary my love.

Recently Viewed

Not a good idea to watch this on the train. When you jump (and you will) you'll get strange looks from your fellow commuters.


A horror/thriller cheese fest. Don't bother. My eyes were aching from the amount of rolling they did.

A Sinister Plot Emerges

Following my previous post regarding the theft of my boot laces, I can't find my DVD lens cleaner either.
Nor could I find a sock from the tumble drier the other day.
There is a thief at large, so devious that the world has never known such crimes against humanity.
We must find this individual and bring them to justice.
If you see someone with a DVD lens cleaner held around their neck with boot laces and wearing nothing but a solitary sock, contact Crimestoppers now.

You Fuckers!

Which one of you fucknuts has stolen my spare bootlaces?
They were in my cupboard in the kitchen, by the sink and one of you'se has sneaked in and taken them.
Now I've got a pair of boots, only one of which has a lace.
Thanks very much!

Homer Knows Best # 6

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Recently Played And Completed

This game is what the PS3 is all about.
Seamless gameplay, not a single loading screen.
And the graphics, my god the graphics! The water looks so realistic that you could easily ram your head through the T.V trying to dive into it.
Outstanding, highly recommended, if you don't own a PS3 then you should consider selling a kidney to get one just to play this game.
If this is a taste of what's to come then, well, erm, words fail me.

Get Well Soon Bro (Again!)

Yet again my brother is in hospital.
The wound he got from having his appendix out became infected.
I went to see him this afternoon and he showed me the trouble spot.
I nearly covered it with my half digested lunch.

Oh The Pain

I've fucked up my hamstrings and right knee good and proper.
This weekend I've finished laying the wooden flooring in the two hallways. They're not very big hallways, but one of them has four doors leading from it and the other has three. As you can imagine, this meant a hell of a lot of kneeling, squating, standing and moving from one of the positions to another, just to measure and cut the right shapes.
I'm in absolute agony every time I move and my knee is far too big and purple for my liking.
The good news is that although I have to return to late shifts tomorrow, I've only got to do five as I have next week off.

Typical Workplace Conversation

This guy approaches my window with a bank card and a National Rail receipt.
"I lost my monthly travelcard. I've got a receipt and the card I paid with can you give me a new one?"
"No sorry, London Underground only replaces tickets issued by ourselves."
"I've only just lost it in the gates though."
"Have you spoken to the member of staff on the gateline to see if he can retrieve it?"
"No, because it was at London Bridge."
"So why have you travelled half way across London for a replacement?"
"Because I did, are you going to replace it?"
"No, we don't replace National Rail issued tickets, you need to speak to National Rail staff."
"But it was an Underground travelcard."
"No it wasn't. It may have been valid for the Underground but it wasn't issued by the Underground."
"Why don't you replace them? You're both train companies."
"We're different train operators with different proceedures."
"So?"
"Let me put it another way. If you lost your Big Mac, would you go to Burger King for a replacement?"
"What?"
"You heard."
"No, of course not."
"Why?"
"Because they're different restaurants."
"But they both sell burgers."
"Yeah........ But........ Erm.........."
"Exactly."

More Shit Music

I've got two for you this time.

Girls Aloud - I Can't Speak French

I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking talking now
Oh, I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking, oh oh oh
I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking talking now
Oh, I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking, oh oh oh

Complete and utter bollocks!

Estelle feat Kanye West - American Boy

Take me on a trip, I’d like to go sun bathe.
Take me to New York, I’d love to see LA.
I really want to come kick it with you.
You’ll be my American Boy. American Boy

If you want to see L.A, may I suggest California and not New York?

Last Shift

Today is my last early shift and I'm elated about it.
Eight shifts in a row really knock the life out of me.
I intend to stay in bed as long as possible tomorrow followed by an evening of drinking copious amounts of that wonderful, fizzy, golden, falling down juice.

Half Arsed

That's how I've felt all week.
I just don't feel motivated to do anything.
There's a tonne of stuff around the house that needs doing.
There are two PS3 games and two Wii games that need my attention.
I had to force myself to fill out my Train Operator application.
I haven't been on the exercise bike since friday.
I might not even finish th..................................................

Recently Viewed

Excellent, Javier Bardem deserved his oscar.

Also excellent. Ellen Page is outstanding in the title role.

Calssic Hitchcock.

More Hitchcock.

I don't normally enjoy musicals and I thought the same would be said for this one. But after half an hour you kinda forget that they're singing on a regular basis. Worth a look.

Interesting Fact

Wasps are bald bees.

More Bad Ads

That new "Sacla" pesto advert is driving me mad.
You know the one where the guy is crushing garlic and herbs in his kitchen, only for it to become the beat to an annoying tune.
L'Arte di Sacla?
L'Arte di Cunta's more like.

The latest Asda ad's with the theme tune to Dad's Army.
Are they actually comparing themselves to senile old men in uniforms and Tescos/Morrisons/Sainsburys to the Third Reich?

And don't get me started on that Ford advert where all the instruments are made of "actual" car parts.
I'd like to find the person who thought of it and ram that gear lever somewhere very, very painful!

Feel free to contribute.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

Oh dear, you wait weeks for one and then two come along at once.
I was describing to the missus how a friend at work has split up with his partner and she asked;
"Isn't he the one who lives next to his neighbour?"
I seriously hope my unborn child gets my brains.



And her looks. Obviously.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

I went to pick the missus up from the station and she asked;
"What's for dinner?"
"Cottage Pie."
"Is it nice?"
"I don't know, I'll be eating something else 'cos I don't like Cottage Pie. I made it 'cos you asked for it."
"It better be good."
"I followed the recipe to a T."
"Doesn't that make it a Cott Pie then?"

Like A Phoenix From The Ashes

Otherwise known as A.C.Milan 0 - 2 Arsenal.

Just when it looked like our season was over, the mighty Gooners pull off a stunning result like this.

Goals from Cesc Fabregas (pictured) and Manu Adebayor sealed the tie.

Not only were Milan the current champions of europe, they'd never lost at home to a British club.

Ooh to, ooh to be, ooh to be a..................

Chin Up Matey

My mate Murphski has had a rough couple of days.
He's just too nice for his own good sometimes, but I hope he doesn't dwell on what's happened too much.
Treat 'em mean and all that bollocks.

Star Wars - The Flip Side

Your Country Needs You!

Your country is looking for especially talented individuals to join their new Rodent Task Force.
Operating deep behind Taliban lines, your mission will be to gather nuts and stuff.
Probably.

Homer Knows Best # 5

"I want the answers now or eventually!"

Quality Film Quotes # 27

Daniel Day Lewis as Daniel Plainview and Paul Dano as Eli Sunday in There Will Be Blood.