Recently Viewed

This is the film for you if;
A) You like improbable (sorry, impossible) stunts.
B) You like films with no storyline.
C) You like bad acting.
D) You don't believe that the Die Hard franchise should have been left alone after the original.
A seriously piss poor attempt at a film I'm afraid.

Also Currently Playing

Currently Playing

The referees in this game are wankers! I've played three games and I've had a player sent off in two of them!
And, I lost to Newcastle.
I'm a disgrace!

Currently Watching

Right, That's Fucking It!

Right here, right now!
I'm making a stand for men everywhere.
If you live with a woman, then it's most likely her who selects what shampoo is used in your house.
This morning I washed my hair with "Rose Hip & Jojoba" shampoo (exactly what the fuck is jojoba?). The other day I used another shampoo that made me smell very fruity indeed.
I'm going around smelling like one of those men who like other men and I can't let it go on.
The next time we go shopping, I'm gonna go to the shampoo section. I'll open every bottle until I find one that smells like diesel.
Who's with me?

Not Sure I Should Laugh At This

Goodbye Old Friend

I'm really sorry to so the back of this show.
But, can someone please tell what the fuck was with the final episode?
I can only assume that they left it like that in case they decide to make a film or another series in the future.

Recently Viewed

Excellent. A little bit sentimental at the end but a fine film none the less.

Last Night & This Morning

Last Night;
Kebab Guy "Do you want chilli sauce and salad?"
Me "Chilli sauce and some of those chillies please."

This Morning;
The Missus "Are you gonna be long in there love?"
Me "Yes, I'm afraid so."

Bye-Bye Big Jaw!

Spurts have sacked their manager Martin Jol.
I have to say that I'm disapointed, I was hoping that he'd take them down to the Nationwide first!
Signing on in the morning
You're signing on in the morning
Signing on in the mooooorning
You're signing on in the morning
etc
etc
etc

Typical Workplace Conversation

I've only been back two days and already I'm dealing with idiots.
"I've got a weekly bus pass, can I use that on the tube?"
"No, sorry."
"Why?!" (I hate it when people ask this rudely)
"Because it's a bus pass. Bus. Pass. It's a pass, for the bus. The clue's in the name mate."

7-Up

That's Arsenal, who battered Slavia Prague 7-0. Fabregas played another blinding game.

Theo licked his lips at the taste of sweet success!

All Good Things Must End

I'm going back to work today after 2 weeks annual leave.
What's worse is that I'm going back to late shifts.

Even More Success!

My Katie and Peter rant has also made it on to Cunts Corner.

Quality Film Quote 22

Xerxes: Consider the fate of your women.
King Leonidas: Clearly you don't know our women! I might as well have marched them up here judging by what I've seen.

Katie And Peter: Unleashed

Chewing gum for the brain.

More Shit Music

I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

Would Sean Kingston please, please imitate his lyrics on this one.

Recently Viewed

Worth a look, it's Event Horizon for a new generation.

Shite. Obviously chosen by the missus!

D'oh!

I was out shopping with the missus and she said that she needed some pumpkin seeds. We were already in the correct aisle, so I set off for them. I grabbed a packet and threw them into the nearest trolley, assuming that the missus had followed me. I turned to go and get something else but was stopped by someone saying "Wrong trolley". I turned in the direction of the voice to see a total stranger with a packet of pumpkin seeds in her trolley.
I looked back up the aisle to where we'd started and the missus was standing there laughing at me.
I sheepishly removed the seeds from the stranger's trolley and made my way quickly to the next aisle.
What a dick I am!

For Fuck's Sake!

It has become blatantly obvious this week, that if I wish anyone good luck they will lose.
Let's just hope that you don't go for a promotion soon.
And, if you do, don't tell me.
I must be jinxed!

Why Idiots Should Not Use Cameras

My bro-in-law Gaz put me on to this one. All we've said since is "fookin 'ellfire"

All I'm Saying Is.......

.....that fucker Hamilton had better do the business tomorrow!
What a shit week to be english!

COME ON ENGLAND!!

I'm really fired up for this!
In Wilko we trust!

Best Of Luck

To the English rugby team who take on South Africa in the Rugby World Cup Final tonight.

To Lewis Hamilton, who takes on that dodgy spaniard Alonso tomorrow.

I'm right behind ya lads!

Recently Viewed

An enjoyable film based on a true story. As with all "true stories" the truth has been slightly bent to suit Hollywood needs. For further information, click here.

Out Of Our Hands

Qualification for Euro 2008 is no longer in our hands after a defeat to Russia.
I'm not gonna look for excuses such as plastic pitches or penalties that never should have been.
No, we were simply not good enough. Not only in this game but the draws to Macedonia and Israel and the loss to Croatia.
We have no-one to blame but ourselves.

Emmerdale

A seriously piss poor attempt at a tv programme.

Quality Film Quote 21

Charlie; Look, kid, I - how much you weigh, son? When you weighed one hundred and sixty-eight pounds you were beautiful. You coulda been another Billy Conn, and that skunk we got you for a manager, he brought you along too fast.
Terry; It wasn't him, Charlie, it was you. Remember that night in the Garden you came down to my dressing room and you said, "Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the price on Wilson." You remember that? "This ain't your night!" My night! I coulda taken Wilson apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palooka-ville! You was my brother, Charlie, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money.
Charlie; Oh I had some bets down for you. You saw some money.
Terry; You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Charlie.

Jeremy Kyle

"Look at me, look at me, look at me, I'm not finished, don't interrupt, look at me, look at me........"
I don't want to look at you, you complete fucktard!

Woolworths? More Like Wankworths!

Went with the missus to this poor excuse of a shop today. We found what we wanted, picked the box up and walked up to the counter to pay for it.
"Sorry, we don't have any in stock at the moment."
Then why leave it on display you complete and utter cocks?
I've had this problem with Woolworths before and when I asked why this bollocks was allowed to happen I was told;
"It's to show that we sell that particular item."
Not if it's out of stock you fucking don't, so take it off display and stop mis-leading everyone.
Complete and utter wankers!

Ashley Cole - Phone Up Your Arse!

This has been going around for a while, but I thought I'd add it here anyway!

Congratulations!

To the England teams! We battled hard against the french to make it to the rugby world cup final.

We cruised to a 3-0 win over Estonia in a fairly boring game.

And me, I spent eight and a half hours drinking. No wonder my tongue feels like Ghandi's flip-flop.

Recently Viewed

This is so, so, so, funny.
I'm not even gonna begin to tell you how much I laughed at it, just click here, book tickets and see it.
Let's just say that the missus nudged me more than once to stop me laughing so loud.

Sad News

I'm very sorry to say that my beloved Playstation 3 is fucked.
They're sending a new one on monday.
I'm gutted.
I don't know how I'm gonna tell the Wii, they were very close.
Within 40 cms of each other.

Crisps

Is there a finer snack?
I doubt it.
Walkers cheese and onion are the bollocks!
Can you imagine a world without crisps?
It doesn't bear thinking about!

Bugger!

I can't get my PS3 online. It kept coming up with various error codes.
Now it says that there is no ethernet cable connected. I'll pick a new one up tomorrow and if that don't work, there's gonna be a fight!

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

Two nights in a row!
It was half nine and I'd just finished painting for the evening. While I was waiting for my bath to run I was walking around wearing only my paint soaked tracksuit bottoms.
Seeing I was topless, the missus said "Look at you, strutting around like some kind of red herring!"
Strutting?
Red?
Herring?

Glad For The Return Of

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

It turns out that the missus has arranged a delivery for tomorrow. As we're both gonna be in London, this is problem. Gina came up with the idea that we could leave a note on the door asking for the delivery to be left with a neighbour.
This is where the problems started. She couldn't work out which neighbour was which number. So, in an attempt to work it out, she turned to me and asked "What number are we?"

D.I.Why? (Again)

I fucking hate decorating. I can imagine nothing worse.
Even if Tony Adams came out of retirement, joined Spurs, became captain and led them to the quadruple while knocking Arsenal out of every competition, I would not be as miserable as I am now.
It don't help when the missus turns in to a prison guard "Vott are you doing? Vy don't you do zis? Vy haf you sat down. Zis is an un-authorised break. Achtung, Achtung!"

Soon To Be Re-viewed

At least I'll be able to fast forward the bits that were not in the original comic book!

I'll be glad to watch this again, I get the feeling it will make a lot more sense now that I've read the book.

Making It Through The Day

One more shift and then it's two weeks annual leave.
Just need to make it through the day.

Telephone Conversation

The phone rings (judging by the title of this post, that was the obvious opener) and I answer.
"Hello"
"Hello, am I speaking to Miss Georgina Stamou?"
"Do I sound like a Miss?"
"Pardon?"
"Do I sound like a Miss?"
"Erm, no. Sorry, can I speak to Miss Stamou?"
"Sorry, she's at work."
"Okay, I'll call back later."
"And I'll take my make up off."
"Bye."
"Cheerio."

Quality Film Quote 20

Travis Bickle; (Travis is trying his guns on the mirror) Huh? Huh? (Draws) Faster than you, fucking son of a... Saw you coming you fucking... shitheel. (Reholsters) I'm standing here; you make the move. You make the move. It's your move... (Draws) Don't try it you fuck. (Reholsters) You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? OK. (Draws)

Interesting Fact

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. However, no fucker can confirm this as most tigers seem to get quite upset when you approach them with a Gillette razor.

Bollocks!

Just dropped half a tube of Pringles all over the floor.
Better get the dustpan out.

More Success

The Fucking Spiders post also made it onto Holy Moly's Cunts Corner.

Currently Awaiting

As Grand Theft Auto and Metal Gear Solid have both been put back to April (Thanks Sony, I'll easily be able afford two games in a month!) I am awaiting Pro Evo 2008.
Although, I may have to throw the cover away if that huge cock on the right hand side remains!

Fucking Spiders!

Stop leaving your fucking webs in doorways, alleys, footpaths or anywhere else I might walk into them. I am sick of having to rub my face and head while making a noise like a little girl straining to have a huge shit!
Surely you understand by now that I am terrified of you fuckers and the thought of one of you being on me is just too much.
Just leave me alone you web-slinging cunts!

Late 5 Times

I'm on late shifts this week, the perfect come down from my birthday weekend. Not.
I've already got one out of the way. Fortunately I only need to do five this week as I start two weeks leave on sunday.
One down, four to go.

Recently Read

This book took forever to get going. I nearly left it half read on two occasions in favour of starting a new book. Glad I stuck with though, it was worth it in the end.

Thanks

'Scuse the lack of updates, I've been drunk since thursday.
What's happened?
Well, it turns out that my party was on saturday, not sunday as I expected. I walked through the door and into a face full of party poppers, in hindsight, I could probably have thought of something more inspired to say than "I don't understand".
I'd like to say a huge thank you to every one who sent well wishes, be it via text, phone, this site, e-mail, Facebook, Myspace, etc.
The biggest thanks goes to my missus though, who arranged everything. I love you more than ever!