Excellent Beer Advert

Go Here.
Wait for the lady to appear, then ....
1. Write your first name in the 1st line.
2. Write your surname in the 2nd line.
There's no need to write your e-mail address.
3. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.

Thanks to my mate Darryn for this one.
If anyone can translate what's being said, please leave it in the comments.

My Kinda Guy

Last night a few of the fellas from work went on the sauce to watch the footy and say farewell to a colleague who's leaving us. This fella kept turning up and serenading us. Sorry about the video being sideways but I'd had a few by then!

Aaaarrrgh! (Or However Pain Is Spelt)

This morning I dropped a heavy glass lid from one of my saucepans onto my right big toe.
Needless to say, the air was turned a very rich shade of blue!

Recently Bought

A Led Zeppelin Baby grow for my baby, obviously.
Only 10 weeks to go!

A composite AV cable for my iPod. I can now watch stuff I've downloaded onto my iPod straight onto the T.V. Cool, eh?

Recently Viewed

Fairly average as far as cop films go. A bit predictable and a sense of "I've seen this before in another film".

Tarzan, Stargate, The Land That Time Forgot and The Lion King all rolled into one.

A comedy that revolves around a tradgedy. An excellent film although, I didn't see any swans or ice cream in it.

This Is Gonna Get Me In Trouble

I may be deleting this post as soon as I get a texted death threat from the missus.
Anyone who knows her will know that she's not very graceful. The newly born Bambi on ice skates would be less clumsy.
And that was before she was six and a half months pregnant.
You see, now she's "large with child" (I had to choose my word carefully then), my missus doesn't sit down, she flops into position and hopes for the best. She doesn't get in to bed, she takes a running jump. She doesn't turn over at night, she does a triple back flip and uses the pillow as hobby horse.
I haven't slept right through the night for weeks.
I'm tired, oh so tired.
But I guess that's a sign of things to come.

Hooray For The Return Of

It's just too bad that this cunt was on it;

I can't stand this fucking twat. Every time I hear his voice, I fell like ramming a rusty screwdriver through each ear. I also feel like gouging my eyes out with a plastic spoon.

The word cunt just isn't strong enough for him.

Interesting Fact

It is impossible to put your left earphone in with your right hand.
And vice-versa.

Recently Viewed

I really enjoyed this film. The re-make of "Ghostbusters" was hilarious.

The bastard child of "Godzilla" and "The Blair Witch Project." What the fuck was this film about?

Not the best Futurama installment.

Not one of Will Ferrell's funniest films.

Typical Telephone Conversation

The phone rings and I answer to someone calling from the other side of the world.
"Hello?"
"Hello, can I speak to Mr Spencer please."
"Speaking."
"Hello Mr Spencer. I'm calling from *random* credit cards."
"Yeah?"
"I'm just calling to offer you an increase on your spending limit. We'd like to increase the amount to £15,000. How does that sound?"
"Why?"
"You could use it for home improvements."
"My house is finished, but tell me more."
"How about a holiday?"
"That would be some holiday, continue."
"Huh? Oh, you could pay off some debts."
"Don't have any, tell me more."
"Erm, you could transfer any other balances you have, to your credit card."
"O.K, that's the same as the last offer you just gave me. You just used different words. You're gonna have to try harder than that."
"Er, look, do you want the increased limit or not?"
"Why would I want the increased limit?"
"Sir, can you answer the question and stop wasting my time."
"Do you have my details on a screen in front of you?"
"Yes."
"What's my current limit?"
"£8,500."
"And what's my current balance?"
"There's nothing owing at present."
"So, I owe you nothing and you're already willing to let me spend £8,500. It's 7pm on a friday night and I'm trying to eat my dinner and watch The Simpsons. Now tell me, who the fuck is wasting who's time?"
*Click*
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
Must be something I said.

Separated At Birth?

The evil looking, 6ft high plant lurking outside my front door;

A killer plant from the cheesy 80's T.V series, Day Of The Triffids;

Currently Wearing

Poorly Cat Humour

Realistic Puma T-Shirt

Fuck knows how they got the cat to stay still. I've been trying it with Peanut-Face but she's having none of it.

Un-Typical Workplace Conversation

They're not all bad you know, as a customer proved to me earlier.

"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm good thanks, how are you?"
"I'm O.K. I haven't seen you for a while."
"I've not long been back from annual leave and this is the last of my late shifts."
"How many have you done?"
"Seven in a row."
"Seven? That's barbaric!"
"No, what's barbaric is that I only have two days off, then I have to do eight early shifts in a row."
"How do you cope with eight days in a row?"
"I don't cope, I just do it."
"What the fuck did I come here for anyway?"
"Fucked if I know."
"See ya mate."
"Take care."

You Know You Would - Cartoon Hotties

Jessica Rabbit; Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Lois Griffin; Family Guy

Amy Wong; Futurama

Leela Turanga; Futurama

Betty Rubble; The Flintstones

Marge Simpson; The Simpsons

More Shit Music

Coldplay - Violet Hill

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow
White snow.....

....hang on a second.
There was snow right?
And it was white you say?
Not like the beige snow we get here then?
Glad we cleared that up.

Have No Idea What I'm Doing In

I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.

This Is Andy Murray

He's the British number one.
He's always injured.
He's the Darren Anderton of tennis.

Homer Knows Best #9

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Fuck Me, A Post

A apologise for the lack of updates this week, but that's how my days have been.
My late shifts have been going without incident (touch wood).
I've been coming home, going to bed, getting up in the morning, hanging around doing sod all and then going to work again.
The highlight of my week so far was when the missus made her mousaka. I duly obliged and ate loads of it.
I'm sure that someone or something will irritate me, either that or those charity fuckers will finally get their hands on me.

Airtime Wastage

I love going to the cinema.
You can't beat the feeling of seeing a film, for the first time, on "The big screen".
When I go, I expect to see adverts for forthcoming releases. Why else would we go again?
I don't want to see 17 random adverts that have no relevance to what I'm about to watch.
The list below just scratches the surface.

I really don't want to see a five minute advert for Radio One, I listen to Virgin. Besides, Tim Westwood is the biggest knob alive.
I don't want a diet coke, I'm fat and proud.
I already have a car so an advert for "The Vauxhall Antara" is irrelevant.
I rarely eat sweet food, so the Ben and Jerry's ad was a waste.
I've banked with Abbey since day one, so there's no need for Lloyds TSB to give it large.
My mobile contract is already with O2, so their ad was a waste.
I have Sky HD T.V and therefore do not require the poor man's equivilent; Virgin Media.
I shop in Tesco's not Waitrose.
I'm a bloke and spray copious amounts of Sure for men on every morning, I don't need to know of the bird's equivilent.
Seriously? A dog singing in a Volkswagen Polo?
Don't drink and drive. No shit.
I already own a Vauxhall Astra, no need for a new one.
My Samsung is better than any LG phone so get fucked.
I don't want a Mazda 2, definitely not a green one.
The Mail on Sunday? Fuck right off!
And, finally, Rob Lowe will not convince me to get an Orange mobile.

Recently Viewed

Warning; Plot Spoiler! I imagine that the first production meeting between Harrison Ford, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg went something like this;
Hello Harrison.
Hello Harrison.
Alright lads?
We've got an idea for a new Indy film.
Really? Tell me more.
It's called "Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull"
Catchy title, do proceed.
Well, Indy bumps into this kid who turns out to be his son with Marion, from the first film.
Sounds unlikely.
Ray Winstone's in it.
O.K, things are looking up.
He's a secret agent.
A double agent.
A triple agent.
I think I'm gonna leave now guys, thanks anyway.
No wait, it involves the ancient Incas and their city of gold.
Good, at last it sounds a bit more "Indy" like.
There's aliens.
Sorry, what did you say?
Aliens.
Are you taking the piss. Aliens in an "Indy" film?
No, we're serious. There are aliens in this film dude.
I'm outta here. You two are a pair of cunts.
We'll pay you millions.
Fuck off!
Billions, when you count the merchandise.
I'm in, just make sure you throw in some cute animals, improbable stunts and shite jokes. And try not to make me look too old.

Utter, utter shit! I feel like I've been arse raped after watching this film.
Don't watch it in the cinema.
Don't wait for the DVD.
Don't even watch it on telly in ten years time.
Just forget it was ever made.

One Of My Five A Day?

I'd like to think so!!

Recently Viewed

Not a bad film.

Not great one either.

Middle of the road on this one. An interesting and engaging concept from the start, it just gets a bit flimsy and predictable towards the end.

99.9% - A long Post For Me

99.9%.
That's how much of my house I reckon is complete.
It's not been easy, the last four years have been horrible, in fact this last week and a half has been hell.
I've made the decision that the bathroom is the worst room in the home to do up. Especially when your missus wants a power shower fitted.
It was a hot day today and as a result the loft was hotter than two rats fucking in a real wool sock. I had to squeeze between pipes that were burning to the touch, lay on fibre glass insulation (which has covered my whole body in an angry itchy rash), ram myself into a space that was too small for my cat, drag heavy cable along with me and then thread it through the eye of a needle. I couldn't have done the cable without my dad, who I'm eternally grateful to. Anyway, the shower is plumbed and wired in, all it needs is an electritian to connect it to the mains fuse box. (I have limits to my D.I.Y)
I've also been doing a load of other bits around the house.
There are still a few bits of sealing to do as well as some paint touch ups (and I'm good at touching things up!).
It hasn't helped that we are on holiday and have made arrangements, done other things and an incident of "We're on our way" (but they never turned up!!) which could've been spent D.I.Y-ing.

I do all this, put up with the constant pain and aches for my beloved missus and our forthcoming child.

Although, I'll be glad to back to work for a rest!!

Recently Viewed

Not as enjoyable as the first National Treasure. The ending was obviously left open for a third film.
There was something seriously fucked up with Nicolas Cage's hair though.

More Bad Ads

Lets get the ball rolling shall we;

The Slimfast one. Where the bird sings about her booty. I feel like beating myself to death with an empty beer can (and I have a lot of them) after seeing this ad.

The Halifax Ads. I'm sure that there is no explanation needed here.

The footy ads on BBC and ITV. We're not in it, so would we give a a fuck when it's on?

Mars. O.K, did they bother to read the above entry? We're not in it so why the fuck would we want to eat thirty Mars bars just to earn a plastic football?

Someone approves these adverts.
I can only assume they are single.
And play with themselves.
Alot.