Merry Christmas!

Phew!

Just made that one!

Hmmm

O.K, O.K, I know I've been a very bad blogger of late. I didn't think I could be any more of a relaxed blogger!
But, in defence, I have got a very young baby to help take care of.
And spare time is very limited right now.
O.K, so the spare time I have had I've used to play Call Of Duty; Black Ops!
So, what's been happening?

Nothing!

Don't get me wrong, stuff has obviously happened and some of it would probably have been worthy of a post here. But, I didn't post it at the time and now I've either forgotten about it or it's no longer valid.

So bollocks!

She's Mad I Tells Ya!

I was scratching my bollocks and the Missus turned to me and asked;

"Do you wear your pyjamas naked?"

Rest In Peace Great Uncle Les

Today I attended the funeral of my Great Uncle Les.
Great Uncle Les was a great man indeed and he will be sorely missed by everyone who knew him.
He served in the British army during WW2 as a driver and a trained sniper.
My favourite memory of him will always be this;

My mum was discussing immigration with Les but, she was getting nowhere. Great Uncle Les was a very old fashioned man and believed anyone not entitled to be here should be deported immediately. My mum pointed out that some of these people were born here and are technically British.
Uncle Les shot down this theory by saying "Rubbish Linda! If a horse was born in a cow shed, you wouldn't call it a cow would you?"

Brilliant.

She's Mad I Tells Ya!

The Missus just turned to me and asked;

"What does 'campanology' mean? Is it to do with gays?"

Driving Miss Daisy (Home!)

Introducing Daisy

Born at 22:49, 11 / 11 / 2010, 6lb 15oz.

Mother and daughter doing great....
.....not sure about me though!

D Is For Daisy

It's all go this morning.
We're getting ready to go to the hospital so the missus can have her labour induced.
After reading the information provided, I'm doubtful that Daisy will actually make an appearance today.
Only time will tell.

Never Forget

Sent from my iPhone

The Final Countdown

We're into our final week as a one child family. Baby Daisy will be with us sooner than seems possible.

Next Thursday, 11/11/2010, at 11:00am the missus will have labour induced. Whether or not Daisy will make an appearance that day is another matter!

It's not been an easy pregnancy for the old girl either. She's had to go on a diet due to Gestational Diabetes. If that wasn't enough, she developed a pregnancy related rash on her face and neck. Add into the mix my stupidity, general ignorance and D.I.Y related rages and you can see the amount of shit she's had to deal with.

It seems like only yesterday that I posted this and now we're in the final countdown.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock........?

Oi! Fuckwit! Try This!

If you look down by your left hip, you'll see a small red button. Press the red button and your seatbelt will dis-engage. Remove your seatbelt.
Now, look to your right. Somewhere on the door is a small lever, pull it. The door moved a little didn't it? Yes, now push the door and it will fully open.
If you look down, you'll see two long bendy things. These are called legs. Swing your legs to your right and out of the door you just opened. Push yourself forward and upwards so that your weight is fully on your legs.
Now, here comes the tricky part.
Swing your left leg forwards.
And now your right leg forwards.
Now your left.
And again with the right.
This is called walking. Continue to walk until you reach the door of the person you are trying to collect.
Make your hand into a fist and knock firmly on the door and await a reply.

With practice, you'll be able to carry out this proceedure in less than a minute.

Im sure you'll agree, this is substantially less time than the 6-7 minutes you spent repeatedly beeping your fucking horn!

Planning To Play Tonight

Saying Goodbye To Peanut-Face

We're taking our beloved cat Peanut-Face to be re-homed today.
Unfortunately, I've developed an allergy to cats, despite having them all my life. The constant allergy attacks and blowing my nose has made me develop bleeding nasal polyps. I've had to have several painful cauterization sessions in an attempt to cure them.
She's a really good cat and we'll all miss her terribly. I hope she finds a good family who will show her as much love and get as much pleasure out of her as we have.
See ya Peanie XXX.

The 33

There's a collapsed mine in Chile big enough to fit 33 people. I suggest these fuckers are sent down and sealed in.

1; Alan Carr
2; Katie Jordan Price Jordan
3; Alex Reid
4; Kerry Katona
5; Ashley Cole
6; Cheryl Cole
7; Boris Johnson
8; David Cameron
9: The 'Go Compare' Singer
10; Neil Hamilton
11; Christine Hamilton
12; Gary Glitter
13; Tara Palmer Tomkinson
14; Piers Morgan
15; Hugh Grant
16; Lindsay Lohan
17; Jeremy Kyle
18; Lady Ga Ga
19; Bono
20; Paris Hilton
21; Robbie Williams
22; Heather Mills
23; Davina McCall
24; Robert Mugabe
25; Barry Scott (Bang & the cunt is gone)
26; Kim Jong Il
27; Fabio Capello
28; George W Bush
29; Michael Winner
30; Gordon Brown
31; Madonna
32; David Gest
33; George Michael

I was so surprised how easy this list was to make, I even made a standby list incase any of the cunts above die.

34; Steve McClaren
35; Julia Roberts
36; Mark Lawrenson
37; Pete Doherty
38; Adrian Chiles
39; Britney Spears
40; The Go Compare Advert Creator

Feel free to add your own, I'm not too fussed how cramped it gets down there!

Tonight's Dinner

All Hail, The Return Of;

Just Pre-Ordered

Eagerly Awaiting

Based on The Walking Dead graphic novels.

That'll Teach You!

Now look here you stupid fucking coat! I don't care how much I paid for you!
When I come home from work, tired and irritated by countless northerners who think they know better than me, I just want to hang you up and sit down.
Yes, I know there's a perfectly good coat rack in the hallway but, A; I'm too lazy to go there and B; It annoys the missus when I hang you elsewhere.
So, all things considered, when I hang you on the back of a dining chair I expect you to fucking stay there! When you fall limply to the side and on to the floor, I take it as an insult.
Not content with insulting me once, you wait for me to bend down, pick you up and re-hang you on the chair, only to fall off again.
Well, that's it, bollocks to you!
You can lay in the corner of the room, where I kicked you.
All night.
Bastard.

Too Bad, So Sad, Bye Bye!

Big Brother has ended....... forever!
I cant tell you how happy this makes me! I doubt I've watched more than half an hour of this show since it started. It's shit. And full of fucktards. And watched by cunts.
But, I'm a reasonable man and, as such, I'd like to suggest a few other programmes for stupid people to watch.
I Used To Be A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here (and away from Ant or Dec from Ant and Dec.)
Strictly Cum Dancing.
Stricly Cum Dancing On Ice.
The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent (after the auditions of course! Some of those fuckwits really think they have talent!)
So there you go. If you're a cunt and you enjoy watching cunty programmes, go right ahead.

Stupid Farm Rules!

Heh, heh, just you try and stop me!

Typical Workplace Conversation

No, I will not be taking your ranky stinky money!

"Hello, can I buy an Oyster card please?"
"Sure, that'll be £3 deposit for the card, plus the amount you want to add on."
"Can I put a tenner on?"
"Yep, that'll be £13 then please."
The customer takes a step back, lifts up his right leg, takes off his shoe, stretches his sock to one side and pulls out a £20 note. He slides it into the cash tray.
"Are you serious? I'm not taking that mate."
"What?"
"That money's just come out of your sock, I'm not accepting it."
"Why? It's still money."
"Yeah, but, it's come out of your ranky stinky sock, it's un-hygenic. I'm not taking it. You need to pay with an alternative method."
"It's legal tender, you have to accept it!"
"I'll accept it on one condition."
"What?"
"I'll put your legal tender change into my pants and you come and collect it in 2 hours."
The bloke mutters something to himself, then borrows £20 from his girlfriend and pays.
"You're not allowed to refuse money, I'm going to report you."
"I've got a customer service card in my sock if you want it."
Again, he mutters something to himself, then walks away.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

I get in from work and the Missus is ironing in the kitchen.

"Fuckin 'ell love, it's roasting in here. Why don't you iron in the living room?"
"I've nearly finished now. I had the window open earlier, but I closed it 'cos it was too see-through."
"Erm, yes. That can be a problem with windows can't it?!"

Typical Workplace Conversation

When is a bike not a bike?
When you take the wheels off according to this fella.

"Can you open the gate so I can get my bike through?"
"No, sorry mate. Bikes aren't allowed on the system between 4:00pm and 7:00pm."
"Why not?" (GRRRRRRR!!)
"Because it's peak period mate. Trains and platforms are crowded, your bike would cause an obstruction."
"Oh it's alright, I'll wait for a quiet train."
"It's 5:30pm mate, there are no quiet trains. That's why we don't allow bikes in during peak periods."
"What if I take the wheels off?"
"Then you'll still have a bike, only it won't have any wheels on. It'll be less manouverable and you'll have more to carry, causing much more of an obstruction."
"You're just being fucking awkward! How the fuck am I supposed to get to Liverpool Street then?!"
"Do you seriously want me to answer that?"

My New BBQ

It's pretty big!

Sent from my iPhone

The Lying Bastard!

On one of my first ever driving lessons, I hit the brakes to try and avoid running over some pigeons.
Needless to say, pigeons do not require the emergency stop procedure and my driving instructor told me so.
"You will never, ever be able to run over a pigeon." He said. "They're too quick." He added.

Well, tonight, I proved him wrong!

I went to pick up some stuff from my mum's flat in preparation for her move. After turning around, I was driving through the high street when I noticed a pigeon in my path.

Remembering my instructors advice, I drove straight on.

Unfortunately, no-one informed the pigeon of the "You'll never, ever be able to run over a pigeon" line.

There was a sickening, crunchy, squelchy, popping sound from the front left of the car.
And what can only be described as a "splodge" in the road when seen from my rear view mirror.

I'm all for learning something new every day, but this.........

More Shit Music

Train: Hey, Soul Sister.

"Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my
Left-side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you
Blow my mind....."

WHAT??
Your left side brains?
You've got multiple brains?
And they're separated into 'left' and 'right' sections?

You're a fucking idiot.

For The Man Who Has Everything!

My Daughter!

Big Mistake

O.K. It's hot at the moment.
I'm laying in bed watching the football with the fan on full blast at the base of the bed.
The missus is on a night shift, so with no fear of being shouted at, I let out a rip roaring fart of epic proportions.
I mentioned that the fan was on at the base of the bed right?
Well, I just got a face full of my own foul smelling arse.
Nice. No wonder the missus shouts at me!

England

Well, that was an anti-climax wasn't it?!
Actually, that's not exactly true is it?
England were piss poor from the off, at no point did I think we had any chance against the Germans yesterday let alone winning the whole thing. 
So who or what can we blame this time?

Fabio Capello?
The playing squad?
The football? (hard to play the long ball game with a ball that won't go in a straight line!)
Vuvuzela?
The altitude?

They may very well have all played their part, but none of them are the main reason for England's failings. And not just for this tournament. No, this has been going on for years.
For me, the blame lies firmly with the F.A.

For years club managers and players have been complaining about the amount of fixtures and the lack of a winter break. These complaints have not only fallen on deaf ears, the F.A have actually suggested playing an extra game every year abroad.
A top premier league side will play a fair amount more games than their European counterparts. Then you have to factor in international matches, European competitions and 5 hours training every day.  I don't care who you are or how much you earn, you're gonna be fatigued at the end of the season.
The England players looked completely drained of both energy and ideas throughout their all too brief South African adventure.

Then there's the manager. I don't think Capello should have ever been made England manager. Another mistake by the F.A. In fact, the last few England managers have all been poor choices. What we've needed for ages is someone who isn't scared to drop the 'un-droppables'. Far too many of England's starting line-up were only there because of their name. Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard, Terry, Barry, Johnson, none of them have performed well in an England shirt in ages. Then there's the rest of the squad; Heskey, Carragher, Wright-Phillips, Green, to name a few. Just not good enough.
Capello may be a good disciplinary coach, but his poor grasp of English (Matty speaks better English than him!) and his insistance on playing Gerrard, Lampard and Barry together just goes to show he's not right for England.

Now there's the issue of Capello's contract. Why was it renewed/improved before the World Cup? Now he's earning £6 million a year, the highest amount any national coach is being paid. If the F.A do want to get rid of him, he'll get one hell of a golden handshake. Surely it would have been wiser to negotiate after the tournament, they could've negotiated downwards!

I genuinely have no idea where the England team will go from here. The so called 'Golden Generation' are well past their prime. More worrying is that the next generation are struggling to prove themselves too. I'm afraid that things are certain to get worse before they get better.

Your Name Is What Now?!

Recently Completed, Currently Playing

Ahh man, I found the last battle proper hard!

Might just pop a cap in yo ass in this one!

Attention!

Despite what you may think, this is not the English flag!

This is the English flag!
It is instantly recognisable and therefore does not require four (surely there should only be three?) lions or the word 'England' emblazoned across it!

Big Brother Is Back

It's the final series and my feelings are as strong as ever.
If you watch it, then you're a fucking idiot.

The End Is In Sight

I'm coming to the end of a run of late shifts.
They've been very testing this week and I've nearly lost my rag with dozens of customers. Thankfully, I've managed to bite my tongue and not react to their stupid actions, questions or comments.
I don't think working right through my weekend off last week has helped. Still, at least the fence is up now. Just need to put a gate on it.

Seperated At Birth?

Liev Schreiber; famous for being a Hollywood film star.

Warren Joffre Williams; famous for, erm................. wearing Speedos?

T-Shirt Sun Tan!

Finally, An Update!

Thought I'd better get my arse into gear and give you'se lot an update.
I've just returned to work after 2 weeks of annual leave.

We went to CenterParcs for the first week. Matty is a bit too young to enjoy it fully. Still, he managed to occupy himself by chasing ducks
with his arms wide open and shouting "Oi, duck, cuddle!" He did enjoy the swimming pool area, although getting him dressed afterwards was a fucking nightmare! The weather held up okay, all be it a little chilly in the evenings. I managed to use my bike on most days, which I really enjoyed. I'd wait for Matty to have his afternoon nap, then go for a ride, usually stopping for a pint at some point.

The second week of leave involved back breaking labour. I had to rip
out a huge flower bed. And I mean huge. 10 metres long, 2 metres wide and 1 metre deep. That's a lot of earth and soil to move! Not to mention the wooden frame, plant life and roots that had to be torn out. After the first day I was in agony, I'd obviously tweeked a nerve in my right arm. But, like the brave warrior I am, I continued to dig, rake, pull, push, lever and carry for 4 days and it's mostly done now.
The next stage will be putting up a fence, followed by some decking. I might put some pictures up here if I can be arsed.

I understand that congratulations are due to the England cricket team for winning the World Cup 20/20. I fucking hate cricket, so bollocks to that.

I understand that congratulations are due to Chelsea for winning the double. I fucking hate Chelsea, so bollocks to that.

I understand that congratulations are due to the Tories who, thanks to a hell of a lot of stupid people, won the General Election. I fucking hate the Tories so bollocks to that.

That'll do for now, see ya!

What A Dick!

Currently Reading

12 Week Baby Scan

We had or 12 week baby scan today.
We have a 'birth date' of 18th November.

Dramatic Chipmunk

Currently Playing

Dairylea Is For Little Girls

Happy St. George's Day

And bloody proud of it!

Quality Film Quote #37

"They call me Mister Tibbs!"

Too classy to put here in words alone.

Morning Sickness

I've absolutely no fucking idea why it's called "Morning Sickness".
So far as I can tell it last's all day and night.
I feel desperately sorry for the missus. Although she's not actually being sick, the permanent nausea is getting her down.
I love you babe, this'll be the last time, I promise!

R.I.P Tommy

I was saddened to hear that my good mate Tommy Ludford had passed away this weekend.
I've no idea how many times we shared a beer (or eight) and/or a chat together (far too many to count), all I can say is that he will be badly missed by a hell of a lot of people.
I feel especially sorry for his daughter Tasha, who found him.
I know exactly what she's going through as I found my uncle's body.
I still have bad dreams to this day.

Oh, What's Occurring? (Welsh Accent)

Usual shit really.
Work, eat, sleep, play with Matt, etc.


We saw the midwife this week. Unfortunately it's the same one as last year and, my god, she's ugly!
She looks like a man in drag!
A very ugly man in drag!

Anyway, that aside, things seem to be progressing well with the pregnancy so far.
We've got an estimated birth date of 12th November, which is also my niece's birthday!



Matt continues to develop rapidly himself.
Every day is a new experience with him and he has us in fits of laughter.
He's started to string words together too, a few examples;
"Where bottle is?"
"Where's gone now?" (Usually when I go for a shit)
"Come on daddy/mummy"
"Hi Matty!" (When looking in the mirror)


Work is work.
It always has been work.
It always will be work.


I got around to buying a pipe.
The missus called me an idiot.
She's probably right!

Leg Jigglers #7

Location; Train
Source; iPhone
Action; Full on leg jiggle!

She's Mad I Tells Ya

This one came from my mum tonight. She was in the back of our car, telling us what she'd brought back from her trip to france.

"I've brought a sausage back."
"What, just one sausage?"
"Yeah, a garlic sausage."
"Just the one?"
"Well, half a whole one."
"What do you mean 'Half a whole one'? Either it's a half or it's a whole one mum."
"It's half a garlic sausage, you know, the big ones."
"Oh, I've got you now."
"Yeah, I've brought two of them back."
"What? Wait, hang on a minute. Are you telling me you've brought two half garlic sausages back, or two whole sausages back?"
"Two, half sausages."
"Then you've brought a whole one back. Fuckin hell mum, you're hard work!"

Recently Viewed

This film was right up my street. Really enjoyed it.

BIG YAWN!

Yeah, I enjoyed this one. Kind of a flip on the alien visiting earth type thing.

After 5 minutes, I turned to the missus and said "I bet DiCaprio is the real nutter."

I was right!

I remember seeing this film as a kid. It's still not funny.

Here We Go Again!

The missus is up the duff again!
Yay me and my super sperm.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Sometimes my participation isn't the mad part of the customer interaction

"Morning."
"Hello, my mum's here for the next few days and I want to get her a Pay-As-You-Go Oyster card."
"Sure, no problem. It's £3 deposit for the card, plus the amount you want to add on."
"Can I put £10 on please?"
"Yep, that'll be £13 in total then please."

The customer pays and we say thanks to each other.
Before leaving, the woman turns to her mum, smiles, hands her the Oyster card and says;

"Here, Happy Mother's Day you old cow!"

The timing was perfect and I nearly fell of my chair laughing.

Pipe

I'm thinking of investing in a pipe.
I don't smoke and I'm not going start, but I believe that owning a pipe will make me smarter.

Currently Listening To

Finally Got Around To Ordering

Currently Reading

I'm up to chapter 5 so far and it's so boring!

I'll give it until chapter 10 to improve, then it's going out the train window!

Did He Think I'd Let It Go?

Yesterday I was walking along the road and talking to the missus on the phone. As I was talking a rather fat bloke (yes, fatter than me!) stepped in front of me, put his hand up and started to talk to me.

"Excuse me."
I indicated that I was on the phone but he persisted.
"Excuse me."
"Sorry, I'm on the phone mate."
I walk past him. He waits till he thinks I'm out of ear shot.
"Yeah, you carry on fucking talking!"
I tell the missus to hang on and turn around. He has his back to me now, walking away.
"Oi!"
He turns to face me.
"What's your fucking problem? I'm on the phone you arrogant dick!"
He opens his mouth and is about to say something.
"Bollocks! Fuck off you cunt!"
Just to hammer home my annoyance, I throw in some rude hand gestures.
He stands there, mouth open.
I turn and go back to my phone conversation.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Sometimes you can only put up with so much abuse before putting the customer in their place.

"For fuck's sake! There's no fucking trains?! Why's there no fucking trains?!"
"Sorry mate, planned engineering."
"Well why's there no fucking signs at the other station?! No one fucking told me!"
"Now look. There are posters about our works, for weeks in advance, on every Underground station. We make P/A announcements on every Underground station leading up to the works. We take out a whole page of the Metro newspaper the friday before the works start. The works are freely available on the internet and you can even set up text and e-mail alerts of our planned works. What more do you want us to do? Phone you every morning?"

The customer walks away and shakes his head.

Ahhh, Man, Gets Me Every Time!

Currently Reading

Currently Viewing

My kind of humour.
Courtesy of WJW.

So, what have I been up to then?
Well, not a lot really.
I've just finished a run of early shifts.
On Thursday and Friday last week, I had to do my Annual Test of Rules at Oxford Circus House.
BORING!
I don't know why we still do it, there's not even an actual test anymore. We just sit around discussing scenarios and writing on flip charts. Pointless.

I had the day off on Tuesday for Nan's funeral.
The service was very sad and I don't mind admitting that I was a bit un-manly.
The wake was perfect. Remembering old times with cousins and other relatives.
They say you only see these relatives at weddings and funerals, but we're determined that this will not be the case. In fact, we've got 7 or 8 of them coming up on Sunday to help celebrate Dad's 60th birthday.
I'd like to say once more how grateful I was for all you messages of support over the last couple of weeks. Whether they were face to face, on the phone, text, e-mail, Twitter, facebook or here, they really were appreciated. So thank you.

My sinusitis is at last starting to clear up, should be as good as new by next week, hopefully!

I'm on a long weekend now and I intend to do nothing but spend time with my family. Especially Matt as I'm on late shifts next week and won't see him much.

Thick Brown Nasty Mucus And Snot

On Sunday last week I caught a cold.
It wasn't a nasty cold, just a plain old cold.
I was feeling better by Friday night, then the trouble started.
I woke up on Saturday morning and couldn't breathe through my nose and my whole face ached.
It was difficult to blow my nose and the snot I produced was very thick and almost brown in colour. (I hope you've already eaten!)
I was also coughing up thick mucus too.
At first I thought my cold had flared back up, but I had none of the other symptoms.
A quick check on NHS Direct suggests I have sinusitis, which can take up to a month to clear.
I seriously hope it doesn't last that long in my case.

Rest In Peace Nanna

My Nan passed away this morning.
She'd been ill for sometime and was being kept comfortable with morphine towards the end.
I'm glad her suffering is at an end, but I will miss her terribly.
She used to make the most amazing walnut cake. Even I (and I don't eat sweet foods) couldn't get enough of it.
Such a beautiful, sweet lady who will be missed forever.
Goodbye Nan,

Your Bonnie-Lad,

James.

Currently Playing

Recently Viewed

A fantastic adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's novel.
Kodi Smit-McPhee is superb as 'The Boy' and I smell an Oscar nomination for Viggo Mortenson as 'The Man'.

Well worth a read and then a look in my opinion.

Today's Shopping List; New Pants.