Thames Valley Police Most Wanted

You can see the look of a killer in her eyes!

My Cat The Murderer Part 2

All good horror films have a sequel and Peanut-Face is no exception.
I returned home at around 10;45pm and found a dead mouse on my doorstep (glad it was outside and not inside!)
I'm not sure where she got it from, I don't really care to be honest. I just want her to stop murdering cute little birdies and mice and leaving them all over the place!

Bad Night

I had a really shit night at work tonight.
It seems that every customer I served was deaf, ignorant or a complete spastic.
If people ask questions they should have the decency to listen to my answer. I should NOT have to repeat myself 3 times!
Students; if you only put £3 on your oyster card then it aint gonna last very long! I'm sick of you coming to my window saying "My oyster's not working, I topped up this morning." It's not working because you are all ignorant pricks to think that £3 will last all day!
Spastics covers the above 2 as well as the morons who wouldn't even be able to shit themselves without being shown how to do it.
Three times!
Tomorrow had better be an improvement, or else.

She's Mad (As Well), I Tell Ya!

This one's about my sister-in-law Emma (the same one who asked what was the spelling of C.D).
We were in Harvesters for lunch on Sunday. We order some drinks at the bar......
"I'll have a J Lo please."
Barman looks confused and says;
"A J Lo?"
"You know, the orange and passion fruit one."
Barman looks further confused and says;
"Do you mean a J-2-O?"
The look on her face was priceless.

Recently Viewed

I really enjoyed this film, despite what Gaz and Chelle thought of it.
It's based on Robert Graysmith's book of the same name and his attempt to identify the "Zodiac Killer". At two and a half hours, it's a long cinema sit in, but how else do you fit in all the relevant info?
I'm about to order the book and will gladly buy the DVD so I can watch it again in more comfort.

Getting Beaten Up In

Waiting For....

.......this game and this game to be released. The first in September, the second in October.

Quality Film Quote #11

Han Solo: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

Thank Fuck For That

I have a large mole on my chest. It's always been there, forever.
But, in the last few months it's been really itchy, mis-coloured and has actually bled occasionally. Quite disturbing I'm sure you will agree.
So, today I went to the doctors, and, despite having a 4:30 appointment I finally got seen at, as near as makes no difference to, 5:00.
The doctor said she could see nothing abnormal about it (hence the title of this entry!). But she did say that as it's an irritant it should be removed.
As I said, I've always had this mole, I'm not sure I want it removed. It's part of me isn't it?

Typical Workplace Conversation

An irate italian customer approaches my excess fares window having already travelled;
"I want go out"
I check his Oyster card.
"You only have a zones 2&3 travelcard, you need £1.50 pre-pay to exit as this is zone 1."
"I pay later."
"No, sorry, You're supposed to pay before you travel. Not when you arrive at your destination or later that day."
"I always pay later. Eeet's faackeeng shieeet!"
"Yes sir, £1.50 please."
"I pay later, I go out!"
"No, it's called pre-pay, not post-pay, you'll need to pay now."
"Eeet's faackeeng shieet! I complain!"
Customer throws £1.50 into my cash tray and I top his card up.
"Here's your oyster card, touch out as normal. Here's customer service's details, you can complain about how you didn't have a valid ticket and that I made you pay."
"FAACKEENG BAASTAARDS!"

She's Mad, I Tell Ya!

The missus was having a go at me for a few items that I'd not washed or put in the dishwasher. I explained that I'd finished eating and rushed to the station to pick her up. It was the type of comical discussion of which I normally win.
Instead of being magnanimous (yes, I checked the spelling!) in defeat, she said;
"Shut up you piece of idiot!"
I guess that as long as I'm not a complete idiot, well then, that's something.

Interesting Fact

Currys don't sell curries, but Selfridges do sell fridges.

Quality Film Quote #9 & #10

Dr Rumack; Captain, how soon can you land?

Captain Oveur; I can't tell.

Dr Rumack; You can tell me. I'm a doctor.

Captain Oveur; No. I mean I'm just not sure.

Dr Rumack; Well, can't you take a guess?

Captain Oveur; Well, not for another two hours.

Dr Rumack; You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Dr Rumack; Mr. Striker, the passengers are getting worse. You must land soon.

Ted Striker; Surely there must be something you can do.

Dr Rumack; I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley.

Recently Completed

2 weeks at a maximum of an hour night, sometimes not playing at all, I don't think that's too bad.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Between a supervisor and myself over the radio.
"Are you burning toast?"
"Toast?"
"Toast."
"Toast?"
"Toast."
"Toast?"
"Yes James, toast, bread that you burn!"
"No."
If you stare at the word toast long enough does it look like the wrong spelling? It did to me anyway.

She's Mad, I Tell Ya!

This one happened in Tesco's while buying a birthday cake for my brother.
"We need to buy candles for your brothers cake."
"Why?"
"Cos it's not a cake if it aint got candles on."
"Eh?"
"If it aint got candles on, then it's not a cake!"
"Of course it's still a cake, it's just a cake that aint got any fucking candles on it!"
"EXACTLY!!"
"?!"

Interesting Fact

Despite its name, a Wood Pigeon doesn't actually contain any wood.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my big brother Paul who is 33 today. I love ya man!

I stayed up till midnight to post this and I've gotta be up at 6am so he'd better leave a thank you comment!

She's Mad, I Tell Ya!

Welcome to my new series.
"She's mad, I tell ya!" is a brand new section where I will tell you about the maddest things my missus says or does and, believe me, there are plenty.
We kick off with something she said tonight, which inspired these new entries.
We were watching the film Deja Vu which stars Jim Caviezel. I mentioned to her that I'd heard he didn't to work sundays cos he's a devout catholic, to which she replied;
"Oh well, whatever ticks his boat I suppose."

Preference

It's the FA Cup Final between Mank U and Chelshit today.
I hate both of these teams with a vengeance, so who would I prefer to win?
It's a difficult choice.
I went for Utd to win the league just to wipe the smug smile off of Fat Lampards face and wouldn't mind seeing it again. I'd also like nothing more than to see that money grabbing cunt Cashley Cole ending the season trophy-less. He didn't get on the field during the Carling Cup and so can't really say he "won it".
But, do I want those tossers from the north to win? Not in this life!
The thought of that little winker/wanker (you decide which is better) wRongaldo with his cheesy grin is also too much to bear.
So, in summary; If Utd are winning I'll cheer on Chelsea and if Chelsea are winning I'll cheer on Utd.
And, if it goes to penalties, I'll turn me Liza Minelli off.

Snails, What's The Point?

This is the most pointless creature on this planet! I've watched it for an hour now and it's gone nowhere. It's eye's are on the end of sticks for some reason, which is obviously of no use because even the most spastic of birds seem to be able to catch and eat it before it's "sticky eyes" have seen it coming. As for it's shell, well, you might as well tell a teenager that his powers can't hurt you because of the bin liner you have sellotaped to your chest. Then watch his face light up as he rams a carving knife into your heart, as seems to be the trend at the moment.
Stupid twatty mollusc.

You're Fucking Nicked My Son!

Do we really need these kind of criminals in the English game?

Box Junction

The Highway code says;
"You MUST NOT enter the box until your exit road or lane is clear."
That includes the driver of a shitty little Citroen Saxo which has been modified so much that your poxy little 1000cc engine can barely move it. If you do stop in a box junction and the lights change meaning you are now blocking my route home, do not look at me with a smirk and shrug your shoulders.
It's funny how that smirk disappeared when I said "You fucking whore's son! Is that your sisters car?"
Prick.

Admit It, You Loved This Show!

Porno Apes

orang-utan (or-ang-oo-tan) n. a large long-armed ape of Borneo and Sumatra.

Arrogance

I was on the train, waiting to leave Euston when a couple got on. They were in their 50's. The fella was pissed and swaying all over. The woman seemed stone cold sober.
The train pulled out of Euston with a jerk and the fella started to fall. Being a nice guy I caught him and stood him upright. I didn't expect a thanks from him but I didn't expect his missus to stare at me as if I'm a piece of dirt and then look away without even a nod of appreciation. O.K, I thought, no problem.
Further into the journey he lost his balance again. Once again I caught him and again his missus gave me the dirty look.
As the train stopped at Watford he again began to fall.
Did I help him? Did I fuck! I let him hit his head on the metal handrail and fall on his arse between the seats. His missus looked at me and all I could do was give her the same look she'd given me then turned away.

Quality Game Quote

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM?!!"
My good self when an alien came from out of nowhere on "Resistance, Fall Of Man" and killed me.
What he don't seem to grasp though is that I'll pull the plug on the fucker! That'll learn him!

Getting My Arse Kicked In

Where Is He?

My PS3 arrived a few minutes ago. But for some reason Amazon sent the game seperately. It will arrive today but I want it now! If the postman aint here in 30 seconds -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- right, that's it, he's fucking dead!

That's Magic!

I came home from work tonight to find that the dishwasher had been emptied, my bed had been made, the kitchen had been tidied and the computer had a new screen saver.
I know it wasn't me or the missus cos when I'm on late shifts I'm bone idle. Truth be told, I'm lazy when I'm on earlies too. And, the missus is on nights, which means she has less time for housework than I have for Tottenham.
The only thing I can assume then is that there's magic in the air.
Either that or my lovely sis-in-law Michelle did it while her layabout fella watched the footy.
THANKS LOVE!

Just Ordered

One of these. It should be here tomorrow!

Sick Shit From The 'Net

Reluctant Congrats

To Mank U who were crowned champions today.
Do not think for one minute we wanted you to win the league at any point, we just didn't want Chelski to win it.
To prove how much we didn't want you to win it either, we played really, really shit against Chelski just to make your nerves bad.

P.S. Don't think we didn't notice that the cunt known as Cashley Cole was missing either. Injured my arse! The money grabbing fucker knew he was gonna get slated today and bottled out.

Quality Film Quote #7 & #8

Michael Corleone; "I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!"

Michael Corleone; "Fredo, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?"

Michael Corleone to his brother Fredo in (my opinion) the best Godfather and mafia movie of them all, The Godfather part 2.

France

Me, the missus, her sister and fella went to France yesterday. We didn't really do much to be honest. I mean, what can you really do in a few hours? We wandered around Calais then went for a couple of drinks.

Good Old Blighty.

Le Seagull.

Le Grande Bierre.

Americans

It seems that I can't escape the attentions of these people anywhere.
We stopped at a service station on the way to Dover yesterday. While in line for some brekky (11 items for £8.99) an american woman kept asking me questions.
"What is that? Is it ham?"
"It's bacon."
"What's a bloomer slice?"
"A slice of bread."
"It looks like cinnomon toast. What is that?"
"Sausage meat pattie."
"What is that?"
"Pork."
"What's an item?" Are they really this stupid?
"One item from the counter, a sausage for example."
"Oh, okay. Sorry, we're from America."
"Really?" I couldn't tell from the fact they were fat and shouting.
"Yes sir. We landed this morning at o'five hundred. (Who honestly talks like that?) We're on our way to Dover to go on a cruise. It's our 50th wedding anniversary."
And then it happened. Not content with just letting it be, my bro-in-law Gaz said...
"Oh, congratulations." I looked at him, rolled my eyes and shook my head slightly, but the damage was done.
"Why thank you! Yes sirreeeeee, 50 years, all to the same guy, what a guy!"
Then the husband chipped in...
"Yeah, I'm still on my probation!"
"Oh stop! No, my husband is a diabetic. He can eat meat and eggs but not bread. Are those eggs?"
"Where are you from?" What's wrong with him? Why don't he shut up?
"We're from ba-doing-diddly-oing-idaho-united-states" It sounded like that anyway. Like that couple from Harry Enfield's show. "We're going on a cruise around the Baltic, then we're coming back to spend three days in London."
And that was it for me, I couldn't take anymore! I quickly selected the last of my items and went to pay.
They're everywhere, there's no escape. Resistance is futile.

Quality Film Quote #6

Walter Chalmers: Frank, we must compromise.

Frank Bullitt: Bullshit.

This is one of my all time favourite films, and this quote sums up everything Bullitt stood for.

New Title?

I've also been considering changing the title of my blog.
My initial instinct is to use my sub heading (Because if, anything.....) as the main title.
If you do have any ideas, feel free to comment.

New Title Backing

You will have by now noticed that my title has a new backing and you're probably wondering what the hell it is.
The rather toothy little chappy is called Vince. He's a character from a TV series called Rex The Runt.
There are some highlights from the series here.

Quality TV Quote #1

Burns: We don't have to be adversaries Homer, we both want a fair Union contract...

Homer; (To Brain) Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?

Burns: ...and if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!

Homer: (To Brain) Wait a minute, is he coming onto me?

Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?

Homer: (To Brain) Oh my God! He is coming onto me!

Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bed-fellows (Friendly Laugh)

Homer: (To Brain) Arggh!

Homer: Sorry Mr Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

Sorry Andy, couldn't resist it man! I won't do it again!

Quality Film Quote #5

"Not this time, Gal. Not this time. Not this fucking time. No. No no no no no no no no no! No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no! No! Not this fucking time! No fucking way! No fucking way, no fucking way, no fucking way! You've made me look a right cunt!"

Ben Kingsley's "Don" in Sexy Beast.

Shiny-demon film quotes, the original and the best.

Is This Bloke Mental?

I dunno what game this fella was watching last night. He seems to think that his side were the better team.
I can assure him that they were not.
His team had less shots, made less tackles, didn't hit the woodwork and didn't have a goal ruled out (dubiously) for offside.
And, if you don't believe me, check here.
I know managers are supposed to back their players and clubs, but come on, the better side?
Me thinks not.

The Savage Beast

This morning, on my way to the station, I was savagely attacked by a hedgehog. He came flying out of the darkness at full speed, with a look of pure hatred on his face.
Look at him, you can see the evil in his eyes.