Not to be confused with the film "3:10 To Yuma", the 5:10 to Euston is a train that never departs on time.
In fact, I've never even known this train to be within sight of the station, let alone waiting on the platform at 5:10.
I'm grumpy enough going to work at this time in the morning, but this always pisses me off further.
Train times are obviously just suggestions to London Midland.
Tossers.
Monday, 31 March 2008
Typical Workplace Conversation
Some customers don't know in what order the days of the week are.
"Can you tell me when my ticket runs out please?"
I check his card details.
"It runs out on wednesday night mate."
"So can I use it on thursday?"
"Apparently not. You see thursday is the day after wednesday. Unfortunately, this means that your ticket won't be valid the day after it expires."
"Can you tell me when my ticket runs out please?"
I check his card details.
"It runs out on wednesday night mate."
"So can I use it on thursday?"
"Apparently not. You see thursday is the day after wednesday. Unfortunately, this means that your ticket won't be valid the day after it expires."
Sunday, 30 March 2008
Daylight Saving
All I know is that someone to do with the something, at the somewhere, at somepoint in history, means I lost an hours sleep.Click here for more info.
I won't be reading it, I'm far too tired.
Saturday, 29 March 2008
Recently Ordered
A Bialetti, 3 cup espresso pot.I love espressos and this is the proper way to make them, on the cooker, in a pot.
My old espresso machine tried to kill me this afternoon. The pressure built up too much and sent the bit that holds the coffee flying. This has resulted in a burnt right hand, a broken espresso cup, a hell of a lot of cleaning up to do and a free plug socket is now available where the machine used to be.
If I hadn't moved quickly enough a trip tp A&E would have been needed. As it is, the area between my thumb and index finger has three blisters and the finger next to the little one has a blister between the top two knuckles.
Ouch.
King Cobra
Comes in a 750ml bottle at 8% alc volume.A bit too fizzy for my liking, but at around three quarters of the bottle down you forget about most things.
Friday, 28 March 2008
Mead Open Farm
I taked my neece to the farm and deez are the anamuls wot I sawd;
A sheep and newborn lamb.
Goat.
A sheep and newborn lamb.
Bunny rabbits.
Piggy.
Goat.
Fuckaducks.
A big fat ass.
I have no idea what this mother-fucker is supposed to be!
And a great big cock.
Thursday, 27 March 2008
New Chair
We bought a new chair for the computer today.Well, it's not for the computer, that's on a desk.
The chair is for us. I figured that if I'm gonna spend so much time entertaining my millions of readers, I might as well do it in comfort.
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
Cheeky Git
I popped into Homebase to pick up a couple of bits for the house.
At the exit was a bloke promoting the local gym. He obviously looked at my slightly (ahem) podgy waistline.
"Hello sir, would you like to join the gym?"
"No sir,would you like a fat lip?"
Luckily he saw the funny side and we both laughed.
At the exit was a bloke promoting the local gym. He obviously looked at my slightly (ahem) podgy waistline.
"Hello sir, would you like to join the gym?"
"No sir,would you like a fat lip?"
Luckily he saw the funny side and we both laughed.
Oops
This is our new catflap. The old one broke as it was permanently being wedged open as our beloved Peanut-Face was too lazy to push it open herself.I was determined that this wouldn't be the case with the new one.
I've made it my mission this week to teach Peanut-Head how to use it.
While trying to force her through, I encountered some resistance. I assumed she was pushing back with her front paws so I changed my grip.
Now I was holding her so she couldn't push back, still I encountered resistance.
Not to be outdone by a catflap I pushed harder, to the point where Peanut hissed and growled at me. I let her go thinking something was wrong with the catflap.
On inspection it appeared that I hadn't unlocked it and for the last minute I had been ramming my cats skull into a locked flap.
She seems to be avoiding me at the moment.
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Little Cow
My niece Emily is getting far too clever.
This weekend she stayed with my brother and told him that her tooth fell out during the week. My brother asked if the Tooth Fairy visited her but she replied "No, my mummy says the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to her house."
My brother and his missus thought this was a bit unfair of Emily's mother and both slipped a quid under Em's pillow while she slept.
The next morning they were pleased to see Emily smiling very broadly and only then noticed that no teeth actually appeared to be missing.
On further inspection this was indeed the case, my niece had pulled a fast one.
When asked why she'd lied she said "I just wanted the money."
She's only five.
Mind you, this could say something for our kid's intelligence as he failed to check before giving her the money.
If you're reading this Paul, my leg fell off this morning. That's gotta be worth a monkey!
This weekend she stayed with my brother and told him that her tooth fell out during the week. My brother asked if the Tooth Fairy visited her but she replied "No, my mummy says the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to her house."
My brother and his missus thought this was a bit unfair of Emily's mother and both slipped a quid under Em's pillow while she slept.
The next morning they were pleased to see Emily smiling very broadly and only then noticed that no teeth actually appeared to be missing.
On further inspection this was indeed the case, my niece had pulled a fast one.
When asked why she'd lied she said "I just wanted the money."
She's only five.
Mind you, this could say something for our kid's intelligence as he failed to check before giving her the money.
If you're reading this Paul, my leg fell off this morning. That's gotta be worth a monkey!
Currently Reading
This book only arrived this morning and I've already got through 60 pages. I cannot seem to put it down, despite doing numerous jobs around the house.So far there is very little similarity to the recent film but that makes the book all the more enjoyable as I don't know what's around the corner.
My bro-in-law Gary recommended this book to me and I recommend it to you.
Except you Gary, you've read it already.
Sunday, 23 March 2008
Friday, 21 March 2008
7:00pm 21st March 1998
Ten years ago today, my life changed.
Someone came into my life on a permanent basis and has made me the man I am.
It was a friday, 7pm and she walked through the doors of The Thornbury Castle pub on Enford Street, Westminister.
We'd known each other for a few years before, but I'd waited until we were a bit older before I asked her out. You see, I knew she was the one from the moment I set eyes on her and I didn't want to ruin it with a meaningless childhood snog.
She wore a stunning black dress with a flower pattern going up the left (her left) hand side, I wore a sickening (hindsight is a fucker!) green and black Ben Sherman shirt.
I was limping because I'd come off of my football injury caused crutches early for the date. Some might say that this is the reason I never played again. I gave up the game I loved for her!
I took her to an Italian restaurant on Baker Street. She had lasagne and I had steak. I thought I was cool because I payed by cheque! Debit cards were not that popular then.
We went to the cinema and saw As Good As It Gets. At the end of it we kissed for the first time. In the darkness our teeth clashed, but only gently.
I walked her home and we kissed again before she left me for the evening.
I was high as a kite, overjoyed, elated, on cloud nine, over the moon, ecstatic, I could go on forever.
Since our first date a hell of a lot has happened in our lives. Some good some tragic, but it's made us what we are today.
Right now we have a mortgage, a cat called Peanut-Face and most importantly, we are expecting our first child in September.
I know that I wouldn't be the man I am today without her love, encouragement, influence and inspiration. All that I am and have, I owe to her............
Kronenbourg 1664 - She Makes You A Man.
I'm kidding of course.
Gina, when you read this, I love you so much. Every day I picture us with our future child and I think;
"I did fuckin' well there!"
Happy 10th Anniversary my love.
Someone came into my life on a permanent basis and has made me the man I am.
It was a friday, 7pm and she walked through the doors of The Thornbury Castle pub on Enford Street, Westminister.
We'd known each other for a few years before, but I'd waited until we were a bit older before I asked her out. You see, I knew she was the one from the moment I set eyes on her and I didn't want to ruin it with a meaningless childhood snog.
She wore a stunning black dress with a flower pattern going up the left (her left) hand side, I wore a sickening (hindsight is a fucker!) green and black Ben Sherman shirt.
I was limping because I'd come off of my football injury caused crutches early for the date. Some might say that this is the reason I never played again. I gave up the game I loved for her!
I took her to an Italian restaurant on Baker Street. She had lasagne and I had steak. I thought I was cool because I payed by cheque! Debit cards were not that popular then.
We went to the cinema and saw As Good As It Gets. At the end of it we kissed for the first time. In the darkness our teeth clashed, but only gently.
I walked her home and we kissed again before she left me for the evening.
I was high as a kite, overjoyed, elated, on cloud nine, over the moon, ecstatic, I could go on forever.
Since our first date a hell of a lot has happened in our lives. Some good some tragic, but it's made us what we are today.
Right now we have a mortgage, a cat called Peanut-Face and most importantly, we are expecting our first child in September.
I know that I wouldn't be the man I am today without her love, encouragement, influence and inspiration. All that I am and have, I owe to her............
Kronenbourg 1664 - She Makes You A Man.
I'm kidding of course.
Gina, when you read this, I love you so much. Every day I picture us with our future child and I think;
"I did fuckin' well there!"
Happy 10th Anniversary my love.
Thursday, 20 March 2008
Recently Viewed
Not a good idea to watch this on the train. When you jump (and you will) you'll get strange looks from your fellow commuters.
A horror/thriller cheese fest. Don't bother. My eyes were aching from the amount of rolling they did.A Sinister Plot Emerges
Following my previous post regarding the theft of my boot laces, I can't find my DVD lens cleaner either.
Nor could I find a sock from the tumble drier the other day.
There is a thief at large, so devious that the world has never known such crimes against humanity.
We must find this individual and bring them to justice.
If you see someone with a DVD lens cleaner held around their neck with boot laces and wearing nothing but a solitary sock, contact Crimestoppers now.
Nor could I find a sock from the tumble drier the other day.
There is a thief at large, so devious that the world has never known such crimes against humanity.
We must find this individual and bring them to justice.
If you see someone with a DVD lens cleaner held around their neck with boot laces and wearing nothing but a solitary sock, contact Crimestoppers now.
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
You Fuckers!
Which one of you fucknuts has stolen my spare bootlaces?
They were in my cupboard in the kitchen, by the sink and one of you'se has sneaked in and taken them.
Now I've got a pair of boots, only one of which has a lace.
Thanks very much!
They were in my cupboard in the kitchen, by the sink and one of you'se has sneaked in and taken them.
Now I've got a pair of boots, only one of which has a lace.
Thanks very much!
Homer Knows Best # 6
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.Recently Played And Completed
This game is what the PS3 is all about.Seamless gameplay, not a single loading screen.
And the graphics, my god the graphics! The water looks so realistic that you could easily ram your head through the T.V trying to dive into it.
Outstanding, highly recommended, if you don't own a PS3 then you should consider selling a kidney to get one just to play this game.
If this is a taste of what's to come then, well, erm, words fail me.
Monday, 17 March 2008
Get Well Soon Bro (Again!)
Yet again my brother is in hospital.
The wound he got from having his appendix out became infected.
I went to see him this afternoon and he showed me the trouble spot.
I nearly covered it with my half digested lunch.
The wound he got from having his appendix out became infected.
I went to see him this afternoon and he showed me the trouble spot.
I nearly covered it with my half digested lunch.
Oh The Pain
I've fucked up my hamstrings and right knee good and proper.
This weekend I've finished laying the wooden flooring in the two hallways. They're not very big hallways, but one of them has four doors leading from it and the other has three. As you can imagine, this meant a hell of a lot of kneeling, squating, standing and moving from one of the positions to another, just to measure and cut the right shapes.
I'm in absolute agony every time I move and my knee is far too big and purple for my liking.
The good news is that although I have to return to late shifts tomorrow, I've only got to do five as I have next week off.
This weekend I've finished laying the wooden flooring in the two hallways. They're not very big hallways, but one of them has four doors leading from it and the other has three. As you can imagine, this meant a hell of a lot of kneeling, squating, standing and moving from one of the positions to another, just to measure and cut the right shapes.
I'm in absolute agony every time I move and my knee is far too big and purple for my liking.
The good news is that although I have to return to late shifts tomorrow, I've only got to do five as I have next week off.
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Typical Workplace Conversation
This guy approaches my window with a bank card and a National Rail receipt.
"I lost my monthly travelcard. I've got a receipt and the card I paid with can you give me a new one?"
"No sorry, London Underground only replaces tickets issued by ourselves."
"I've only just lost it in the gates though."
"Have you spoken to the member of staff on the gateline to see if he can retrieve it?"
"No, because it was at London Bridge."
"So why have you travelled half way across London for a replacement?"
"Because I did, are you going to replace it?"
"No, we don't replace National Rail issued tickets, you need to speak to National Rail staff."
"But it was an Underground travelcard."
"No it wasn't. It may have been valid for the Underground but it wasn't issued by the Underground."
"Why don't you replace them? You're both train companies."
"We're different train operators with different proceedures."
"So?"
"Let me put it another way. If you lost your Big Mac, would you go to Burger King for a replacement?"
"What?"
"You heard."
"No, of course not."
"Why?"
"Because they're different restaurants."
"But they both sell burgers."
"Yeah........ But........ Erm.........."
"Exactly."
"I lost my monthly travelcard. I've got a receipt and the card I paid with can you give me a new one?"
"No sorry, London Underground only replaces tickets issued by ourselves."
"I've only just lost it in the gates though."
"Have you spoken to the member of staff on the gateline to see if he can retrieve it?"
"No, because it was at London Bridge."
"So why have you travelled half way across London for a replacement?"
"Because I did, are you going to replace it?"
"No, we don't replace National Rail issued tickets, you need to speak to National Rail staff."
"But it was an Underground travelcard."
"No it wasn't. It may have been valid for the Underground but it wasn't issued by the Underground."
"Why don't you replace them? You're both train companies."
"We're different train operators with different proceedures."
"So?"
"Let me put it another way. If you lost your Big Mac, would you go to Burger King for a replacement?"
"What?"
"You heard."
"No, of course not."
"Why?"
"Because they're different restaurants."
"But they both sell burgers."
"Yeah........ But........ Erm.........."
"Exactly."
More Shit Music
I've got two for you this time.
Girls Aloud - I Can't Speak French
I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking talking now
Oh, I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking, oh oh oh
I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking talking now
Oh, I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking, oh oh oh
Complete and utter bollocks!
Estelle feat Kanye West - American Boy
Take me on a trip, I’d like to go sun bathe.
Take me to New York, I’d love to see LA.
I really want to come kick it with you.
You’ll be my American Boy. American Boy
If you want to see L.A, may I suggest California and not New York?
Girls Aloud - I Can't Speak French
I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking talking now
Oh, I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking, oh oh oh
I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking talking now
Oh, I can't speak French so I let the funky music do the talking, oh oh oh
Complete and utter bollocks!
Estelle feat Kanye West - American Boy
Take me on a trip, I’d like to go sun bathe.
Take me to New York, I’d love to see LA.
I really want to come kick it with you.
You’ll be my American Boy. American Boy
If you want to see L.A, may I suggest California and not New York?
Last Shift
Today is my last early shift and I'm elated about it.
Eight shifts in a row really knock the life out of me.
I intend to stay in bed as long as possible tomorrow followed by an evening of drinking copious amounts of that wonderful, fizzy, golden, falling down juice.
Eight shifts in a row really knock the life out of me.
I intend to stay in bed as long as possible tomorrow followed by an evening of drinking copious amounts of that wonderful, fizzy, golden, falling down juice.
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Half Arsed
That's how I've felt all week.
I just don't feel motivated to do anything.
There's a tonne of stuff around the house that needs doing.
There are two PS3 games and two Wii games that need my attention.
I had to force myself to fill out my Train Operator application.
I haven't been on the exercise bike since friday.
I might not even finish th..................................................
I just don't feel motivated to do anything.
There's a tonne of stuff around the house that needs doing.
There are two PS3 games and two Wii games that need my attention.
I had to force myself to fill out my Train Operator application.
I haven't been on the exercise bike since friday.
I might not even finish th..................................................
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Recently Viewed
Excellent, Javier Bardem deserved his oscar.
Also excellent. Ellen Page is outstanding in the title role.
Calssic Hitchcock.
More Hitchcock.
I don't normally enjoy musicals and I thought the same would be said for this one. But after half an hour you kinda forget that they're singing on a regular basis. Worth a look.
Friday, 7 March 2008
More Bad Ads
That new "Sacla" pesto advert is driving me mad.
You know the one where the guy is crushing garlic and herbs in his kitchen, only for it to become the beat to an annoying tune.
L'Arte di Sacla?
L'Arte di Cunta's more like.
The latest Asda ad's with the theme tune to Dad's Army.
Are they actually comparing themselves to senile old men in uniforms and Tescos/Morrisons/Sainsburys to the Third Reich?
And don't get me started on that Ford advert where all the instruments are made of "actual" car parts.
I'd like to find the person who thought of it and ram that gear lever somewhere very, very painful!
Feel free to contribute.
You know the one where the guy is crushing garlic and herbs in his kitchen, only for it to become the beat to an annoying tune.
L'Arte di Sacla?
L'Arte di Cunta's more like.
The latest Asda ad's with the theme tune to Dad's Army.
Are they actually comparing themselves to senile old men in uniforms and Tescos/Morrisons/Sainsburys to the Third Reich?
And don't get me started on that Ford advert where all the instruments are made of "actual" car parts.
I'd like to find the person who thought of it and ram that gear lever somewhere very, very painful!
Feel free to contribute.
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
She's Mad I Tell Ya!
Oh dear, you wait weeks for one and then two come along at once.
I was describing to the missus how a friend at work has split up with his partner and she asked;
"Isn't he the one who lives next to his neighbour?"
I seriously hope my unborn child gets my brains.
And her looks. Obviously.
I was describing to the missus how a friend at work has split up with his partner and she asked;
"Isn't he the one who lives next to his neighbour?"
I seriously hope my unborn child gets my brains.
And her looks. Obviously.
She's Mad I Tell Ya!
I went to pick the missus up from the station and she asked;
"What's for dinner?"
"Cottage Pie."
"Is it nice?"
"I don't know, I'll be eating something else 'cos I don't like Cottage Pie. I made it 'cos you asked for it."
"It better be good."
"I followed the recipe to a T."
"Doesn't that make it a Cott Pie then?"
"What's for dinner?"
"Cottage Pie."
"Is it nice?"
"I don't know, I'll be eating something else 'cos I don't like Cottage Pie. I made it 'cos you asked for it."
"It better be good."
"I followed the recipe to a T."
"Doesn't that make it a Cott Pie then?"
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
Like A Phoenix From The Ashes
Otherwise known as A.C.Milan 0 - 2 Arsenal.
Just when it looked like our season was over, the mighty Gooners pull off a stunning result like this.
Goals from Cesc Fabregas (pictured) and Manu Adebayor sealed the tie.
Not only were Milan the current champions of europe, they'd never lost at home to a British club.
Ooh to, ooh to be, ooh to be a..................
Chin Up Matey
My mate Murphski has had a rough couple of days.
He's just too nice for his own good sometimes, but I hope he doesn't dwell on what's happened too much.
Treat 'em mean and all that bollocks.
He's just too nice for his own good sometimes, but I hope he doesn't dwell on what's happened too much.
Treat 'em mean and all that bollocks.
Your Country Needs You!
Your country is looking for especially talented individuals to join their new Rodent Task Force.Operating deep behind Taliban lines, your mission will be to gather nuts and stuff.
Probably.
Sunday, 2 March 2008
Saturday, 1 March 2008
Quality Film Quotes # 27
Daniel Day Lewis as Daniel Plainview and Paul Dano as Eli Sunday in There Will Be Blood.
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