Happy Birthday

To my mate Darryn. He's the one with half a face on the far right.

Typical Workplace Conversation

The ignorance of some of my customers is astounding.
Today a customer asked me;
"Excuse me pal, how do I get to Liverpool?"
"Is that the city of Liverpool, or London Liverpool Street station?"
"Liverpool itself."
"O.K, go out that exit, turn left and walk to the mainline station."
"Ta pal."
Ten minutes later.
"S'cuse me, you're out of order. You gave me the wrong information!"
"Sorry?"
"I want to to go Liverpool Street to catch my train to Cambridge!"
"That's not what you said earlier."
"Yes it is."
"If you say so mate."
"I'm gonna write to complain!"
"I'd give you the address, but you'll probably write it wrong on the envelope anyway."

Don't get me wrong, I know we deserve stick sometimes, but when you approach us and we seem grumpy, isn't it possible that we've just dealt with complete spastic like this?

Interesting Fact

Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead.

The Sheer Elation!

My iPod was well and truly fucked, so they've sent me a brand spanking new one.
A return of Led Zep and the Foo's while travelling to work, heaven!

Recently Read

This book is brilliant. I couldn't put it down.
I recommend this book to every football fan, regardless of whether or not they support Arsenal.

Work Sundays Can Fuck Off

I hate working on sundays.
I wish they'd just fuck off.
Fuck off.
Fuck off.
Fuck off.
Fuc.......................................................................................................................................................................k off.

Friday Night, Monday Morning

I know this is old and that you've probably seen it before, but it still makes me laugh.

I guess for London Underground employees, this would be Thursday Night, Tuesday Afternoon!

Spot The Cat

Our beloved cat Peanut-Face.

Also known as; Pine-nut. Fuck Off. Peanuckle-Head. Get Down. Pheobe. Leave That. Oi! And my personal favourite; Stop Scratching That Fucking Couch!

But I've Been So Careful

All through last night and so far this morning, I've been suffering gut wrenching stomach pains.
I hope I'm not up the duff.

I Want One Of These

The Audi R8.
Stunning.

Appropriate Joke

What's the difference between England and Lewis Hamilton?
Lewis will still have a McClaren this morning!

Thanks to my mate Marlon for this one!

Full Time

Utter, utter cunts.
Not fit to wear the shirt.

Half Time

Utter, utter cunts.
Not fit to wear the shirt.

Saying Nothing

There's a certain footy match on tonight.
No good luck shall be wished.
No pictures shall be posted.
No jinx shall be my responsibility.
End.

Interesting Fact

Foxes don't like mushrooms.

Tuesday 20th November 2007

01:00- Fell into bed after my seventh and final late shift.
05:45- Woken up by an alarm set by the missus.
06:30- It's clear that sleep is refusing to overcome me again so I get up.
07:30- Watch a film.
09:30- Phone call from British Gas "I'll be there in about thirty minutes"
09:50- British Gas man arrives. He's american, my least favourite race of people. He won't shut up, I'm not even in the same room but he's talking to himself. Power switched off.
13:45- British Gas man leaves. I still can't go anywhere, waiting for deliveries and another gas man. At least the power is back on.
14:50- Ikea delivery. Still can't go anywhere, waiting for a UPS delivery and another gas man.
15:25- Another British Gas man comes to put a new seal on the meter to make sure that we can't fiddle them. It's ironic really, 'cos they've been fiddling us for years! Still can't go anywhere, waiting for a UPS delivery.
17:10- UPS delivery.
17:20- Tesco's.
17:55- Start cooking dinner for my dad and myself. Toad in the hole.
18:45- Eat dinner.
19:05- Take the car to the station for the missus.
19:20- Finally have time to myself and I'm completely shattered.
*All times are approximate.

Piss Taker

That's my missus.
And I don't mean that we're into golden showers either!
Hmm, although....... no, better leave it!
She's basically taken my rest day tomorrow and thrown it out the window.
We have British Gas (if and when they turn up) coming to change the fuse box, a delivery from Ikea (depends if they're on swedish or english time) and I've got to wait for a parcel from UPS.
Where's my quality time?
I'd planned to kick some arse on PS3's Resistance; Fall Of Man and Wii's Metroid Prime, as well as going shopping and knocking around on the 'net. I may also have found time for a tug on my old fella.
Not only is all that out the window, she's also told me that I'm gonna be homeless on the 15th December as she's planned a girly night in with a friend.
"You need to arrange to stay with a relative" she said.
So, in summary, I'm stuck indoors all day tomorrow and I'll be staying at your gaff on the 15th December.

Don't Touch Me

I don't know where you've been.

Run Forrest, Run!

A very good friend of mine is running in the London Marathon next year. She'll be running for a very worthwhile charity called WellChild, which focuses on sick children.
If you feel like dipping into your pocket, please click here.

Me Israelite!

Wow, what can I say? The Israelis have done us a massive favour tonight. I honestly couldn't see them getting any kind of result tonight. But, they did and now I'm Israeli.
This is James Ben-Spencerberg, reporting from Leighton Tel-Buzzard saying Mazel Tov to one and all!

Typical Workplace Conversation

While covering a meal break on the the gateline, a foreign gentleman approaches me.
"Excuse me sir, the gate kept my ticket."
"It must've been a single ticket, they're retained by the gates."
"Oh, but I needed it for a receipt."
"O.K, I should be able to get your ticket from inside the gate."
"Thank you."
I go over to the automatic gate.
"Where have you just travelled from?"
"The Netherlands."

I Hate My Life (And Yours)

Last month it was my PS3, now it's my poxy iPod. The screen just stays white. I can hear the music if I press buttons randomly, but I can't choose what I want to listen to. I've tried everything, but alas, it will need to go for a service.
Cocking hell!

Also, the missus decided to use a bollard to help turn the car around a corner this evening. As a result, we now have an unsightly dent in the drivers side door.
Cunting hell!

Plus I'm on late shifts.

Finally, I'm down to my last beer.

I'm ready to lash out at the next person I see. If it turns out to be you, then please don't take it personally.
I will apologise as soon as all the tubes have been removed from your body and your jaw has been un-wired.

Quality Film Quote 23

Soldier: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
Soldier: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Soldier: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
Soldier: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
Soldier: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
Soldier: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
Soldier: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
Soldier: Well, this is a temperate zone.
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
Soldier: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
Soldier: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
Soldier: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
Soldier: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
Soldier: Am I right?

Your Opinion Please

Should men drink Baileys?
I don't mean on a rare, nay, freak occasion.
No.
I mean enjoying a glass or two every night.
Personally, I think it's for women and ladyboys.

Bra Shopping

While shopping, the missus decided that she needed a couple of funbag holders.
I don't know why I took this photo.
I'm obviously some kind of colossal pervert.

Busy Weekend

Sorry about the lack of updates this weekend, we've had a lot to do.
On friday we went with some friends to a comedy show on the Tattershall Castle on the River Thames. Plenty of beer and a good laugh was had.
Saturday night we went out for a meal and drinks with some friends in Watford. Plenty of beer and food was had.
On sunday we went picture shopping had dinner with my mum's. No pictures were bought, but through the day, plenty of beer was had.
Today, we took the car for it's M.O.T in London. On the way back we went into Brent Cross for a bit of shopping and a bite to eat. All you can eat pizza buffet for £4.99. The waitress gave me the "I think you've had enough" look after my fourth trip.
So that was that really, I'm back on glorious late shifts from tomorrow.

Virgin Radio

I am well aware that Amy Winehouse has sung a cover version of "Valerie".
Now, can you fucking please play something else?

Arse Kicking

This bloke got a serious arse kicking on Resistance Fall Of Man last night. Not bad, considering I was drunk!

Shit T.V

Below is a list of T.V programmes that are a load of shit. Anyone who watches these shows should be shot in the face.

ALL soap operas
Deal Or No Deal
Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old?
Anything else with Noel Edmonds
Jeremy Kyle / Trisha type shows
X-Factor
Any "celebrity" based compititions
Footballers Pads / Cribs type shows
Big Brother
Anything on Channel 5 / 5 Life / 5 U.S (Except C.S.I)
Desperate Housewives

That is all for now.
Thank-you.

Recently Viewed

Very funny;Robert Carlyle with a dodgy english accent;
Only 4 funny bits;
Outstanding. Denzel, Russ, and Ridley at their best;

Fighting Talk

I'm going to have a rather stern discussion with my neighbour today.
The same one who thought it was o.k to have her roof repaired until 7:30 pm at night.
Apparently, she also believes that it's fair to play classical music loudly until 11:30 pm, despite being well aware that the missus and myself do shift work.
As a result, I've had four hours sleep and am in the foulest of foul fucking moods.

Premier Managers

Lawrie Sanchez, Fulham F.C;

Should've gone to Specsavers.

Gareth Southgate, Middlesborough F.C;

Should've gone to Nosesavers.

.

Juande Ramos, Tottenham Hotspur F.C;

Should've sacked his agent.

Heather Mills-McCartney

A fucking waste of blood and organs this cunt is!