Recently Viewed

This is the film for you if;
A) You like improbable (sorry, impossible) stunts.
B) You like films with no storyline.
C) You like bad acting.
D) You don't believe that the Die Hard franchise should have been left alone after the original.
A seriously piss poor attempt at a film I'm afraid.

Also Currently Playing

Currently Playing

The referees in this game are wankers! I've played three games and I've had a player sent off in two of them!
And, I lost to Newcastle.
I'm a disgrace!

Currently Watching

Right, That's Fucking It!

Right here, right now!
I'm making a stand for men everywhere.
If you live with a woman, then it's most likely her who selects what shampoo is used in your house.
This morning I washed my hair with "Rose Hip & Jojoba" shampoo (exactly what the fuck is jojoba?). The other day I used another shampoo that made me smell very fruity indeed.
I'm going around smelling like one of those men who like other men and I can't let it go on.
The next time we go shopping, I'm gonna go to the shampoo section. I'll open every bottle until I find one that smells like diesel.
Who's with me?

Not Sure I Should Laugh At This

Goodbye Old Friend

I'm really sorry to so the back of this show.
But, can someone please tell what the fuck was with the final episode?
I can only assume that they left it like that in case they decide to make a film or another series in the future.

Recently Viewed

Excellent. A little bit sentimental at the end but a fine film none the less.

Last Night & This Morning

Last Night;
Kebab Guy "Do you want chilli sauce and salad?"
Me "Chilli sauce and some of those chillies please."

This Morning;
The Missus "Are you gonna be long in there love?"
Me "Yes, I'm afraid so."

Bye-Bye Big Jaw!

Spurts have sacked their manager Martin Jol.
I have to say that I'm disapointed, I was hoping that he'd take them down to the Nationwide first!
Signing on in the morning
You're signing on in the morning
Signing on in the mooooorning
You're signing on in the morning
etc
etc
etc

Typical Workplace Conversation

I've only been back two days and already I'm dealing with idiots.
"I've got a weekly bus pass, can I use that on the tube?"
"No, sorry."
"Why?!" (I hate it when people ask this rudely)
"Because it's a bus pass. Bus. Pass. It's a pass, for the bus. The clue's in the name mate."

7-Up

That's Arsenal, who battered Slavia Prague 7-0. Fabregas played another blinding game.

Theo licked his lips at the taste of sweet success!

All Good Things Must End

I'm going back to work today after 2 weeks annual leave.
What's worse is that I'm going back to late shifts.

Even More Success!

My Katie and Peter rant has also made it on to Cunts Corner.

Quality Film Quote 22

Xerxes: Consider the fate of your women.
King Leonidas: Clearly you don't know our women! I might as well have marched them up here judging by what I've seen.

Katie And Peter: Unleashed

Chewing gum for the brain.

More Shit Music

I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

Would Sean Kingston please, please imitate his lyrics on this one.

Recently Viewed

Worth a look, it's Event Horizon for a new generation.

Shite. Obviously chosen by the missus!

D'oh!

I was out shopping with the missus and she said that she needed some pumpkin seeds. We were already in the correct aisle, so I set off for them. I grabbed a packet and threw them into the nearest trolley, assuming that the missus had followed me. I turned to go and get something else but was stopped by someone saying "Wrong trolley". I turned in the direction of the voice to see a total stranger with a packet of pumpkin seeds in her trolley.
I looked back up the aisle to where we'd started and the missus was standing there laughing at me.
I sheepishly removed the seeds from the stranger's trolley and made my way quickly to the next aisle.
What a dick I am!

For Fuck's Sake!

It has become blatantly obvious this week, that if I wish anyone good luck they will lose.
Let's just hope that you don't go for a promotion soon.
And, if you do, don't tell me.
I must be jinxed!

Why Idiots Should Not Use Cameras

My bro-in-law Gaz put me on to this one. All we've said since is "fookin 'ellfire"

All I'm Saying Is.......

.....that fucker Hamilton had better do the business tomorrow!
What a shit week to be english!

COME ON ENGLAND!!

I'm really fired up for this!
In Wilko we trust!

Best Of Luck

To the English rugby team who take on South Africa in the Rugby World Cup Final tonight.

To Lewis Hamilton, who takes on that dodgy spaniard Alonso tomorrow.

I'm right behind ya lads!

Recently Viewed

An enjoyable film based on a true story. As with all "true stories" the truth has been slightly bent to suit Hollywood needs. For further information, click here.

Out Of Our Hands

Qualification for Euro 2008 is no longer in our hands after a defeat to Russia.
I'm not gonna look for excuses such as plastic pitches or penalties that never should have been.
No, we were simply not good enough. Not only in this game but the draws to Macedonia and Israel and the loss to Croatia.
We have no-one to blame but ourselves.

Emmerdale

A seriously piss poor attempt at a tv programme.

Quality Film Quote 21

Charlie; Look, kid, I - how much you weigh, son? When you weighed one hundred and sixty-eight pounds you were beautiful. You coulda been another Billy Conn, and that skunk we got you for a manager, he brought you along too fast.
Terry; It wasn't him, Charlie, it was you. Remember that night in the Garden you came down to my dressing room and you said, "Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the price on Wilson." You remember that? "This ain't your night!" My night! I coulda taken Wilson apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palooka-ville! You was my brother, Charlie, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money.
Charlie; Oh I had some bets down for you. You saw some money.
Terry; You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Charlie.

Jeremy Kyle

"Look at me, look at me, look at me, I'm not finished, don't interrupt, look at me, look at me........"
I don't want to look at you, you complete fucktard!

Woolworths? More Like Wankworths!

Went with the missus to this poor excuse of a shop today. We found what we wanted, picked the box up and walked up to the counter to pay for it.
"Sorry, we don't have any in stock at the moment."
Then why leave it on display you complete and utter cocks?
I've had this problem with Woolworths before and when I asked why this bollocks was allowed to happen I was told;
"It's to show that we sell that particular item."
Not if it's out of stock you fucking don't, so take it off display and stop mis-leading everyone.
Complete and utter wankers!

Ashley Cole - Phone Up Your Arse!

This has been going around for a while, but I thought I'd add it here anyway!

Congratulations!

To the England teams! We battled hard against the french to make it to the rugby world cup final.

We cruised to a 3-0 win over Estonia in a fairly boring game.

And me, I spent eight and a half hours drinking. No wonder my tongue feels like Ghandi's flip-flop.

Recently Viewed

This is so, so, so, funny.
I'm not even gonna begin to tell you how much I laughed at it, just click here, book tickets and see it.
Let's just say that the missus nudged me more than once to stop me laughing so loud.

Sad News

I'm very sorry to say that my beloved Playstation 3 is fucked.
They're sending a new one on monday.
I'm gutted.
I don't know how I'm gonna tell the Wii, they were very close.
Within 40 cms of each other.

Crisps

Is there a finer snack?
I doubt it.
Walkers cheese and onion are the bollocks!
Can you imagine a world without crisps?
It doesn't bear thinking about!

Bugger!

I can't get my PS3 online. It kept coming up with various error codes.
Now it says that there is no ethernet cable connected. I'll pick a new one up tomorrow and if that don't work, there's gonna be a fight!

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

Two nights in a row!
It was half nine and I'd just finished painting for the evening. While I was waiting for my bath to run I was walking around wearing only my paint soaked tracksuit bottoms.
Seeing I was topless, the missus said "Look at you, strutting around like some kind of red herring!"
Strutting?
Red?
Herring?

Glad For The Return Of

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

It turns out that the missus has arranged a delivery for tomorrow. As we're both gonna be in London, this is problem. Gina came up with the idea that we could leave a note on the door asking for the delivery to be left with a neighbour.
This is where the problems started. She couldn't work out which neighbour was which number. So, in an attempt to work it out, she turned to me and asked "What number are we?"

D.I.Why? (Again)

I fucking hate decorating. I can imagine nothing worse.
Even if Tony Adams came out of retirement, joined Spurs, became captain and led them to the quadruple while knocking Arsenal out of every competition, I would not be as miserable as I am now.
It don't help when the missus turns in to a prison guard "Vott are you doing? Vy don't you do zis? Vy haf you sat down. Zis is an un-authorised break. Achtung, Achtung!"

Soon To Be Re-viewed

At least I'll be able to fast forward the bits that were not in the original comic book!

I'll be glad to watch this again, I get the feeling it will make a lot more sense now that I've read the book.

Making It Through The Day

One more shift and then it's two weeks annual leave.
Just need to make it through the day.

Telephone Conversation

The phone rings (judging by the title of this post, that was the obvious opener) and I answer.
"Hello"
"Hello, am I speaking to Miss Georgina Stamou?"
"Do I sound like a Miss?"
"Pardon?"
"Do I sound like a Miss?"
"Erm, no. Sorry, can I speak to Miss Stamou?"
"Sorry, she's at work."
"Okay, I'll call back later."
"And I'll take my make up off."
"Bye."
"Cheerio."

Quality Film Quote 20

Travis Bickle; (Travis is trying his guns on the mirror) Huh? Huh? (Draws) Faster than you, fucking son of a... Saw you coming you fucking... shitheel. (Reholsters) I'm standing here; you make the move. You make the move. It's your move... (Draws) Don't try it you fuck. (Reholsters) You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? OK. (Draws)

Interesting Fact

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. However, no fucker can confirm this as most tigers seem to get quite upset when you approach them with a Gillette razor.

Bollocks!

Just dropped half a tube of Pringles all over the floor.
Better get the dustpan out.

More Success

The Fucking Spiders post also made it onto Holy Moly's Cunts Corner.

Currently Awaiting

As Grand Theft Auto and Metal Gear Solid have both been put back to April (Thanks Sony, I'll easily be able afford two games in a month!) I am awaiting Pro Evo 2008.
Although, I may have to throw the cover away if that huge cock on the right hand side remains!

Fucking Spiders!

Stop leaving your fucking webs in doorways, alleys, footpaths or anywhere else I might walk into them. I am sick of having to rub my face and head while making a noise like a little girl straining to have a huge shit!
Surely you understand by now that I am terrified of you fuckers and the thought of one of you being on me is just too much.
Just leave me alone you web-slinging cunts!

Late 5 Times

I'm on late shifts this week, the perfect come down from my birthday weekend. Not.
I've already got one out of the way. Fortunately I only need to do five this week as I start two weeks leave on sunday.
One down, four to go.

Recently Read

This book took forever to get going. I nearly left it half read on two occasions in favour of starting a new book. Glad I stuck with though, it was worth it in the end.

Thanks

'Scuse the lack of updates, I've been drunk since thursday.
What's happened?
Well, it turns out that my party was on saturday, not sunday as I expected. I walked through the door and into a face full of party poppers, in hindsight, I could probably have thought of something more inspired to say than "I don't understand".
I'd like to say a huge thank you to every one who sent well wishes, be it via text, phone, this site, e-mail, Facebook, Myspace, etc.
The biggest thanks goes to my missus though, who arranged everything. I love you more than ever!

Boy's Toys

Ow, ow, ow, serious shoulder pain!
Your knee will hurt too if you play Michelle at baseball!


Fucking hell, I didn't know I had this many CDs to transfer!

Not Sure I Should Laugh At This

Happy 30th Birthday!

To me.
This photo is evidence that they do make lilos for fat fuckers.

Damn, Bugger And Blast.....

.... is all I can say as I enter the very last day of my twenties.
Tomorow I will reach the big Three-oh, but what exactly will this mean to me?
Will I still be able to;
# Laugh at Spongebob Squarepants?
# Scratch myself in inappropriate places at inappropriate times?
# Burp and fart loudly while thinking how funny it is?
# Read Asterix books?
# Find the work "cock" highly amusing?
# Masturbate without guilt?
# Drink excessive amounts of lager on restdays, thus causing me to burp and fart loudly?

I wouldn't bet against it!!

Addictive Game

Try this game.

Recently Read

The first book in the "Conqueror" series, which is about Ghengis Khan.
I can highly recommend the "Emperor" series by the same author, which is about Gaius Julius Caesar

Cheeky Bitch

I will be 30 on thursday and I'm not too keen on it. It seems that I'll be getting no moral support from the missus.
Last night there was sod all on the telly, so I left the Antiques Roadshow on while I read the paper. The missus said "Why are we watching this shit? You'll be old enough to be on it soon, you're nearly an antique yourself!"
Not content with that, she's just said to me "I can't believe I'll be engaged to a 30 year old!"
Such spite from the so-called love of my life!

Recently Pre-Ordered

Buy this damn funny film for £9.99 (rrp £19.99) from Play.com.......

....and get a third off any Simpsons t-shirt.
Bargain.

Quality Film Quote 19

Quint: "Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down to the pond and chasing bluegills and tommycocks. This shark, swallow you whole. No shakin', no tenderizin', down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."

Incompetent Lying Wankers

I get home from work and there are four answerphone messages (each increasing in abruptness) and a note saying our repaired bedroom tv was supposed to be delivered today, but no one was home. So I phone "The Tech Guys" to ask what's going on.
"The delivery driver knocked on the front and back doors with no reply."
"That's beceause no one was in, we didn't know the tv was coming."
"One of my colleagues spoke to someone this morning and arranged a delivery time."
"Impossible."
"No, they phoned at around 8:30 and spoke to someone."
"I'm telling you, that's impossible. I left for work at 4:45 am and my fincee would have left before 6:30 am."
"Oh, we sent you a letter informing you."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes we did, dated the 17th September."
"Oooohhhh, you mean the letter sitting in front of me, dated the 17th September, which clearly states; 'we regret to inform you (sounds as if someone's died, there's still time) that the repair to your 26 inch LCD tv has not progressed.' Would that be the letter you are referring to?"
"Erm, yes."
"O.K, so admitting that there's been a huge cock up from your end, when can we expect our tv?"
"It's been re-scheduled for monday the 24th September."
"Can you give me a time slot?"
"No, one of our drivers will call."
"Like they did this morning, right?"

CONGRATULATIONS!

To Andrew and Suzan who are now the proud parents of a handsome baby boy!

Who?

This is Avram Grant, the new Chelsea manager.
You must remember him from when he played for.......... erm, ok, well how about when he managed......... erm, right, erm, ok then.
Oh, hang on, he managed Israel when they nearly qualified for the World Cup.
No pressure.

Don't Cry Jose

In all honesty I think Jose will be better off without Chelsea.
There's no doubt in my mind that he's one of the best managers in the world, but how can you manage players that your chairman has chosen?

Sick

I've managed to catch a cold. Hopefully it wont be too heavy as I've got 8 early shifts ahead of me.

Better

Following my earlier moody post, I'd like to inform you that I'm in a better frame of mind now.
Seeing the missus cheered me up, then we went to my brothers where I saw my niece. She always cheers me up.
Not that she paid much attention to me though, she was too pre-occupied with her new puppy.

Down

Today I feel really depressed. I don't know why.
I had to force myself out of bed and I have only just dressed.
The only person who can help is at work and she wont be home for hours.
I might force myself to Tescos just to give myself something to do.
Woe is me.

Charity Bastards (Again)

Today, more of these fuckers jumped out in front of me on my way to work. I think I've figured out how to unsettle them though. After the third one I hit on an idea (although I'd rather hit them).
Instead of side stepping them and saying "Sorry" I said nothing. When they stepped in front of me I stared straight into their eyes and didn't alter course. Needless to say it was they who sidestepped me for once and said "Sorry".
Today I played chicken with those annoying charity bastards.
And won!

Just Found

Just found this picture on my mobile. It's from our holiday to Portugal.
While we were waiting for the coach back to the airport we played Scrabble.
This was Gaz's best effort.
The guy's a genius.

10 Days

Till I'm thirty.
Boooo!

Typical Workplace Conversation

I nearly fell off my chair laughing when I heard a colleagues conversation with a customer.
"Can I have a single to Paddington please?"
"Yes sir, £4 please."
"How do I get there?"
"Platform one, take a circle line."
"How many stops is it?"
"Four."
"How will I know when I get there?"
"The train's got windows mate, if you look out of them you'll see name of the station printed on the wall."

What A Glorious Day!

Gonna finish fourth are you? Don't think so.

Down with the Derby

You're going down with the Derby

Down with the Daaaaarrrrrrbeeeee

You're going down with the Derby

Repeat until the nearsest Spurts fan admits that they shit.

Interesting Fact

Birds have to shave twice a day to keep their beaks looking smooth.

Recently Read

A damned good read and based on true events too.
I can also recommend "Pompeii" by the same author.

Well, Do You?

Here We Go Again

Seven late shifts start today.
Fuck.

Just Viewed & Qualilty Film Quote 19

This is a damn funny film. I didn't want to see it at first, I assumed it would be a "chick flick". How wrong I was. We laughed pretty much non-stop.

QFQ 19;
Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Fuck off!
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: What?

Praise Be

Following my last post, it appears that I'm not the only one who knows how to empty the dishwasher. Lo and behold, someone else has done it.
Must be the "Dishwasher Monkey".

For Fucks Sake

Does any other fucker know how to empty a dishwasher? It's always me, well, I'm not gonna do it this time.

Quality Film Quote 18

Harry Monroe: Yes, I'm a short son of a bitch, my daddy was a short son of a bitch, my mother was shorter than him, and my brother, my brother was so short we couldn't even see him.

Recently Viewed

Not bad, better than I expected.


Very good, just waiting for for "Letters From Iwo Jima" to arrive.

Recently Viewed

Pile of shit.

My Missus, The Piss Head

My missus is currently shit-faced. She's gone through a whole bottle of wine. She really can't take her drink. She's phoning everyone and talking shit.
Let's just hope your phone don't ring.
Brrriiiinnng, Brrriiiinnng.
Oh fuck!