Nasal Hair Appeal

Since turning 30, every day has been a constant struggle against nasal hair growth. It's beginning to wear me down to the point that I'm considering snorting some sulphuric acid.
If anyone has a method of dealing with the problem, please, please let me know.
By the way, this is not my nose. I got this picture off the internet.
Honest.

Bloody Typical!

The T.V in the bedroom has been making a sort of "white noise" sound every time someone on it spoke. We arranged for an engineer to come around to check it out and surprise, surprise, it's stopped making the noise.
The engineer will be here in the next hour or so this is both annoying and potentially very embarrassing.

Update; The engineer came, changed a speaker and now there's no sound on the T.V at all. It'll be monday at the earliest when it's fixed.
Plus, why is it that every delivery driver or workman that comes to our house sounds and looks like he's about to die of a heart attack any minute?

Recently Viewed

I couldn't help thinking that I'd seen this film before. It's probably a mix-tape of loads of other gangster films.

I don't normally like Keanu Reeves, but I thought he did o.k in this film. Police, Gangs, deception, fraud and Hugh Laurie with a dodgy yank accent.

What more could you ask for?

Typical Workplace Conversation

Last night it seemed as if every other customer had some sort of mental defect. One of them especially tested my patience.

"S'cuse me mate, you gotta an Underground map?"
"I've run out in here at the moment, if you look just to your right there's a leaflet rack. It's a small leaflet with 'Tube Map' on the front."
Customer grabs a leaflet.
"This one?"
"No mate, that an Oyster Card registration form. You want the small one with 'Tube Map' on the front."
"This one?"
"No, that's a guide to this years Notting Hill Carnival. The one you want says 'Tube Map' on it."
"This one?"
"No, that's a lost property leaflet. You want a 'Tube Map'."
"This one?"
"Are you serious mate? That's a leaflet on the new terminal at Heathrow. There is a small leaflet there with the words 'Tube Map' on the front."
At last he gets it right.
"This one?"
"Yes."
"Sorry mate, I'm not from London, I've come down from Birmingham."
O.K, I didn't want his life story.
"And how is 'Tube Map' spelt in Birmingham?"

When?

I'm fed up of seeing the missus suffering.
I'd like the baby to arrive sooner rather than later. It's only 4 weeks away but seeing Gina incapacitated like this is making me very sad.

Dammit!

The moussaka was put back until tomorrow!

I Can't Wait!

My missus is making her heavenly Moussaka tomorrow!

Currently Reading

At Last, An Update!

I've been on early shifts all week and have been very busy.
As a result, I've been getting in exhausted and just lazing around, hence the lack of posts.
So, here is the news from my world;

The missus has been signed off work by the doctor until her maternity leave starts. This is due to high blood pressure, bad hips and swollen (fat) feet. She gives me an evil stare when I call her Bigfoot. Can't think why!

Hendrix the hedgehog was moved on by my brother-in-law Gary. I guess he had to really. After all, it was his stuff that Hendrix was shitting on!! He was released into the local woodlands. Hendrix that is, not Gary. Although......

Yesterday the missus and me went to her sisters for dinner. Michelle cooked a superb Pistichio, which is a greek pasta dish. Gareth helped me try out some lager. Russian, Estonion and a "Black Lager" all of which were very tasty indeed. We also discussed Facebook, but that's not for here!

Today I finished a few jobs around the house. The amount of work left is as near as makes no difference to nothing. The baby's room is only missing one thing now, the baby.

I've settled for the evening now. I'm gonna sink a few beers, watch Arsenal against Ajax and then I'm gonna watch the first 2 episodes of A Town Called Eureka season 3, which fell on to my iPod in a completely legal fashion.

Electric / Gas Meter Readers

What is wrong with these people?
Have they taken lessons in when the most awkward time to come and knock on your door is?
If it's not first thing in the morning after your last late shift, it's when you've got the entire garage stacked against the meter cupboard.
And, should you have the bollocks to say "Sorry, you'll have to come back later." they look at you as if you are smearing runny dog shit in their face.
I wouldn't mind, but judging by the bill, I'm sure they add a couple of thousand to the reading.

Recently Drank

Russian Lager with a sweet aftertaste.

Estonion Lager, very subtle.

The label is right, this lager is actually black in colour and very tasty.

Recently Viewed

An excellent film, definately better than the last one. Heath Ledger is as good as everyone says, probably better. Christian Bale's Batman accent is still annoying though. As for the 12a rating, no way. This should have been a 15.
This film is hilarious! I can't imagine anyone other than Jack Black doing Po's voice, superb.

82 minutes of my life that will never be returned. THIS FILM IS UTTER, UTTER BOLLOCKS!

Oh, Dear

There are some things that you just don't expect to read.
This post about Cling Film is one of them.

She Sings Like An Angel

The other day a bird (and I mean the feathery type) landed on our neighbours roof. Peanut-Face caught a glimpse of the bird and started making some very odd noises.

Air Force Test

A friend of mine sent me this link; http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

The object of the game is to move the red block around
without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.
Apparently, U.S fighter pilots are expected to last for 2 minutes. The maximum I lasted (in around 20 attempts) was 40.454 seconds.
Give it a go and let me know your results. I want to know how good (or bad!) I was.

Eagerly Awaiting

Recently Viewed

This is a very disturbing film indeed. It's a re-make of an Austrian film.
I can't help thinking the original would have been worse. For example; the Japanese version of "The Ring" is ten times as disturbing as the U.S version. I guess there's something about not understanding the language and having to read the subtitles that adds to the tension.

Currently Listening To

Ya bastards! I'll fight you all right now!

Interesting Fact

Orange jam is called Marmalade. The word Marmalade is an Anglo-Saxon word that can be broken down like this;
Marmalade.
Marma-Lade.
Mumma-Lade.
Mumma-Laid.
Orange jam, it's laid by mumma innit.

Undecided

The hedgehog situation has yet to be resolved.
To be honest, I don't know what I should do.
He's not hurting anyone out there. If I take him to the woods up the road he'll probably just come back and I was only joking about the rusty shovel across the head. There are some people I'd like to do that to, but not a defenceless creature.
What's worse is that we've now given him a name (I keep using him, it could be a her), we've called him Hendrix after the rock god. This has given him a kind of "pet" status, which is making the decision awkward.
Besides, it's kinda cool having a hedgehog in the garage.
Isn't it?
I'm thinking of arranging a boxing match between him and Peanut-Face, but he'll probably win on points.
Sorry.

Quality Film Quote # 30

Police Supervisor: Attention, whoever you are. This channel is reserved for emergency calls only...

John McClane: No fucking shit, lady. Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?

That's Just Plain Nasty

Where as this photo makes Peanut-Face look like a whore, it appears that her eating habits aren't very pure either.
I've just seen the dirty little bitch catch and eat a fly.

The Latest Lodger

I'm sitting on the train to work, feeling glum knowing that I won't see the lovely weather as I'll be underground and the mobile rings. It's the missus.

"Hello?"

"Oh my god! Oh my god, James!"

"What's wrong?"

"Oh my god! Oh my god!......."

I'm thinking she's gone in to labour and I just about hold on to my bowels.

"........there's a hedgehog in the garage!"

Pause.

"What?"

"There's a hedgehog in the garage!"

"A hedgehog?"

"Yeah, a massive one."

"Well show it to my toolbox and get it to finish the bathroom."

"What should I do?"

"Just leave it until I get home."

"What if it shoots spikes at me?!"

"It's a fucking hedgehog love, not a sniper."

Later I get the photo of the hedgehog sleeping under the bbq, the fucker's making himself at home!

When I get home I find him just outside the garage door, the picture didn't come out so well. I made the mistake of coming in the house to get a torch and he'd gone again. Back under the garage door and behind all the stuff that's being stored there for countless relatives. I'll have to wait until he settles for a kip tomorrow. Depending on how frisky the little raasclart is, he'll either get wrapped in an old towel and taken to the woods or he'll have his head staved in with a rusty shovel.

Why I Love "Cunts Corner"

Because sometimes I see stuff like this and I nearly fall off my chair laughing.

The Comb Over

I don't believe that I've insulted this lot yet.
What exactly are they trying to prove and to whom?
Do they think it looks good?
Surely they don't believe that we are fooled and think it's a full head of hair.
It's stupid, they know it and we know it, so stop it right now.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Way back in the day, when I'd only just qualified to work in the Ticket Office, this happened;
I was working in the Office at Clapham South and the Station Supervisor came in.
"This mobile phone was handed in as lost property. Can you put it in a keep-safe bag and place it in the safe until it's ready for despatch to the Lost Property Office."
No problem, I seal the phone in the bag, put it in the safe and log the details in the log book.
No sooner had I done this when we heard the phone ringing. So I open the safe, tear open the bag and answer the phone to, quite possibly, the most stupid woman in the world.
"Hello?"
"Oh thank god, someone's found it. That's my boyfriends phone."
"Yes he left it on a train not long ago. It's with the staff Clapham South Underground station."
"Oh that's great. He doesn't work far from there, I'll get him to pick it up at lunchtime."
"No problem, we'll keep it safe."
"Thank you, bye."
"Ta-la."
I seal the phone in another bag and put it back in the safe. As soon as I lock the safe door, the phone starts ringing again. Again, I open the safe, tear open the bag and answer.
"Hello?"
"Oh, I think I just spoke to you. Are you the guy at Clapham South?"
"Yes, is everything o.k?"
"Yes, I just phoned to tell my boyfriend I'd found his phone."
"Erm, o.k then. Bye."
"Sorry, bye."

Eagerly Awaiting

Recently Completed

The gameplay is outstanding. But even I (a MGS fan) got fed up of the video cutscenes. On average, upon completing one chapter and starting another, there was around 30-45 minutes of video to be watched. Far too long in my opinion, but that's what the MGS series is famed for.
I'm gonna play this again and skip all the cutscenes, no doubt I'll put something about it up here again.

Recently Viewed

I wanted to like this film, I really did. But I didn't. I appreciated the "darker" approach, plus it totally outstrips the previous Batman attempts. However, I just found Christian Bale a bit too wooden.

The western by which all westerns are judged. Outstanding.

A delightful (yes, delightful!) film. Highly recommended whatever your age.

A Fair Match?

This is Manchester Untited, the current champions of England and Europe.
These are the Kaiser Chiefs, a superb rock band from Leeds.

Tomorrow, Manchester United will be playing the Kaiser Chiefs in a pre-season footy match. Personally I can only see one outcome but I do hope that the Kaisers sing Ruby.

Pain In The Arse (Well, Back Actually)

Yesterday I somehow managed to pull a muscle in my back and it's absolute agony.
Why do injuries and illness only happen when I'm on holiday or a long weekend?
I needed to completely finish the bathroom this weekend and unless there's some improvement by sunday, it aint gonna happen. This will result in me having to do it on another weekend off and I only have another two before the baby is supposed to arrive.
I'm also going to a wedding reception tomorrow and won't be looking forward to it if I'm in a constant state of discomfort.
Who'd be me eh?

Recently Viewed

I...... erm...... well...... just don't bother.

Appreciation

Now and then, shit like this happens.
When it does, I know I'm in for a hell of a week.
Today is Monday, the busiest day of the week. Everyone wants their weekly travelcard or pay-as-you-go topped up. Not to mention the countless tourists who have just arrived in the area. Add into this a load of Oyster card replacements and you've got yourself one hell of a queue.
Needless to say, I worked my arse off this morning and afternoon. By the end of my duty I was tired, mentally exhausted, red eyed and had a mouth as dry as Ghandi's flip flop. I just wanted a quick getaway to clear my head, but what came was even better.
My Supervisor and pal Barry came into the Ticket Office and handed me a copy of an e-mail he'd sent to the managers office. It was a nomination for a "Thanks To You" award. I was only doing my job and didn't expect this at all. What was most greatly appreciated though, was when Barry gave me a firm handshake, looked me in the eye and said "Thanks for all your hard work today James, we really appreciate it." Words of gratitude like this go a very long way and I left work rejuvenated and very upbeat. It is the simple face-to-face thanks like this which is, in my opinion, far too often overlooked by London Underground.
Whether I get the award or not isn't important. Like I said, sometimes shit happens and you just have to deal with it. Like today.
And probably tomorrow.
Come to think of it, Wednesday's looking like a bitch too!

Forward This E-Mail Or.........

You know the ones, "Forward this e-mail or; you'll never have sex, you'll have bad / good luck, your teeth will fall out, someone will rape your cat, we'll come around to your house and inject you with ebola." O.k, I made the last three up, but you get my point.
Whoever writes these things (I suspect a greasy, spotty, teenage, friendless, self abusing yank) is a complete spaz. And anyone who actually forwards them is just as bad.
Do they really believe that my refusal to forward a shitty e-mail will result in some terrible voodoo being sent my way?
And, if I do forward it, are they so sure that my sex life will increase ten-fold?
Grow up or fuck off and die.
Forward this blog entry or you will be killed to death by rabid chickens on acid.

Thanks, But I'll Stay Up this End

Yesterday, the missus and me went to a class for parents to be.
We discussed labour, childbirth and pain relief options.
Then we watched a video on birth.........
..............yuk!
When my kid is born, I'm gonna be well away from the business end of things. I shall tentatively mop the missus brow with damp flannel while she hurls abuse at me.
I'm also gonna advise the midwife to wear a baseball glove. When the head's out, the rest of the baby comes shooting out quicker than me running to the bar.
And that's really quick.

Day Trip To Southend

Tuesday was the missus and my own rest day and we decided to make a day of it. We jumped in the car and headed to Southend. We'd never been there before and it wasn't as bad as people have said to us in the past. We walked along the worlds longest pleasure pier, along the beach and then visited the Sea-Life Centre. Despite the amount of clouds around, the weather held out really well, with only one downpour in the 4 hours we were there. We also had Wimpy for lunch, the missus saw it and that was it, Wimpy or nothing! End of Southend Pier looking towards land.
Blue skies above the beach.
These Bad Boys were looking for the next Steve Irwin.
A Sea-Horse. They're all gay you know. Fact.
Me surrounded by Pirhanas.

Suitcase Compass

I work in a busy tube station, next to a busy rail terminal and I see a lot of suitcases.
Disturbingly though, I'm noticing an increasing number of suitcases with cheap, nasty compasses in the handle.
Why?
I mean, if you are in to "adventure" holidays where you'd need a compass, you're hardly going to take a cheap wheely suitcase with you. I can just imagine a couple getting lost in the desert or jungle.
"We're lost George! I told you we should have gone left at the last sand dune / elm tree!"
"Hang on darling, all is not lost. There's a compass in the handle of this cheap, nasty suitcase I've been dragging around. Matalan have really saved the day."
To be honest, I doubt that the compass would find north, even it was three metres from the pole itself.
Maybe it's for the airport, perhaps it points the way to the bar. In which case, I'm off to buy one now.

Currently Listening To

Old Skool Ska!

Interesting Fact

Worms are baby snakes.

Quality Film Quote # 29

Ken: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a cunt. You're a cunt now, and you've always been a cunt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.
Harry: Leave my kids fucking out of it! What have they done? You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!
Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.
Harry: Insult my fucking kids? That's going overboard, mate!
Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?

Dear Foreign Person In The Street

I don't know anyone in the following countries;

Albania, Australia, Bangladesh, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Croatia, Czech Republic, France, Gambia, Germany, Ghana, Hong Kong, Hungary, India, Iran, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Kenya, Latvia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Pakistan, Philippines, Poland, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Thailand, Trinidad, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, USA or Zimbabwe.

Now, will you please stop thrusting your chavvy "discount" phone card in my face!

Currently Re-Viewing

I always loved this show, although the missus won't watch it. She reckons it's "Fucked up." So, I've transferred them all to my iPod and watch them on the train to work.

Excellent Beer Advert

Go Here.
Wait for the lady to appear, then ....
1. Write your first name in the 1st line.
2. Write your surname in the 2nd line.
There's no need to write your e-mail address.
3. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.

Thanks to my mate Darryn for this one.
If anyone can translate what's being said, please leave it in the comments.

My Kinda Guy

Last night a few of the fellas from work went on the sauce to watch the footy and say farewell to a colleague who's leaving us. This fella kept turning up and serenading us. Sorry about the video being sideways but I'd had a few by then!

Aaaarrrgh! (Or However Pain Is Spelt)

This morning I dropped a heavy glass lid from one of my saucepans onto my right big toe.
Needless to say, the air was turned a very rich shade of blue!

Recently Bought

A Led Zeppelin Baby grow for my baby, obviously.
Only 10 weeks to go!

A composite AV cable for my iPod. I can now watch stuff I've downloaded onto my iPod straight onto the T.V. Cool, eh?

Recently Viewed

Fairly average as far as cop films go. A bit predictable and a sense of "I've seen this before in another film".

Tarzan, Stargate, The Land That Time Forgot and The Lion King all rolled into one.

A comedy that revolves around a tradgedy. An excellent film although, I didn't see any swans or ice cream in it.

This Is Gonna Get Me In Trouble

I may be deleting this post as soon as I get a texted death threat from the missus.
Anyone who knows her will know that she's not very graceful. The newly born Bambi on ice skates would be less clumsy.
And that was before she was six and a half months pregnant.
You see, now she's "large with child" (I had to choose my word carefully then), my missus doesn't sit down, she flops into position and hopes for the best. She doesn't get in to bed, she takes a running jump. She doesn't turn over at night, she does a triple back flip and uses the pillow as hobby horse.
I haven't slept right through the night for weeks.
I'm tired, oh so tired.
But I guess that's a sign of things to come.

Hooray For The Return Of

It's just too bad that this cunt was on it;

I can't stand this fucking twat. Every time I hear his voice, I fell like ramming a rusty screwdriver through each ear. I also feel like gouging my eyes out with a plastic spoon.

The word cunt just isn't strong enough for him.

Interesting Fact

It is impossible to put your left earphone in with your right hand.
And vice-versa.

Recently Viewed

I really enjoyed this film. The re-make of "Ghostbusters" was hilarious.

The bastard child of "Godzilla" and "The Blair Witch Project." What the fuck was this film about?

Not the best Futurama installment.

Not one of Will Ferrell's funniest films.

Typical Telephone Conversation

The phone rings and I answer to someone calling from the other side of the world.
"Hello?"
"Hello, can I speak to Mr Spencer please."
"Speaking."
"Hello Mr Spencer. I'm calling from *random* credit cards."
"Yeah?"
"I'm just calling to offer you an increase on your spending limit. We'd like to increase the amount to £15,000. How does that sound?"
"Why?"
"You could use it for home improvements."
"My house is finished, but tell me more."
"How about a holiday?"
"That would be some holiday, continue."
"Huh? Oh, you could pay off some debts."
"Don't have any, tell me more."
"Erm, you could transfer any other balances you have, to your credit card."
"O.K, that's the same as the last offer you just gave me. You just used different words. You're gonna have to try harder than that."
"Er, look, do you want the increased limit or not?"
"Why would I want the increased limit?"
"Sir, can you answer the question and stop wasting my time."
"Do you have my details on a screen in front of you?"
"Yes."
"What's my current limit?"
"£8,500."
"And what's my current balance?"
"There's nothing owing at present."
"So, I owe you nothing and you're already willing to let me spend £8,500. It's 7pm on a friday night and I'm trying to eat my dinner and watch The Simpsons. Now tell me, who the fuck is wasting who's time?"
*Click*
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
Must be something I said.

Separated At Birth?

The evil looking, 6ft high plant lurking outside my front door;

A killer plant from the cheesy 80's T.V series, Day Of The Triffids;

Currently Wearing

Poorly Cat Humour

Realistic Puma T-Shirt

Fuck knows how they got the cat to stay still. I've been trying it with Peanut-Face but she's having none of it.

Un-Typical Workplace Conversation

They're not all bad you know, as a customer proved to me earlier.

"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm good thanks, how are you?"
"I'm O.K. I haven't seen you for a while."
"I've not long been back from annual leave and this is the last of my late shifts."
"How many have you done?"
"Seven in a row."
"Seven? That's barbaric!"
"No, what's barbaric is that I only have two days off, then I have to do eight early shifts in a row."
"How do you cope with eight days in a row?"
"I don't cope, I just do it."
"What the fuck did I come here for anyway?"
"Fucked if I know."
"See ya mate."
"Take care."