Why Tottenham Are Bottom

I believe that's Darren Bent on the right.

Boredom

Fucking hell I'm bored!
Being at home all this time can be very tedious, even if Matty does need constant and repetitive attention.
I never thought Id hear myself say it, but I'm actually looking forward to going back to work, just for the change of scenery.

Grrrr

Is there anything worse than being really hungry and fancying a ham sandwich, only to discover that the bread has gone stale?
And it's not like I can go to the shop at 1:30 am on a sunday night!

More Shit Music

I really didn't want to do this one as I really like the Kaiser Chiefs, but the lyrics to Never Miss A Beat are utter bollocks.

Cheers

Firstly, thank you to all those who offered birthday wishes. Those of you who didn't bother will shortly be receiving dog turds through their letter box.

Secondly, thanks to those who gave advice on how to deal with Matty's colic. We're using Infacol and Dr Brown bottles and these seem to be reducing his discomfort.

Matty Tatty Images

The Birthday Boy

Today is my 31st birthday.

Yay.

Why Did No-One Warn Me?

I've just got back from having Matty's tattoo done and it hurts like a mother fucker!
I'll put a picture up later tonight or possibly tomorrow, when the tattoo has settled.

To Whom And How Much?

Exactly how many charity adverts are on T.V at the moment?
They're all basically the same. Show images of people, children and animals in despair and then ask you for £2 a month.
That's £2 a month so that little Jimmy can can have a clean bath.
Only £2 a month to provide Alan with Singapore noodles for a week.
Just £2 a month to stop a badger named Keith from being bummed by a hungry orphan.
O.K, the adverts are genuinely sad, but you get my point.
My problem isn't with the charities themselves, it's the constant bombardment of these adverts.
Am I supposed to give £2 to every charity?
Just what is the acceptable amount of charities to arrange direct debits with?
Two?
Three?
And, which charities do I choose?
Do I save Keith or Jimmy?
Will I be able to move on in life knowing that I've let an innocent badger be taken up the batty against his wishes?

I donate to Help For Heroes and The Teenage Cancer Trust as often as I can and as far as I'm concerned, that's enough. I don't need these adverts trying to make me feel guilty.

Now, put South Park back on.

Addictive Food

Tattoo Can Play That Game

At around 4pm on friday I'll be going to get my tattoo, honouring the birth of Matty. It will be situated on my left inner forearm
If all goes well, then it may not be long before I get a second one, honouring the missus. I've yet to decide on this one's location.

Interesting Fact

Moth hunting is the most popular of French sports.
It is not uncommon to see French men dressed in fox outfits, armed with baguettes, swinging wildly in the Parisian night.

Quality Film Quote # 31

Ryan Phillipe's character Parker, sits on a bar doorman's car and sets off the alarm.

Doorman: Hey, hey. Yeah you, get up. What are you retarded? Get off the fucking car!
Doorman's Bird: Hey dickless, get off the fucking car! Hey fucksuck, get your slippery fucking ass off the car! Listen to me, get off the fucking car with your fucking ass!
Parker (to the Doorman): Shut that cunts mouth or I'll come over there and fuckstart her head!

Thanks to Gary who pointed out that I'd not included the film title "The Way Of The Gun."

Change My Arse Too Daddy!

As If He Had A Choice!

One Armed Bandit

I've learned to do a lot with one arm, since Matty seems to be permanently attached to the other. Below is just a sample.

1; Eat and Drink.
2; Type.
3; Turn numerous gadgets on/off/over.
4; Wash.
5; Make up Matty's bottles.
6; Cook.
7; Feed Peanut-Face.
8; Dress.
9; Annoy the Missus.
10; Piss.

Colic Fatigue Syndrome

Poor young Matty has been suffering from colic. As a result he's been crying away in the afternoon for hours on end. Nobody knows 100% what actually causes colic so there's no sure fire cure. All the missus and me can do is carry him around and give him lots of cuddles.
After a random amount of hours I put him in his car seat and carry him around, which usually makes him to drop off for a few hours. Once he's awake he's fine again, but all the carrying around isn't helping my shoulder (no, I haven't been to the doctors yet!).
If any parents out there have any hints and tips I would be greatly appreciative.

Yours sleeplessly,

Me.

Getting On My Nerve

S'cuse the lack of posts this weekend but I've been in a great deal of pain.
I think I've trapped a nerve in my left shoulder and it's absolute agony. Just holding Matty for a few minutes sends sharp pains searing down my left arm and sleeping has been difficult.
I've had this pain on numerous occasions before but never for this long. If it persists into tomorrow I'll be making my first trip to the doctors this year.
Happy, happy, joy, joy.

Currently Watching

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only person who is permanently being shat on from a great height!

Recently Viewed

Homer Knows Best #10

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

Fattus Cattus

The other day I picked up our beloved cat Peanut-Face and thought "Fuck me, she's heavy!" I put it down to holding Matty for the last few days. He's quite heavy so I guessed I'd under-estimated her weight.
Today the missus took Peanuckle-Head to the vets for her booster jabs. When the vet checked her over he told the missus she was overweight and we were to cut back on her treats.
I'm just glad I'm not the only fat fuck in this house now!

Favouritism

Matthew burps;
"Oh, it's so cute when he does that!"

I burp;
"You're a fucking animal!"

Matthew farts;
"Oooh, that was a good one wasn't it?!"

I fart;
"You dirty bastard!"

Matthew pukes from drinking too much;
"Aah bless, lets wipe that up shall we?"

I puke from drinking too much;
"You're off your face again you cunt!"

The Production Line

Keeping Matty fed is a continuous job. There are all sorts of gadgets strewn around the kitchen, from sterilisers and breast pumps, to teats and bottle warmers. All to make sure our beloved son can stuff his face on a regular basis.

Currently Watching

I'm so glad American Chopper has returned, I just love it.

I'm planning to get a tattoo of Matty's handprint, name, time and date of birth in the not too distant future. I thought I'd watch this show as a bit of research and have managed to get myself and the missus completely hooked.

Recently Viewed

Being up late with Matty means I've had plenty of time for films.

Typical Pethadine Conversation

While the missus was in labour, she was given pethadine to try and numb her pain. Below are some of the things she said to me.

"The feet."
"Eh?"
"The feet. It's the best bit about her."
"Who?"
Silence.

"The car park."
"What about it?"
"It's full up from the front."
"Oooh.k."

"James?"
"Yeah hon, I'm here."
"James?"
"Yeah love?"
"James?"
"Yeah?"
"James?"
"What is it babe?"
"Hmmmmph!"
"?"

And finally, the one that will haunt me forever.
She pulls me close and busts my heart wide open by murmuring;

"Oh, James, please James, help me, I can't take the pain. Please help me James, please, please help me, I can't take the pain."

The pethadine isn't working. I can't help her. I stand there helpless. I hold her as tight as I can and try to not let her see my tears or hear my desperate sobbing.

Shameless Bitch

My mum works for a couple of hours in a charity shop most saturday mornings. Today the missus, Matty and myself popped in to say hello and show off Matty to the other old biddys who work there.
While we were there, a woman came into the shop and asked for a refund on a teddy bear she'd bought for £1.
What the fuck?
It's a fucking charity shop and you only spent £1 and now you want a refund? I mean, surely the shame of it alone should have put you off.
Some people seriously need to get things in perspective.

Bee Gone

Apparently, U.K. bee numbers have fallen by around 30%.

Am I the only person who sees this as a good thing?

Loving Every Minute!

As you can probably guess, I've been heaping loads of love upon my son Matty and loving every minute of it.
I can now change a nappy without losing my last meal, although he's managed to piss over my jeans. And as for feeding him, well that's a doddle.
For the first couple of days I thought I'd had my last good night's kip for 6 months, but I've quickly come to realise that it's as much about us getting into a routine as Matty himself. For the last three nights we've managed to get a good few hours sleep around his sleeping times. And, last night, the missus and me actually shared a bed for the first time since Matty was born. Athough, I dare say the "shift" arrangement may be needed again.
We took Matty out for the first time today. First we popped into town for a few essentials, then we took him over to see his aunty Michelle in Aylesbury. I think it did the missus and myself to get out of the house too.
Finally; I know I said I had a diary I'd kept whilst awaitng Matty's arrival, but I've decided not to post it for now. While the end result was the most joyous event in my life to date, Gina's labour was very long and difficult. There were some really traumatic moments for all those who were at the hospital. It is because of those traumatic events that I do not feel ready to put the diary here.
One day the family may be able to look back those events and not get too upset about them, until then the diary will remain private.

Named And Shamed

After much deliberation we have decided to call our baby son Matthew. It appears that young Matty enjoys rooting around his nose as much as his father.

Sorry For The Delay

At 15:59 on Friday the 29th August 2008, the missus gave me a baby boy and totally rocked my world. I have so much to tell you all, including a diary I kept from the moment we entered the hospital on Thursday morning, to the moment we left this evening. But, and you knew there'd be one, for the moment I'm going to spend some quality time with my family. As of yet, the boy remains unnamed. As soon as we choose one, you'll hear it here first. For now I'll leave you with this photo and a few more words. This is my son and heir. He will forever be under my protection.
Anyone who so much as looks at him in a manner which displeases me will receive a horrendous beating.
Survivors will face his mother.
If they're unfortunate enough to survive that, then they don't want to know what the boy's uncle Paul will do to them!

Not Long Now

I will be taking Gina to the hospital soon.
In just over an hour, she will be induced.
In an unknown amount of hours I will be a father.
I don't know when the next post will be.

I'm scared.

I Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Every fibre in my body is crying out for rest. My eyes feel like they've been rolled in chilli flakes and deep fried. And still, sleep won't come for me.
I went to bed at around 10:45. I just lay there, thinking and thinking. I know I must have dozed off at some point, but it was very light sleep. I was aware of every single movement and the slightest of sounds coming from the missus. How long the sleep was for, when it started and when it ended will be a mystery to me forever. I know I'll get through the day though. Something tells me I'll find the fuel reserves, I have to.
Gina will be going through the pain of childbirth later and it's my intention to be at her side throughout.

Good grief, how cheesy is this post?

I'm too tired to care.

Childbirth Imminent

You may have had a text or a phone call. Someone else may have told you. Or, you could just be reading it here for the first time.
The missus is gonna be induced sometime between 8 & 9 am tomorrow. She's not actually due until the 7th of September but her blood pressure is still raised so they won't be taking any chances.
If I thought today was gonna be long, tomorrow doesn't bear thinking about in hours!
All I know is that I will not be leaving Gina's side for anything.
Well, maybe a quick piss now and then.
I just hope that Eileithyia is watching over us tomorrow.

Long Day

I'm in for a long one today.
It started at 4:00 when I woke up.
I'll catch my train at 5:10 (allegedly).
Work form 6:30 about 13:45.
Catch my train home about 13:53.
Get home and change around 14:45.
15:15 drive to Luton And Dunstable Hospital.
Hospital appointment at 16:00 till whenever.
Hang around until 18:00.
Maternity ward tour 18:00 until 18:30.
Drive home 18:30.
Get home around 19:00.
19:00 - 19:30, eat.
Watch Arsenal vs F.C Twente 19:45 - 21:45 ish.
Go to bed at 22:00 for six hours sleep before getting up again.

Typical Workplace Conversation

Some people are deliberately awkward.
"S'cuse me mate, which way is the exit?"
"We've got two exits mate, where do you want to go?"
"I want to go out."
"Yes, that much is obvious, but we've got two exits. Where are you going?"
"Out."
"Fine, then pick any exit you like."
"Which one's best?"
He's getting on my tits now.
"That depends on where you want to go."
"I just want to go out."
"Both exits lead out of the station, so take your pick."
"Yes, but which one is best?"
"I don't know, you won't tell me where you want to go."
"Why should I tell you where I'm going?"
"D'you know what mate? You're boring me now. You can tell me where you're going and get the quickest exit or choose an exit at random and end up lost."
"Fine! I want to got to the Novotel Hotel."
"You got out the exit to your left, turn left and it's five minutes down the road."
"There! That wasn't too difficult was it?"
"You have no idea."

The X-Factor

A show where the nations biggest cunts perform.
And don't even get me started on the contestants!

Bless Her, She Tries Her Hardest

This may look like the victim of a terrible accident involving a combine harvester, but it's actually the latest cake attempt by the missus.

Interesting Fact

Our beloved cat Peanut-Face got her name because I was drunk and shoving peanuts in my gob when we were deciding what to call her.
Although, why the missus agreed is unknown.

Making My Mind Up

You may have noticed that my blog has been changing shape and colour over the last few days. You see, I'm not quite sure what to do with it.
I'd like to break free from the "Blogspot Templates" and design my own, but I wouldn't know where to start.
So I guess that's that then.
Boring templates are us.

Bollocks!

Like countless others, I missed out on Oasis tickets this morning.
You see, the problem is that people order the maximum number of tickets permitted, keep one or two for themselves and flog the rest at massively increased prices on Ebay.
These people are complete and utter cunts and I hope they die horribly.

What's The Time Mr Wolf?

This is my new bedside clock, funky or what?

And before you ask, No I wasn't in bed at 8:40 pm on a rest day, that's just the time I took the picture.

To Hell (Ikea As Men Know It) & Back

The missus dragged me to Ikea yesterday. As usual I kept myself busy by looking for rude sounding names. It seems that Ikea are on to my one small joy as the amount of rude names are diminishing. I managed to find a couple of new ones and few old favourites, as well as a box of imaginatively named biscuits.

Of course, I had the mandatory hotdog and chips at the end of my ordeal.

Recently Read / Currently Reading

Just started this one today.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

Just as the missus and were about to enter the hospital today, she said
"I didn't know maggots turned into flies."
I just don't know what to reply with sometimes.

It's Definitely My Child In There

The missus had to go for a check up at the hospital today. Nothing serious, just a slightly high blood pressure.
It appears that there are now two members of the family that can raise her blood pressure at will!

Nasal Hair Appeal

Since turning 30, every day has been a constant struggle against nasal hair growth. It's beginning to wear me down to the point that I'm considering snorting some sulphuric acid.
If anyone has a method of dealing with the problem, please, please let me know.
By the way, this is not my nose. I got this picture off the internet.
Honest.

Bloody Typical!

The T.V in the bedroom has been making a sort of "white noise" sound every time someone on it spoke. We arranged for an engineer to come around to check it out and surprise, surprise, it's stopped making the noise.
The engineer will be here in the next hour or so this is both annoying and potentially very embarrassing.

Update; The engineer came, changed a speaker and now there's no sound on the T.V at all. It'll be monday at the earliest when it's fixed.
Plus, why is it that every delivery driver or workman that comes to our house sounds and looks like he's about to die of a heart attack any minute?

Recently Viewed

I couldn't help thinking that I'd seen this film before. It's probably a mix-tape of loads of other gangster films.

I don't normally like Keanu Reeves, but I thought he did o.k in this film. Police, Gangs, deception, fraud and Hugh Laurie with a dodgy yank accent.

What more could you ask for?

Typical Workplace Conversation

Last night it seemed as if every other customer had some sort of mental defect. One of them especially tested my patience.

"S'cuse me mate, you gotta an Underground map?"
"I've run out in here at the moment, if you look just to your right there's a leaflet rack. It's a small leaflet with 'Tube Map' on the front."
Customer grabs a leaflet.
"This one?"
"No mate, that an Oyster Card registration form. You want the small one with 'Tube Map' on the front."
"This one?"
"No, that's a guide to this years Notting Hill Carnival. The one you want says 'Tube Map' on it."
"This one?"
"No, that's a lost property leaflet. You want a 'Tube Map'."
"This one?"
"Are you serious mate? That's a leaflet on the new terminal at Heathrow. There is a small leaflet there with the words 'Tube Map' on the front."
At last he gets it right.
"This one?"
"Yes."
"Sorry mate, I'm not from London, I've come down from Birmingham."
O.K, I didn't want his life story.
"And how is 'Tube Map' spelt in Birmingham?"

When?

I'm fed up of seeing the missus suffering.
I'd like the baby to arrive sooner rather than later. It's only 4 weeks away but seeing Gina incapacitated like this is making me very sad.

Dammit!

The moussaka was put back until tomorrow!

I Can't Wait!

My missus is making her heavenly Moussaka tomorrow!

Currently Reading

At Last, An Update!

I've been on early shifts all week and have been very busy.
As a result, I've been getting in exhausted and just lazing around, hence the lack of posts.
So, here is the news from my world;

The missus has been signed off work by the doctor until her maternity leave starts. This is due to high blood pressure, bad hips and swollen (fat) feet. She gives me an evil stare when I call her Bigfoot. Can't think why!

Hendrix the hedgehog was moved on by my brother-in-law Gary. I guess he had to really. After all, it was his stuff that Hendrix was shitting on!! He was released into the local woodlands. Hendrix that is, not Gary. Although......

Yesterday the missus and me went to her sisters for dinner. Michelle cooked a superb Pistichio, which is a greek pasta dish. Gareth helped me try out some lager. Russian, Estonion and a "Black Lager" all of which were very tasty indeed. We also discussed Facebook, but that's not for here!

Today I finished a few jobs around the house. The amount of work left is as near as makes no difference to nothing. The baby's room is only missing one thing now, the baby.

I've settled for the evening now. I'm gonna sink a few beers, watch Arsenal against Ajax and then I'm gonna watch the first 2 episodes of A Town Called Eureka season 3, which fell on to my iPod in a completely legal fashion.

Electric / Gas Meter Readers

What is wrong with these people?
Have they taken lessons in when the most awkward time to come and knock on your door is?
If it's not first thing in the morning after your last late shift, it's when you've got the entire garage stacked against the meter cupboard.
And, should you have the bollocks to say "Sorry, you'll have to come back later." they look at you as if you are smearing runny dog shit in their face.
I wouldn't mind, but judging by the bill, I'm sure they add a couple of thousand to the reading.

Recently Drank

Russian Lager with a sweet aftertaste.

Estonion Lager, very subtle.

The label is right, this lager is actually black in colour and very tasty.

Recently Viewed

An excellent film, definately better than the last one. Heath Ledger is as good as everyone says, probably better. Christian Bale's Batman accent is still annoying though. As for the 12a rating, no way. This should have been a 15.
This film is hilarious! I can't imagine anyone other than Jack Black doing Po's voice, superb.

82 minutes of my life that will never be returned. THIS FILM IS UTTER, UTTER BOLLOCKS!

Oh, Dear

There are some things that you just don't expect to read.
This post about Cling Film is one of them.

She Sings Like An Angel

The other day a bird (and I mean the feathery type) landed on our neighbours roof. Peanut-Face caught a glimpse of the bird and started making some very odd noises.

Air Force Test

A friend of mine sent me this link; http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

The object of the game is to move the red block around
without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.
Apparently, U.S fighter pilots are expected to last for 2 minutes. The maximum I lasted (in around 20 attempts) was 40.454 seconds.
Give it a go and let me know your results. I want to know how good (or bad!) I was.

Eagerly Awaiting

Recently Viewed

This is a very disturbing film indeed. It's a re-make of an Austrian film.
I can't help thinking the original would have been worse. For example; the Japanese version of "The Ring" is ten times as disturbing as the U.S version. I guess there's something about not understanding the language and having to read the subtitles that adds to the tension.

Currently Listening To

Ya bastards! I'll fight you all right now!

Interesting Fact

Orange jam is called Marmalade. The word Marmalade is an Anglo-Saxon word that can be broken down like this;
Marmalade.
Marma-Lade.
Mumma-Lade.
Mumma-Laid.
Orange jam, it's laid by mumma innit.

Undecided

The hedgehog situation has yet to be resolved.
To be honest, I don't know what I should do.
He's not hurting anyone out there. If I take him to the woods up the road he'll probably just come back and I was only joking about the rusty shovel across the head. There are some people I'd like to do that to, but not a defenceless creature.
What's worse is that we've now given him a name (I keep using him, it could be a her), we've called him Hendrix after the rock god. This has given him a kind of "pet" status, which is making the decision awkward.
Besides, it's kinda cool having a hedgehog in the garage.
Isn't it?
I'm thinking of arranging a boxing match between him and Peanut-Face, but he'll probably win on points.
Sorry.